Deacon's reply came while I was putting groceries away.<\/p>\n
The phone vibrated against the counter.<\/p>\n
I stopped with a can of soup in my hand.<\/p>\n
For a second, I hoped he had finally understood.<\/p>\n
I set the can down and opened the message.<\/p>\n
He said I was making the situation worse than it needed to be.<\/p>\n
He said we had both been upset.<\/p>\n
He said he had not expected me to react this way.<\/p>\n
I read the words slowly.<\/p>\n
There was still no apology.<\/p>\n
I leaned against the counter and closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
I had spent so many years translating my son's words into something kinder than what he had actually said.<\/p>\n
When he was a boy, I had done it because children made mistakes.<\/p>\n
When he became a teenager, I had done it because I wanted him to feel understood.<\/p>\n
When he became an adult, I had continued doing it because I remembered the little boy who used to fall asleep on the couch while I finished washing dishes.<\/p>\n
But Deacon was no longer that little boy.<\/p>\n
He was a grown man who had made a choice.<\/p>\n
I put the groceries away.<\/p>\n
The refrigerator hummed as I closed the door.<\/p>\n
Then I returned to the table and read his message again.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask what part of being hit by one's own son he thought I was supposed to consider a normal disagreement.<\/p>\n
I wanted to remind him that I had not shouted at Sloan.<\/p>\n
I had not insulted her.<\/p>\n
I had asked her to take her cigarette outside because smoke was dangerous for my already damaged lungs.<\/p>\n
Instead, I put the phone down.<\/p>\n
I did not need to win an argument about the facts.<\/p>\n
I had been there.<\/p>\n
I knew what happened.<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, the phone rang.<\/p>\n
Deacon's name appeared on the screen.<\/p>\n
I watched it ring.<\/p>\n
My first instinct was to answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I had always answered when he called.<\/p>\n
Even when I was cooking.<\/p>\n
Even when I was exhausted.<\/p>\n
Even when I was angry with him.<\/p>\n
I had told myself that a mother should always be available to her child.<\/p>\n
But being available did not mean I had to accept every conversation on his terms.<\/p>\n
I let the call end.<\/p>\n
The silence afterward felt uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I was not used to allowing my son to wait.<\/p>\n
I was used to rushing toward him whenever something was wrong.<\/p>\n
I made myself a small sandwich and ate half of it before my phone rang again.<\/p>\n
This time, I answered.<\/p>\n
"Mom, why aren't you answering me?"<\/p>\n
His voice sounded irritated.<\/p>\n
"I was doing something."<\/p>\n
"You saw my messages."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Then why are you acting like this?"<\/p>\n
I held the phone against my ear and looked at the counter.<\/p>\n
I could still remember the smoke drifting above Sloan's cigarette.<\/p>\n
I could still remember the clean smell of the kitchen before it reached me.<\/p>\n
I could still remember Deacon's hand striking my face.<\/p>\n
"I am acting like someone who was hit by her son," I said.<\/p>\n
He was quiet for a moment.<\/p>\n
"That's not what I meant to happen."<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
"Did you mean to hit me?"<\/p>\n
He did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
"I was angry."<\/p>\n
"That doesn't answer my question."<\/p>\n
"Mom, you know how things got heated."<\/p>\n
"I know what happened."<\/p>\n
He exhaled sharply.<\/p>\n
I could picture him moving around his expensive kitchen, perhaps standing near the counter where the cigarette had burned down.<\/p>\n
I could picture Sloan nearby.<\/p>\n
I could not know what either of them was thinking.<\/p>\n
I could only listen to the words he chose.<\/p>\n
"You're making me sound like some kind of monster," he said.<\/p>\n
"I haven't called you anything."<\/p>\n
"But you're acting like I deliberately hurt you."<\/p>\n
"You struck me."<\/p>\n
"I know that."<\/p>\n
"Then why can't you say you're sorry?"<\/p>\n
He went quiet again.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought he might finally say it.<\/p>\n
Instead, he told me that he had a lot going on.<\/p>\n
He talked about pressure at work.<\/p>\n
He talked about the tension at home.<\/p>\n
He said he had been trying to keep everyone happy.<\/p>\n
I listened without interrupting.<\/p>\n
Some of what he said might have been true.<\/p>\n
Life was difficult for most people.<\/p>\n
Responsibilities piled up.<\/p>\n
Money caused arguments.<\/p>\n
Marriages had problems.<\/p>\n
None of those things changed what he had done.<\/p>\n
When he finished, I spoke carefully.<\/p>\n
"I can listen to you talk about your problems, Deacon. But I will not accept them as an excuse for you to hit me."<\/p>\n
"I didn't say it was an excuse."<\/p>\n
"You keep explaining why you were angry. You still haven't apologized."<\/p>\n
He made a frustrated sound.<\/p>\n
"I don't know what you want from me."<\/p>\n
"I want you to acknowledge what you did without blaming me for it."<\/p>\n
"I already told you I was angry."<\/p>\n
"That isn't the same thing."<\/p>\n
The words sounded steadier than I felt.<\/p>\n
I held the edge of the table with my free hand.<\/p>\n
My lungs tightened slightly, and I waited until the feeling passed before continuing.<\/p>\n
"I also want you to understand that I asked Sloan to smoke outside because of my breathing. I wasn't trying to control your house."<\/p>\n
"She can do what she wants in her own home."<\/p>\n
"That doesn't mean I have to sit in cigarette smoke when it harms me."<\/p>\n
"Then you should have left."<\/p>\n
I stared at the wall.<\/p>\n
The sentence landed harder than I expected.<\/p>\n
He had found a way to make the solution my responsibility.<\/p>\n
I should have left sooner.<\/p>\n
I should have said nothing.<\/p>\n
I should have accepted the smoke.<\/p>\n
I should have understood his temper.<\/p>\n
There was always another thing I supposedly should have done.<\/p>\n
"I did leave," I said.<\/p>\n
"Exactly."<\/p>\n
"And you hit me before I could."<\/p>\n
He fell silent.<\/p>\n
I could hear a faint sound on his end of the call.<\/p>\n
A cabinet closing, perhaps.<\/p>\n
Then he said he did not want to fight with me.<\/p>\n
"Neither do I," I answered.<\/p>\n
"Then let's stop."<\/p>\n
"We can stop arguing. That doesn't mean the problem has disappeared."<\/p>\n
He sighed.<\/p>\n
I heard him say my name in the tone he had used since childhood whenever he wanted me to soften.<\/p>\n
I knew that tone well.<\/p>\n
It had worked on me more times than I could count.<\/p>\n
This time, I stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
Finally, he asked whether I was planning to tell people what happened.<\/p>\n
I looked down at the phone.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not concern for my health.<\/p>\n
Not concern about the swelling on my face.<\/p>\n
He wanted to know who might find out.<\/p>\n
"I haven't decided what I want to share," I said.<\/p>\n
"You don't need to tell everyone our business."<\/p>\n
"I understand that."<\/p>\n
"Then why are you doing this?"<\/p>\n
"I am not doing anything to you, Deacon. I am telling you what happened to me."<\/p>\n
He did not answer.<\/p>\n
I felt a familiar ache in my chest, but it was not the same tightness that came with breathing problems.<\/p>\n
It was the sadness of hearing my son worry about his reputation before he worried about his mother.<\/p>\n
"I need to go," I said.<\/p>\n
"Mom\u2014"<\/p>\n
"I am not ready to continue this conversation."<\/p>\n
He started to speak again, but I ended the call.<\/p>\n
For a while, I sat without moving.<\/p>\n
My hand rested on the table beside the phone.<\/p>\n
I did not feel victorious.<\/p>\n
I did not feel as though I had won anything.<\/p>\n
I had wanted my son to understand me, and once again he had shown me how much he wanted me to understand him instead.<\/p>\n
I put the phone in my purse.<\/p>\n
Then I finished my sandwich.<\/p>\n
It was a small thing, but I wanted to finish something I had started without allowing his anger to decide what happened next.<\/p>\n
Afterward, I rinsed my plate.<\/p>\n
I wiped the counter.<\/p>\n
I straightened the dish towel.<\/p>\n
The same ordinary chores waited for me, and I did them one at a time.<\/p>\n
That evening, I did not call Deacon back.<\/p>\n
I did not send another explanation.<\/p>\n
I did not write a long message describing every reason his behavior had hurt me.<\/p>\n
I had already told him the essential truth.<\/p>\n
The next step belonged to him.<\/p>\n
I could not make him take it.<\/p>\n
Deacon's reply came while I was putting groceries away. The phone vibrated against the counter. I stopped with a can of soup in my hand. For a second, I hoped … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40813,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40827","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40827","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40827"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40827\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40847,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40827\/revisions\/40847"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40813"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40827"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40827"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40827"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}