I had promised Clara that I wouldn't decide what she was thinking before she told me.<\/p>\n
It sounded simple.<\/p>\n
It was harder than I expected.<\/p>\n
Even after our conversation, I caught myself searching her face for answers.<\/p>\n
When she looked toward the door, I wondered why.<\/p>\n
When she glanced at her phone, I wondered who had contacted her.<\/p>\n
When she fell quiet, I wondered whether she was holding something back.<\/p>\n
I had spent so much time doing this that it had become almost automatic.<\/p>\n
I would notice a small movement, form a question, and then try to answer it without speaking.<\/p>\n
Sometimes I didn't even realize I was doing it.<\/p>\n
That was what frightened me.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to become someone who needed an explanation for every silence.<\/p>\n
I wanted to be someone Clara could talk to without feeling that she was being examined.<\/p>\n
So when she woke and found me watching her, I made myself look away from the questions in my own head.<\/p>\n
"Did you get any rest?"<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
"A little."<\/p>\n
I moved the chair closer to the bed.<\/p>\n
"That's good."<\/p>\n
She studied me for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then she said, "You look worried again."<\/p>\n
I could have denied it.<\/p>\n
I almost did.<\/p>\n
Instead, I admitted the truth.<\/p>\n
"I still am."<\/p>\n
Clara lowered her eyes.<\/p>\n
I waited, trying not to turn her reaction into another mystery.<\/p>\n
"I'm worried about what happened tonight," I continued. "And I'm worried about how we've been talking to each other."<\/p>\n
She looked back at me.<\/p>\n
"What do you mean?"<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"I mean I don't want us to keep guessing what the other person is thinking."<\/p>\n
She was quiet.<\/p>\n
I continued before my courage disappeared.<\/p>\n
"I know I've been doing it. I've been watching you and trying to work out what you mean instead of asking you directly."<\/p>\n
Clara's expression softened slightly.<\/p>\n
I felt embarrassed admitting it.<\/p>\n
But the embarrassment was deserved.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to make you feel like you have to explain every movement," I said. "I just want us to be able to tell each other when something is wrong."<\/p>\n
She looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I thought she might close the conversation again.<\/p>\n
Then she spoke.<\/p>\n
"Sometimes I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's okay."<\/p>\n
She turned toward me.<\/p>\n
"Is it?"<\/p>\n
"Yes. You don't have to understand everything before you talk to me."<\/p>\n
The words surprised me as I said them.<\/p>\n
They were exactly what I needed to hear myself.<\/p>\n
I had been waiting for Clara to provide a complete explanation, something that would remove every doubt and settle every question.<\/p>\n
But people didn't always understand their own feelings well enough to explain them neatly.<\/p>\n
Sometimes they needed to begin with confusion.<\/p>\n
Sometimes they needed time to find the right words.<\/p>\n
I could allow for that.<\/p>\n
Clara looked down at the blanket.<\/p>\n
"I don't want you thinking the worst."<\/p>\n
"I don't want to think the worst."<\/p>\n
She gave me a tired smile.<\/p>\n
"Then stop doing it."<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
It was such a direct answer that there was nothing to hide behind.<\/p>\n
"You're right."<\/p>\n
She seemed surprised that I hadn't argued.<\/p>\n
I was surprised too.<\/p>\n
For once, I didn't feel the need to defend my behavior by listing all the reasons I had become worried.<\/p>\n
I knew those reasons.<\/p>\n
They were still there.<\/p>\n
But they didn't excuse every choice I had made since entering the room.<\/p>\n
I could acknowledge my fear without making Clara responsible for every part of it.<\/p>\n
That was something I needed to learn.<\/p>\n
A nurse came in to check Clara's condition.<\/p>\n
I stepped aside and waited while she worked.<\/p>\n
The nurse checked the equipment, asked Clara how she was feeling, and recorded the information.<\/p>\n
Clara answered quietly.<\/p>\n
When the nurse left, I returned to my chair.<\/p>\n
Clara looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Can you help me move the cup?"<\/p>\n
I moved it closer.<\/p>\n
She took a sip of water, then rested back against the pillow.<\/p>\n
"Thank you."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
The phone remained beside the cup.<\/p>\n
Neither of us mentioned it.<\/p>\n
I knew the question hadn't disappeared.<\/p>\n
But I was beginning to understand that I couldn't make it disappear by forcing Clara to answer before she was ready.<\/p>\n
I also couldn't make it disappear by pretending it didn't matter.<\/p>\n
There had to be a middle ground.<\/p>\n
I could respect her privacy.<\/p>\n
I could be honest about my feelings.<\/p>\n
And when the time came, I could ask her about the message without accusing her of anything.<\/p>\n
I didn't know what she would say.<\/p>\n
That uncertainty still hurt.<\/p>\n
But I was learning to live with the discomfort instead of turning it into a conclusion.<\/p>\n
Clara closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I sat quietly beside her.<\/p>\n
After a while, she reached for my hand.<\/p>\n
I took it.<\/p>\n
Her fingers rested against mine.<\/p>\n
I thought about the first moment outside her room, when Dr. Bennett had told me that the delivery had been difficult and Clara needed rest.<\/p>\n
At the time, I had been frightened by the medical news.<\/p>\n
Then I had become frightened by the things I didn't understand.<\/p>\n
Somewhere along the way, I had started treating those two fears as though they were the same.<\/p>\n
They weren't.<\/p>\n
One had to do with Clara's health.<\/p>\n
The other had to do with my need to know what was happening between us.<\/p>\n
Both mattered.<\/p>\n
But they needed different kinds of attention.<\/p>\n
I couldn't solve the second by watching a monitor.<\/p>\n
I couldn't solve it by waiting for a phone screen to light up.<\/p>\n
And I couldn't solve it by asking Clara to reassure me every time I became uneasy.<\/p>\n
I needed to speak honestly and listen to what she said.<\/p>\n
That was all I could do.<\/p>\n
Clara opened her eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
"Are you still thinking?"<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Trying not to."<\/p>\n
She gave my hand a small squeeze.<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
I stayed beside her until she drifted off again.<\/p>\n
For once, I didn't spend the entire time preparing questions in my head.<\/p>\n
I let myself rest.<\/p>\n
I let Clara rest.<\/p>\n
And I accepted that we were still two frightened people trying to find the right words after a night neither of us had expected.<\/p>\n
I had promised Clara that I wouldn't decide what she was thinking before she told me. It sounded simple. It was harder than I expected. Even after our conversation, I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37479,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37496","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37496","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37496"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37496\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37516,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37496\/revisions\/37516"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37496"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37496"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37496"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}