The next few days were quieter than I expected.<\/p>\n
Diane didn't call as often.<\/p>\n
When she did, Jake spoke to her normally.<\/p>\n
He didn't ignore her.<\/p>\n
He didn't become cold.<\/p>\n
He simply stopped treating every request as something he had to satisfy immediately.<\/p>\n
I noticed the difference.<\/p>\n
I also noticed that I was less tense when the phone rang.<\/p>\n
I didn't automatically wonder whether she was calling to complain about me.<\/p>\n
I didn't feel the need to listen carefully to every word Jake said.<\/p>\n
I was learning to let their relationship belong to them.<\/p>\n
That should have felt simple.<\/p>\n
It didn't.<\/p>\n
For a long time, I had believed that if I wasn't paying attention, something would happen without my knowing.<\/p>\n
I had become watchful because I didn't feel secure.<\/p>\n
Now that Jake was trying to change, I had to learn a different habit.<\/p>\n
I had to trust him enough to stop watching every moment.<\/p>\n
That took time.<\/p>\n
One afternoon, I came home and found Jake sitting at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
He looked up when I entered.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put my bag down.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom called.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt the old reflex rise inside me.<\/p>\n
I almost asked what she wanted.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
Jake noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wanted to know if we could visit this weekend.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took off my jacket.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you tell her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said I'd check with you and see what we had planned.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
That seemed reasonable.<\/p>\n
We had not made any plans yet.<\/p>\n
There was no reason we couldn't visit if we wanted to.<\/p>\n
But I didn't want our decision to come from fear of upsetting her.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet's talk about it tonight,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
He returned to what he had been doing.<\/p>\n
I went upstairs to change.<\/p>\n
The conversation stayed with me, but it didn't take over the afternoon.<\/p>\n
That felt new.<\/p>\n
Later, while we were preparing dinner, Jake brought it up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we should go over on Sunday.\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered it.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want to?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. I haven't seen her in a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen let's go.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked relieved.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can visit your mother without making it a problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's what I want.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
We agreed to have dinner with Diane on Sunday.<\/p>\n
I didn't spend the rest of the evening rehearsing what I would say if she brought up the house.<\/p>\n
I didn't imagine every possible argument.<\/p>\n
I wanted to give myself a chance to enjoy the visit.<\/p>\n
Sunday arrived.<\/p>\n
Jake and I drove to her house in the afternoon.<\/p>\n
The weather was pleasant, and the drive was uneventful.<\/p>\n
We talked about a few things we wanted to do around our own house.<\/p>\n
Jake mentioned that we needed to organize one of the cupboards.<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou've been saying that for weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe we should actually do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe we should.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was a small exchange.<\/p>\n
Nothing important.<\/p>\n
But I found myself enjoying it more than I expected.<\/p>\n
We were talking about our life.<\/p>\n
Our plans.<\/p>\n
Our home.<\/p>\n
When we arrived, Diane greeted us at the door.<\/p>\n
She hugged Jake.<\/p>\n
Then she looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, Rachel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHello.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her expression was reserved.<\/p>\n
Mine was, too.<\/p>\n
We went inside.<\/p>\n
Dinner was pleasant enough.<\/p>\n
Diane asked about work.<\/p>\n
Jake told her a little about his week.<\/p>\n
I answered a few questions.<\/p>\n
Nobody mentioned the down payment.<\/p>\n
Nobody discussed the night she had come into our bedroom.<\/p>\n
I didn't mistake the absence of those subjects for an apology.<\/p>\n
But I was grateful that we could sit together without reopening the same argument.<\/p>\n
After dinner, Jake helped his mother carry a few dishes into the kitchen.<\/p>\n
I followed with the remaining plates.<\/p>\n
For a while, the three of us worked quietly.<\/p>\n
Then Diane looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you been keeping busy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cWork has been keeping me occupied.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited for the conversation to continue.<\/p>\n
It didn't.<\/p>\n
I could have tried to fill the silence.<\/p>\n
I could have asked her whether she was feeling better or whether she needed help with anything else.<\/p>\n
I could have done what I had done so many times before and tried to earn warmth through effort.<\/p>\n
Instead, I dried the plate in my hands.<\/p>\n
I placed it in the cupboard.<\/p>\n
Then I returned to the dining room.<\/p>\n
Diane didn't follow me immediately.<\/p>\n
Jake came out a few minutes later.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou ready to go?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
We thanked her for dinner.<\/p>\n
Diane hugged Jake and said goodbye.<\/p>\n
She gave me a brief nod.<\/p>\n
Then we left.<\/p>\n
The visit had been ordinary.<\/p>\n
Not warm.<\/p>\n
Not hostile.<\/p>\n
Just ordinary.<\/p>\n
On the drive home, Jake asked what I thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think it went fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked out the window.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I felt disappointed.<\/p>\n
I had hoped that the passage of time might make things easier between Diane and me.<\/p>\n
I had hoped she might acknowledge what had happened.<\/p>\n
I had hoped that the changes Jake was making would eventually lead her to see me differently.<\/p>\n
None of that had happened.<\/p>\n
But something else had.<\/p>\n
I had gone to her house without spending the entire visit trying to earn her approval.<\/p>\n
I had been polite.<\/p>\n
I had participated in the evening.<\/p>\n
I had left without feeling that I needed to review every sentence I had spoken.<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to understand that I could not control whether Diane liked me.<\/p>\n
I could control whether I allowed her opinion to define my place in my own marriage.<\/p>\n
Those were different things.<\/p>\n
When we arrived home, I unlocked the front door and stepped inside.<\/p>\n
The house was quiet.<\/p>\n
I put my bag on the counter.<\/p>\n
Jake followed me.<\/p>\n
He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm glad we went,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe too.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rested his chin against my shoulder.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think things are getting better.\u201d<\/p>\n
I leaned back against him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think some things are.\u201d<\/p>\n
He was quiet for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you still feel like she doesn't want you around?\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
He loosened his arms and turned me toward him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish I could fix that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can help. But you can't decide how she feels.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I can't keep trying to change her mind by making myself smaller.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I touched his arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don't ask me to.\u201d<\/p>\n
He met my eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI won't.\u201d<\/p>\n
I believed that he meant it.<\/p>\n
I also understood that we would need to keep working at it.<\/p>\n
The house was still ours.<\/p>\n
The bedroom was still ours.<\/p>\n
The life we were building was still ours.<\/p>\n
Diane might always have opinions about it.<\/p>\n
She might never become the kind of mother-in-law I had once hoped she would be.<\/p>\n
That was painful to accept.<\/p>\n
But it was not the end of my marriage.<\/p>\n
For the first time, I could imagine a future in which I didn't need her approval to feel secure.<\/p>\n
I could appreciate her help without owing her my silence.<\/p>\n
I could welcome her into our home without letting her take charge of it.<\/p>\n
And I could love Jake without asking him to stop loving his mother.<\/p>\n
We only had to stop treating those things as though they could not exist together.<\/p>\n
That evening, I went upstairs and changed into my pajamas.<\/p>\n
I hung my robe in the closet.<\/p>\n
Then I turned off the overhead light and switched on the bedside lamp.<\/p>\n
Jake came into the room a few minutes later.<\/p>\n
He looked at the bed.<\/p>\n
Then he looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cReady?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
He climbed in beside me.<\/p>\n
We turned off the lamp and settled beneath the blanket.<\/p>\n
The room was quiet.<\/p>\n
For once, I didn't feel the need to listen for someone coming through the door.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
I wasn't completely at peace.<\/p>\n
But I was no longer waiting for Diane to give me permission to feel at home.<\/p>\n
The next few days were quieter than I expected. Diane didn't call as often. When she did, Jake spoke to her normally. He didn't ignore her. He didn't become cold. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39052,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39070","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39070","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39070"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39070\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39090,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39070\/revisions\/39090"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39052"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39070"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39070"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39070"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}