Christmas Eve arrived with a cold wind and a gray sky.<\/p>\n
I woke early and went downstairs before the house had fully warmed.<\/p>\n
The tree lights were still glowing.<\/p>\n
I had forgotten to switch them off the night before.<\/p>\n
The wooden star leaned slightly to the left, just as it had when the children finished decorating it.<\/p>\n
I left it that way.<\/p>\n
I made coffee and stood by the kitchen window.<\/p>\n
The maple tree was bare, its branches dark against the pale morning sky.<\/p>\n
Diane and I had planted it thirty-two years earlier.<\/p>\n
We had been younger then, and we had argued about where to put it.<\/p>\n
She wanted it closer to the fence.<\/p>\n
I wanted it nearer the middle of the lawn.<\/p>\n
We settled on a spot between the two.<\/p>\n
For years, I had thought of that tree as a reminder of the life we built together.<\/p>\n
Now it also reminded me that we had never agreed on everything.<\/p>\n
We had disagreed about money, furniture, holidays, and the best way to raise Colin.<\/p>\n
We had disagreed about where the tree should stand.<\/p>\n
But we had learned to make decisions together.<\/p>\n
That was what I had forgotten when Vanessa announced that thirty people would be coming to my house.<\/p>\n
I had allowed a family gathering to become something one person decided and another person paid for.<\/p>\n
I did not want to repeat that mistake.<\/p>\n
After breakfast, I began preparing the house.<\/p>\n
I wiped the kitchen counters.<\/p>\n
I checked the dining chairs.<\/p>\n
I set out the plates and silverware.<\/p>\n
I placed Diane's blue mug on the shelf beside the coffee cups.<\/p>\n
I did not use it for serving anything.<\/p>\n
It belonged where it was.<\/p>\n
At ten, Colin called.<\/p>\n
"Everything all right?"<\/p>\n
"Yes. I'm getting things ready."<\/p>\n
"We'll be over tomorrow morning with the children."<\/p>\n
"I'll be here."<\/p>\n
"Vanessa's bringing the salad."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
He paused.<\/p>\n
"Thanks for hosting us."<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"You're welcome."<\/p>\n
After we hung up, I went into the garage to retrieve the folding chairs.<\/p>\n
I brought two of them inside and placed them near the dining room wall.<\/p>\n
Margaret would be sitting beside me.<\/p>\n
Colin and Vanessa would sit across from us.<\/p>\n
The children would sit between their parents.<\/p>\n
There was enough room.<\/p>\n
There was enough food.<\/p>\n
There was no need to make the house look as if it were preparing for a crowd.<\/p>\n
In the afternoon, Margaret called to confirm that she would arrive before lunch the next day.<\/p>\n
She had made the green beans and was bringing them in a covered dish.<\/p>\n
"I hope you haven't gone overboard with the food," she said.<\/p>\n
"I haven't."<\/p>\n
"Good. I don't want to spend Christmas carrying leftovers home."<\/p>\n
"Neither do I."<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
We talked about the weather and the traffic.<\/p>\n
Then she asked whether I had bought myself anything for Christmas.<\/p>\n
I had not.<\/p>\n
That had been one of my habits.<\/p>\n
I would buy gifts for everyone else, then tell myself there was nothing I needed.<\/p>\n
This year, I had decided to do something different.<\/p>\n
"I bought a new set of gardening gloves," I said.<\/p>\n
"That's what you bought yourself?"<\/p>\n
"They're good gloves."<\/p>\n
Margaret laughed.<\/p>\n
"Well, I suppose it's a start."<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"I also bought a book I've been wanting to read."<\/p>\n
"Much better."<\/p>\n
We said goodbye.<\/p>\n
I went into the living room and looked at the small stack of presents beneath the tree.<\/p>\n
There were gifts for the children.<\/p>\n
A few for Colin and Vanessa.<\/p>\n
One for Margaret.<\/p>\n
And one for myself, wrapped in plain brown paper.<\/p>\n
I had not written my name on it.<\/p>\n
I knew what was inside.<\/p>\n
The book I had wanted to read.<\/p>\n
It was a small thing, but I liked seeing it there.<\/p>\n
For years, I had treated my own wants as optional.<\/p>\n
If there was money left after everyone else's needs had been met, I might buy something for myself.<\/p>\n
Otherwise, I would wait.<\/p>\n
I had convinced myself that this was generosity.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it had been.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it had been fear of disappointing people.<\/p>\n
I was learning to tell the difference.<\/p>\n
That evening, I made a simple supper and ate it at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
Afterward, I washed the dishes and checked the locks.<\/p>\n
Then I sat in the living room with the tree lights on.<\/p>\n
The house was quiet.<\/p>\n
I thought about the large gathering that would take place at the community room the following afternoon.<\/p>\n
I hoped it would go well.<\/p>\n
I hoped Vanessa's family would enjoy themselves.<\/p>\n
I hoped Colin would not spend the entire day worrying about whether everybody was happy.<\/p>\n
But I did not feel responsible for controlling any of those things.<\/p>\n
That was new.<\/p>\n
On Christmas morning, I woke to the sound of a message arriving on my phone.<\/p>\n
It was a photograph from Colin.<\/p>\n
The children were sitting in front of their own tree, surrounded by wrapping paper.<\/p>\n
The older one was holding up a gift.<\/p>\n
The younger one was wearing a paper crown that had slipped over one ear.<\/p>\n
Colin had written:<\/p>\n
Merry Christmas, Dad. They can't wait to see you.*<\/p>\n
I smiled at the photograph.<\/p>\n
Then I replied:<\/p>\n
Merry Christmas. Tell them I have something waiting for them here.*<\/p>\n
I made breakfast and put the kettle on.<\/p>\n
At ten-thirty, I heard the familiar sound of Colin's car pulling into the driveway.<\/p>\n
The children were out of their seats before he had fully stopped.<\/p>\n
I opened the front door.<\/p>\n
"Grandpa!"<\/p>\n
They ran toward me.<\/p>\n
I bent down and held them both.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I did not think about money, guest lists, or the arrangements for the afternoon.<\/p>\n
I just held my grandchildren.<\/p>\n
Then the older one pulled away and looked toward the living room.<\/p>\n
"Is the tree still here?"<\/p>\n
"It is."<\/p>\n
"Can we look at it?"<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
They hurried inside.<\/p>\n
Vanessa came through the door carrying a covered bowl.<\/p>\n
"Merry Christmas," she said.<\/p>\n
"Merry Christmas."<\/p>\n
She handed me the bowl.<\/p>\n
"The salad. I made enough for today, but not enough to feed thirty people."<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
"That sounds about right."<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
"I thought you might appreciate that."<\/p>\n
I took the bowl into the kitchen.<\/p>\n
Colin followed with the children's coats.<\/p>\n
Margaret arrived a few minutes later, carrying the green beans and a small gift bag.<\/p>\n
The house filled with voices.<\/p>\n
The children showed Margaret their presents.<\/p>\n
Colin made coffee.<\/p>\n
Vanessa helped me set the table.<\/p>\n
Nobody asked me to pay for anything.<\/p>\n
Nobody announced that more people were coming.<\/p>\n
We moved around the kitchen together, passing plates and checking the oven.<\/p>\n
It was busy, but it was not overwhelming.<\/p>\n
When the food was ready, we sat down.<\/p>\n
I looked around the table.<\/p>\n
Colin was telling the children a story about the first time he had tried to ride his bicycle without training wheels.<\/p>\n
Margaret was laughing.<\/p>\n
Vanessa was passing the potatoes.<\/p>\n
The younger child was trying to decide whether he liked the green beans.<\/p>\n
The older one had placed her paper angel beside her plate.<\/p>\n
I looked at the empty chair where Diane would have sat.<\/p>\n
I missed her.<\/p>\n
I always would.<\/p>\n
But the sadness did not take away the warmth of the room.<\/p>\n
I could remember her without needing to make the day perfect.<\/p>\n
I could love my family without paying for every part of their lives.<\/p>\n
I could offer help without promising more than I could give.<\/p>\n
And I could say no to a plan without saying no to the people who had made it.<\/p>\n
Those lessons had taken me longer to learn than they should have.<\/p>\n
I was grateful to be learning them now.<\/p>\n
Halfway through the meal, the younger child looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Grandpa, can we come back tomorrow?"<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"You can come back whenever we make a plan."<\/p>\n
He seemed satisfied with that answer.<\/p>\n
The older one asked whether we could bake cookies together the following weekend.<\/p>\n
"We can," I said. "We'll decide what kind and get the ingredients."<\/p>\n
Vanessa looked at me and nodded.<\/p>\n
"That sounds good."<\/p>\n
The conversation moved on.<\/p>\n
Nobody treated the answer as a promise to buy everything or arrange everything.<\/p>\n
It was simply an invitation to do something together.<\/p>\n
After dinner, we carried the dishes into the kitchen.<\/p>\n
Colin washed while I dried.<\/p>\n
Vanessa packed the remaining food into containers.<\/p>\n
Margaret sat with the children in the living room and helped them open the small gifts I had saved for them.<\/p>\n
We worked without rushing.<\/p>\n
When the kitchen was clean, I joined the others.<\/p>\n
The children were sitting on the rug beneath the tree.<\/p>\n
The wooden star was still slightly crooked.<\/p>\n
The older one noticed me looking at it.<\/p>\n
"Grandpa, do you want me to fix the star?"<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"No. I think it's fine."<\/p>\n
She smiled and returned to her present.<\/p>\n
I sat down on the sofa.<\/p>\n
For the first time in years, I was not counting the cost of Christmas in my head.<\/p>\n
I was not calculating what I had paid, what I might be asked to pay next, or how much I would need to set aside to keep everyone satisfied.<\/p>\n
I was simply there.<\/p>\n
And that, I realized, was what I had wanted all along.<\/p>\n
*END PART 16**<\/p>\n
Christmas Eve arrived with a cold wind and a gray sky. I woke early and went downstairs before the house had fully warmed. The tree lights were still glowing. I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39615,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39631","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39631","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39631"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39631\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39651,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39631\/revisions\/39651"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39615"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39631"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39631"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39631"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}