The question should have been easy.<\/p>\n
How long had Maggie been like this?<\/p>\n
I had already answered it.<\/p>\n
But the words kept returning.<\/p>\n
Several days.<\/p>\n
I looked at the paramedic's notebook.<\/p>\n
He had written down what I'd told him.<\/p>\n
To him, it was information.<\/p>\n
To me, it felt like an admission.<\/p>\n
I was her husband.<\/p>\n
I should have been able to explain what had happened.<\/p>\n
Instead, I had given him an estimate.<\/p>\n
I looked back at Maggie.<\/p>\n
Her face was still beneath the oxygen mask.<\/p>\n
She seemed to hear me whenever I spoke.<\/p>\n
At least, I hoped she did.<\/p>\n
"Maggie, can you hear me?"<\/p>\n
Her eyes moved beneath her lids.<\/p>\n
Then she opened them.<\/p>\n
Only for a moment.<\/p>\n
"That's good," I whispered.<\/p>\n
I had no idea whether it was good.<\/p>\n
But I needed to say something gentle.<\/p>\n
The paramedic leaned over and checked her again.<\/p>\n
I moved my knees out of his way.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
"You're fine."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
Then I moved a little farther back.<\/p>\n
It was strange how quickly I had become afraid of doing the wrong thing.<\/p>\n
Even sitting in the wrong place seemed important.<\/p>\n
Maggie's hand remained in mine.<\/p>\n
I could feel the small movement of her fingers whenever the ambulance shifted.<\/p>\n
I kept looking for a deliberate squeeze.<\/p>\n
Something that would tell me she was still fully aware.<\/p>\n
Something familiar.<\/p>\n
I had held her hand thousands of times.<\/p>\n
Crossing parking lots.<\/p>\n
Sitting together.<\/p>\n
Walking beside each other.<\/p>\n
I had never needed to think about it.<\/p>\n
Now I was studying every small movement.<\/p>\n
The paramedic looked at me again.<\/p>\n
"Has she been able to talk to you?"<\/p>\n
"A little."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
"Not much."<\/p>\n
I hated how often I had to say that.<\/p>\n
Not much.<\/p>\n
Not really.<\/p>\n
I didn't know.<\/p>\n
Those weren't the answers I wanted to give.<\/p>\n
I wanted to be useful.<\/p>\n
Instead, I kept admitting how little I understood.<\/p>\n
Maggie opened her eyes again.<\/p>\n
I leaned toward her.<\/p>\n
"Don't worry about answering anything."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
I could see how much effort it took.<\/p>\n
"Just rest."<\/p>\n
Her eyes shut.<\/p>\n
I stayed bent toward her for another moment.<\/p>\n
Then I lowered myself back onto the seat.<\/p>\n
The ambulance hit a small bump.<\/p>\n
I tightened my grip without meaning to.<\/p>\n
Maggie's hand shifted in mine.<\/p>\n
"Sorry, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
She didn't respond.<\/p>\n
I stared at the place where our fingers met.<\/p>\n
I remembered how ordinary it had once felt to reach for her.<\/p>\n
That was the cruel part.<\/p>\n
The same hand.<\/p>\n
The same person.<\/p>\n
But suddenly everything depended on whether she could respond.<\/p>\n
The paramedic adjusted a piece of equipment.<\/p>\n
I heard a quiet sound from beside the stretcher.<\/p>\n
I glanced up.<\/p>\n
"Is something wrong?"<\/p>\n
"No, sir. I'm checking her."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"All right."<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe every calm word he said.<\/p>\n
I also wanted him to understand that I was frightened.<\/p>\n
Both feelings lived inside me at once.<\/p>\n
I looked out through the ambulance window.<\/p>\n
There was nothing there that helped me.<\/p>\n
I turned back immediately.<\/p>\n
Maggie was still lying in the same position.<\/p>\n
Her breathing continued beneath the mask.<\/p>\n
I watched for several seconds before I let myself move.<\/p>\n
"She's my wife," I said quietly.<\/p>\n
The paramedic looked toward me.<\/p>\n
I realized he already knew that.<\/p>\n
I felt foolish.<\/p>\n
But I couldn't seem to stop talking.<\/p>\n
"Her name's Maggie."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
"Right."<\/p>\n
I didn't have anything useful to add.<\/p>\n
I simply needed someone in that ambulance to understand who she was to me.<\/p>\n
Not just a patient.<\/p>\n
Not just a woman on a stretcher.<\/p>\n
Maggie.<\/p>\n
My wife.<\/p>\n
The person whose hand I recognized even when I couldn't recognize what was happening to her.<\/p>\n
I leaned toward her again.<\/p>\n
"I'm still here."<\/p>\n
Her eyes opened briefly.<\/p>\n
She found my face.<\/p>\n
Then they closed.<\/p>\n
I remained where I was.<\/p>\n
Because for that moment, being there was the only thing I could give her.<\/p>\n
The question should have been easy. How long had Maggie been like this? I had already answered it. But the words kept returning. Several days. I looked at the paramedic's … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37520,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37522","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37522","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37522"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37522\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37542,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37522\/revisions\/37542"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37522"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37522"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37522"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}