The hospital was all I could think about.<\/p>\n
I wanted us to reach it.<\/p>\n
I wanted someone to take Maggie into a place where more people could help her.<\/p>\n
I wanted answers.<\/p>\n
Most of all, I wanted her to stop looking so weak.<\/p>\n
I sat beside the stretcher and watched the oxygen mask move with her breathing.<\/p>\n
The paramedic remained near her.<\/p>\n
I had begun to recognize the sounds of the equipment he was using.<\/p>\n
I still didn't understand everything he checked.<\/p>\n
But I understood that he was watching her closely.<\/p>\n
That gave me something to hold on to.<\/p>\n
The ambulance moved steadily.<\/p>\n
I couldn't see much beyond the interior.<\/p>\n
I had no idea exactly how far we were from the hospital.<\/p>\n
I considered asking.<\/p>\n
Then I decided not to.<\/p>\n
Knowing the distance wouldn't make Maggie stronger.<\/p>\n
It wouldn't make the road shorter.<\/p>\n
I looked at her hand.<\/p>\n
Her wedding ring rested against my finger.<\/p>\n
I gently moved my thumb across her knuckles.<\/p>\n
The little circle had become the one familiar thing I could keep doing.<\/p>\n
Everything else was beyond my control.<\/p>\n
Maggie's eyes opened.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hello, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked toward me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Still here."<\/p>\n
She held my gaze.<\/p>\n
I could see how tired she was.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her anything.<\/p>\n
I waited until she closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
Then I sat back.<\/p>\n
I had become used to those short moments of recognition.<\/p>\n
But I hadn't stopped feeling relieved each time they happened.<\/p>\n
Every glance reminded me that she was still aware of my presence.<\/p>\n
At least for those brief seconds.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe that meant something good.<\/p>\n
I knew it didn't answer the larger questions.<\/p>\n
She was still seriously unwell.<\/p>\n
She still needed oxygen.<\/p>\n
She still couldn't speak to me properly.<\/p>\n
But she could find my face.<\/p>\n
That was enough to make me grateful.<\/p>\n
The paramedic checked her condition again.<\/p>\n
I watched quietly.<\/p>\n
He adjusted the oxygen mask.<\/p>\n
I moved slightly to give him room.<\/p>\n
There had been a time earlier in the ride when I wanted an explanation for everything he touched.<\/p>\n
Now I tried to let him work.<\/p>\n
I knew I could ask questions when necessary.<\/p>\n
But I also knew that my fear didn't need to interrupt every moment.<\/p>\n
The paramedic looked toward me.<\/p>\n
"Do you have any information you haven't told us?"<\/p>\n
I thought carefully.<\/p>\n
I wanted to help.<\/p>\n
I wanted to give him something new.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't invent details.<\/p>\n
"Nothing I'm sure about."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
"She's been like this for days."<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"Three. Maybe four."<\/p>\n
He acknowledged the answer.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my forehead with my free hand.<\/p>\n
"I wish I knew more."<\/p>\n
He continued checking Maggie.<\/p>\n
I looked at her face.<\/p>\n
Her eyes were closed.<\/p>\n
I couldn't tell whether she had heard what I said.<\/p>\n
I hoped she hadn't taken it as criticism.<\/p>\n
She hadn't done anything wrong by becoming ill.<\/p>\n
She hadn't failed because she couldn't explain what was happening.<\/p>\n
I leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"You don't need to worry about any of that."<\/p>\n
She remained quiet.<\/p>\n
"I'll tell them what I can."<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
That was the truth.<\/p>\n
When the doctors asked questions, I would answer as honestly as possible.<\/p>\n
If I didn't know something, I would say so.<\/p>\n
If I wasn't certain, I wouldn't pretend.<\/p>\n
I wanted Maggie to receive help based on what was true.<\/p>\n
Not on what I wished I understood.<\/p>\n
The ambulance shifted beneath us.<\/p>\n
I steadied myself.<\/p>\n
The paramedic checked her once more.<\/p>\n
I watched him lean toward her.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, can you hear me?"<\/p>\n
Her eyelids lifted.<\/p>\n
He spoke calmly.<\/p>\n
She looked toward him.<\/p>\n
Then she turned her eyes toward me.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hi."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
Her eyes closed again.<\/p>\n
I didn't feel the same urge to make her keep them open.<\/p>\n
I knew how exhausting it was for her.<\/p>\n
I had watched her try throughout the ride.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to understand that I couldn't measure her condition by how much she could reassure me.<\/p>\n
That wasn't fair to her.<\/p>\n
She needed to rest.<\/p>\n
She needed medical attention.<\/p>\n
And she needed someone beside her who wasn't constantly asking her to prove she was listening.<\/p>\n
I held her hand.<\/p>\n
I thought about what would happen when we reached the hospital.<\/p>\n
Someone would need information.<\/p>\n
Someone would ask questions.<\/p>\n
Someone would examine her.<\/p>\n
I hoped they would tell me what was wrong.<\/p>\n
I hoped they would know how to help.<\/p>\n
But I also knew that arriving wouldn't suddenly erase everything that frightened me.<\/p>\n
Maggie would still be ill.<\/p>\n
The missing days would still need explaining.<\/p>\n
The questions I couldn't answer would still exist.<\/p>\n
I had been thinking of the hospital as the end of the frightening part.<\/p>\n
Now I understood it was only the next place where people would try to help her.<\/p>\n
That realization made my stomach tighten.<\/p>\n
I had wanted the ambulance ride to finish because I thought everything would become easier.<\/p>\n
Perhaps it would.<\/p>\n
Perhaps the doctors would find answers quickly.<\/p>\n
Perhaps Maggie would begin feeling better.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't know.<\/p>\n
And I had to stop making promises inside my own head.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He was still attending to her.<\/p>\n
I felt grateful for his steady presence.<\/p>\n
There were things he understood that I didn't.<\/p>\n
There would be people at the hospital who understood even more.<\/p>\n
I needed to trust them enough to let them do their work.<\/p>\n
That didn't mean I would stop asking questions.<\/p>\n
It didn't mean I would stop worrying.<\/p>\n
It meant I could recognize when someone else had the knowledge Maggie needed.<\/p>\n
I looked at her again.<\/p>\n
I remembered how she had looked when I first sat beside her in the ambulance.<\/p>\n
The pale face.<\/p>\n
The oxygen mask.<\/p>\n
The weakness in her fingers.<\/p>\n
The way her eyes struggled to remain open.<\/p>\n
Those things hadn't disappeared.<\/p>\n
I wished they had.<\/p>\n
But I was no longer fighting every moment as though I could force it to become different.<\/p>\n
I was holding her hand.<\/p>\n
I was watching her breathe.<\/p>\n
I was waiting for the next step.<\/p>\n
Maggie's eyes opened once more.<\/p>\n
I leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"Hey, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I saw recognition in her eyes.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell her that everything would be fine.<\/p>\n
The words almost came out.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
I didn't know what was going to happen.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to promise something I couldn't guarantee.<\/p>\n
So I told her the truth.<\/p>\n
"I love you."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
"I'm staying with you."<\/p>\n
Her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I continued holding her hand.<\/p>\n
The paramedic checked her again.<\/p>\n
The ambulance kept moving.<\/p>\n
I looked down at her wedding ring.<\/p>\n
I rubbed the familiar circle over her knuckles.<\/p>\n
I thought about all the ordinary years we had shared.<\/p>\n
The conversations I hadn't paid much attention to.<\/p>\n
The times we had reached for each other's hands without thinking.<\/p>\n
The small moments that had made our marriage feel like home.<\/p>\n
I wanted more of those moments.<\/p>\n
I wanted Maggie to get another ordinary morning.<\/p>\n
I wanted to hear her voice again.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to look at me without that terrible exhaustion in her eyes.<\/p>\n
I wanted so many things.<\/p>\n
But wanting didn't make them happen.<\/p>\n
For now, the only thing I could do was remain beside her.<\/p>\n
I kept my hand around hers.<\/p>\n
I watched her breathing beneath the oxygen mask.<\/p>\n
And as the ambulance carried us toward the hospital, I understood that reaching it would not be the end of our fear.<\/p>\n
It would be the beginning of finding out what had happened to Maggie.<\/p>\n
The hospital was all I could think about. I wanted us to reach it. I wanted someone to take Maggie into a place where more people could help her. I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37532","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37532","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37532"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37532\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37552,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37532\/revisions\/37552"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37532"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37532"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37532"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}