I kept my fingers wrapped around Maggie's hand.<\/p>\n
Her wedding ring rested against my thumb.<\/p>\n
I rubbed the same small circle over her knuckles that I had been making throughout the ride.<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued moving.<\/p>\n
The siren sounded somewhere beyond the walls.<\/p>\n
I could hear the paramedic working beside her.<\/p>\n
But I wasn't watching every movement of his hands anymore.<\/p>\n
I was watching Maggie.<\/p>\n
Her eyes were closed.<\/p>\n
The oxygen mask covered most of her face.<\/p>\n
I could see the faint movement that came with each breath.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell her something comforting.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, I couldn't think of anything new to say.<\/p>\n
I had already told her I loved her.<\/p>\n
I had already promised to stay beside her.<\/p>\n
I had told her she didn't need to answer my questions.<\/p>\n
Those were the only promises I knew I could keep.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward slightly.<\/p>\n
"I'm still here, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
Her eyelids didn't move.<\/p>\n
I didn't take that as a bad sign.<\/p>\n
The paramedic had explained that she was responding.<\/p>\n
I had seen her open her eyes several times.<\/p>\n
I knew how much effort it seemed to cost her.<\/p>\n
So I waited.<\/p>\n
The vehicle shifted beneath us.<\/p>\n
I steadied myself with my free hand.<\/p>\n
Maggie's fingers moved slightly inside mine.<\/p>\n
I looked at her face.<\/p>\n
"Maggie?"<\/p>\n
Her eyes remained closed.<\/p>\n
I had to stop myself from saying her name again.<\/p>\n
It was becoming a habit.<\/p>\n
Every time I noticed the smallest movement, I wanted reassurance.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to open her eyes.<\/p>\n
I wanted proof that she could still hear me.<\/p>\n
But I had begun to understand that my need for reassurance was not the same as her need for rest.<\/p>\n
I loosened my grip a little.<\/p>\n
I hadn't realized how tightly I was holding her.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry."<\/p>\n
The words came quietly.<\/p>\n
I didn't know whether she heard them.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He was checking her condition again.<\/p>\n
I moved my knee aside to give him more room.<\/p>\n
He leaned closer to the stretcher.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, I'm checking your breathing."<\/p>\n
Her eyelids fluttered.<\/p>\n
I watched her respond to his voice.<\/p>\n
He continued speaking calmly.<\/p>\n
I noticed that he didn't demand more than she could manage.<\/p>\n
He asked for what he needed.<\/p>\n
Then he let her rest.<\/p>\n
It seemed so simple when he did it.<\/p>\n
I wished I had understood sooner.<\/p>\n
For most of the ride, I had been searching her face for answers.<\/p>\n
I had wanted a word.<\/p>\n
A squeeze of the hand.<\/p>\n
Something familiar enough to make me believe she would be all right.<\/p>\n
Now I could see that even those small things required effort.<\/p>\n
And I didn't want to take that effort from her just to make myself feel better.<\/p>\n
The paramedic finished his check.<\/p>\n
I leaned closer to Maggie.<\/p>\n
"You don't need to do anything for me."<\/p>\n
I looked at her closed eyes.<\/p>\n
"Just let them take care of you."<\/p>\n
She remained quiet.<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
The ambulance seemed very small.<\/p>\n
My shoulders ached from leaning forward.<\/p>\n
My mouth was dry.<\/p>\n
I could feel the tension in my neck whenever I turned my head.<\/p>\n
I hadn't thought about my own body for a long time.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to think about it now.<\/p>\n
Maggie was the one who needed attention.<\/p>\n
But I realized that I was making myself more frightened by watching every second as though something terrible would happen if I blinked.<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
Then I looked at her again.<\/p>\n
She was still breathing beneath the mask.<\/p>\n
The paramedic was still beside her.<\/p>\n
We were still on our way to the hospital.<\/p>\n
Those were the things I knew.<\/p>\n
I tried to stay with what I knew.<\/p>\n
Not with everything I feared.<\/p>\n
Not with everything I imagined might happen.<\/p>\n
Just what was directly in front of me.<\/p>\n
The paramedic looked toward me.<\/p>\n
"Are you comfortable sitting there?"<\/p>\n
I almost told him the truth.<\/p>\n
My back hurt.<\/p>\n
My legs were stiff.<\/p>\n
My hand was beginning to ache.<\/p>\n
But none of those things mattered enough to complain about.<\/p>\n
"I'm fine."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I adjusted my position without letting go of Maggie.<\/p>\n
There was a time when she would have noticed immediately that I was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
She would have told me to sit properly.<\/p>\n
She might have laughed at the awkward way I was holding myself.<\/p>\n
I missed that ordinary concern.<\/p>\n
I missed having someone beside me who noticed small things before I said anything.<\/p>\n
I looked at her hand.<\/p>\n
I remembered how often she had reached for mine without needing a reason.<\/p>\n
Sometimes we would sit together without talking.<\/p>\n
Neither of us felt the need to fill every quiet moment.<\/p>\n
I had forgotten that silence could be comfortable.<\/p>\n
The silence inside the ambulance wasn't comfortable.<\/p>\n
It was frightening.<\/p>\n
But I realized I didn't need to fight it with words.<\/p>\n
I could sit beside Maggie the way I had sat beside her so many times before.<\/p>\n
I could be present.<\/p>\n
I could let her know she wasn't alone.<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hello."<\/p>\n
She looked toward my face.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask whether she could hear me.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask whether she was feeling better.<\/p>\n
I simply held her hand.<\/p>\n
Her eyes stayed open for a few seconds.<\/p>\n
Then they closed.<\/p>\n
I remained where I was.<\/p>\n
I felt disappointed.<\/p>\n
I couldn't help it.<\/p>\n
Every time she opened her eyes, some foolish part of me hoped she would suddenly become herself again.<\/p>\n
I imagined her speaking clearly.<\/p>\n
I imagined her asking why everyone was making such a fuss.<\/p>\n
I imagined the oxygen mask being removed because she no longer needed it.<\/p>\n
None of those things happened.<\/p>\n
She simply rested.<\/p>\n
I reminded myself that she was not disappointing me.<\/p>\n
She wasn't failing at anything.<\/p>\n
She was ill.<\/p>\n
And she was doing what she could.<\/p>\n
I looked at the paramedic.<\/p>\n
"She keeps looking for me."<\/p>\n
He glanced at Maggie.<\/p>\n
"She's been responding to your voice."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
"I just wish she could talk."<\/p>\n
He didn't tell me that she would.<\/p>\n
I appreciated that he didn't make promises.<\/p>\n
I also wished there were promises he could safely make.<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued down the road.<\/p>\n
I felt another turn.<\/p>\n
The equipment moved faintly beside the stretcher.<\/p>\n
Maggie's hand remained in mine.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my thumb across her wedding ring.<\/p>\n
The metal felt smooth.<\/p>\n
Familiar.<\/p>\n
Solid.<\/p>\n
I was grateful for something I could recognize without uncertainty.<\/p>\n
So much had become unfamiliar in such a short time.<\/p>\n
The ambulance.<\/p>\n
The mask.<\/p>\n
The weakness in her face.<\/p>\n
The careful attention of the paramedic.<\/p>\n
Even my own fear felt unfamiliar.<\/p>\n
I had worried about Maggie before.<\/p>\n
Of course I had.<\/p>\n
That was part of loving someone.<\/p>\n
But this was different.<\/p>\n
I wasn't worrying about whether she had eaten enough or slept badly.<\/p>\n
I was watching her struggle just to remain awake.<\/p>\n
I looked at her face.<\/p>\n
I whispered her name once.<\/p>\n
"Maggie."<\/p>\n
She didn't open her eyes.<\/p>\n
This time, I didn't repeat it.<\/p>\n
I simply stayed beside her.<\/p>\n
The siren continued.<\/p>\n
The paramedic continued working.<\/p>\n
I held her hand and watched her breathe.<\/p>\n
And I began to understand that silence did not mean there was nothing left between us.<\/p>\n
I could still love her.<\/p>\n
I could still sit beside her.<\/p>\n
I could still offer the comfort of a familiar touch.<\/p>\n
For now, that had to be enough.<\/p>\n
I kept my fingers wrapped around Maggie's hand. Her wedding ring rested against my thumb. I rubbed the same small circle over her knuckles that I had been making throughout … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37529","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37529","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37529"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37529\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37549,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37529\/revisions\/37549"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37529"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37529"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37529"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}