I had been telling Maggie not to worry.<\/p>\n
I had said it again and again.<\/p>\n
"Just rest, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
"You're doing fine."<\/p>\n
"I'm right here."<\/p>\n
The words came easily because I wanted them to be true.<\/p>\n
But I was worried enough for both of us.<\/p>\n
I kept looking at the paramedic.<\/p>\n
Every time he checked a reading, I tried to understand his expression.<\/p>\n
Every time he adjusted something, I wondered whether it meant Maggie's condition had changed.<\/p>\n
I wasn't trained to recognize what he was watching for.<\/p>\n
That made everything feel more frightening.<\/p>\n
I was trying to read signs that meant nothing to me.<\/p>\n
He noticed me looking.<\/p>\n
"Do you have another question?"<\/p>\n
I felt embarrassed.<\/p>\n
"Probably a hundred."<\/p>\n
He gave a small nod.<\/p>\n
I looked toward Maggie.<\/p>\n
"But I don't know which one to ask."<\/p>\n
He continued checking her.<\/p>\n
I appreciated that he didn't make me feel foolish.<\/p>\n
I knew I was asking the same things repeatedly.<\/p>\n
I knew I was watching him too closely.<\/p>\n
I knew I had become the sort of frightened husband who needed reassurance every few minutes.<\/p>\n
Before that day, I might have imagined I would be calmer.<\/p>\n
I might have believed that when something serious happened, I would know how to behave.<\/p>\n
But imagining an emergency was different from sitting inside one.<\/p>\n
Maggie was lying inches away from me.<\/p>\n
She was struggling to remain awake.<\/p>\n
And nothing about that felt manageable.<\/p>\n
The ambulance continued along the road.<\/p>\n
I shifted forward in my seat.<\/p>\n
My hand had grown stiff from holding hers.<\/p>\n
I loosened my grip for a moment.<\/p>\n
Immediately, I worried she might think I was letting go.<\/p>\n
So I wrapped my fingers gently around hers again.<\/p>\n
"I'm still here."<\/p>\n
She didn't open her eyes.<\/p>\n
I looked at her forehead.<\/p>\n
There were small lines I recognized.<\/p>\n
I had seen those lines when she was concentrating.<\/p>\n
I had seen them when she was worried.<\/p>\n
I had seen them when she was tired at the end of a long day.<\/p>\n
But the expression on her face now was different.<\/p>\n
There was almost no movement.<\/p>\n
Her tiredness seemed deeper than anything I had seen before.<\/p>\n
I wanted to reach inside her and understand what she was feeling.<\/p>\n
Was she frightened?<\/p>\n
Was she in discomfort?<\/p>\n
Did she know how serious things had become?<\/p>\n
I couldn't ask her.<\/p>\n
Not without expecting an answer she might not have the strength to give.<\/p>\n
So I sat with my questions.<\/p>\n
The paramedic leaned closer to Maggie.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, I'm going to check on you."<\/p>\n
Her eyelids lifted slightly.<\/p>\n
He spoke calmly while he worked.<\/p>\n
I moved back to give him space.<\/p>\n
For once, I didn't ask what every movement meant.<\/p>\n
I watched him finish.<\/p>\n
Then I leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"You heard him, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She looked toward me.<\/p>\n
"He's taking care of you."<\/p>\n
I wanted her to know she wasn't alone with something frightening.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to understand there were people helping.<\/p>\n
She held my gaze briefly.<\/p>\n
Then her eyes closed.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her.<\/p>\n
It was strange how relieved I felt each time she recognized my voice.<\/p>\n
I knew she was still seriously unwell.<\/p>\n
I knew a glance didn't change that.<\/p>\n
But I needed those small moments.<\/p>\n
They were the only pieces of our ordinary life I could reach.<\/p>\n
I could still say her name.<\/p>\n
She could still find my face.<\/p>\n
I could still hold her hand.<\/p>\n
I tried to be grateful for those things without pretending they solved anything.<\/p>\n
The siren sounded beyond the ambulance walls.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I wondered how many people outside could hear it.<\/p>\n
Perhaps someone was standing at a crossing, waiting for us to pass.<\/p>\n
Perhaps another driver had pulled over.<\/p>\n
They would hear the siren.<\/p>\n
They might see the ambulance.<\/p>\n
Then they would continue with their day.<\/p>\n
They wouldn't know Maggie.<\/p>\n
They wouldn't know how long we'd been married.<\/p>\n
They wouldn't know that the woman inside had a husband sitting beside her, counting every time she opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
That thought made me feel terribly alone.<\/p>\n
Then I looked at the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He was still there.<\/p>\n
Still working.<\/p>\n
Still watching her.<\/p>\n
We weren't alone.<\/p>\n
I had to remind myself of that.<\/p>\n
"Thank you," I said.<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
I wasn't sure whether he understood what I meant.<\/p>\n
I wanted to thank him for checking her breathing.<\/p>\n
For watching her carefully.<\/p>\n
For speaking to her as a person instead of treating her like equipment on a stretcher.<\/p>\n
Most of all, I wanted to thank him for knowing what to do when I didn't.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't get all those words out.<\/p>\n
"Thank you for helping her."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"We're taking care of her."<\/p>\n
I looked back at Maggie.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe that the care she was receiving would be enough.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe we'd reach the hospital and someone would explain exactly what was wrong.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe she would eventually sit up and speak to me in her ordinary voice.<\/p>\n
I couldn't know any of that.<\/p>\n
I could only hope.<\/p>\n
Maggie's fingers shifted slightly.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Hey, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened.<\/p>\n
She looked tired.<\/p>\n
So tired.<\/p>\n
I tried to smile.<\/p>\n
"There you are."<\/p>\n
She looked at my face.<\/p>\n
For a second, I almost asked whether she was all right.<\/p>\n
It was a foolish question.<\/p>\n
Of course she wasn't all right.<\/p>\n
She was lying in an ambulance with an oxygen mask on her face.<\/p>\n
But the words had nearly come out because they were so familiar.<\/p>\n
How are you feeling?<\/p>\n
Are you okay?<\/p>\n
Do you need anything?<\/p>\n
Those were the questions I asked when Maggie had an ordinary bad day.<\/p>\n
Now ordinary questions seemed terribly inadequate.<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to answer."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
"Just stay with us."<\/p>\n
Her eyes remained open a moment longer.<\/p>\n
Then they closed again.<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
I had said too much.<\/p>\n
I knew it as soon as the words left my mouth.<\/p>\n
Just stay with us.<\/p>\n
It sounded frightened.<\/p>\n
It sounded as though I thought she might disappear.<\/p>\n
I didn't want her to hear that fear.<\/p>\n
I wanted my voice to make her feel safe.<\/p>\n
But I was human.<\/p>\n
I was her husband.<\/p>\n
And I was afraid.<\/p>\n
I looked at the paramedic.<\/p>\n
He continued caring for her.<\/p>\n
I took a careful breath.<\/p>\n
Then another.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to lose control of myself while Maggie needed me nearby.<\/p>\n
So I settled back into the small things I could manage.<\/p>\n
I kept my voice quiet.<\/p>\n
I held her hand gently.<\/p>\n
I moved whenever the paramedic needed room.<\/p>\n
I answered when he spoke.<\/p>\n
I watched her breathing without asking her to perform another effort for my reassurance.<\/p>\n
I couldn't hide every bit of fear.<\/p>\n
Perhaps I didn't need to.<\/p>\n
I only needed to make sure my fear didn't become another burden for Maggie.<\/p>\n
When her eyes opened again, I didn't ask her anything.<\/p>\n
I leaned close enough for her to see me.<\/p>\n
I gave her a small smile.<\/p>\n
And I stayed there until she rested again.<\/p>\n
I had been telling Maggie not to worry. I had said it again and again. "Just rest, sweetheart." "You're doing fine." "I'm right here." The words came easily because I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37527","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37527","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37527"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37527\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37547,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37527\/revisions\/37547"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37527"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37527"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37527"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}