I used to think the hardest part of caring for someone was knowing what to do.<\/p>\n
By then, I was beginning to understand that the harder part was getting people to admit that something needed to be done.<\/p>\n
Thanksgiving was close.<\/p>\n
Brady continued speaking about the cruise as though everything had already been settled.<\/p>\n
He didn't seem to consider changing the plans.<\/p>\n
Whenever I asked about Victor, he repeated that his father would manage.<\/p>\n
I had stopped accepting that answer as reassurance.<\/p>\n
It sounded more like a way to end the conversation.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe Brady understood how serious his father's condition was.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe he had thought carefully about leaving.<\/p>\n
But wanting to believe something did not make it true.<\/p>\n
One evening, I asked him to sit down with me.<\/p>\n
I kept my voice calm because I didn't want the conversation to become another argument before it had even begun.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to talk about your father.\u201d<\/p>\n
Brady sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe've talked about him plenty.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let that pass.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm worried about how things are going to work while you're away.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me as though I had raised a problem that should have been obvious to everyone except me.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything is arranged.\u201d<\/p>\n
I asked what that meant.<\/p>\n
He said his father had what he needed.<\/p>\n
I asked whether anyone had gone through the financial statements with Victor.<\/p>\n
Brady's face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy does that have anything to do with Thanksgiving?\u201d<\/p>\n
Because it was part of the same problem.<\/p>\n
Victor was already uncertain about the people handling his affairs.<\/p>\n
He had raised questions about money.<\/p>\n
He had been told that his medication might be affecting his judgment.<\/p>\n
And now the family was preparing to leave him to manage a difficult holiday while he was seriously ill.<\/p>\n
I explained that I wasn't accusing anyone.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know that Victor had support and that his concerns weren't being ignored.<\/p>\n
Brady rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou keep acting like I'm doing something terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
I had spent years trying to make him feel understood.<\/p>\n
I had apologized when he became defensive.<\/p>\n
I had changed the way I spoke so he wouldn't hear criticism where I intended concern.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't make this conversation harmless without leaving Victor's needs out of it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm asking you to think about what your father needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe has people looking after him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen tell me what the plan is.\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn't answer immediately.<\/p>\n
The silence was brief, but I noticed it.<\/p>\n
For the first time, I wondered whether Brady had ever thought through the details beyond assuming that someone else would handle them.<\/p>\n
He finally said I was making too much of the situation.<\/p>\n
I didn't argue.<\/p>\n
There was nothing left to gain from repeating the same questions if he wasn't willing to answer them.<\/p>\n
I went to another room and sat down.<\/p>\n
My hands were shaking slightly.<\/p>\n
I was angry, but beneath the anger was something more painful.<\/p>\n
I was disappointed in the man I had married.<\/p>\n
I had known his weaknesses for years.<\/p>\n
I had accepted that he could be inconsiderate and stubborn.<\/p>\n
I had even convinced myself that those qualities would never outweigh his love for his family.<\/p>\n
Now I wasn't certain what his love required of him.<\/p>\n
The next day, I called Victor.<\/p>\n
He answered after a few rings.<\/p>\n
His voice sounded tired.<\/p>\n
I asked how he was doing.<\/p>\n
He told me he had been resting and was trying to keep his days simple.<\/p>\n
I asked whether he had any concerns about the coming holiday.<\/p>\n
He paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want everyone changing their plans because of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
That was exactly what I had feared he would say.<\/p>\n
He was thinking about the inconvenience his illness might cause other people instead of admitting what he needed.<\/p>\n
I told him that his health wasn't an inconvenience.<\/p>\n
He thanked me, then tried to move the conversation to something else.<\/p>\n
I let him.<\/p>\n
He deserved to talk about ordinary things without feeling that every conversation had to become a discussion about his illness.<\/p>\n
Before we hung up, I told him I would check on him again.<\/p>\n
He said he appreciated that.<\/p>\n
Afterward, I sat with my phone in my hand.<\/p>\n
I couldn't promise Victor that Brady would change his mind.<\/p>\n
I couldn't promise that Elaine would answer every question.<\/p>\n
I couldn't promise that the financial concerns would be resolved before Thanksgiving.<\/p>\n
But I could stop using those uncertainties as reasons to do nothing.<\/p>\n
I began to understand that supporting Victor would require more than sympathy.<\/p>\n
It would require patience.<\/p>\n
It would require listening when he struggled to explain himself.<\/p>\n
And it would require accepting that doing the right thing might make other people angry with me.<\/p>\n
I had spent a long time trying to avoid that last part.<\/p>\n
I was no longer sure I could afford to.<\/p>\n
I used to think the hardest part of caring for someone was knowing what to do. By then, I was beginning to understand that the harder part was getting people … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":38702,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-38715","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38715"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38735,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38715\/revisions\/38735"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/38702"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38715"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38715"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38715"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}