Spencer looked down at the blanket.<\/p>\n
I waited for him to speak.<\/p>\n
The room was quiet except for the soft sounds coming from the hallway.<\/p>\n
I could hear someone walking past the door.<\/p>\n
I could hear a cart rolling over the floor.<\/p>\n
Inside room 12, neither of us moved.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho were you talking to?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He rubbed his thumb along the edge of the blanket.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, I don't know what you think you heard.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you talking on speakerphone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn't mean you understood the conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know I didn't hear all of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up at me then.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought he might explain.<\/p>\n
Instead, he asked, \u201cHow long were you standing there?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question hurt more than I expected.<\/p>\n
I had come prepared to explain what I heard.<\/p>\n
I had not prepared myself for him to ask how much of his conversation I had caught before he had to answer for it.<\/p>\n
\u201cLong enough,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He looked away again.<\/p>\n
\u201cSpencer, I don't want to argue with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don't.\u201d<\/p>\n
His answer was so quick that I felt myself draw back.<\/p>\n
For years, I had been the person who softened a difficult moment before it could become a fight.<\/p>\n
I would lower my voice.<\/p>\n
I would explain that I was only worried.<\/p>\n
I would remind him that I loved him.<\/p>\n
Then, if he remained upset, I would find some way to make the problem smaller.<\/p>\n
Sometimes that meant paying a bill.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it meant apologizing even when I did not understand what I had done wrong.<\/p>\n
I had thought I was keeping the peace.<\/p>\n
Now I wondered how often I had simply been keeping myself from asking questions.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you say that if I believed you were getting worse, I would give you every last penny,\u201d I repeated.<\/p>\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was talking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't know the whole situation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen help me understand it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm in a hospital, Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know where you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm dealing with a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words came out before I could soften them.<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
I had never wanted him to think his illness was a burden I resented.<\/p>\n
I still did not want him to think that.<\/p>\n
But I was tired of acting as though my own fear did not exist.<\/p>\n
\u201cI worry about you every day,\u201d I said. \u201cI worry about what you're going through, and I worry about what happens when the bills arrive. I've been trying to handle everything, and I've made decisions I never thought I'd have to make.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI sold things that mattered to me. I borrowed money. I kept telling myself I would find a way because you needed me.\u201d<\/p>\n
His expression changed, but I could not tell what he was feeling.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never asked you to do all that,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked me for help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cIt isn't.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let the answer stand.<\/p>\n
I could have reminded him of every time I had paid something.<\/p>\n
I could have listed the loans and the things I had sold.<\/p>\n
I could have tried to make him feel the weight of what I had carried.<\/p>\n
But that was not what I had come to do.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know why he had said those words.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to understand that I had heard them.<\/p>\n
And I wanted to stop pretending I could protect our relationship by refusing to talk about what hurt me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you trying to make me believe your situation was worse than it was?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're making it sound terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen tell me what you meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
He opened his mouth, then closed it again.<\/p>\n
I watched him struggle for an answer.<\/p>\n
Or perhaps he was deciding what answer to give me.<\/p>\n
I could not know.<\/p>\n
That uncertainty was part of what made the moment so painful.<\/p>\n
I wanted to trust my son.<\/p>\n
I also wanted to trust what I had heard with my own ears.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to think I don't care about you,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have never doubted that I care about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't what I meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen tell me what you did mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at the wall beside his bed.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, he said nothing.<\/p>\n
I could feel my old habits returning.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him that it was all right.<\/p>\n
I wanted to say we could talk another time.<\/p>\n
I wanted to take back the question so he would not have to sit with the discomfort of answering it.<\/p>\n
But I had spent too many days carrying the discomfort alone.<\/p>\n
I kept my hands folded in my lap.<\/p>\n
Finally, he said, \u201cI was frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand being frustrated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you should understand that people say things when they're upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do understand that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me as if he expected that answer to end the conversation.<\/p>\n
It did not.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I still need to understand what you meant,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He let out a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, I didn't think you would hear that.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room seemed to grow smaller around us.<\/p>\n
I looked at him for a long moment.<\/p>\n
That was the first answer he had given me that felt like an answer.<\/p>\n
He had not explained the conversation.<\/p>\n
He had not told me whether he had meant every word.<\/p>\n
But he had acknowledged that the words were his.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn't think I would hear you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He rubbed his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't mean for you to hear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't the same as telling me you didn't mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He said nothing.<\/p>\n
I felt tears pressing behind my eyes, but I did not want to cry simply to make the conversation stop.<\/p>\n
I had cried in private often enough.<\/p>\n
I had cried over the bills.<\/p>\n
I had cried after leaving the pawnshop.<\/p>\n
I had cried in the car before walking into the hospital because I wanted to arrive looking calm for him.<\/p>\n
This time, I wanted to finish speaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you, Spencer,\u201d I said. \u201cI am not here to punish you. I'm not here to tell you that I won't help you. But I cannot keep giving everything I have without knowing what is true.\u201d<\/p>\n
He finally looked directly at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you're not going to help me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what are you saying?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm saying that I need honesty before I make promises.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked away again.<\/p>\n
I could see that he was upset.<\/p>\n
I could not tell whether he was angry with me, ashamed of himself, frightened about the bills, or simply tired.<\/p>\n
I could not make those feelings disappear for him.<\/p>\n
And I could not make my own disappear just because he was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I reached into my handbag and took out the notebook.<\/p>\n
I did not open it.<\/p>\n
I simply held it in my hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've spent a long time believing that if I could find enough money, I could make things easier for you,\u201d I said. \u201cBut I can't solve everything by paying for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at the blanket.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never said you could.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I replied. \u201cYou didn't.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I think I have been acting as though you did.\u201d<\/p>\n
That admission was difficult.<\/p>\n
It meant accepting that some of the pressure I had felt came from the way I had chosen to respond.<\/p>\n
I had made myself responsible for finding every answer.<\/p>\n
I had treated every request as an emergency.<\/p>\n
I had been so afraid of failing Spencer that I had rarely stopped to ask what I could reasonably do.<\/p>\n
That did not excuse what I had heard.<\/p>\n
It did help me understand why I needed to change something.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need time to think,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
Spencer shifted against his pillow.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put the notebook back in my bag.<\/p>\n
For the first time since I had entered the room, I did not feel compelled to fill the silence.<\/p>\n
I sat beside him.<\/p>\n
He was still my son.<\/p>\n
I was still his mother.<\/p>\n
Neither of those facts had changed.<\/p>\n
But the way I handled our relationship could not remain exactly as it had been.<\/p>\n
I had finally asked him a question I was afraid to ask.<\/p>\n
I had not received the full answer.<\/p>\n
Still, I had stopped pretending I did not need one.<\/p>\n
Spencer looked down at the blanket. I waited for him to speak. The room was quiet except for the soft sounds coming from the hallway. I could hear someone walking … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40942,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40960","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40960","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40960"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40960\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40992,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40960\/revisions\/40992"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40942"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40960"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40960"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40960"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}