The next few days passed in a strange kind of quiet.<\/p>\n
Ryan woke when the twins woke.<\/p>\n
He helped prepare bottles.<\/p>\n
He changed diapers without waiting for me to ask.<\/p>\n
He learned which songs settled Mia and which ones made Ava stare at him as if she were trying to understand his voice.<\/p>\n
He took the early morning shift when I was too tired to keep my eyes open.<\/p>\n
I noticed every effort.<\/p>\n
I also noticed every time he looked at me afterward, searching for some sign that I had noticed.<\/p>\n
I understood why he wanted reassurance.<\/p>\n
He had hurt me, and he wanted to know whether anything he did could make a difference.<\/p>\n
But I could not become the person responsible for making him feel better about the work he should have been doing all along.<\/p>\n
One morning, I found him sitting beside the nursery window with Mia asleep against his chest.<\/p>\n
The sunlight touched the side of his face.<\/p>\n
He looked down at her with a tenderness that made my chest ache.<\/p>\n
When he noticed me, he smiled.<\/p>\n
"She finally fell asleep."<\/p>\n
"She likes being held upright."<\/p>\n
"I figured that out."<\/p>\n
I nodded and reached for Ava's clean clothes.<\/p>\n
Ryan watched me fold them.<\/p>\n
"Can I ask you something?"<\/p>\n
"You can ask."<\/p>\n
"Are you still angry with me?"<\/p>\n
I set down the tiny shirt.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
His smile disappeared.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Why did you ask me that?"<\/p>\n
"I guess I was hoping you'd say it was getting easier."<\/p>\n
"It is getting easier to get through the day."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
"That doesn't mean I'm less angry."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"I understand."<\/p>\n
I wasn't sure he did, but I didn't explain further.<\/p>\n
I had begun to realize how often I felt compelled to translate my emotions into something he could accept.<\/p>\n
If I was quiet, he worried I was shutting him out.<\/p>\n
If I was angry, he thought we were going backward.<\/p>\n
If I laughed at something the twins did, he sometimes looked relieved, as if happiness meant the worst had passed.<\/p>\n
But I could laugh and still be hurt.<\/p>\n
I could feed the babies and still wonder what my husband had been doing while I waited for his calls.<\/p>\n
I could sit beside him at breakfast and still feel a distance between us that had not existed before.<\/p>\n
Those things could all be true at once.<\/p>\n
Later that morning, Ryan asked whether I wanted to take the girls for a walk.<\/p>\n
I looked outside.<\/p>\n
The sky was clear, and the street was quiet.<\/p>\n
"Maybe after their next feeding," I said.<\/p>\n
"I'll get the stroller ready."<\/p>\n
He went to the hallway closet.<\/p>\n
I followed him a moment later and found him trying to unfold the stroller with one hand while holding a bag of diapers in the other.<\/p>\n
I almost smiled.<\/p>\n
"You're making that harder than it needs to be."<\/p>\n
He looked at the stroller.<\/p>\n
"I was trying to be efficient."<\/p>\n
"Put the bag down first."<\/p>\n
He did.<\/p>\n
The stroller opened.<\/p>\n
For a moment, we both laughed.<\/p>\n
It was a small, familiar sound.<\/p>\n
I felt the warmth of it before the memory of the harbor returned.<\/p>\n
My laughter stopped.<\/p>\n
Ryan noticed.<\/p>\n
He didn't ask me to keep smiling.<\/p>\n
He simply adjusted the stroller handle and waited.<\/p>\n
That helped more than an apology would have.<\/p>\n
We took the girls around the block.<\/p>\n
Mia fell asleep almost immediately.<\/p>\n
Ava stayed awake, turning her head toward the trees whenever the leaves moved.<\/p>\n
Ryan walked beside me, keeping one hand on the stroller.<\/p>\n
For a while, we talked about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
The weather.<\/p>\n
The groceries we needed.<\/p>\n
Whether the girls had outgrown their smallest clothes.<\/p>\n
I found myself wanting to tell him something funny Ava had done the previous night.<\/p>\n
I started the story, then stopped.<\/p>\n
Ryan looked at me.<\/p>\n
"What happened?"<\/p>\n
"Nothing."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
I tried again.<\/p>\n
"She sneezed while I was changing her, and she startled herself so badly that she started crying."<\/p>\n
Ryan laughed.<\/p>\n
"That sounds like Ava."<\/p>\n
"It was ridiculous."<\/p>\n
I laughed, too.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, I forgot to be careful.<\/p>\n
Then the thought came back.<\/p>\n
I had wanted to share these moments with him while he was away.<\/p>\n
Now that he was here, I wasn't sure how much of myself I could safely share.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to punish him by withholding every ordinary detail of my life.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't pretend that the ease between us had returned.<\/p>\n
As we turned onto our street, Ryan spoke.<\/p>\n
"I missed walking with you."<\/p>\n
I looked ahead at the stroller.<\/p>\n
"I missed you, too."<\/p>\n
He glanced at me.<\/p>\n
"Do you think we can get back to that?"<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
"I think we can walk around the block."<\/p>\n
He looked disappointed for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then he nodded.<\/p>\n
"Right."<\/p>\n
I wasn't trying to be cruel.<\/p>\n
I was trying to keep the truth small enough to hold.<\/p>\n
I could not promise him that we would recover our old marriage.<\/p>\n
I could only decide whether I was willing to take the next step.<\/p>\n
That afternoon, I called my sister, Lauren.<\/p>\n
I hadn't told her what had happened at the harbor.<\/p>\n
She knew Ryan had returned home, and she had asked whether the girls were adjusting to having him around.<\/p>\n
I had answered that everything was fine.<\/p>\n
The words had come out automatically.<\/p>\n
When she called again, I almost gave the same answer.<\/p>\n
Instead, I said, "Something happened."<\/p>\n
Her voice changed.<\/p>\n
"What kind of something?"<\/p>\n
I sat at the kitchen table and looked at the feeding notebook beside me.<\/p>\n
"Ryan was seeing someone while he was away."<\/p>\n
There was a pause.<\/p>\n
Then Lauren asked, "Are you serious?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Claire, I'm so sorry."<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
For days, I had been trying to keep the truth inside the house.<\/p>\n
Hearing someone else acknowledge it made the situation feel more real.<\/p>\n
I told her about the harbor.<\/p>\n
I told her about seeing Ryan kiss Simone.<\/p>\n
I told her how he had admitted the affair and ended it the next day.<\/p>\n
Lauren listened without interrupting.<\/p>\n
When I finished, she asked, "What do you want to do?"<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
"That's okay."<\/p>\n
"I keep thinking I should know."<\/p>\n
"You just found out. You don't have to make a decision because everyone else would like the uncertainty to be over."<\/p>\n
I pressed my fingertips against the table.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to make a mistake."<\/p>\n
"You can't guarantee that every choice will be painless."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Then start with what you need right now."<\/p>\n
I looked toward the living room, where Ryan was folding a blanket beside the twins.<\/p>\n
"I need him to be honest."<\/p>\n
"Then tell him that."<\/p>\n
"I have."<\/p>\n
"Tell him again if you need to. And Claire, don't confuse giving him a chance to prove himself with promising to stay."<\/p>\n
I felt tears gather in my eyes.<\/p>\n
"I don't want the girls to lose their family."<\/p>\n
"Your girls still have their family," Lauren said gently. "What happens with your marriage is something you'll have to work through. But you don't have to solve it today."<\/p>\n
I wiped my cheek.<\/p>\n
"Can I come over sometime this week?"<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
"I might need to get out of the house for a little while."<\/p>\n
"Then come over. Bring the girls if you want. Or come alone if Ryan can watch them."<\/p>\n
I glanced at him again.<\/p>\n
The idea of leaving the twins with Ryan for an afternoon still felt complicated.<\/p>\n
But he was their father.<\/p>\n
Caring for them was not a favor he was doing for me.<\/p>\n
It was his responsibility.<\/p>\n
"Let me see how the next couple of days go," I said.<\/p>\n
"All right. But call me whenever you need to."<\/p>\n
After we hung up, I sat quietly for a while.<\/p>\n
I had not realized how lonely I had become.<\/p>\n
Ryan had been away, and I had missed him.<\/p>\n
Then he came home, and I had been afraid to let anyone else know how badly he had hurt me.<\/p>\n
I had been trying to protect the image of our family even while I was struggling to understand what remained of it.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to do that anymore.<\/p>\n
That evening, I told Ryan that I had spoken to Lauren.<\/p>\n
He was sitting on the living-room floor, helping Ava reach for a soft toy.<\/p>\n
"Did you tell her what happened?" he asked.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"She asked how I was doing."<\/p>\n
"What did you tell her?"<\/p>\n
"That I don't know what I'm going to do yet."<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
"That's fair."<\/p>\n
I sat on the sofa.<\/p>\n
"I need you to understand that I'm going to talk to people I trust. I'm not going to hide this to protect you."<\/p>\n
"I wouldn't ask you to."<\/p>\n
"I know. But I need to say it anyway."<\/p>\n
He placed the toy beside Ava.<\/p>\n
"You should be able to talk to whoever you need to."<\/p>\n
I studied his face.<\/p>\n
There was no argument.<\/p>\n
No request that I keep his mistake private.<\/p>\n
It was a small thing, but I appreciated it.<\/p>\n
I didn't tell him that.<\/p>\n
Not yet.<\/p>\n
Later, after the twins were asleep, Ryan came to the bedroom doorway.<\/p>\n
"Would it be okay if I sat with you for a while?"<\/p>\n
I looked up from the book I had been holding without reading.<\/p>\n
"Here?"<\/p>\n
"Only if you're comfortable with it."<\/p>\n
I thought about the question.<\/p>\n
A week earlier, I would not have needed to consider whether my husband could sit beside me.<\/p>\n
Now even that felt like something I had to choose.<\/p>\n
"You can sit," I said.<\/p>\n
He came in and sat on the far side of the bed.<\/p>\n
He didn't touch me.<\/p>\n
We listened to the quiet house.<\/p>\n
After a while, he said, "I know I can't ask you to be the same with me right now."<\/p>\n
I kept my eyes on the book.<\/p>\n
"No, you can't."<\/p>\n
"I miss you."<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"I miss who I thought we were."<\/p>\n
He took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
"I don't know what to say to that."<\/p>\n
"You don't have to say anything."<\/p>\n
So he didn't.<\/p>\n
We sat together for several minutes without trying to fix the silence.<\/p>\n
When he finally stood, he paused beside the door.<\/p>\n
"Good night, Claire."<\/p>\n
"Good night."<\/p>\n
He left the room.<\/p>\n
I put the book on the bedside table and turned off the lamp.<\/p>\n
I was still angry.<\/p>\n
I was still hurt.<\/p>\n
But I was beginning to understand that I could let Ryan take a step toward me without promising to meet him halfway.<\/p>\n
I could accept a quiet evening.<\/p>\n
I could appreciate a walk with the stroller.<\/p>\n
I could laugh at something our daughter did.<\/p>\n
None of those things meant I had forgiven him.<\/p>\n
They meant I was still living my life.<\/p>\n
And for now, that was enough.<\/p>\n
*END PART 11**<\/p>\n
The next few days passed in a strange kind of quiet. Ryan woke when the twins woke. He helped prepare bottles. He changed diapers without waiting for me to ask. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39489,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39500","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39500","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39500"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39500\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39520,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39500\/revisions\/39520"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39489"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39500"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39500"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39500"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}