I woke before my alarm the next morning.<\/p>\n
For a few seconds, I did not remember why I was awake.<\/p>\n
Then I saw the handbag beside the bedroom door.<\/p>\n
I had packed it the night before.<\/p>\n
Inside were my wallet, the folder of bills, my notebook, and a small bottle of water.<\/p>\n
The winning ticket was not in the bag.<\/p>\n
I had left it in the drawer at home.<\/p>\n
I did not want to carry the ticket into the hospital and let it become the center of the conversation before I had spoken to Spencer about what I had heard.<\/p>\n
The money would still be there when I returned.<\/p>\n
I made coffee and drank half of it standing at the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
Then I sat down and looked at the notebook one last time.<\/p>\n
Find out what is true before deciding what to give.*<\/p>\n
I had written that sentence because I needed a reminder.<\/p>\n
I read it now because I needed to believe it.<\/p>\n
There was no guarantee that Spencer would answer me honestly.<\/p>\n
There was no guarantee that I would know what to do with his answer.<\/p>\n
But I could ask.<\/p>\n
That was the part I had been avoiding.<\/p>\n
I put the notebook in my handbag and left the house.<\/p>\n
The drive to St. Jude Community Hospital was familiar enough that I hardly noticed the turns.<\/p>\n
I had made that trip so many times over the past months that my hands seemed to know the road without help from me.<\/p>\n
I remembered arriving with food he barely touched.<\/p>\n
I remembered sitting beside his bed while he talked about how long everything was taking.<\/p>\n
I remembered looking at the clock and trying to decide whether I had enough time to stop at the pharmacy before going home.<\/p>\n
Most of those memories were ordinary.<\/p>\n
That was what made the situation so difficult.<\/p>\n
My life with Spencer had not suddenly become a lie because I had overheard a cruel conversation.<\/p>\n
There had been real worry.<\/p>\n
There had been real sacrifice.<\/p>\n
There had been moments when I was glad simply to sit with him.<\/p>\n
I did not want to lose those memories by turning every one of them into evidence against him.<\/p>\n
But I did not want to use the good memories to excuse what I had heard, either.<\/p>\n
Both things could be true.<\/p>\n
I could remember loving him through difficult days and still ask whether he had been using that love against me.<\/p>\n
When I reached the hospital, I parked and sat in the car.<\/p>\n
The engine ticked as it cooled.<\/p>\n
I looked at the entrance.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I considered turning around.<\/p>\n
I could tell myself that Spencer needed rest.<\/p>\n
I could tell myself that I needed more time.<\/p>\n
I could call him and say something had come up.<\/p>\n
Those excuses would be easy to make.<\/p>\n
I had made similar excuses before, whenever a conversation seemed likely to upset someone I loved.<\/p>\n
But I was not going to find out anything by staying in the car.<\/p>\n
I took my handbag and went inside.<\/p>\n
The lobby smelled of cleaning products and coffee.<\/p>\n
A person at the reception desk spoke quietly to someone beside the counter.<\/p>\n
I walked past them and followed the hallway toward room 12.<\/p>\n
Each step brought back the morning when I had first heard Spencer's voice through the partly open door.<\/p>\n
I remembered the ticket in my purse.<\/p>\n
I remembered the feeling of hope I had carried into the building.<\/p>\n
I remembered hearing him say that if he made me think he was worse, I would give him every last penny.<\/p>\n
I stopped outside the room.<\/p>\n
The door was closed this time.<\/p>\n
I could hear a faint sound from inside, but I could not make out any words.<\/p>\n
I put my hand on the handle.<\/p>\n
I did not know whether I was ready.<\/p>\n
I knew only that waiting had become another way of letting fear decide for me.<\/p>\n
So I opened the door.<\/p>\n
Spencer looked up.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, Mom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shifted slightly against his pillow.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you were coming later.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI finished what I needed to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at the handbag on my arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you bring the papers?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI brought some of them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you figure anything out?\u201d<\/p>\n
I pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've been looking at everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a better idea of where things stand.\u201d<\/p>\n
He waited for me to continue.<\/p>\n
I set my handbag on the floor beside my feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I don't want to talk only about bills today.\u201d<\/p>\n
His expression changed slightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else is there?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He was my son.<\/p>\n
I knew the shape of his face better than I knew the faces of most people I passed on the street.<\/p>\n
I had watched him grow up.<\/p>\n
I had worried about him long before the hospital and the bills became part of our lives.<\/p>\n
That history did not make the conversation easier.<\/p>\n
It made it more important.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is something I need to ask you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to listen before you answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, what is this about?\u201d<\/p>\n
I could feel my hands tightening together in my lap.<\/p>\n
I loosened them.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard something when I came to see you the other morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me without speaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was outside your door,\u201d I continued. \u201cIt wasn't fully closed, and I could hear your conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes moved away from mine for a moment.<\/p>\n
It was a small movement.<\/p>\n
I could not say what it meant.<\/p>\n
But I noticed it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you talking to someone on speakerphone,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you say that if I thought you were getting worse, I'd give you every last penny.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room seemed to become very still.<\/p>\n
I had imagined this moment so many times that I expected to feel either anger or relief.<\/p>\n
Instead, I felt the ache of saying something I had wished I never needed to say.<\/p>\n
I looked at my son and waited.<\/p>\n
He did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I did not rush to fill the silence.<\/p>\n
For once, I let the question remain between us.<\/p>\n
I woke before my alarm the next morning. For a few seconds, I did not remember why I was awake. Then I saw the handbag beside the bedroom door. I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40942,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40959","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40959","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40959"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40959\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40989,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40959\/revisions\/40989"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40942"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40959"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40959"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40959"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}