On Monday morning, I received a message from Nathan.<\/p>\n
He asked whether I had time for a brief call later that day.<\/p>\n
I replied that I did.<\/p>\n
The message was short and professional.<\/p>\n
There was no dramatic wording, no warning, and no suggestion that something had suddenly gone wrong.<\/p>\n
Still, I found myself checking my phone more often than usual.<\/p>\n
I disliked how quickly my mind could turn a simple message into a list of possible outcomes.<\/p>\n
At nine, I made coffee.<\/p>\n
At nine fifteen, I checked the phone.<\/p>\n
At nine twenty, I put it in a drawer.<\/p>\n
Then I took it out again.<\/p>\n
I finally carried it upstairs and left it on the dresser while I showered.<\/p>\n
When I came back down, the kitchen looked exactly as it had before.<\/p>\n
The yellow flowers had begun to open.<\/p>\n
The plant beside the window stood straight in its pot.<\/p>\n
The scratch on the table caught the light.<\/p>\n
Nothing in the room had changed because I was waiting for a phone call.<\/p>\n
I sat down and opened my notebook.<\/p>\n
Instead of writing about the board, I wrote a grocery list.<\/p>\n
Milk.<\/p>\n
Eggs.<\/p>\n
Rice.<\/p>\n
Dish soap.<\/p>\n
It was a small way to remind myself that life continued while I waited.<\/p>\n
Nathan called at eleven.<\/p>\n
He explained that the review was proceeding through the appropriate channels.<\/p>\n
There were no final findings to share, and he did not want me to interpret the absence of an update as either good news or bad news.<\/p>\n
I appreciated his directness.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there anything I need to do?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at the moment. Keep your records, and let me know if you receive a request for information or if anything relevant comes to your attention.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShould I tell Aaron we spoke?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are not required to give him a report of every conversation you have with your attorney. If he asks about the process, you can tell him that there is no conclusion yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the notebook.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want him to think I'm hiding something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don't misrepresent anything. But privacy is not the same as dishonesty.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wrote that sentence down.<\/p>\n
After the call, I felt calmer.<\/p>\n
Not because I had received an answer.<\/p>\n
Because I had been reminded that I could wait for one without trying to manufacture it.<\/p>\n
That evening, Aaron arrived home at six thirty.<\/p>\n
He put his briefcase on the entry table and came into the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow was your day?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine. I spoke to Nathan.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped near the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout the review?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnything new?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo final findings. The process is continuing.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me as if he expected more.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's all?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's all I know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He pulled out a chair and sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI keep thinking about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI imagine you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's difficult not knowing what people are saying about me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
He studied my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. I know uncertainty is hard.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you know why I want this over with.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked relieved for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then I added, \u201cBut wanting it to be over doesn't mean we can skip the process.\u201d<\/p>\n
His expression changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn't asking you to skip anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. I'm explaining why I can't promise you when it will end.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI feel as if I can't talk to you without everything becoming formal.\u201d<\/p>\n
I set down the knife I had been using to cut vegetables.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm trying to be careful because this matters. But I don't want our marriage to become a courtroom either.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what are we supposed to do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTalk about the things we can talk about. Be honest about the things we don't know. And let the people responsible for the review do their work.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate it, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I meant it.<\/p>\n
I did not enjoy watching someone I loved become frightened and defensive.<\/p>\n
I did not enjoy feeling that every conversation might become an argument.<\/p>\n
I did not enjoy the thought that the review could put pressure on his career.<\/p>\n
But I also did not want to confuse his discomfort with proof that I had done something wrong.<\/p>\n
Aaron stood and walked to the sink.<\/p>\n
He ran water over his hands, though they were not dirty.<\/p>\n
After a moment, he said, \u201cI'm sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor making you feel like you have to explain every word.\u201d<\/p>\n
The apology was quiet.<\/p>\n
I did not rush to tell him that it was all right.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt has been difficult,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He turned off the tap.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to keep doing that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we need to practice talking differently.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I returned to the vegetables.<\/p>\n
We made dinner together.<\/p>\n
Aaron washed the lettuce while I prepared the dressing.<\/p>\n
He asked me how much salt I wanted in the soup, and I told him.<\/p>\n
We did not discuss the review again.<\/p>\n
For the first time that day, I felt that I could breathe without measuring every word.<\/p>\n
After dinner, we sat at the table with the yellow flowers between us.<\/p>\n
Aaron told me about a difficult decision he had faced at work.<\/p>\n
He did not name the people involved, and I did not ask for details.<\/p>\n
He described the problem and admitted that he was unsure which option would be best.<\/p>\n
I listened.<\/p>\n
Then I asked what information he still needed.<\/p>\n
He thought about it and answered.<\/p>\n
We talked through the choices without either of us pretending that the right answer was obvious.<\/p>\n
When we finished, he looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou've always been good at that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHelping me slow down when I get stuck.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt the familiar pull to become useful.<\/p>\n
To turn his compliment into another responsibility.<\/p>\n
I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm glad it helped,\u201d I said. \u201cBut I can't be the person who solves every difficult thing for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wasn't certain he fully understood.<\/p>\n
Still, he had not argued.<\/p>\n
That night, I called Laura again.<\/p>\n
We spoke for twenty minutes.<\/p>\n
I told her about the flowers and the soup, but I did not turn the conversation into a detailed account of Aaron's behavior.<\/p>\n
I wanted to talk about other things, too.<\/p>\n
Laura told me about a recipe she was trying and a book she thought I would enjoy.<\/p>\n
Before we hung up, she asked how I was feeling.<\/p>\n
\u201cMore like myself,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes that mean things are better with Aaron?\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome things are better. Some things are still uncertain.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you live with that for now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen maybe that's enough for now.\u201d<\/p>\n
After the call, I wrote in my notebook.<\/p>\n
I don't need a final answer to recognize a real change.<\/p>\n
Then I added another line.<\/p>\n
I don't need a small change to pretend the whole problem is solved.<\/p>\n
Both sentences felt important.<\/p>\n
They kept me from dismissing progress.<\/p>\n
They also kept me from using progress as an excuse to stop asking for what I needed.<\/p>\n
The next morning, Aaron left a message before his first meeting.<\/p>\n
He told me he would be working late and gave me an approximate time he expected to return.<\/p>\n
I read it once.<\/p>\n
Then I replied, \u201cThanks for letting me know. I'll see you when you get home.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put the phone down.<\/p>\n
I did not check the clock every ten minutes.<\/p>\n
I made dinner for myself and ate at the table.<\/p>\n
Afterward, I washed my plate and sat by the window with my book.<\/p>\n
At nine, I heard a car pass.<\/p>\n
At nine thirty, the neighbor's porch light came on.<\/p>\n
At ten, I went upstairs to get ready for bed.<\/p>\n
Aaron came home a little after ten thirty.<\/p>\n
He found me in the bedroom, reading.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm sorry it's late.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou told me you would be late.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. I still wanted to say it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put my bookmark between the pages.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow was your evening?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLong.\u201d<\/p>\n
He loosened his tie.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you eat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood beside the bed, looking uncertain.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know whether you're happier when I'm here now,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I thought about the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am happier when we can be together without me feeling that I have to watch for you to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you watching for that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I need time to learn that I don't have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I turned off my bedside lamp.<\/p>\n
We settled beneath the covers.<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, Aaron reached for my hand.<\/p>\n
I took his.<\/p>\n
I did not tell him that everything would be fine.<\/p>\n
He did not ask me to.<\/p>\n
For that night, we let the uncertainty remain where it was.<\/p>\n
On Monday morning, I received a message from Nathan. He asked whether I had time for a brief call later that day. I replied that I did. The message was … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39890","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39890","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39890"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39890\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39910,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39890\/revisions\/39910"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39890"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39890"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39890"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}