I used to think regret was something you felt about the past.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to understand that it could also change what you did next.<\/p>\n
Christmas had passed, but I couldn't put that evening away with the decorations.<\/p>\n
I kept thinking about Lauren's missed call.<\/p>\n
Not the message afterward.<\/p>\n
The call itself.<\/p>\n
There had been a moment when she decided to reach for me, and I hadn't been there to answer.<\/p>\n
I couldn't know exactly what she had wanted to say.<\/p>\n
That uncertainty bothered me more than I expected.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe she had only needed a little reassurance.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe the babies had settled quickly and that the night had turned out better than she feared.<\/p>\n
But those were hopes, not facts.<\/p>\n
I had spent enough time making assumptions.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to keep doing it.<\/p>\n
The next time I spoke with Lauren, I tried to listen more carefully.<\/p>\n
I didn't begin by asking about Cole.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask whether they had argued or whether he had apologized.<\/p>\n
I asked how she was doing.<\/p>\n
She gave me the answer I had heard from her for years.<\/p>\n
"I'm okay, Mom."<\/p>\n
There it was again.<\/p>\n
Two ordinary words.<\/p>\n
I almost accepted them automatically.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
"Are you really okay?"<\/p>\n
She was quiet for a moment.<\/p>\n
"I'm tired."<\/p>\n
It wasn't much of an answer, but it was more honest than the first one.<\/p>\n
I didn't rush to fill the silence.<\/p>\n
I had learned that I could make a conversation comfortable for myself by talking too much.<\/p>\n
I could offer explanations.<\/p>\n
I could tell her that all parents were tired.<\/p>\n
I could remind her that raising twins was difficult for everyone.<\/p>\n
None of those things would have helped her.<\/p>\n
So I waited.<\/p>\n
She told me that the babies had needed a lot of attention.<\/p>\n
She told me that caring for both of them when they were unwell had been exhausting.<\/p>\n
She didn't make a speech about Cole.<\/p>\n
She didn't have to.<\/p>\n
I could hear how much effort she had spent getting through the evening.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry you had to handle all of that by yourself," I said.<\/p>\n
She didn't immediately respond.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether my words had come too late to mean anything.<\/p>\n
Then she said, "I just needed someone there."<\/p>\n
That sentence stayed with me.<\/p>\n
Not someone to fix everything.<\/p>\n
Not someone to take over her life.<\/p>\n
Someone there.<\/p>\n
I thought about how easily I could have helped.<\/p>\n
I could have answered the phone.<\/p>\n
I could have returned the call.<\/p>\n
I could have asked her whether she wanted me to come over.<\/p>\n
Instead, I had let the evening continue without me.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry I missed your call," I told her.<\/p>\n
"I know you were busy."<\/p>\n
She said it gently.<\/p>\n
That made it harder.<\/p>\n
She wasn't trying to make me feel guilty.<\/p>\n
She was trying to make the situation easier for me, even then.<\/p>\n
I recognized that habit because I had seen it before.<\/p>\n
Lauren often made room for other people's reasons before she made room for her own feelings.<\/p>\n
I had praised her for being considerate.<\/p>\n
I had not always noticed when consideration became another way of keeping her needs quiet.<\/p>\n
"You can call me again," I said.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"And you don't have to tell me everything is fine if it isn't."<\/p>\n
There was another pause.<\/p>\n
"I wasn't trying to worry you."<\/p>\n
"I understand."<\/p>\n
I wanted to say more.<\/p>\n
I wanted to promise I would never miss another call.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't make a promise that depended on things I couldn't completely control.<\/p>\n
What I could promise was that I would make an effort to respond, and that I would take her seriously when she asked for help.<\/p>\n
So I told her that.<\/p>\n
She thanked me.<\/p>\n
We didn't solve anything that afternoon.<\/p>\n
The twins still needed care.<\/p>\n
Cole was still her husband.<\/p>\n
Their marriage was still theirs to navigate.<\/p>\n
But I felt that something small had shifted between us.<\/p>\n
For once, I hadn't tried to explain away her experience.<\/p>\n
I had listened.<\/p>\n
That evening, I thought again about the rolls I had left on the counter.<\/p>\n
They had been a small, ordinary detail in a night I had believed was ordinary.<\/p>\n
Now they reminded me how easily a person could become absorbed in the familiar tasks of her own life.<\/p>\n
I had been busy.<\/p>\n
I had been tired.<\/p>\n
I had been doing something useful.<\/p>\n
None of those things meant my daughter hadn't needed me.<\/p>\n
I couldn't change the first call.<\/p>\n
But I could change how I treated the next one.<\/p>\n
I used to think regret was something you felt about the past. I was beginning to understand that it could also change what you did next. Christmas had passed, but … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":38287,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-38292","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38292","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=38292"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38292\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":38312,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/38292\/revisions\/38312"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/38287"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=38292"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=38292"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=38292"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}