I barely slept.<\/p>\n
Every time I drifted off, I remembered Diane standing beside the bed.<\/p>\n
I remembered the sudden light.<\/p>\n
The blanket pulled away.<\/p>\n
Jake sitting there with his pants in his hands.<\/p>\n
By morning, the details had begun to feel unreal.<\/p>\n
That almost made them worse.<\/p>\n
I got up before Jake and went to the bathroom.<\/p>\n
I washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror.<\/p>\n
My eyes were tired.<\/p>\n
My hair was a mess.<\/p>\n
I looked like someone who had spent the night worrying about something she couldn't fix.<\/p>\n
I didn't feel particularly strong.<\/p>\n
I didn't feel transformed.<\/p>\n
I felt exhausted.<\/p>\n
I brushed my hair, changed into ordinary clothes, and went downstairs.<\/p>\n
The house looked the same as it had the day before.<\/p>\n
Nothing had moved.<\/p>\n
The furniture was where we had left it.<\/p>\n
The kitchen counter was clear except for a few things we hadn't put away.<\/p>\n
The ordinary sight of it made me pause.<\/p>\n
I had expected the house to feel different after what happened.<\/p>\n
Instead, it seemed to be waiting for me to decide what kind of place it was.<\/p>\n
I went to the kitchen and made coffee.<\/p>\n
The sound of the machine filling the pot was comforting.<\/p>\n
I liked small routines.<\/p>\n
They gave me something to do when my thoughts became too loud.<\/p>\n
I took a mug from the cupboard and stood by the counter.<\/p>\n
For a few minutes, I let myself think about something simple.<\/p>\n
Coffee.<\/p>\n
Breakfast.<\/p>\n
The things I needed to do that day.<\/p>\n
Then my mind returned to Jake.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he had slept.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he regretted letting his mother pull him out of bed.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he thought I had made too much of it.<\/p>\n
The questions came so quickly that I had to put the mug down.<\/p>\n
I was doing it again.<\/p>\n
I was trying to guess what he thought before he had even spoken to me.<\/p>\n
I was preparing myself to defend my feelings against arguments he hadn't made.<\/p>\n
It was tiring.<\/p>\n
I poured the coffee and sat at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
This was where we often ate breakfast together.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Jake would talk about his plans for the day while I listened.<\/p>\n
Sometimes we would discuss ordinary things, like what we needed from the store or what we wanted to have for dinner.<\/p>\n
I liked those mornings.<\/p>\n
I liked the sense that we were building a life through small, repeated moments.<\/p>\n
But I had begun to see how easily ordinary happiness could hide an imbalance.<\/p>\n
We could laugh together in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
We could make plans for the weekend.<\/p>\n
We could sit beside each other on the couch and feel close.<\/p>\n
Then Diane would call, and Jake would become someone else.<\/p>\n
Not a completely different person.<\/p>\n
That would have been easier to recognize.<\/p>\n
He would simply grow more careful.<\/p>\n
He would hesitate before answering me.<\/p>\n
He would explain his mother's behavior before acknowledging mine.<\/p>\n
He would ask me to be patient, and I would agree because I didn't want to be the reason he felt unhappy.<\/p>\n
It happened in little ways.<\/p>\n
That was why it had taken me so long to understand the pattern.<\/p>\n
I heard Jake coming downstairs.<\/p>\n
He entered the kitchen with his hair still untidy and his face drawn with tiredness.<\/p>\n
\u201cMorning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMorning.\u201d<\/p>\n
He opened a cupboard and took out a mug.<\/p>\n
I watched him pour coffee.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I hoped he would bring up the night before.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to say that he had thought about it.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to tell me he understood why I was hurt.<\/p>\n
Instead, he sat across from me and asked whether I had slept.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot much,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe neither.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a drink.<\/p>\n
We sat in silence.<\/p>\n
I could feel the conversation waiting between us.<\/p>\n
It would have been easy to ignore it.<\/p>\n
We could have discussed breakfast.<\/p>\n
We could have talked about the weather or the day ahead.<\/p>\n
We could have acted like a normal married couple until the memory became something we mentioned only when we were already angry about something else.<\/p>\n
I had done that before.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to do it again.<\/p>\n
\u201cJake, I don't want last night to become something we never discuss.\u201d<\/p>\n
He set his mug down.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm not trying to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen let's talk about it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom was upset,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
There it was again.<\/p>\n
His mother's feelings had become the center of the conversation before mine had even been mentioned.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know she was upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe feels like she doesn't see me enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe live in this house together. We are married. That doesn't mean you can't see your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are we talking as though I have done something to her?\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned back in his chair.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't say you had.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't have to say it directly. Every time she gets upset about our life, you come to me asking for patience.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down at the table.<\/p>\n
I could see him trying to follow what I was saying.<\/p>\n
I wasn't sure whether he agreed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you two to have a bad relationship,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why does it always turn into this?\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt the question land heavily.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I couldn't speak.<\/p>\n
Because it always turned into this.<\/p>\n
Because he had made the problem sound as though it belonged equally to both of us, even though I hadn't asked his mother to leave her own life behind.<\/p>\n
Because he kept treating her disapproval as something I needed to solve.<\/p>\n
I put my mug down.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you tell her she couldn't come into our bedroom like that again?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn't answer immediately.<\/p>\n
That was an answer of its own.<\/p>\n
\u201cJake?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her she shouldn't have come in while we were sleeping.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you tell her not to do it again?\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to have this conversation like she's some terrible person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't ask you to call her a terrible person.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's what it feels like you're asking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I'm asking you to set a boundary.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he understood the difference.<\/p>\n
I wasn't asking him to stop loving his mother.<\/p>\n
I wasn't asking him to punish her.<\/p>\n
I was asking him to make it clear that our marriage and our home were not open to her control.<\/p>\n
It seemed so basic.<\/p>\n
Yet we were sitting at the kitchen table, struggling to say it plainly.<\/p>\n
Jake took another drink of coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'll talk to her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
I hadn't intended to sound so firm.<\/p>\n
But once the question was out, I couldn't take it back.<\/p>\n
\u201cSoon,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
I nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
I had heard that word too many times.<\/p>\n
Soon could mean later that day.<\/p>\n
It could mean next week.<\/p>\n
It could mean after the next argument, when the original one had been buried under something new.<\/p>\n
I wasn't going to tell him what to do.<\/p>\n
I wasn't going to chase him around the house demanding proof.<\/p>\n
But I wasn't going to pretend a vague promise was the same as a decision.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He seemed relieved.<\/p>\n
That bothered me.<\/p>\n
He looked as though we had reached an agreement, while I felt that we had only stopped talking.<\/p>\n
I finished my coffee and took my mug to the sink.<\/p>\n
The ceramic touched the basin with a small, sharp sound.<\/p>\n
I rinsed it and set it on the rack.<\/p>\n
Then I turned back to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to know that I won't accept what happened last night as normal.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never said it was normal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn't have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
I left the kitchen before I could soften the words.<\/p>\n
I went upstairs to get ready for the day.<\/p>\n
I didn't slam the door.<\/p>\n
I didn't cry.<\/p>\n
I simply needed a few minutes without trying to make my feelings easier for him to hear.<\/p>\n
The house remained quiet around me.<\/p>\n
And as I stood in front of the closet, choosing what to wear, I realized something I hadn't been ready to admit the night before.<\/p>\n
I had spent so much time trying to preserve the peace in our home that I had forgotten peace was supposed to include me.<\/p>\n
I barely slept. Every time I drifted off, I remembered Diane standing beside the bed. I remembered the sudden light. The blanket pulled away. Jake sitting there with his pants … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39052,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39058","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39058","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39058"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39058\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39078,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39058\/revisions\/39078"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39052"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39058"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39058"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39058"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}