I called Carol again the following morning.<\/p>\n
I had the folder open on the table, but I kept my eyes on the phone instead of the papers.<\/p>\n
I did not want to read my questions to her like a prepared statement.<\/p>\n
I wanted to speak plainly.<\/p>\n
When she answered, I told her I was ready to talk whenever she had time.<\/p>\n
She suggested we speak later that day.<\/p>\n
I agreed.<\/p>\n
After we hung up, I put the phone down and looked at the list I had made.<\/p>\n
There were four questions at the top.<\/p>\n
I had spent days moving them around, crossing out assumptions, and trying to make them clearer.<\/p>\n
Now I wondered whether I had made the whole thing more complicated than it needed to be.<\/p>\n
I folded the paper once and slipped it into the folder.<\/p>\n
I could ask the questions without reading them word for word.<\/p>\n
The important thing was to remember what I was trying to learn.<\/p>\n
I spent the morning doing ordinary things.<\/p>\n
I washed the dishes.<\/p>\n
I cleared the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
I put away a few papers that had nothing to do with the settlement.<\/p>\n
Each task gave my hands something to do while my thoughts kept returning to the conversation ahead.<\/p>\n
I was not afraid of Carol.<\/p>\n
At least, I did not think fear was the right word.<\/p>\n
I was afraid of hearing something that would make me realize how little I understood about my own past.<\/p>\n
I was also afraid of hearing nothing useful at all.<\/p>\n
Both possibilities made me uneasy.<\/p>\n
By the time we spoke again, I had stopped trying to guess which one was more likely.<\/p>\n
I sat at the table with the tin beside me.<\/p>\n
The folder was closed.<\/p>\n
I wanted the letter nearby, but I did not want it lying open between us as if it already proved something.<\/p>\n
When Carol began speaking, her voice sounded much the same as it had before.<\/p>\n
She asked how I had been.<\/p>\n
I told her I had been thinking about the settlement and reviewing what I could remember.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you found any of the original papers?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I've looked through what I have, but I haven't found anything that explains it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you have any idea where the papers might be?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted to ask you about the questions you raised last time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you asked about the attorney and the insurance company, I realized I couldn't answer either question. Why did those details matter to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol paused.<\/p>\n
I could hear a faint sound on her end of the line, then silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey matter because they would help establish what happened,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat makes sense. But why did you ask me specifically?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted to understand how much of the settlement you knew about.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the paper beside me.<\/p>\n
It was the answer I had expected in one sense, but it did not explain everything.<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you surprised that I knew so little?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Her answer was direct.<\/p>\n
I waited for her to explain, but she did not continue.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you might have kept more of the paperwork.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI may have. I just haven't found it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat could be.\u201d<\/p>\n
I tried to keep my voice steady.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes the fact that I don't remember much tell you anything about what happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot by itself.\u201d<\/p>\n
I appreciated that answer.<\/p>\n
It was the first time since finding the letter that I felt someone was drawing the same line I had been trying to draw between a question and a conclusion.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you read my mother's letter, you stopped at Wayne's name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you recognize?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I felt my fingers tighten around the edge of the table.<\/p>\n
I made myself relax them.<\/p>\n
\u201cI recognized the name,\u201d she said finally.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom where?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't tell you that with confidence yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked toward the tin.<\/p>\n
I had been waiting for a clearer answer, but I knew I could not force one out of her.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes that mean you remember Wayne?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember seeing the name before. I don't want to tell you more than that until I'm sure I'm remembering correctly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you aren't saying Wayne was involved in the settlement.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I'm not saying that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her answer removed one possibility I had been trying not to assume.<\/p>\n
It did not explain why the name was familiar to her.<\/p>\n
But it mattered that she had drawn the distinction clearly.<\/p>\n
I wrote a short note on the paper.<\/p>\n
Carol recognized the name but could not yet explain where.<\/p>\n
I made sure not to write anything beyond that.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid my mother ever talk to you about the settlement?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot in a way I can clearly remember.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid she ever mention Wayne?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't say that she did.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at my notes again.<\/p>\n
There was no accusation in those answers.<\/p>\n
There was also no clear explanation.<\/p>\n
For the first time, I could accept both facts without trying to make them fit together.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what do you think I should do next?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think you should keep looking for the settlement papers. If you find them, we can work from what they actually say.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if I don't?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we'll have to consider what other information is available.\u201d<\/p>\n
I appreciated that she had not promised the papers would turn up.<\/p>\n
I also appreciated that she had not told me to stop looking.<\/p>\n
I asked whether there was anything else in my mother's letter that I should be paying attention to.<\/p>\n
Carol said she did not want to interpret the letter for me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you want to understand what your mother meant, we need to be careful not to put words into her message.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the tin again.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is what I've been trying to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her response was quiet.<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Then I asked the question that had been bothering me since our first conversation.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you said you needed to be careful about what you told me, what did you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI meant that I don't want to give you a memory as though it were a fact.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
I had expected something more complicated.<\/p>\n
Perhaps that was because I had spent too much time imagining what she might be holding back.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're worried you might remember something incorrectly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the list beside me.<\/p>\n
That was a reasonable concern.<\/p>\n
I had been trying to separate my memories from my assumptions for days.<\/p>\n
Carol was telling me she wanted to do the same thing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
We spoke a little longer about the papers I had checked and the questions I still needed answered.<\/p>\n
She did not offer a new explanation for Wayne's name.<\/p>\n
She did not claim to know why my mother had left the letter.<\/p>\n
When we finished, I thanked her for speaking with me.<\/p>\n
After the call ended, I remained seated.<\/p>\n
I had wanted a breakthrough.<\/p>\n
Instead, I had received a few clear boundaries around what Carol knew and what she did not.<\/p>\n
At first, that felt disappointing.<\/p>\n
Then I read my notes.<\/p>\n
Carol recognized Wayne's name.<\/p>\n
She could not confidently identify where she had seen it.<\/p>\n
She did not remember my mother clearly discussing the settlement.<\/p>\n
She believed the original paperwork would be the best place to begin.<\/p>\n
Those were not answers to every question.<\/p>\n
They were still useful.<\/p>\n
I placed the notes inside the folder.<\/p>\n
Then I closed it and rested my hands on the table.<\/p>\n
I had asked Carol what she knew.<\/p>\n
She had told me what she could honestly say.<\/p>\n
For now, that was enough.<\/p>\n
I called Carol again the following morning. I had the folder open on the table, but I kept my eyes on the phone instead of the papers. I did not … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40123,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-40140","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40140","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=40140"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40140\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":40160,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/40140\/revisions\/40160"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/40123"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=40140"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=40140"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=40140"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}