The next time Daniel called, I answered.<\/p>\n
Grace was resting against the pillow with her eyes half closed.<\/p>\n
I stepped only a short distance from the bed, keeping her in sight.<\/p>\n
"What is going on?" Daniel asked.<\/p>\n
His voice was controlled, but I could hear the impatience beneath it.<\/p>\n
"I'm still waiting for the hospital to clarify the cancellation."<\/p>\n
"I already told you that you're misunderstanding the situation."<\/p>\n
"Then explain it to me."<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought he might finally tell me something that would make the afternoon easier to understand.<\/p>\n
Instead, he asked why I was making everything so difficult.<\/p>\n
"I'm not trying to make anything difficult," I said. "Grace is here because she has been having pain, and the hospital says an authorization was canceled."<\/p>\n
"They have procedures."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Then let them follow them."<\/p>\n
"That's what I'm doing. I'm asking them what the cancellation means for her care."<\/p>\n
Daniel exhaled sharply.<\/p>\n
"You always do this when you're worried. You keep asking the same question until you get the answer you want."<\/p>\n
I looked through the doorway at Grace.<\/p>\n
She had opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I lowered my voice.<\/p>\n
"I'm asking because I don't understand what happened."<\/p>\n
"You don't need to understand every administrative detail."<\/p>\n
"I do if it affects whether our daughter can receive care."<\/p>\n
He said my name in the tone he used when he wanted me to stop arguing.<\/p>\n
I had heard that tone at our kitchen table, in the car, and during conversations about bills and appointments.<\/p>\n
Usually, I would have softened my answer.<\/p>\n
I would have told him I wasn't trying to challenge him.<\/p>\n
This time, I didn't.<\/p>\n
"Did you cancel the authorization?"<\/p>\n
Another silence followed.<\/p>\n
"Why are you asking me that again?"<\/p>\n
"Because the hospital has connected your information with the cancellation, and I want to hear what you know."<\/p>\n
"I don't know exactly what they're talking about."<\/p>\n
"Did you request it?"<\/p>\n
He didn't answer directly.<\/p>\n
Instead, he said he would deal with the matter when I came home.<\/p>\n
I felt the old instinct rise in me.<\/p>\n
I wanted to accept that answer because it would let me stop asking questions.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe he had a reasonable explanation waiting for me.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't use a promise of a future explanation as a substitute for understanding what was happening now.<\/p>\n
"I'm staying with Grace until I know what the hospital needs from us," I said.<\/p>\n
"Rebecca, this is getting ridiculous."<\/p>\n
"I'm not going to argue with you over the phone."<\/p>\n
"Then come home and we can talk."<\/p>\n
"I'll talk to you when I can."<\/p>\n
He ended the call.<\/p>\n
I stood still for a moment, holding the phone in my hand.<\/p>\n
The screen went dark.<\/p>\n
I looked at my reflection in it and hardly recognized the expression on my face.<\/p>\n
I wasn't angry in the way I had expected to be.<\/p>\n
I was tired.<\/p>\n
I was also frightened by how familiar the conversation had felt.<\/p>\n
Daniel had asked me to stop questioning him, and some part of me had immediately wanted to obey.<\/p>\n
That response had developed over years.<\/p>\n
It hadn't appeared in the hospital that afternoon.<\/p>\n
I returned to Grace's side.<\/p>\n
"Was that Dad?" she asked.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"What did he say?"<\/p>\n
"He wants me to come home."<\/p>\n
Grace pulled her sleeves over her fingers again.<\/p>\n
"Are you going to?"<\/p>\n
"Not until I understand what's happening here."<\/p>\n
She looked at the floor.<\/p>\n
"He's going to be angry."<\/p>\n
"I know he might be."<\/p>\n
She glanced at me, surprised that I had acknowledged it without pretending otherwise.<\/p>\n
I sat down.<\/p>\n
"But you aren't responsible for managing his feelings," I said. "You didn't cause this by telling me your stomach hurt."<\/p>\n
She didn't reply immediately.<\/p>\n
Then she asked, "What if he says you should have waited?"<\/p>\n
I remembered how many times I had repeated that question to myself.<\/p>\n
What if I had waited?<\/p>\n
What if I had taken Grace's pain more seriously sooner?<\/p>\n
What if I had insisted that she be examined the first time she told me something was wrong?<\/p>\n
There were so many moments I wanted to revisit.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't change them by agreeing with Daniel now.<\/p>\n
"If he says that, I'll tell him why I brought you here," I said.<\/p>\n
Grace studied my face.<\/p>\n
"Will you tell him I wasn't pretending?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled, though she tried to keep the tears from falling.<\/p>\n
I reached for a tissue and placed it on the bed beside her.<\/p>\n
She took it herself.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to assume every tear needed to be wiped away by me.<\/p>\n
Sometimes she needed room to feel what she felt without someone trying to hurry her through it.<\/p>\n
When she was ready, she spoke again.<\/p>\n
"I didn't tell you everything because I didn't want everyone to get upset."<\/p>\n
I turned toward her.<\/p>\n
"What do you mean?"<\/p>\n
She stared at the tissue in her hands.<\/p>\n
"I thought if I said it was really bad, Dad would say I was being dramatic."<\/p>\n
I waited for her to continue.<\/p>\n
"He says that when I don't finish things. Or when I say something hurts and I don't want to do what I'm supposed to do."<\/p>\n
I felt a heaviness settle in my chest.<\/p>\n
I had heard Daniel make those comments.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I had disagreed.<\/p>\n
Other times, I had stayed quiet because I didn't want another argument.<\/p>\n
I had told myself that Grace knew we loved her.<\/p>\n
I had assumed that my silence didn't change the meaning of Daniel's words.<\/p>\n
Now I was sitting beside her, hearing that she had learned to measure her pain against the possibility of upsetting us.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry," I said.<\/p>\n
She rubbed the tissue between her fingers.<\/p>\n
"You already said that."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Why do you keep saying it?"<\/p>\n
I thought carefully before answering.<\/p>\n
"Because I'm sorry, and because I want to do better. But I know saying it doesn't fix everything."<\/p>\n
She considered that.<\/p>\n
Then she folded the tissue into a small square.<\/p>\n
I didn't push her to forgive me.<\/p>\n
A doctor had not yet given us a clear answer about the cause of her pain.<\/p>\n
The staff were still working through the authorization question.<\/p>\n
Those were separate problems, and I could not solve either one by making promises I couldn't keep.<\/p>\n
I could only keep listening.<\/p>\n
A nurse came in and checked on Grace again.<\/p>\n
She asked about the pain and whether anything had changed.<\/p>\n
Grace answered more readily this time.<\/p>\n
I noticed the difference.<\/p>\n
She still looked toward me now and then, but she didn't wait for me to speak first.<\/p>\n
When the nurse finished, I asked whether there was anything else we should do while we waited.<\/p>\n
She gave us the instructions she had available and reminded us that the team would return with more information.<\/p>\n
I thanked her.<\/p>\n
After she left, I wrote the time and the main points in my phone.<\/p>\n
I wasn't trying to build a case against Daniel.<\/p>\n
I was trying to keep track of what had actually been said.<\/p>\n
I had spent too much of the afternoon wondering whether I had misunderstood something.<\/p>\n
A written note gave me something solid to return to.<\/p>\n
Grace watched me type.<\/p>\n
"What are you writing?"<\/p>\n
"What the hospital has told me, so I don't forget."<\/p>\n
"Are you writing down what Dad says too?"<\/p>\n
I paused.<\/p>\n
"Only if it helps me remember something important."<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
Then she looked away.<\/p>\n
I put the phone down and gave her my attention again.<\/p>\n
For a while, we sat quietly.<\/p>\n
I thought about the kitchen at home, the skillet on the stove, and the eggs Grace hadn't eaten.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether Daniel had turned off the burner after I left.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he was still at the house, waiting for me to return so he could explain the situation on his terms.<\/p>\n
I also wondered how many times I had mistaken the absence of an argument for the presence of peace.<\/p>\n
The answer frightened me.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't let that fear take me away from the room.<\/p>\n
Grace was still hurting.<\/p>\n
The hospital still had questions to answer.<\/p>\n
And I was still her mother.<\/p>\n
The next time Daniel called, I answered. Grace was resting against the pillow with her eyes half closed. I stepped only a short distance from the bed, keeping her in … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39198,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39208","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39208","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39208"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39208\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39228,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39208\/revisions\/39228"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39198"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39208"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39208"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39208"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}