The longer I sat quietly, the more I realized how much I wanted Carter to call.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to ask how I was feeling.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to acknowledge that the morning had frightened me.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to understand that my questions were not an attack on him.<\/p>\n
Most of all, I wanted him to say something that would make the decision easier.<\/p>\n
I wanted reassurance.<\/p>\n
There was nothing shameful about that.<\/p>\n
I loved him, or at least I still carried the feelings that had led me to believe I was ready to marry him.<\/p>\n
I could not switch those feelings off because one conversation had gone badly.<\/p>\n
I could not pretend that the plans we had made meant nothing.<\/p>\n
But wanting reassurance did not mean I should accept any answer simply because it comforted me.<\/p>\n
That was what I had to remember.<\/p>\n
I picked up the phone and checked the screen.<\/p>\n
There was still nothing new.<\/p>\n
I placed it face down on the desk.<\/p>\n
Then I turned it over again a few seconds later.<\/p>\n
I almost laughed at myself.<\/p>\n
I was waiting for Carter to take the next step while trying to convince myself that I did not need him to.<\/p>\n
The truth was more complicated.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to reach out.<\/p>\n
I also wanted to know that I could make a decision without waiting for him to approve it.<\/p>\n
Those feelings could exist together.<\/p>\n
I did not have to deny one to prove the other.<\/p>\n
I walked to the window and looked outside.<\/p>\n
The street remained quiet.<\/p>\n
A neighbor crossed the pavement carrying a bag.<\/p>\n
Someone opened a car door and placed something on the passenger seat.<\/p>\n
The ordinary world continued.<\/p>\n
I had spent so much time treating the wedding as the most important event in my life that I had forgotten something simple.<\/p>\n
The wedding was one day.<\/p>\n
The marriage was supposed to be the life that followed.<\/p>\n
If I could not speak honestly on the day of the ceremony, I needed to understand why before making a promise about all the days afterward.<\/p>\n
I turned away from the window.<\/p>\n
There were still things I wanted to ask Carter.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether he understood why I was upset.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether he could listen without turning my concerns into a problem with the schedule.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether he could accept that I needed time without treating that need as a betrayal.<\/p>\n
I also wanted to hear his perspective.<\/p>\n
I did not want to conduct a conversation in which I had already decided what every answer meant.<\/p>\n
That would not be fair to either of us.<\/p>\n
But fairness required more than giving Carter every benefit of the doubt.<\/p>\n
It also required giving myself the same consideration.<\/p>\n
I could listen to his explanation without agreeing to marry him that day.<\/p>\n
I could accept that he might be stressed without pretending that my feelings did not matter.<\/p>\n
I could recognize that he might be hurt by my uncertainty without treating his hurt as proof that I was wrong.<\/p>\n
Those distinctions were difficult.<\/p>\n
They were also necessary.<\/p>\n
I returned to the desk and opened my notes.<\/p>\n
The questions remained on the page.<\/p>\n
I read the final one again.<\/p>\n
Can I tell him the truth without being punished for it?<\/p>\n
I had written that question because I was afraid of the answer.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe that love made honesty safe.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe that a person who planned to share my life would want to understand what frightened me.<\/p>\n
But I could not force that belief to become true.<\/p>\n
I would have to find out through the way we treated each other.<\/p>\n
That did not mean one difficult morning could explain everything about Carter.<\/p>\n
It meant I could not ignore the morning simply because I wished it had gone differently.<\/p>\n
I picked up the phone.<\/p>\n
This time, I did not call him.<\/p>\n
Instead, I opened the message window and began typing.<\/p>\n
I wrote that I wanted to speak again when we could both listen.<\/p>\n
I said I was not trying to hurt him or create a scene.<\/p>\n
I explained that I could not move forward with the ceremony while feeling that my concerns had been dismissed.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
I read the message carefully.<\/p>\n
It was honest.<\/p>\n
It was also longer than it needed to be.<\/p>\n
I began deleting the explanations.<\/p>\n
I removed the sentences that apologized for having feelings.<\/p>\n
I removed the promises that everything might still be fine.<\/p>\n
I removed the parts where I tried to anticipate his anger and soothe it before it happened.<\/p>\n
What remained was simple.<\/p>\n
I needed an honest conversation before I could decide whether to go ahead with the wedding.<\/p>\n
I read the sentence one more time.<\/p>\n
Then I sent it.<\/p>\n
The message appeared on the screen.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I felt an almost irresistible urge to take it back.<\/p>\n
I imagined Carter reading it.<\/p>\n
I imagined him misunderstanding it.<\/p>\n
I imagined him deciding that I was making too much of the situation.<\/p>\n
I imagined the people waiting for the wedding and the questions they might ask.<\/p>\n
Then I put the phone down.<\/p>\n
I could not control every interpretation of my words.<\/p>\n
I could make sure the words themselves were fair.<\/p>\n
That was enough.<\/p>\n
I walked back to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.<\/p>\n
The damage was still there.<\/p>\n
The uneven hair.<\/p>\n
The irritated skin.<\/p>\n
The small cut near my ear.<\/p>\n
I did not suddenly feel beautiful.<\/p>\n
I did not suddenly feel brave.<\/p>\n
I still wished the morning had never happened.<\/p>\n
But I no longer believed that I had to solve every part of the situation before I was allowed to make a choice.<\/p>\n
I could wait for an answer.<\/p>\n
I could listen when it came.<\/p>\n
And I could decide what I believed afterward.<\/p>\n
I thought about the fifteen million dollars in the trust.<\/p>\n
It remained exactly where it was, protected by the arrangements my grandfather had made.<\/p>\n
I had not touched it.<\/p>\n
I had not threatened Carter with it.<\/p>\n
I had not asked Margaret to use it to change the situation.<\/p>\n
For all the fear I had felt about money complicating my future, I was beginning to understand that the most important decision before me had nothing to do with a dollar amount.<\/p>\n
It had to do with whether I was willing to trust my own judgment.<\/p>\n
I returned to the bedroom and sat beside the dress.<\/p>\n
I could still picture the wedding I had imagined.<\/p>\n
I could still remember the excitement of choosing the fabric and thinking about the promises I would make.<\/p>\n
Those memories belonged to me.<\/p>\n
I did not need to destroy them to admit that I was uncertain now.<\/p>\n
I also did not need to protect them by ignoring what I felt.<\/p>\n
I placed my hands in my lap.<\/p>\n
The room was quiet.<\/p>\n
I waited, but I did not spend every second staring at the phone.<\/p>\n
I looked at the window.<\/p>\n
I looked at the dress.<\/p>\n
I looked at the paper beside the desk.<\/p>\n
Then I let my attention rest on the person I had been trying not to disappoint.<\/p>\n
Myself.<\/p>\n
I had no guarantee that Carter would understand.<\/p>\n
I had no guarantee that the conversation would bring us closer.<\/p>\n
I had no guarantee that I would make the choice I once imagined making.<\/p>\n
For the first time that morning, I was willing to accept those uncertainties without rushing to erase them.<\/p>\n
I wanted an answer.<\/p>\n
But I was finally willing to hear one I might not like.<\/p>\n
The longer I sat quietly, the more I realized how much I wanted Carter to call. I wanted him to ask how I was feeling. I wanted him to acknowledge … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40289,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40305","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40305","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40305"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40305\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40325,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40305\/revisions\/40325"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40289"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40305"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40305"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40305"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}