Waiting in the hospital felt different from waiting in the ambulance.<\/p>\n
In the ambulance, everything had been moving.<\/p>\n
The road had carried us forward.<\/p>\n
The siren had filled the space around us.<\/p>\n
The paramedic had stayed close to Maggie.<\/p>\n
There had been a destination.<\/p>\n
I had believed reaching that destination would make things clearer.<\/p>\n
Now we were inside the hospital.<\/p>\n
Maggie was still lying beneath the blanket.<\/p>\n
The oxygen mask still covered her face.<\/p>\n
Her eyes still struggled to remain open.<\/p>\n
And I was still waiting for someone to explain why.<\/p>\n
I sat beside her whenever there was room.<\/p>\n
I stood when the medical staff needed to work.<\/p>\n
I tried not to get in anyone's way.<\/p>\n
The blood sample had been taken.<\/p>\n
The doctors were reviewing her condition.<\/p>\n
I knew they were doing what needed to be done.<\/p>\n
But that didn't make the waiting comfortable.<\/p>\n
I watched Maggie's face.<\/p>\n
Her eyes were closed.<\/p>\n
I held her hand.<\/p>\n
The wedding ring rested beneath my thumb.<\/p>\n
I rubbed the same small circle over her knuckles.<\/p>\n
It was the one thing that seemed unchanged.<\/p>\n
I had been doing it in the ambulance.<\/p>\n
I was doing it now.<\/p>\n
I imagined I might still be doing it hours later.<\/p>\n
I didn't care.<\/p>\n
As long as I could hold her hand, I would.<\/p>\n
A nurse approached.<\/p>\n
She checked Maggie carefully.<\/p>\n
I moved aside.<\/p>\n
"Has anything changed?"<\/p>\n
The nurse answered calmly.<\/p>\n
"We're continuing to monitor her."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"All right."<\/p>\n
The nurse continued working.<\/p>\n
I watched her adjust the equipment.<\/p>\n
Maggie's eyelids moved.<\/p>\n
I leaned closer.<\/p>\n
"Sweetheart?"<\/p>\n
She opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Hello."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I could see the same exhaustion.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask whether she felt any better.<\/p>\n
The question rose automatically.<\/p>\n
I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
She couldn't answer easily.<\/p>\n
And her condition was being watched by people who could assess it properly.<\/p>\n
I didn't need to make her work just to reassure me.<\/p>\n
I lowered my voice.<\/p>\n
"You just rest."<\/p>\n
Her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her.<\/p>\n
The nurse finished and stepped away.<\/p>\n
I settled back into my chair.<\/p>\n
My legs felt heavy.<\/p>\n
I had been standing and sitting repeatedly.<\/p>\n
My back ached.<\/p>\n
I noticed these things without much interest.<\/p>\n
I couldn't make myself care about being comfortable while Maggie was so ill.<\/p>\n
But I knew I needed to remain steady.<\/p>\n
The hospital staff might ask me more questions.<\/p>\n
Maggie might open her eyes and look for me.<\/p>\n
I needed to be able to respond.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my face with my free hand.<\/p>\n
Then I looked toward the doorway.<\/p>\n
I wanted the doctor to return.<\/p>\n
I wanted someone to say they had found the problem.<\/p>\n
I wanted an explanation with a beginning and an end.<\/p>\n
But I knew illnesses didn't always present themselves that way.<\/p>\n
I had learned that simply by watching Maggie.<\/p>\n
Four days.<\/p>\n
Perhaps three.<\/p>\n
That was all I could say about how long she had been suffering.<\/p>\n
I had once imagined that serious illness would be obvious.<\/p>\n
That there would be a moment when everyone understood something was terribly wrong.<\/p>\n
But Maggie's condition had become serious while I was still struggling to understand it.<\/p>\n
Now I was sitting beside her, waiting for blood results.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether those results would tell the doctors exactly what had happened.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether they would show something unexpected.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether there were things about her condition that nobody had recognized yet.<\/p>\n
The questions made my stomach tighten.<\/p>\n
I looked at Maggie again.<\/p>\n
She had not moved.<\/p>\n
Her hand remained in mine.<\/p>\n
I reminded myself not to invent explanations.<\/p>\n
That was what I had promised myself.<\/p>\n
I would tell the doctors what I knew.<\/p>\n
I would listen to what they discovered.<\/p>\n
I would not pretend to understand things I didn't.<\/p>\n
I would not turn guesses into facts just because uncertainty frightened me.<\/p>\n
The nurse returned briefly.<\/p>\n
She checked Maggie's response.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, can you hear me?"<\/p>\n
Her eyelids lifted.<\/p>\n
The nurse spoke gently.<\/p>\n
Maggie looked toward her.<\/p>\n
Then her eyes moved in my direction.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"I'm here."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
The nurse finished checking her.<\/p>\n
Maggie's eyes closed again.<\/p>\n
I rubbed her hand.<\/p>\n
"That's all right, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
I looked toward the nurse.<\/p>\n
"She keeps looking for me."<\/p>\n
The nurse nodded.<\/p>\n
"She has been responding when we speak to her."<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
"She was doing that in the ambulance too."<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"She hasn't had much strength for anything else."<\/p>\n
The nurse listened.<\/p>\n
I appreciated that she didn't hurry away while I spoke.<\/p>\n
I didn't have anything more useful to add.<\/p>\n
I simply wanted someone to understand how difficult it was to watch.<\/p>\n
The nurse returned to her work.<\/p>\n
I looked back at Maggie.<\/p>\n
I thought about the years we had shared.<\/p>\n
I thought about all the times I had known what she was feeling just by looking at her.<\/p>\n
If she was worried, I could usually tell.<\/p>\n
If she was tired, I knew.<\/p>\n
If something was bothering her, I recognized the change in her voice.<\/p>\n
Now I couldn't tell what was happening inside her.<\/p>\n
That frightened me more than any unfamiliar medical word.<\/p>\n
I looked at her closed eyes.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to wake up and tell me what she had been going through.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to explain the missing days.<\/p>\n
I wanted to understand why she had become so weak.<\/p>\n
But I knew I couldn't expect those answers from her now.<\/p>\n
The blood tests might offer information.<\/p>\n
The doctors might find an explanation.<\/p>\n
Until then, the questions had to remain unanswered.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Maggie."<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened slightly.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"You know I'm here."<\/p>\n
She looked toward me.<\/p>\n
I gently squeezed her hand.<\/p>\n
"I love you."<\/p>\n
She held my gaze for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
The room continued around us.<\/p>\n
Footsteps passed outside.<\/p>\n
Equipment made quiet sounds.<\/p>\n
People spoke in low voices.<\/p>\n
The hospital was full of ordinary activity.<\/p>\n
But for me, everything remained centered on the woman lying beside me.<\/p>\n
I watched her breathe.<\/p>\n
I watched for her eyes to open.<\/p>\n
I watched the doorway, hoping the doctor would return.<\/p>\n
At one point, I realized I had been staring at the same spot for several minutes.<\/p>\n
I looked down at our hands.<\/p>\n
Her wedding ring was still there.<\/p>\n
I touched it gently.<\/p>\n
I thought about how strange it was that something so small could comfort me.<\/p>\n
A ring.<\/p>\n
A familiar hand.<\/p>\n
A movement of her eyelids.<\/p>\n
Those were the things I could still recognize.<\/p>\n
Everything else seemed uncertain.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether the blood results would bring relief.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether they would bring more questions.<\/p>\n
I tried not to imagine either outcome too strongly.<\/p>\n
I had already learned how painful it was to build hope around something I couldn't know.<\/p>\n
I had expected the ambulance to arrive and everything to become clear.<\/p>\n
It hadn't.<\/p>\n
I had expected the hospital staff to tell me quickly what was wrong.<\/p>\n
They couldn't yet.<\/p>\n
Now I was waiting for test results.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to turn those results into another promise I had made to myself.<\/p>\n
I wanted the truth.<\/p>\n
Whatever the truth was.<\/p>\n
That thought frightened me.<\/p>\n
I looked at Maggie.<\/p>\n
I wasn't sure I was ready to hear something terrible.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't help her by refusing to understand what the doctors found.<\/p>\n
I had to listen.<\/p>\n
I had to ask questions when I didn't understand.<\/p>\n
And I had to be honest about what I knew.<\/p>\n
The same three or four days were still missing from my understanding.<\/p>\n
I couldn't recover them by sitting there blaming myself.<\/p>\n
I couldn't ask Maggie to explain them while she was so exhausted.<\/p>\n
I could only wait for the information the doctors were gathering.<\/p>\n
I moved my chair slightly closer.<\/p>\n
I took her hand again.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my thumb across her knuckles.<\/p>\n
The familiar circle.<\/p>\n
The same quiet movement that had carried me through the ambulance ride.<\/p>\n
Maggie's eyes opened.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hello, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"I'm right here."<\/p>\n
She watched me for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then she closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her.<\/p>\n
The blood results had not yet given us an answer.<\/p>\n
The doctors were still working.<\/p>\n
Maggie was still seriously weak.<\/p>\n
And I still didn't know why.<\/p>\n
But I knew that when the doctor returned, I needed to hear what the tests actually showed.<\/p>\n
Not what I feared.<\/p>\n
Not what I hoped.<\/p>\n
The truth.<\/p>\n
I held Maggie's hand and waited.<\/p>\n
Waiting in the hospital felt different from waiting in the ambulance. In the ambulance, everything had been moving. The road had carried us forward. The siren had filled the space … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37536","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37536","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37536"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37536\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37556,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37536\/revisions\/37556"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37536"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37536"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37536"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}