Stephanie called the following afternoon.<\/p>\n
I was in the backyard, checking the soil around Walt's tree.<\/p>\n
The rain had softened the ground, and a few leaves had gathered along the fence.<\/p>\n
I brushed them aside and answered the phone.<\/p>\n
"Hi, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
"Mom, are you busy?"<\/p>\n
"Not particularly."<\/p>\n
"Could I come over?"<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
She arrived less than an hour later.<\/p>\n
She carried no food this time, only her handbag and a notebook.<\/p>\n
When she sat at the kitchen table, she kept the notebook closed.<\/p>\n
I made tea and waited for her to speak.<\/p>\n
"I've been thinking about the conversation we had yesterday," she said.<\/p>\n
"So have I."<\/p>\n
"About Dad. About the way he made decisions for us."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
Stephanie looked down at her hands.<\/p>\n
"I have a decision to make at work, and I keep wanting someone to tell me what to do."<\/p>\n
"What kind of decision?"<\/p>\n
"They've offered me a position in another city."<\/p>\n
I sat down.<\/p>\n
"That sounds important."<\/p>\n
"It is. The job would be a promotion, and the salary is better. But I'd have to move."<\/p>\n
"How do you feel about that?"<\/p>\n
She gave a frustrated sigh.<\/p>\n
"That's the problem. I don't know."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Stephanie explained that the position would give her more responsibility.<\/p>\n
She would manage a larger team and have a chance to work on projects she had wanted to pursue for years.<\/p>\n
But the move would take her away from the friends she had built her life around.<\/p>\n
She would also be farther from me and her brothers.<\/p>\n
"I keep thinking about what Dad would say," she admitted.<\/p>\n
"What do you think he would say?"<\/p>\n
"He'd tell me to take the job. He always believed I should push myself harder."<\/p>\n
I considered that.<\/p>\n
"He might have."<\/p>\n
"Then another part of me thinks he'd tell me not to take it because he'd worry about me being alone."<\/p>\n
"That might also be true."<\/p>\n
Stephanie gave me a weary smile.<\/p>\n
"See? I can't even imagine what he would say without arguing with myself."<\/p>\n
I reached for my tea.<\/p>\n
"Perhaps you don't need to decide what your father would say."<\/p>\n
She looked up.<\/p>\n
"What do you mean?"<\/p>\n
"You're not asking him to make the decision. You're trying to guess which version of him would approve."<\/p>\n
Stephanie stared at the table.<\/p>\n
I knew I had touched something important.<\/p>\n
"I suppose I am."<\/p>\n
"Then let's begin with you."<\/p>\n
She opened her notebook.<\/p>\n
"I've written down the advantages and disadvantages."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
"But the list doesn't help."<\/p>\n
"Why not?"<\/p>\n
"Because every point has another point on the other side."<\/p>\n
She turned the notebook toward me.<\/p>\n
The advantages included better pay, more experience, and the chance to do work she found meaningful.<\/p>\n
The disadvantages included moving, leaving familiar people, and starting again somewhere new.<\/p>\n
I read the list carefully.<\/p>\n
"Which part frightens you most?"<\/p>\n
She thought for a long time.<\/p>\n
"That I'll make the wrong choice and spend years regretting it."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's a frightening possibility."<\/p>\n
"You don't have to agree with me."<\/p>\n
"I'm not agreeing that you'll make the wrong choice. I'm agreeing that making a decision when both options matter can be frightening."<\/p>\n
She closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
"I wish someone could tell me which choice is right."<\/p>\n
"Sometimes there isn't one perfect choice."<\/p>\n
"That isn't very helpful."<\/p>\n
"No," I admitted. "But it may be true."<\/p>\n
She leaned back in her chair.<\/p>\n
I remembered how often I had tried to remove uncertainty from my children's lives.<\/p>\n
When they were small, I had chosen their clothes and packed their lunches.<\/p>\n
When they were teenagers, I had tried to steer them away from mistakes.<\/p>\n
As adults, I had continued offering advice even when they hadn't asked for it.<\/p>\n
I had believed that experience gave me the right to point out the safest path.<\/p>\n
But safety wasn't always the same as happiness.<\/p>\n
And a life without mistakes was not a life anyone could promise.<\/p>\n
"Can I tell you something?" I asked.<\/p>\n
"Please."<\/p>\n
"When your father and I were young, I wanted to study nursing."<\/p>\n
Stephanie looked surprised.<\/p>\n
"You never told me that."<\/p>\n
"I didn't think it was worth mentioning."<\/p>\n
"Why didn't you do it?"<\/p>\n
I looked out the window.<\/p>\n
"Your father had a job opportunity in another town. We were newly married, and I thought we should take the chance while it was available."<\/p>\n
"Did you want to move?"<\/p>\n
"Part of me did. Part of me wanted to stay and study. I never really decided which mattered more."<\/p>\n
"What happened?"<\/p>\n
"We moved. Then we had you. Then Michael. Then Danny. Life filled up with other things."<\/p>\n
I smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"I don't regret having you children. I never want you to think that."<\/p>\n
"I don't."<\/p>\n
"But sometimes I wonder who I might have become if I'd made a different choice."<\/p>\n
Stephanie's eyes softened.<\/p>\n
"Do you wish you'd stayed?"<\/p>\n
"Sometimes. Other times, I think about the life we built and feel grateful for it."<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"Both feelings can exist together."<\/p>\n
She looked at me for a long moment.<\/p>\n
"Is that why you want me to take the job?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Then why?"<\/p>\n
"Because I want you to choose for yourself. Not because you think your father would approve, and not because you think I need you nearby."<\/p>\n
Stephanie lowered her eyes.<\/p>\n
"I do worry about leaving you."<\/p>\n
I reached across the table.<\/p>\n
"You can love me from another city."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"And if you stay, I want it to be because you want the life you have here. Not because you think you have to look after me."<\/p>\n
She held my hand.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to abandon you."<\/p>\n
"You wouldn't be abandoning me."<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"I'm not helpless, Stephanie. I may need help sometimes, but I can ask for it."<\/p>\n
She laughed through the tears gathering in her eyes.<\/p>\n
"You're making it sound so easy."<\/p>\n
"It isn't easy. But it is honest."<\/p>\n
We sat together for a while.<\/p>\n
Then she opened her notebook again.<\/p>\n
This time, she wrote a new question beneath the list.<\/p>\n
If nobody else had an opinion, what would I want?<\/p>\n
She read it aloud.<\/p>\n
"I think that's the question I should have started with."<\/p>\n
"What does your answer say?"<\/p>\n
She looked at the page.<\/p>\n
"I want to try the job. I'm scared of moving, but I'm also excited."<\/p>\n
"Then you have something to think about."<\/p>\n
"What if I regret it?"<\/p>\n
"Then you'll deal with the regret if it comes. You don't have to live through every possible future before you choose one."<\/p>\n
Stephanie smiled.<\/p>\n
"Did you learn that from Dad's papers?"<\/p>\n
"No. I think I'm learning it from you."<\/p>\n
She closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
For the first time since she arrived, she looked relaxed.<\/p>\n
"I'll ask them for a few days to consider the offer."<\/p>\n
"That sounds sensible."<\/p>\n
"And I'll visit the city before I decide."<\/p>\n
"That sounds sensible, too."<\/p>\n
She stood and carried her cup to the sink.<\/p>\n
Then she turned back toward me.<\/p>\n
"Mom, thank you for not telling me what to do."<\/p>\n
I felt a small ache in my chest.<\/p>\n
"I should have done that more often."<\/p>\n
She came over and hugged me.<\/p>\n
"You were trying to help."<\/p>\n
"So was your father."<\/p>\n
I held her for a moment.<\/p>\n
"Trying to help doesn't mean we always get it right."<\/p>\n
When she left, I stayed at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
Her notebook was no longer there, but I could still picture the question she had written.<\/p>\n
If nobody else had an opinion, what would I want?<\/p>\n
I thought about my own life.<\/p>\n
I thought about the years I had spent trying to be the dependable wife, the patient mother, and the person who never needed too much.<\/p>\n
I had loved those roles.<\/p>\n
I had also hidden inside them.<\/p>\n
Perhaps it wasn't too late to ask myself what I wanted now.<\/p>\n
I could still spend time with friends.<\/p>\n
I could take the short trip I had postponed.<\/p>\n
I could clear Walt's study when I was ready rather than when I thought other people expected me to.<\/p>\n
I could allow my children to help me without asking them to make every decision for me.<\/p>\n
That evening, I took a notebook from the drawer.<\/p>\n
On the first page, I wrote one sentence.<\/p>\n
What do I want my life to look like now?<\/p>\n
I didn't write an answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I left the question there.<\/p>\n
For once, I was willing to let it remain unanswered until I had something honest to say.<\/p>\n
Stephanie called the following afternoon. I was in the backyard, checking the soil around Walt's tree. The rain had softened the ground, and a few leaves had gathered along the … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39917,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39932","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39932","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39932"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39932\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39952,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39932\/revisions\/39952"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39917"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39932"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39932"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39932"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}