I didn't know how long I sat there.<\/p>\n
The clock on the bedside table kept moving, but I stopped checking it.<\/p>\n
I listened for Jake's footsteps.<\/p>\n
Every time I heard a sound downstairs, I lifted my head.<\/p>\n
Then nothing happened.<\/p>\n
I hated how quickly hope returned.<\/p>\n
I would tell myself I was done waiting, and the next moment I would imagine him coming through the door, apologizing for what had happened.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to say that his mother had gone too far.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to admit that he should never have let her stand over us like that.<\/p>\n
Mostly, I wanted him to understand without making me explain every part of it.<\/p>\n
That was probably unfair.<\/p>\n
Jake had spent years learning how to avoid difficult conversations. I had spent years helping him avoid them.<\/p>\n
Neither of us had become that way overnight.<\/p>\n
But I was tired of pretending I couldn't see the result.<\/p>\n
I stood and straightened the blanket again.<\/p>\n
One corner had slipped off the mattress.<\/p>\n
I pulled it back into place, then stopped myself from smoothing the whole thing.<\/p>\n
It didn't need to be perfect.<\/p>\n
Neither did I.<\/p>\n
That thought should have comforted me.<\/p>\n
Instead, it made me realize how often I had treated our marriage as something I could fix through small acts of patience.<\/p>\n
If Diane criticized me, I stayed polite.<\/p>\n
If Jake avoided taking a position, I tried to be understanding.<\/p>\n
If something hurt, I waited until the right moment to mention it.<\/p>\n
There was always another reason to wait.<\/p>\n
I could have a conversation with him when he wasn't tired.<\/p>\n
I could bring something up when his mother wasn't around.<\/p>\n
I could let a rude remark pass because everyone else seemed determined to enjoy the evening.<\/p>\n
The right moment never seemed to arrive.<\/p>\n
And I had become so accustomed to waiting that I barely noticed how much I was giving up.<\/p>\n
A sound came from the hallway.<\/p>\n
I turned toward the door.<\/p>\n
Jake appeared a few seconds later.<\/p>\n
He had changed his expression before entering the room. I could see it in the way he looked at me, careful and subdued, as though he was approaching a problem he hoped would not become larger.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost asked whether he was serious.<\/p>\n
Instead, I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I look okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
He glanced at the bed.<\/p>\n
Then at the chair.<\/p>\n
Then back at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
At least he hadn't lied.<\/p>\n
I waited for him to say something else.<\/p>\n
He walked farther into the room and sat on the edge of the mattress.<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I wanted to reach for his hand.<\/p>\n
The impulse came automatically, and that frightened me more than I expected.<\/p>\n
Even now, after everything, I wanted to reassure him that we could get through this.<\/p>\n
I wanted to make him feel less uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I kept my hands in my lap.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she want?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
Jake looked down.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat much was obvious.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his palms together.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe thinks things have changed between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThings have changed.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
I could tell he hadn't expected me to agree.<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe got married, Jake. We bought a house. We started living together. Of course things changed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not what she meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what did she mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn't answer.<\/p>\n
I watched his face, waiting for him to explain what his mother had said downstairs.<\/p>\n
He seemed to be searching for a version that wouldn't upset me.<\/p>\n
That, too, was familiar.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe's worried about me,\u201d he finally said.<\/p>\n
I looked away.<\/p>\n
I had heard those words before, although not always in that exact form.<\/p>\n
Diane worried about him when he spent time with me instead of her.<\/p>\n
She worried about him when we made decisions without asking her opinion.<\/p>\n
She worried about him whenever he did something that suggested his life no longer revolved around her.<\/p>\n
Perhaps she really was worried.<\/p>\n
I couldn't know what she felt.<\/p>\n
But I knew what she did with that feeling.<\/p>\n
She turned it into a reason to interfere.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what did you tell her?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
Jake shifted beside me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her we were fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
I didn't raise my voice.<\/p>\n
I didn't have to.<\/p>\n
He knew I wasn't asking about the house or our bills or whether we had argued that week.<\/p>\n
I was asking whether he believed we were fine after what had happened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want us fighting,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen can we please leave this alone tonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The familiar request.<\/p>\n
Let it go.<\/p>\n
Not because it had been resolved.<\/p>\n
Not because he had understood.<\/p>\n
Because continuing to talk about it would be uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I looked at the blanket between us.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother came into our bedroom and tried to take you away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wasn't trying to take me away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told you to get dressed and go home with her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that makes it different?\u201d<\/p>\n
He pressed his lips together.<\/p>\n
I could see that he wanted to disagree with me.<\/p>\n
I could also see that he didn't have a good answer.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I felt sorry for him.<\/p>\n
Then I felt angry with myself for feeling sorry so quickly.<\/p>\n
Jake was allowed to struggle with his mother's behavior.<\/p>\n
He was allowed to love her and find it difficult to confront her.<\/p>\n
But I was not required to make his struggle easier by pretending I hadn't been hurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to understand something,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI appreciate what your mother did when we bought this house.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have never denied that. I thanked her because I meant it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut she doesn't get to use that money to decide what happens between us.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes moved toward the door.<\/p>\n
I noticed.<\/p>\n
I had spent years noticing small things like that.<\/p>\n
The glance away.<\/p>\n
The tight jaw.<\/p>\n
The way he rubbed his hands when he wanted a conversation to end.<\/p>\n
I used to interpret those signs as proof that I should soften my words.<\/p>\n
That night, I forced myself to keep speaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is our home, Jake. Not hers.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe him.<\/p>\n
But knowing something and acting as though it mattered were different things.<\/p>\n
I had learned that distinction the hard way.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why didn't you tell her to leave?\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was already upset.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo was I.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn't answer.<\/p>\n
I felt the familiar ache in my chest, but this time I didn't rush to cover it with a joke or an apology.<\/p>\n
I let the silence remain.<\/p>\n
Jake eventually stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we should try to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know what else to say right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
For once, he sounded honest.<\/p>\n
I believed that he didn't know.<\/p>\n
What I couldn't decide was whether he intended to find out.<\/p>\n
He pulled back the blanket and lay down.<\/p>\n
I remained sitting for a moment before joining him.<\/p>\n
There was space between us.<\/p>\n
Not much.<\/p>\n
Enough.<\/p>\n
I turned off the lamp and lay on my side, facing away from him.<\/p>\n
The room was dark again.<\/p>\n
I heard him shift once, then settle.<\/p>\n
Neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I had spent the evening waiting for him to make me feel safe in a house we had bought together.<\/p>\n
He had returned without doing that.<\/p>\n
And I finally understood that his silence wasn't a problem I could solve for him.<\/p>\n
It was a choice he would have to examine himself.<\/p>\n
I didn't know how long I sat there. The clock on the bedside table kept moving, but I stopped checking it. I listened for Jake's footsteps. Every time I heard … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":39052,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-39057","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39057","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=39057"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39057\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":39077,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/39057\/revisions\/39077"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/39052"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=39057"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=39057"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=39057"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}