The number wouldn't leave my mind.<\/p>\n
Three days.<\/p>\n
Possibly four.<\/p>\n
I had given that answer so many times that it no longer sounded like a guess.<\/p>\n
It sounded like something written down and made permanent.<\/p>\n
I wished I could take it back and replace it with something exact.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell the doctors precisely when Maggie had become ill.<\/p>\n
I wanted to explain how her symptoms had changed.<\/p>\n
I wanted to describe what had led us to this ambulance.<\/p>\n
But every time I tried to organize my thoughts, I came back to the same uncertainty.<\/p>\n
I hadn't understood enough.<\/p>\n
And Maggie was too exhausted to explain anything now.<\/p>\n
I looked at her lying beside me.<\/p>\n
Her eyes were closed.<\/p>\n
Her breathing continued beneath the oxygen mask.<\/p>\n
I watched the faint movement of her hand.<\/p>\n
I could see her wedding ring.<\/p>\n
I could see the familiar lines across her knuckles.<\/p>\n
Nothing about those details seemed unusual.<\/p>\n
But her stillness was something I couldn't get used to.<\/p>\n
I leaned a little closer.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
Her eyelids moved.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
She opened her eyes slightly.<\/p>\n
I had a question ready.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask when she first began feeling this weak.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask whether she remembered exactly what had happened.<\/p>\n
But then she looked at me.<\/p>\n
There was so little strength in that glance.<\/p>\n
I couldn't bring myself to ask.<\/p>\n
Instead, I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Don't worry about anything."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
"I'll tell them what I know."<\/p>\n
Her eyes closed again.<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
The promise frightened me because what I knew seemed so small.<\/p>\n
I knew she had been unwell for days.<\/p>\n
I knew she had become terribly weak.<\/p>\n
I knew she was struggling to remain awake.<\/p>\n
I knew that when someone spoke, she sometimes opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I knew she recognized my face, or at least seemed to.<\/p>\n
Beyond those things, I had questions.<\/p>\n
So many questions.<\/p>\n
The paramedic checked the equipment again.<\/p>\n
I glanced toward him.<\/p>\n
"Can I tell you something?"<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
I hesitated.<\/p>\n
"I keep thinking I should have noticed sooner how bad this was."<\/p>\n
He listened without interrupting.<\/p>\n
"I've been sitting here trying to remember every little thing."<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"But I can't make the days fit together."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"It's useful to tell the hospital team what you do know."<\/p>\n
I looked down at Maggie.<\/p>\n
"What if it isn't enough?"<\/p>\n
He answered calmly.<\/p>\n
"They'll assess her condition and ask questions as needed."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
That was reasonable.<\/p>\n
I knew it was reasonable.<\/p>\n
But my thoughts weren't reasonable anymore.<\/p>\n
I wanted to arrive with a complete explanation.<\/p>\n
I wanted to walk through the hospital doors and tell someone exactly what was wrong.<\/p>\n
I wanted to make their job easier so they could help Maggie faster.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't manufacture information I didn't have.<\/p>\n
I rubbed her hand gently.<\/p>\n
"I wish you could tell me."<\/p>\n
Her eyes stayed closed.<\/p>\n
I regretted the words immediately.<\/p>\n
She didn't need to hear another reminder of what she couldn't do.<\/p>\n
I leaned closer.<\/p>\n
"Never mind, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
I lowered my voice.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to."<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued moving.<\/p>\n
I could feel the road beneath the wheels.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the paramedic again.<\/p>\n
He was watching her carefully.<\/p>\n
There was something comforting about the attention he gave her.<\/p>\n
He wasn't distracted by my questions.<\/p>\n
He didn't seem annoyed by my uncertainty.<\/p>\n
He simply continued doing what he had been trained to do.<\/p>\n
I tried to learn from that.<\/p>\n
There was nothing useful in blaming myself repeatedly while he worked.<\/p>\n
I could answer questions.<\/p>\n
I could stay calm enough to listen.<\/p>\n
I could make sure the people caring for Maggie knew the few things I understood.<\/p>\n
That was better than sitting there inventing explanations.<\/p>\n
I looked at her again.<\/p>\n
Her eyelids lifted.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hi."<\/p>\n
She looked toward me.<\/p>\n
For a second, the ambulance felt less frightening.<\/p>\n
I could see her eyes.<\/p>\n
I could see that she knew where my voice was coming from.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"You're not alone."<\/p>\n
She held my gaze briefly.<\/p>\n
Then her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I kept holding her hand.<\/p>\n
The paramedic adjusted the blanket near her side.<\/p>\n
I moved aside.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
"You're fine."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
I had heard those words before during the ride.<\/p>\n
You're fine.<\/p>\n
They were ordinary words.<\/p>\n
But they were difficult for me to believe.<\/p>\n
I wasn't fine.<\/p>\n
I was frightened.<\/p>\n
I was ashamed.<\/p>\n
I felt as though every question exposed something I should have known.<\/p>\n
And beneath all of that, I loved Maggie so much that watching her suffer seemed unbearable.<\/p>\n
I looked at the wedding ring on her finger.<\/p>\n
There was something painful about realizing how little control marriage gave me over this moment.<\/p>\n
We had shared a life.<\/p>\n
We had learned each other's habits.<\/p>\n
We knew each other's voices and expressions.<\/p>\n
But none of that meant I could stop her from becoming ill.<\/p>\n
None of it meant I could tell a doctor exactly what was happening inside her body.<\/p>\n
Love had taught me many things about Maggie.<\/p>\n
It hadn't taught me how to treat her when she was dangerously weak.<\/p>\n
I had to accept that.<\/p>\n
The paramedic leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, can you open your eyes?"<\/p>\n
She did.<\/p>\n
He spoke to her gently.<\/p>\n
I watched without interrupting.<\/p>\n
When he finished, I leaned closer.<\/p>\n
"Good, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I stopped myself before I said more.<\/p>\n
I didn't need to praise every small movement.<\/p>\n
I didn't need to fill every second.<\/p>\n
She was trying hard enough.<\/p>\n
I let her rest.<\/p>\n
The siren continued sounding outside.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether we were close to the hospital.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask.<\/p>\n
The paramedic had enough to do.<\/p>\n
And I knew the answer wouldn't change how quickly the ambulance was moving.<\/p>\n
I watched the familiar ring on Maggie's hand.<\/p>\n
I thought again about those missing days.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know what she had felt.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether she had been frightened.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether there had been a moment when someone could have understood how serious her condition was.<\/p>\n
Those questions mattered.<\/p>\n
But they didn't have to be answered in the ambulance.<\/p>\n
Maggie needed care now.<\/p>\n
I needed to remember that.<\/p>\n
The past was troubling me because I couldn't change it.<\/p>\n
The present frightened me because I couldn't control it.<\/p>\n
I sat quietly for a while.<\/p>\n
Then I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Maggie."<\/p>\n
Her eyes didn't open.<\/p>\n
I squeezed her fingers gently.<\/p>\n
"I love you."<\/p>\n
I didn't wait for an answer.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her to prove she heard me.<\/p>\n
I simply let the words rest between us.<\/p>\n
I had said them thousands of times before.<\/p>\n
Sometimes quickly.<\/p>\n
Sometimes without much thought.<\/p>\n
Sometimes while one of us was leaving a room.<\/p>\n
Now every word felt deliberate.<\/p>\n
I meant them as much as I ever had.<\/p>\n
Perhaps more.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He continued monitoring her.<\/p>\n
I realized that when the doctors asked about those missing days, I would have to tell them the truth.<\/p>\n
Not a polished version.<\/p>\n
Not an answer designed to make me look more attentive.<\/p>\n
The truth.<\/p>\n
She had been unwell for three or four days.<\/p>\n
I didn't know exactly when it began.<\/p>\n
I didn't know why she had become so weak.<\/p>\n
And I needed their help.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my thumb over Maggie's knuckles.<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued toward the hospital.<\/p>\n
I still wanted the missing days explained.<\/p>\n
But I stopped trying to make my wife explain them while she was struggling to keep her eyes open.<\/p>\n
The number wouldn't leave my mind. Three days. Possibly four. I had given that answer so many times that it no longer sounded like a guess. It sounded like something … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37530"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37530\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37550,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37530\/revisions\/37550"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}