I kept waiting for Ryan to explain.<\/p>\n
He had always been good at finding the right words when a situation became uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
If he arrived late, he could make me laugh.<\/p>\n
If he forgot something important, he could usually convince me that it hadn't been intentional.<\/p>\n
Even during arguments, he knew when to lower his voice and when to reach for my hand.<\/p>\n
That morning, he did none of those things.<\/p>\n
He stood beside the stroller and looked from me to Simone.<\/p>\n
Then he looked down at the girls again.<\/p>\n
Mia was crying now.<\/p>\n
Her little face had turned red, and she was moving her arms beneath the blanket.<\/p>\n
I bent down to check her.<\/p>\n
It was easier than looking at either adult.<\/p>\n
I adjusted the blanket around her legs and touched her cheek.<\/p>\n
"You're all right," I whispered.<\/p>\n
I wasn't sure whether I was talking to her or myself.<\/p>\n
Ryan cleared his throat.<\/p>\n
"Claire, this isn't the place for this."<\/p>\n
I looked up.<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
Not because anything was funny.<\/p>\n
Because he had managed to make the harbor sound like the problem.<\/p>\n
I was the one standing there with two babies.<\/p>\n
I was the one who had watched him kiss another woman.<\/p>\n
Yet somehow, the first thing he wanted to discuss was where we were standing.<\/p>\n
"Then where would you like to talk about it?"<\/p>\n
He glanced toward Simone.<\/p>\n
She looked away briefly, as if she had suddenly become interested in something beyond the arrival area.<\/p>\n
Ryan lowered his voice.<\/p>\n
"Can we talk somewhere private?"<\/p>\n
I looked at the stroller.<\/p>\n
Ava was beginning to stir.<\/p>\n
Mia's cries had grown louder.<\/p>\n
I had spent the morning arranging everything so the girls would be comfortable during the trip.<\/p>\n
I had packed enough supplies for several hours.<\/p>\n
I had planned the timing around their feeding schedule.<\/p>\n
I had thought about everything except the possibility that their father might greet us this way.<\/p>\n
"Not before you answer me."<\/p>\n
Ryan's jaw tightened.<\/p>\n
He glanced around at the people passing nearby.<\/p>\n
That small movement told me he was embarrassed.<\/p>\n
But he wasn't embarrassed enough to apologize.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He looked at Simone again.<\/p>\n
She shifted her handbag to her other shoulder.<\/p>\n
The three of us stood in a silence that seemed to grow heavier with every passing second.<\/p>\n
Finally, Ryan spoke.<\/p>\n
"Simone and I know each other."<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
It was such a small sentence.<\/p>\n
So ordinary.<\/p>\n
It could have explained almost anything, yet it explained nothing.<\/p>\n
"I saw you kiss her."<\/p>\n
"I know what you saw."<\/p>\n
His answer came quickly.<\/p>\n
Too quickly.<\/p>\n
I searched his face for some sign that he understood what those words meant to me.<\/p>\n
He looked tense, but his expression remained controlled.<\/p>\n
It was the same look he wore when he was trying to keep an argument from getting out of hand.<\/p>\n
I had seen it before.<\/p>\n
Usually, I had mistaken it for patience.<\/p>\n
That morning, I wasn't so sure.<\/p>\n
"Then why did you do it?"<\/p>\n
He looked away.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought he might finally tell me the truth.<\/p>\n
Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck.<\/p>\n
"It's complicated."<\/p>\n
I hated those two words.<\/p>\n
Complicated.<\/p>\n
As though the problem were too difficult for ordinary people to understand.<\/p>\n
As though I were asking him to explain something beyond my ability to comprehend.<\/p>\n
I had spent three months raising his daughters while he worked at sea.<\/p>\n
I had managed sleepless nights, endless laundry, and the constant fear that I might miss something important because I was too tired to notice.<\/p>\n
I had done all of that believing we were waiting for him together.<\/p>\n
And now he was telling me that the kiss I had watched with my own eyes was complicated.<\/p>\n
I felt anger rise inside me.<\/p>\n
It frightened me because I had spent so long trying to remain calm.<\/p>\n
"Did you know I was coming?"<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I looked at Simone.<\/p>\n
She didn't react.<\/p>\n
I returned my attention to Ryan.<\/p>\n
"Have you been seeing her?"<\/p>\n
He exhaled through his nose.<\/p>\n
"Claire, please."<\/p>\n
That was not an answer.<\/p>\n
I knew it.<\/p>\n
He knew it.<\/p>\n
Yet he seemed to hope that saying my name would make me stop asking.<\/p>\n
It almost worked.<\/p>\n
For a second, I remembered all the times he had called me Claire in that same quiet tone when he wanted me to trust him.<\/p>\n
I remembered how he used to reach across the table and squeeze my hand.<\/p>\n
I remembered the first time he told me he wanted a future with me.<\/p>\n
I had believed him because he sounded certain.<\/p>\n
Now I wondered how much certainty a person could imitate.<\/p>\n
Simone finally spoke.<\/p>\n
"I don't think this is the right time to have a conversation like this."<\/p>\n
I turned toward her.<\/p>\n
She had no idea how much I disliked hearing that from her.<\/p>\n
Perhaps she thought she was being reasonable.<\/p>\n
Perhaps she simply wanted to leave.<\/p>\n
I couldn't tell.<\/p>\n
"What time would be right?"<\/p>\n
She blinked.<\/p>\n
I continued before she could answer.<\/p>\n
"When would it be convenient for me to discover that my husband is kissing someone else?"<\/p>\n
Ryan stepped closer.<\/p>\n
"Claire, don't."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
There was something in his voice that made me stop.<\/p>\n
Not because he had frightened me.<\/p>\n
Because I recognized the warning beneath the words.<\/p>\n
He wasn't asking me to calm down for my sake.<\/p>\n
He was asking me to stop making the situation harder for him.<\/p>\n
I looked at the stroller again.<\/p>\n
Mia was still upset.<\/p>\n
Ava had awakened and was moving her head from side to side.<\/p>\n
The girls needed me.<\/p>\n
That was the one thing I understood clearly.<\/p>\n
I could demand answers at that moment, but I couldn't force Ryan to give them.<\/p>\n
And I wasn't going to let our daughters spend their first reunion with their father surrounded by a scene neither of them could understand.<\/p>\n
I lifted Ava from the stroller.<\/p>\n
She made a small sound and settled against my shoulder.<\/p>\n
Then I checked Mia's blanket and adjusted the stroller canopy.<\/p>\n
I had to keep my hands busy.<\/p>\n
If I stopped moving, I feared I might begin shaking.<\/p>\n
Ryan watched me.<\/p>\n
"Let me take one of them."<\/p>\n
The offer might have sounded kind under different circumstances.<\/p>\n
I looked at him for a moment.<\/p>\n
He was their father.<\/p>\n
He had every right to hold them.<\/p>\n
I knew that.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't bring myself to place Ava in his arms while the taste of that kiss still seemed to hang between us.<\/p>\n
"Not right now."<\/p>\n
His face changed.<\/p>\n
He looked hurt.<\/p>\n
I almost apologized.<\/p>\n
That was the part I found hardest to admit later.<\/p>\n
Even then, even after what I had seen, I was worried about hurting his feelings.<\/p>\n
I was worried that I was being unfair.<\/p>\n
I was worried that I might be making a terrible mistake by refusing to let him hold his daughter.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, he had not answered a single question.<\/p>\n
Simone shifted her weight again.<\/p>\n
"I should go."<\/p>\n
Ryan turned toward her.<\/p>\n
Neither of them said anything for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then he nodded.<\/p>\n
She started to walk away.<\/p>\n
I watched her take several steps before something occurred to me.<\/p>\n
If she had been a stranger, she might have looked surprised by what happened.<\/p>\n
If she had misunderstood the situation, she might have apologized.<\/p>\n
If she had only been offering a friendly greeting, the kiss might have left her just as confused as I was.<\/p>\n
But Simone had done none of those things.<\/p>\n
She had stood beside Ryan with the calmness of someone who knew him well enough not to panic.<\/p>\n
I didn't know what that meant.<\/p>\n
I only knew that I couldn't ignore it.<\/p>\n
"Simone."<\/p>\n
She stopped and turned around.<\/p>\n
I held Ava close against my shoulder.<\/p>\n
"Did you know he was married?"<\/p>\n
The question seemed to change the air between us.<\/p>\n
Simone's expression tightened slightly.<\/p>\n
She glanced at Ryan.<\/p>\n
It was a brief look, but I saw it.<\/p>\n
He looked back at her.<\/p>\n
Neither of them answered immediately.<\/p>\n
That silence was different from the others.<\/p>\n
It carried something.<\/p>\n
Then Simone said, "You should talk to Ryan."<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
"I am trying to."<\/p>\n
She lowered her eyes for a moment.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to make this worse."<\/p>\n
I thought about the kiss.<\/p>\n
I thought about the way her hand had rested on his chest.<\/p>\n
I thought about how easily Ryan had put his arm around her.<\/p>\n
The damage had already happened.<\/p>\n
Whatever she believed she could avoid by remaining silent, it was too late for that.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to make it worse," I said. "Just tell me the truth."<\/p>\n
She looked at me again.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought she might speak.<\/p>\n
Then she turned away.<\/p>\n
Ryan didn't stop her.<\/p>\n
He watched her leave, his expression unreadable.<\/p>\n
I stood there holding Ava while Mia cried in the stroller.<\/p>\n
I had imagined this morning so many times.<\/p>\n
I had imagined Ryan lifting the girls into his arms.<\/p>\n
I had imagined him telling them how much he loved them, even though they were too young to understand.<\/p>\n
I had imagined a photograph of the four of us that I could keep beside our wedding picture.<\/p>\n
Instead, I had a stroller, a diaper bag, and a husband who wouldn't look me in the eye for more than a few seconds.<\/p>\n
"Claire."<\/p>\n
I turned toward him.<\/p>\n
He had taken a step closer.<\/p>\n
"Please let me explain."<\/p>\n
I wanted to hear him.<\/p>\n
That was the humiliating truth.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to tell me that I had misunderstood.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to give me a reason to believe the life I had built was still real.<\/p>\n
But I was beginning to understand that wanting an explanation and receiving one were two different things.<\/p>\n
"Then explain."<\/p>\n
He glanced toward the departing crowd.<\/p>\n
"Not here."<\/p>\n
I looked at him for a long moment.<\/p>\n
Then I nodded once.<\/p>\n
Not because I accepted his answer.<\/p>\n
Because I needed to get the girls somewhere quiet, and because I was no longer willing to let him decide which questions I was allowed to ask.<\/p>\n
I began pushing the stroller toward the exit.<\/p>\n
Ryan followed.<\/p>\n
For several steps, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I could hear his shoes behind me.<\/p>\n
The sound reminded me of all the times he had walked beside me through ordinary days, carrying groceries or holding a door open while I pushed the stroller through the house.<\/p>\n
The familiar sound made me feel worse.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to catch up and take my hand.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to act like the man I thought I knew.<\/p>\n
Instead, he kept a careful distance.<\/p>\n
When we reached a quieter area, I stopped beside a bench.<\/p>\n
Ava was awake now.<\/p>\n
I lowered her into the stroller and checked both girls.<\/p>\n
Mia's crying had softened into small, tired noises.<\/p>\n
I gave her a pacifier and waited until she settled.<\/p>\n
Ryan stood a few feet away.<\/p>\n
He looked at the girls for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then he looked at me.<\/p>\n
"I never wanted you to find out this way."<\/p>\n
I felt my stomach tighten.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not an explanation.<\/p>\n
Not a denial.<\/p>\n
Something worse.<\/p>\n
He had spoken as though there were a way for me to discover this that would have been acceptable.<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
"What exactly did you think I was supposed to find out?"<\/p>\n
He opened his mouth.<\/p>\n
Then he closed it again.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He looked down at the pavement.<\/p>\n
And I realized that whatever he had planned to tell me, he had not planned to tell me that morning.<\/p>\n
I kept waiting for Ryan to explain. He had always been good at finding the right words when a situation became uncomfortable. If he arrived late, he could make me … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39489,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39491"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39511,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39491\/revisions\/39511"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39489"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}