I had promised myself I would stop waiting for Carter to decide how the morning would unfold.<\/p>\n
Still, when my phone vibrated against the bedside table, my heart jumped before I could stop it.<\/p>\n
I reached for it.<\/p>\n
The message was from one of the wedding coordinators, asking whether I needed help with anything before the ceremony.<\/p>\n
I stared at the screen, unsure how to answer a question that had suddenly become impossible to address.<\/p>\n
Everything was ready for a wedding.<\/p>\n
I was not sure I was ready to get married.<\/p>\n
I typed a short reply thanking her and saying I needed some time. Then I put the phone down without explaining further.<\/p>\n
I did not want to turn my private uncertainty into a conversation with someone who had no way to help me understand it.<\/p>\n
The phone remained quiet for several minutes.<\/p>\n
I stood near the window, watching the sunlight move across the floor. I had been measuring the morning by every passing minute, as if the clock could force me to reach a decision.<\/p>\n
It could not.<\/p>\n
Eventually, I returned to the desk and picked up the paper I had written on earlier.<\/p>\n
The two headings were still there.<\/p>\n
What I know.<\/p>\n
What I don't know.<\/p>\n
I read them once more, then put the paper away.<\/p>\n
I was tired of examining the same questions without taking a step toward an answer.<\/p>\n
If I wanted to understand Carter's part in this morning, I would have to speak to him.<\/p>\n
I could not make that conversation painless by postponing it.<\/p>\n
I could only decide how I would enter it.<\/p>\n
I picked up my phone and pressed his name.<\/p>\n
The ringing sounded louder than it should have.<\/p>\n
For one moment, I almost ended the call.<\/p>\n
Then Carter answered.<\/p>\n
"Rachel?"<\/p>\n
His voice sounded familiar, and the familiarity brought an unexpected rush of emotion. I had spent the morning trying to imagine what I would feel when I heard him again.<\/p>\n
I had not expected to feel so much at once.<\/p>\n
"Hi," I said.<\/p>\n
"What's going on? I've been waiting to hear from you."<\/p>\n
I held the phone more tightly.<\/p>\n
"Something happened this morning."<\/p>\n
"What do you mean?"<\/p>\n
I looked at the mirror across the room.<\/p>\n
"Someone shaved my head while I was asleep."<\/p>\n
The silence on the other end lasted long enough for me to notice the faint sound of movement behind his voice.<\/p>\n
Then Carter spoke.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"My hair. It's been shaved off. It's uneven, and I've got a small cut near my ear."<\/p>\n
"Rachel, are you serious?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Who did that?"<\/p>\n
"I don't know. That's why I'm calling you."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
I wanted to hear concern. I wanted him to ask whether I was all right, whether I needed help, or whether someone had hurt me beyond the cut.<\/p>\n
Instead, he asked another question.<\/p>\n
"What are you going to do about the wedding?"<\/p>\n
The words landed more heavily than I expected.<\/p>\n
I looked down at my hand.<\/p>\n
"I haven't decided."<\/p>\n
"But the ceremony is supposed to happen today."<\/p>\n
"I know what day it is, Carter."<\/p>\n
"I'm not saying you don't. I'm saying we have people waiting and arrangements that have already been made."<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
I had known the wedding would become part of the conversation. I had not expected it to arrive before he had asked whether I was safe.<\/p>\n
"Someone did something to me without my permission," I said. "I'm trying to understand what happened."<\/p>\n
"I understand that, but we need to be practical."<\/p>\n
Practical.<\/p>\n
The word reminded me of all the times I had set aside a concern because discussing it seemed inconvenient.<\/p>\n
I forced myself to keep my voice level.<\/p>\n
"I need you to listen to me before we talk about the ceremony."<\/p>\n
"I'm listening."<\/p>\n
"Do you know anything about what happened to my hair?"<\/p>\n
"No. Of course I don't."<\/p>\n
His answer came quickly.<\/p>\n
I could not tell whether that meant he was offended by the question or simply surprised.<\/p>\n
"I didn't say you did it," I replied. "I asked whether you knew anything."<\/p>\n
"Why would I know anything about that?"<\/p>\n
"I don't know. I'm asking because I don't know who was responsible."<\/p>\n
He exhaled sharply.<\/p>\n
"Rachel, this is a terrible situation, but you can't start accusing people without a reason."<\/p>\n
"I haven't accused you."<\/p>\n
"You just asked if I knew anything."<\/p>\n
"Because you're the person I'm supposed to marry."<\/p>\n
The sentence came out quieter than I intended.<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I could hear him breathing through the phone.<\/p>\n
Then he said, "I'm trying to figure out how we can still have a wedding today."<\/p>\n
I looked at the garment bag.<\/p>\n
I had spent the morning wondering whether I could trust him. Now I was beginning to understand that I also needed to know whether he could hear me when my needs interfered with his plans.<\/p>\n
"Carter, I can't promise you that the wedding will happen today."<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
"What does that mean?"<\/p>\n
"It means I haven't made up my mind."<\/p>\n
"After everything we've planned?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
I waited for him to ask what I needed.<\/p>\n
Instead, he reminded me how much time and effort had gone into the day.<\/p>\n
I listened until he finished.<\/p>\n
Then I told him I needed some time to think, and I ended the call before the conversation could turn into another argument about the schedule.<\/p>\n
My hands were trembling.<\/p>\n
I placed the phone on the desk and sat down.<\/p>\n
I had not learned who had shaved my head. Carter had denied knowing anything, and I had no evidence that contradicted him.<\/p>\n
But the conversation had given me something else to consider.<\/p>\n
When I told him I had been hurt, he had been more concerned about the wedding than about me.<\/p>\n
Perhaps he had been shocked.<\/p>\n
Perhaps he had been frightened by the possibility that everything might fall apart.<\/p>\n
I could acknowledge those possibilities without pretending his response had not hurt.<\/p>\n
I looked at the clock.<\/p>\n
The morning was moving forward, whether I was ready or not.<\/p>\n
For the first time, I understood that the decision before me was not simply whether to wear the dress.<\/p>\n
It was whether I could enter a marriage while already feeling that my voice mattered less than the plans surrounding it.<\/p>\n
I did not have an answer yet.<\/p>\n
But I had finally asked the question aloud.<\/p>\n
I had promised myself I would stop waiting for Carter to decide how the morning would unfold. Still, when my phone vibrated against the bedside table, my heart jumped before … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40248,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40261","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40261","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40261"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40261\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40281,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40261\/revisions\/40281"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40248"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40261"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40261"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40261"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}