I wished I could change my answer.<\/p>\n
That was the thought I couldn't get rid of.<\/p>\n
The paramedic had asked how long Maggie had been in this condition.<\/p>\n
I had said several days.<\/p>\n
At least three.<\/p>\n
Possibly four.<\/p>\n
Nothing about those words made me feel like a good husband.<\/p>\n
I looked at her lying beside me.<\/p>\n
I could see how little strength she had left.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe I had done everything possible.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't stop thinking about the time.<\/p>\n
Four days was a long time.<\/p>\n
Long enough for things to change.<\/p>\n
Long enough for someone to become much worse.<\/p>\n
I rubbed Maggie's hand.<\/p>\n
She didn't pull away.<\/p>\n
She didn't squeeze back either.<\/p>\n
The paramedic adjusted her oxygen mask once more.<\/p>\n
I watched him carefully.<\/p>\n
"Is she awake?"<\/p>\n
He looked at her.<\/p>\n
"She's responding."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"All right."<\/p>\n
I held on to that word.<\/p>\n
Responding.<\/p>\n
It meant she was still aware of something around her.<\/p>\n
It meant when I spoke, there was a chance she knew I was there.<\/p>\n
I leaned closer.<\/p>\n
"Maggie?"<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened.<\/p>\n
I felt my shoulders loosen.<\/p>\n
"Can you see me?"<\/p>\n
She looked toward my face.<\/p>\n
I smiled before I could stop myself.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
Her eyelids began to lower.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask her to keep them open.<\/p>\n
I didn't.<\/p>\n
I had seen how difficult it was.<\/p>\n
"Rest, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I kept holding her hand.<\/p>\n
The paramedic continued his work.<\/p>\n
He seemed to know what needed doing without stopping to think.<\/p>\n
I envied that.<\/p>\n
I had nothing to do but watch and wait.<\/p>\n
I asked him whether he needed any more information.<\/p>\n
"Not right now."<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
My hands were trembling a little.<\/p>\n
I pressed one against my leg while the other remained around Maggie's fingers.<\/p>\n
I tried to keep still.<\/p>\n
It didn't help much.<\/p>\n
I could still hear the siren.<\/p>\n
I could still feel the movement of the vehicle.<\/p>\n
And I could still see how weak Maggie was.<\/p>\n
The paramedic glanced at me.<\/p>\n
"You're doing fine."<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
I didn't feel fine.<\/p>\n
I felt frightened.<\/p>\n
I felt useless.<\/p>\n
Most of all, I felt ashamed that I could tell him so little.<\/p>\n
Maggie and I had lived so much of our lives together.<\/p>\n
Yet here I was, unable to explain properly what had happened over the past few days.<\/p>\n
I wanted to say more.<\/p>\n
But there was nothing in the information I had that could make the answer better.<\/p>\n
I looked at her face again.<\/p>\n
Her eyes remained shut.<\/p>\n
The mask covered her mouth.<\/p>\n
Her hand rested quietly inside mine.<\/p>\n
I traced a small circle over her knuckles with my thumb.<\/p>\n
I had done that before without even noticing.<\/p>\n
Now I did it deliberately.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to feel something familiar.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to know she was not alone.<\/p>\n
After another moment, her eyelids lifted.<\/p>\n
I moved closer immediately.<\/p>\n
"There you are."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I saw recognition in her eyes.<\/p>\n
At least, that was what I believed I saw.<\/p>\n
I held her gaze as long as she could manage it.<\/p>\n
Then she closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I remained beside her.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask anything else.<\/p>\n
No more questions.<\/p>\n
No requests for her to speak.<\/p>\n
She was already working hard enough just to stay aware of where she was.<\/p>\n
I finally understood that.<\/p>\n
The paramedic reached toward the equipment again.<\/p>\n
I moved aside to give him room.<\/p>\n
He checked Maggie carefully.<\/p>\n
I watched without speaking.<\/p>\n
I had spent the ride hoping someone would explain everything to me.<\/p>\n
Why she was so weak.<\/p>\n
Why she could barely keep her eyes open.<\/p>\n
Why she had become this ill.<\/p>\n
None of those answers was available to me in that moment.<\/p>\n
I only knew what I could see.<\/p>\n
My wife was seriously unwell.<\/p>\n
She had been that way for days.<\/p>\n
And I was sitting beside her in an ambulance, holding her hand while someone else tried to help her.<\/p>\n
It was not the place I wanted us to be.<\/p>\n
But it was where we were.<\/p>\n
So I stayed close.<\/p>\n
I watched her breathe.<\/p>\n
And when Maggie opened her eyes once more, she found me waiting beside her.<\/p>\n
I wished I could change my answer. That was the thought I couldn't get rid of. The paramedic had asked how long Maggie had been in this condition. I had … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37524","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37524","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37524"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37524\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37544,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37524\/revisions\/37544"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37524"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37524"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37524"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}