On Friday morning, Nathan called while I was watering the plant.<\/p>\n
I set the watering can down and answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood morning, Claire. Do you have a few minutes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He told me that the review process had moved forward, but he still did not have a final determination to share.<\/p>\n
There were questions being considered and information being reviewed.<\/p>\n
He wanted to make sure I understood that the process could take time.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to mean it.<\/p>\n
He reminded me not to speculate about the outcome or discuss the details casually with people connected to the company.<\/p>\n
I told him I would follow his advice.<\/p>\n
Before we ended the call, I asked whether there was anything else I needed to do.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at present. If the people conducting the review need clarification from you, we'll handle that appropriately.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
After the call, I returned to the plant.<\/p>\n
A small puddle had formed beneath the pot.<\/p>\n
I wiped it with a cloth and moved the pot slightly away from the edge of the sill.<\/p>\n
Then I went about my day.<\/p>\n
I did not tell myself that the absence of a conclusion meant the review was going badly.<\/p>\n
I did not tell myself it meant everything would be fine.<\/p>\n
I simply accepted that I did not know.<\/p>\n
That evening, Aaron came home earlier than usual.<\/p>\n
He looked tired.<\/p>\n
He put his briefcase down and loosened his tie.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Nathan call you today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood still.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did he say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat the process is continuing. There isn't a final determination.\u201d<\/p>\n
Aaron looked toward the kitchen window.<\/p>\n
\u201cMichael spoke to me this afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe said the audit committee is continuing to review the matter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds consistent with what Nathan told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Aaron pulled out a chair and sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate not knowing what they're going to decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI keep thinking about every conversation I've had at work over the past few years. Every expense, every decision, every meeting.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't tell whether I'm remembering things clearly or just worrying about everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat across from him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds exhausting.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you worried?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
His expression tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout the process. About how it will affect you. About what the review may or may not establish. And about us.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're still worried about us?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course I am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought things were getting better.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey are getting better in some ways.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut not enough?\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know how to measure it yet. We're talking more honestly. You're making an effort. I'm making changes in my own life. Those things matter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why does it feel like you're still waiting for something bad to happen?\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I've spent a long time not knowing what to expect from you. That doesn't disappear in a few weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I could make you trust me again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer seemed to surprise him.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I don't think you can make it happen by asking me to trust you. It has to grow from what we do, over time.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you're right. I just wish it were faster.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
We sat quietly.<\/p>\n
I could see that he wanted me to promise that the review would turn out well.<\/p>\n
I wanted the same thing.<\/p>\n
But neither of us could decide its outcome by wanting it.<\/p>\n
I reached for his hand.<\/p>\n
He held mine.<\/p>\n
For a moment, we did not speak.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cI don't want this to destroy everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if it does?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we'll have to face what actually happens. We can't live through every possible future before it arrives.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
I had said something similar to myself many times.<\/p>\n
It was harder to believe when I watched him struggle.<\/p>\n
That night, we made dinner together.<\/p>\n
Aaron chopped vegetables while I prepared the sauce.<\/p>\n
We talked about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
He told me a colleague had recommended a book.<\/p>\n
I told him about a drawing exercise I wanted to try before the next class.<\/p>\n
He asked whether I would show him the result.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I like it,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cFair enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
After dinner, he helped me wash the dishes.<\/p>\n
The kitchen was warm, and the window had fogged slightly above the sink.<\/p>\n
He dried a plate and placed it in the cupboard.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cI know this is going to sound selfish, but sometimes I wish you would tell me more about what you're thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned off the water.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy does that sound selfish?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I know you've needed privacy. But I miss feeling like I know everything about you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you know everything about me before?\u201d<\/p>\n
He seemed ready to answer.<\/p>\n
Then he stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d he admitted. \u201cProbably not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to share things with you. I do. But I don't want to feel that I have to explain every thought before I'm allowed to have it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI also want to hear what you're thinking. I don't want to be the only one doing the work of understanding.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've been afraid to talk because I don't know what you'll do with what I say.\u201d<\/p>\n
The honesty surprised me.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you afraid I'll leave?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm afraid of making the wrong decision, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
He lowered his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I squeezed his hand once before letting go.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can be afraid without making each other responsible for fixing it immediately.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood quietly beside the sink.<\/p>\n
Then he picked up another plate.<\/p>\n
We finished the dishes.<\/p>\n
On Saturday, Aaron asked whether I wanted to go for a drive.<\/p>\n
I agreed.<\/p>\n
We drove out beyond the busiest part of town and stopped at a small caf\u00e9 beside a quiet road.<\/p>\n
The place had mismatched chairs and a chalkboard menu.<\/p>\n
We ordered coffee and sat near the window.<\/p>\n
Aaron watched a couple at the next table sharing a pastry.<\/p>\n
\u201cI used to think being successful meant never having to worry about money again,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I thought it meant being able to make every problem go away.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stirred his coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't think either of those things is true.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think now?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I've spent too much time trying to control things I can't control. And too little time paying attention to what was happening right in front of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt a quiet sadness.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish you'd understood that earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not add an excuse.<\/p>\n
He did not explain how busy he had been or how much pressure he carried.<\/p>\n
He simply let the regret exist.<\/p>\n
I reached for my cup.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's not too late to pay attention now.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
We talked about the house, our families, and a trip we had once planned but never taken.<\/p>\n
We did not make new travel arrangements.<\/p>\n
Neither of us was ready to promise that far ahead.<\/p>\n
Still, it felt good to talk about something beyond the board and the marriage.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, Aaron asked whether I thought we could become happy again.<\/p>\n
I looked through the windshield.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think happiness is possible.\u201d<\/p>\n
He glanced at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that what you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWith me?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned toward him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to find out whether we can build a life that makes both of us feel seen. I can't promise you the outcome, but I am willing to keep trying while that remains honest for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can accept that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I hoped he meant it.<\/p>\n
When we arrived home, I placed my sketchbook on the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
I opened it to the page with the apple.<\/p>\n
Aaron looked at it and laughed again.<\/p>\n
I laughed, too.<\/p>\n
The drawing had not improved.<\/p>\n
That was part of why I liked it.<\/p>\n
It reminded me that I could do something badly, enjoy it anyway, and return to it without turning the result into a judgment about my worth.<\/p>\n
That evening, I wrote in the blue notebook.<\/p>\n
I cannot control the review.<\/p>\n
I cannot control Aaron's feelings.<\/p>\n
I cannot control how quickly trust returns.<\/p>\n
I can control whether I tell the truth, whether I keep my boundaries, and whether I continue to live while I wait.<\/p>\n
I read the lines once.<\/p>\n
Then I closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
The answer had not arrived.<\/p>\n
But I was no longer standing still in front of the door, waiting for someone else to open it.<\/p>\n
On Friday morning, Nathan called while I was watering the plant. I set the watering can down and answered. \u201cGood morning.\u201d \u201cGood morning, Claire. Do you have a few minutes?\u201d … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39894","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39894","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39894"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39894\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39914,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39894\/revisions\/39914"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39894"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39894"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39894"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}