Aaron made the reservation himself.<\/p>\n
He told me the name of the restaurant on Thursday evening and asked whether I had any preference about the time.<\/p>\n
It was a small thing.<\/p>\n
I noticed that he asked instead of announcing.<\/p>\n
I told him seven would be fine.<\/p>\n
He wrote it into his calendar.<\/p>\n
I did not praise him for doing something ordinary.<\/p>\n
I also did not pretend I hadn't noticed.<\/p>\n
On Friday, I spent most of the afternoon at home.<\/p>\n
I finished a book I had been reading for weeks and changed the sheets in the guest room.<\/p>\n
I had not decided what the guest room meant for us.<\/p>\n
I only knew that I liked having a space where I could sit without feeling that I was waiting for something.<\/p>\n
At five, I watered the plant by the kitchen window.<\/p>\n
The remaining leaves looked healthier.<\/p>\n
I turned the pot slightly so the other side could receive more light.<\/p>\n
Then I washed my hands and went upstairs to get ready.<\/p>\n
I chose a dark green dress.<\/p>\n
It was one I had bought years earlier and worn only twice because Aaron had said it looked too formal for an ordinary dinner.<\/p>\n
I had kept it anyway.<\/p>\n
When I looked in the mirror, I saw the same face I had seen the week before.<\/p>\n
I looked tired around the eyes.<\/p>\n
There were a few lines near my mouth that seemed deeper than I remembered.<\/p>\n
But I also looked more present.<\/p>\n
I wasn't smiling to reassure anyone.<\/p>\n
I wasn't practicing how to make a difficult evening feel easy.<\/p>\n
I was getting dressed because I wanted to go out.<\/p>\n
Aaron came home at six thirty.<\/p>\n
He had changed his shirt before leaving the office and carried a small paper bag from a bakery.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought we could have these tomorrow,\u201d he said, setting it on the counter.<\/p>\n
Inside were two pastries.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou remembered.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou used to buy them every Saturday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI still like them.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked pleased.<\/p>\n
For a moment, the gesture made me feel like the woman I had been before the fifth night.<\/p>\n
Then I remembered that she had liked them, too.<\/p>\n
The difference was that I no longer wanted a pastry to stand in for a conversation.<\/p>\n
We left at six forty-five.<\/p>\n
Aaron drove.<\/p>\n
The radio was on quietly, and neither of us tried to fill every pause.<\/p>\n
At a red light, he reached over and rested his hand on mine.<\/p>\n
I let it stay there.<\/p>\n
The restaurant was warm and softly lit.<\/p>\n
Our table was near a window, with a small candle between the water glasses.<\/p>\n
Aaron pulled out my chair.<\/p>\n
I thanked him.<\/p>\n
We ordered dinner.<\/p>\n
At first, we talked about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
The weather.<\/p>\n
A book I had finished.<\/p>\n
A new shop that had opened near our house.<\/p>\n
I found myself enjoying the conversation.<\/p>\n
It was easy to forget how much I had been carrying when nothing difficult was being discussed.<\/p>\n
Then Aaron set down his glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think we're doing any better?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we're talking more honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs that better?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you feel closer to me?\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a moment before answering.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked disappointed.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cOther times, I feel like we're standing in the same room with all the things we haven't talked about between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his thumb along the stem of his glass.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know how to get past that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't think we get past it by pretending it isn't there.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
The waiter brought our food.<\/p>\n
We waited until he left before continuing.<\/p>\n
Aaron cut a piece of chicken, then put down his fork.<\/p>\n
\u201cI keep thinking about the nights I stayed out.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt my shoulders tighten.<\/p>\n
I made myself breathe.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I didn't understand what it was doing to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew I was upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew you were upset. I thought it was because you were worried about where I was or because you didn't like my schedule.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was worried sometimes. But I was also hurt.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI should have told you what was going on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI should have called.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can't change those nights.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I can stop acting like they didn't matter.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked down at my plate.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe him.<\/p>\n
I wanted to accept the apology I had waited so long to hear.<\/p>\n
But there was no single sentence that could return the years I had spent lying awake, wondering whether I should call again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI appreciate you saying that,\u201d I told him.<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hope you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked as if he wanted to ask whether I believed him.<\/p>\n
I was grateful he didn't.<\/p>\n
We ate for a few minutes without speaking.<\/p>\n
Then Aaron asked about the board review.<\/p>\n
I set down my fork.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want to talk about that tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want it to be the only thing we talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen maybe we should.\u201d<\/p>\n
I studied his face.<\/p>\n
He seemed tired, but not angry.<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right,\u201d I said. \u201cWhat do you want to know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhether you still think you did the right thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
His jaw tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven now?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEspecially now. I don't know what the review will find. I haven't claimed that it will find anything improper. But I believe the concerns I raised deserved to be handled properly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if it damages my reputation?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat possibility worries me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked surprised.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to be treated unfairly. But I can't promise to withdraw a concern simply because the process is uncomfortable.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish you had come to me first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did come to you about how I felt in our marriage. Many times.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't the same thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it isn't. The board request is about a separate set of concerns. But I don't think we can talk honestly about why I reached this point without acknowledging how long I felt unable to ask questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not answer.<\/p>\n
I let him think.<\/p>\n
For once, I was not trying to win.<\/p>\n
I was trying to explain the truth without changing it to make it easier for him to hear.<\/p>\n
After a while, he said, \u201cI don't know whether I would have listened.\u201d<\/p>\n
The admission surprised me.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He kept his eyes on the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to say I would have. I want to believe I would have. But I don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt something loosen in my chest.<\/p>\n
It wasn't forgiveness.<\/p>\n
It was the relief of hearing him acknowledge a possibility I had been carrying alone.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you for saying that,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
We finished dinner.<\/p>\n
The conversation moved to other things, but neither of us tried to pretend the difficult part had not happened.<\/p>\n
When the bill came, Aaron reached for it.<\/p>\n
I offered to pay half.<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He held my gaze for a moment, then nodded.<\/p>\n
We split the bill.<\/p>\n
It was such a small decision.<\/p>\n
Still, I felt oddly steady as I put my card back in my purse.<\/p>\n
I had spent years allowing Aaron to take care of things because it was easier than explaining that I wanted to take part in them.<\/p>\n
Tonight, he had let me.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, he asked if I wanted to stop for a walk.<\/p>\n
I said yes.<\/p>\n
We parked near a quiet street and walked beneath the trees.<\/p>\n
The air smelled like damp soil.<\/p>\n
Somewhere nearby, a television played behind an open window.<\/p>\n
Aaron slipped his hand into mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've missed this,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo have I.\u201d<\/p>\n
He turned toward me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you think we can get it back?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the street ahead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know if we can get the old version back.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I think we can find out whether there's something new we can build,\u201d I added.<\/p>\n
He squeezed my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not a promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I said. \u201cIt's an honest answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
We continued walking.<\/p>\n
When we got home, I went into the kitchen to put the leftover food away.<\/p>\n
Aaron stood by the doorway.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you for tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know it's not fixed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I want to keep trying.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put the container in the refrigerator and closed the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen keep trying tomorrow, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I could see that he wanted something more certain from me.<\/p>\n
A declaration.<\/p>\n
A guarantee.<\/p>\n
A promise that if he behaved differently, I would stay.<\/p>\n
I could not give him that.<\/p>\n
Not because I wanted to punish him.<\/p>\n
Because I had finally understood that a promise made to stop someone from feeling afraid was not always a promise I could keep.<\/p>\n
I turned off the kitchen light.<\/p>\n
We went upstairs together.<\/p>\n
At the bedroom door, Aaron paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you mind if I slept here again?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He seemed relieved.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I still need time,\u201d I added.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
We changed for bed.<\/p>\n
When I climbed beneath the covers, he was already lying on his side.<\/p>\n
The space between us was smaller than it had been the previous week.<\/p>\n
I did not move closer just to prove that I was willing to forgive him.<\/p>\n
After a while, Aaron reached across the space and rested his hand on the blanket near mine.<\/p>\n
He did not take my hand.<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
I looked at his fingers.<\/p>\n
Then I moved my hand beside his.<\/p>\n
Our little fingers touched.<\/p>\n
It wasn't a resolution.<\/p>\n
It wasn't a promise that the next night would be different.<\/p>\n
It was simply a choice we had both made, without forcing the other to make a bigger one.<\/p>\n
I fell asleep before he did.<\/p>\n
For the first time in a long while, I did not lie awake listening for the front door.<\/p>\n
Aaron made the reservation himself. He told me the name of the restaurant on Thursday evening and asked whether I had any preference about the time. It was a small … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39888","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39888","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39888"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39888\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39908,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39888\/revisions\/39908"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39888"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39888"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39888"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}