I didn't know how much longer the ride would last.<\/p>\n
I had lost any reliable sense of time.<\/p>\n
Every minute seemed to stretch.<\/p>\n
Then several minutes would pass without my realizing it.<\/p>\n
I sat beside Maggie with my hand around hers.<\/p>\n
The paramedic remained close to the stretcher.<\/p>\n
He checked her breathing.<\/p>\n
He watched the equipment.<\/p>\n
He spoke to her when he needed a response.<\/p>\n
I had become familiar with the rhythm of his work.<\/p>\n
At first, every movement had frightened me.<\/p>\n
I thought each adjustment meant something had gone wrong.<\/p>\n
Now I understood that he was monitoring her carefully.<\/p>\n
That didn't mean my fear had disappeared.<\/p>\n
It meant I had stopped treating every ordinary check as a disaster.<\/p>\n
Maggie opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"Hello, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her to speak.<\/p>\n
She held my gaze briefly.<\/p>\n
Then her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her.<\/p>\n
The paramedic adjusted something near the stretcher.<\/p>\n
I moved back to give him room.<\/p>\n
He checked her again.<\/p>\n
I watched his hands.<\/p>\n
They moved carefully.<\/p>\n
Nothing about his manner suggested that he was ignoring how seriously ill she was.<\/p>\n
He seemed focused.<\/p>\n
That mattered to me.<\/p>\n
I didn't need him to pretend nothing was wrong.<\/p>\n
I needed him to pay attention.<\/p>\n
And he was doing that.<\/p>\n
I looked at Maggie.<\/p>\n
Her breathing continued beneath the mask.<\/p>\n
I could see the familiar shape of her forehead.<\/p>\n
I could see the hair resting near her cheek.<\/p>\n
I wanted to smooth it away from her face.<\/p>\n
I hesitated because I didn't want to disturb anything.<\/p>\n
Then I gently moved a small strand away.<\/p>\n
Her eyes stayed closed.<\/p>\n
It was such a simple movement.<\/p>\n
One I had made before without thinking.<\/p>\n
But inside the ambulance, it felt important.<\/p>\n
I wanted Maggie to be comfortable.<\/p>\n
I wanted to do something kind for her.<\/p>\n
I couldn't do what the paramedic was doing.<\/p>\n
I couldn't understand the readings.<\/p>\n
I couldn't decide what medical care she needed.<\/p>\n
But I could make sure her hair wasn't resting awkwardly against her face.<\/p>\n
I could keep holding her hand.<\/p>\n
I could speak gently whenever she looked for me.<\/p>\n
For the first time during the ride, those small things didn't seem completely useless.<\/p>\n
The paramedic glanced toward me.<\/p>\n
"You're staying with her."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
I looked at Maggie.<\/p>\n
"Where else would I be?"<\/p>\n
He didn't answer.<\/p>\n
He didn't need to.<\/p>\n
I knew my question hadn't really been meant for him.<\/p>\n
It was something I needed to hear myself say.<\/p>\n
There had been a moment earlier when I felt so helpless that I wondered whether my presence mattered at all.<\/p>\n
The paramedic had the equipment.<\/p>\n
He had the training.<\/p>\n
He knew what needed to be checked.<\/p>\n
I was only sitting there.<\/p>\n
But Maggie kept opening her eyes and finding my face.<\/p>\n
That had to matter.<\/p>\n
I hoped it did.<\/p>\n
The ambulance moved over another uneven stretch of road.<\/p>\n
I steadied myself.<\/p>\n
Maggie's hand shifted slightly in mine.<\/p>\n
I leaned closer.<\/p>\n
"Are you awake, sweetheart?"<\/p>\n
Her eyelids moved.<\/p>\n
I regretted asking almost immediately.<\/p>\n
I had promised myself I wouldn't keep testing her.<\/p>\n
I lowered my voice.<\/p>\n
"Never mind."<\/p>\n
She opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"There you are."<\/p>\n
She looked toward me.<\/p>\n
I stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
After a few seconds, her eyes closed again.<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
It was difficult to stop asking questions.<\/p>\n
I had spent our marriage talking to Maggie whenever something worried me.<\/p>\n
She was the person I turned to.<\/p>\n
If I didn't understand something, I told her.<\/p>\n
If I was afraid, I told her.<\/p>\n
If something happened that I couldn't explain, she was the person I wanted beside me while I tried to make sense of it.<\/p>\n
Now the thing frightening me most was happening to her.<\/p>\n
And I couldn't ask her to help me understand it.<\/p>\n
That left a terrible emptiness.<\/p>\n
I looked at the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He was still working.<\/p>\n
I considered telling him how frightened I felt.<\/p>\n
Then I realized he already knew.<\/p>\n
He had heard my questions.<\/p>\n
He had watched me lean forward every time Maggie moved.<\/p>\n
He had seen my hand trembling.<\/p>\n
I didn't need to explain my fear to him.<\/p>\n
I needed to stay calm enough to let him do his job.<\/p>\n
I took a careful breath.<\/p>\n
Then I looked toward Maggie again.<\/p>\n
The paramedic spoke.<\/p>\n
"Sir, make sure you stay seated."<\/p>\n
I realized I had leaned too far forward.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
I settled back.<\/p>\n
He continued attending to her.<\/p>\n
I felt embarrassed for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then I let it go.<\/p>\n
I wasn't helping Maggie by worrying about every awkward movement I made.<\/p>\n
I had enough to think about already.<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued.<\/p>\n
I listened to the siren.<\/p>\n
I watched the paramedic check her condition again.<\/p>\n
I noticed the steady way he spoke.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, I'm going to check you."<\/p>\n
She opened her eyes slightly.<\/p>\n
He explained what he was doing.<\/p>\n
His voice didn't rise.<\/p>\n
He didn't sound impatient.<\/p>\n
I wanted to speak that way.<\/p>\n
I wanted Maggie to hear calmness from me.<\/p>\n
So when I leaned toward her again, I kept my voice low.<\/p>\n
"You're being taken care of."<\/p>\n
Her eyes moved toward me.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"I'm here too."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
Then she rested.<\/p>\n
I didn't try to keep her awake.<\/p>\n
I looked at our hands.<\/p>\n
Her ring was still against my thumb.<\/p>\n
I traced the familiar circle over her knuckles.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether she recognized the movement.<\/p>\n
I hoped she did.<\/p>\n
I knew she couldn't tell me.<\/p>\n
That uncertainty had become part of everything.<\/p>\n
I hoped she heard me.<\/p>\n
I hoped she knew where we were.<\/p>\n
I hoped she understood that someone was helping her.<\/p>\n
I hoped she wasn't frightened.<\/p>\n
There were so many things I couldn't know.<\/p>\n
But I did know she wasn't alone.<\/p>\n
That was one thing I could be certain about.<\/p>\n
The paramedic checked her again.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Thank you for being patient with me."<\/p>\n
He glanced up.<\/p>\n
"You're worried about your wife."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Very."<\/p>\n
He returned to his work.<\/p>\n
I looked at Maggie.<\/p>\n
I had said it aloud.<\/p>\n
Very worried.<\/p>\n
There was no reason to pretend otherwise.<\/p>\n
I was frightened because the woman I loved was seriously ill.<\/p>\n
I was frightened because I didn't understand why.<\/p>\n
I was frightened because I couldn't make her better.<\/p>\n
Those feelings didn't make me less useful.<\/p>\n
They simply made it harder to think.<\/p>\n
I tried to focus on what mattered.<\/p>\n
Answer questions truthfully.<\/p>\n
Stay out of the paramedic's way.<\/p>\n
Keep my voice gentle.<\/p>\n
Remain beside Maggie.<\/p>\n
I could manage those things.<\/p>\n
I adjusted my position.<\/p>\n
I looked at her face.<\/p>\n
Her eyes were closed again.<\/p>\n
I didn't call her name.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her to open them.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my thumb across her hand.<\/p>\n
The paramedic continued watching her.<\/p>\n
The vehicle continued toward the hospital.<\/p>\n
And I stayed beside the woman who had always been the person I turned to when I was afraid.<\/p>\n
This time, she couldn't help me carry that fear.<\/p>\n
So I carried it quietly while holding her hand.<\/p>\n
I didn't know how much longer the ride would last. I had lost any reliable sense of time. Every minute seemed to stretch. Then several minutes would pass without my … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37531","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37531","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37531"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37531\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37551,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37531\/revisions\/37551"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37531"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37531"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37531"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}