I stared at Carter's name for several seconds before pressing the call button.<\/p>\n
My thumb felt heavier than it should have.<\/p>\n
I had spoken to him thousands of times, sometimes about important things and sometimes about nothing at all.<\/p>\n
Yet that morning, I was afraid of what a simple conversation might reveal.<\/p>\n
The phone rang.<\/p>\n
Once.<\/p>\n
Twice.<\/p>\n
Three times.<\/p>\n
When he answered, his voice sounded familiar enough to hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel?\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you? I've been trying to figure out what's happening this morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced at the wedding dress.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm at home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you getting ready?\u201d<\/p>\n
I could hear movement on his end of the call.<\/p>\n
He sounded distracted, as though he were doing something else while speaking to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven't put on the dress.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a pause.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
I had prepared myself for that question.<\/p>\n
Still, hearing it made my throat tighten.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I'm not ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot ready for what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the wedding.\u201d<\/p>\n
The silence that followed felt longer than it probably was.<\/p>\n
I gripped the phone more tightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel, we have a schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople are already making arrangements. Everything has been planned for months.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted to explain myself immediately.<\/p>\n
I wanted to reassure him that I was not trying to make his morning difficult.<\/p>\n
I wanted to soften the truth until it sounded harmless.<\/p>\n
Then I remembered the questions I had written down.<\/p>\n
I could tell him the truth without turning it into an apology.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to talk to you before I decide what happens next,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout your hair?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the mirror.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, partly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's hair, Rachel.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words landed quietly.<\/p>\n
That was what made them hurt.<\/p>\n
I had expected him to be surprised.<\/p>\n
I had expected him to ask how I was feeling.<\/p>\n
I had even expected him to be frustrated by the delay.<\/p>\n
But I had not expected him to make the whole thing sound so small before asking how I was.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it's hair,\u201d I said. \u201cI also know someone cut it while I was asleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe it was some kind of mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA mistake?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know. I'm trying to understand what you're saying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
I walked to the window and looked down at the quiet street.<\/p>\n
I could see a car parked near the curb.<\/p>\n
A delivery truck passed at the end of the road.<\/p>\n
Everything outside looked ordinary.<\/p>\n
Inside, I felt as though I were trying to balance on a narrow ledge.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarter, I'm not calling to argue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what are you calling for?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo tell you that I'm not ready to walk down the aisle until we talk honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n
He exhaled sharply.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout what, exactly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe're getting married today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know what day it is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are we talking as if this is some relationship crisis?\u201d<\/p>\n
I pressed my free hand against the window frame.<\/p>\n
Because I was afraid, I wanted to say.<\/p>\n
Because something happened to me, and I need to know whether you care about what it did to me.<\/p>\n
Because I have spent too long wondering whether your happiness matters more than my own comfort.<\/p>\n
Instead, I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm asking you to listen to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am listening.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You're telling me why we can't have this conversation.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
I waited for him to say something that would help me understand him.<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cWhat do you want me to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question should have been easy to answer.<\/p>\n
I did not want him to fix my hair.<\/p>\n
I did not want him to tell me I was beautiful.<\/p>\n
I did not want him to offer a quick explanation that would allow us to return to the schedule.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want you to understand that I'm upset,\u201d I said. \u201cSomeone did something to me while I was sleeping, and I don't know why. I need to know that you understand why that would shake me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that you're upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
His answer came quickly.<\/p>\n
But it sounded like a statement meant to end the conversation rather than begin one.<\/p>\n
I rubbed the side of my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I need to know that you want to marry me because of who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat kind of question is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA serious one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel, we've been together for months. We've planned a wedding. We've talked about our future.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you asking me whether I want to marry you?\u201d<\/p>\n
I had no answer that could make the question painless.<\/p>\n
Because I had begun to doubt things I once took for granted.<\/p>\n
Because I could not tell whether I was protecting a relationship or protecting the dream I had built around it.<\/p>\n
Because I had finally realized that saying yes at the altar would not answer the questions I was afraid to ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to hear you talk to me without making me feel foolish for asking,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He did not respond immediately.<\/p>\n
I could hear a faint rustling sound through the phone.<\/p>\n
Then he spoke again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know what you expect from me right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI expect you to take me seriously.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am taking you seriously.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen stop telling me we have a schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed.<\/p>\n
I looked at the clock on the wall.<\/p>\n
The hands continued moving.<\/p>\n
They did not care whether I married Carter.<\/p>\n
They did not care whether I changed my mind.<\/p>\n
They only measured the passage of time.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need a little time,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow much time?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel, that isn't an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's the honest answer I have.\u201d<\/p>\n
He fell silent again.<\/p>\n
I could feel my old instincts returning.<\/p>\n
I wanted to fill the silence.<\/p>\n
I wanted to promise that everything would be fine.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him I was only frightened because the morning had been difficult.<\/p>\n
But I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
I had spent enough time trying to make my feelings convenient for someone else.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'll speak to you again when I'm ready to have this conversation,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you seriously considering canceling the wedding?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the dress.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am considering whether I'm ready to get married today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds like the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe it is.\u201d<\/p>\n
I heard him take a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel, think about what you're doing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then I ended the call.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, I stood without moving.<\/p>\n
I had not shouted.<\/p>\n
I had not accused him of cutting my hair.<\/p>\n
I had not said anything about my inheritance.<\/p>\n
I had simply told him that I was uncertain.<\/p>\n
Yet I felt as though I had crossed a line I could never uncross.<\/p>\n
I sat down on the edge of the bed.<\/p>\n
My hands were trembling again.<\/p>\n
I let them tremble.<\/p>\n
I did not tell myself to calm down for Carter's sake.<\/p>\n
I did not pick up the phone to explain what I had meant.<\/p>\n
I did not apologize for needing time.<\/p>\n
The conversation had not given me the reassurance I wanted.<\/p>\n
It had given me something else.<\/p>\n
A clearer understanding of how difficult it was for me to speak honestly when I feared disappointing him.<\/p>\n
That was worth paying attention to.<\/p>\n
I did not know what Carter had been thinking.<\/p>\n
I could not know whether his frustration came from stress, fear, or something I had not considered.<\/p>\n
I refused to invent an answer simply because uncertainty was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
But I knew what I had experienced.<\/p>\n
I had asked him to listen.<\/p>\n
He had repeatedly returned to the schedule.<\/p>\n
And when I asked for time, he treated the request as though I had created a problem by speaking it aloud.<\/p>\n
I wrote that down in my mind.<\/p>\n
Not as proof that he was a bad man.<\/p>\n
As something I needed to remember.<\/p>\n
Then I stood and walked away from the mirror.<\/p>\n
For the first time that morning, I was no longer waiting for Carter to tell me how I should feel.<\/p>\n
I stared at Carter's name for several seconds before pressing the call button. My thumb felt heavier than it should have. I had spoken to him thousands of times, sometimes … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40289,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40302","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40302","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40302"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40302\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40322,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40302\/revisions\/40322"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40289"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40302"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40302"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40302"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}