I woke from a short, uncomfortable doze when Clara moved her hand.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I didn't remember where I was.<\/p>\n
Then I heard the monitor.<\/p>\n
I saw the hospital bed.<\/p>\n
I felt the hard edge of the chair against my back.<\/p>\n
Clara was looking at me.<\/p>\n
"Did you fall asleep?"<\/p>\n
"Apparently."<\/p>\n
She smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"You needed it."<\/p>\n
I rubbed my face.<\/p>\n
"I didn't mean to."<\/p>\n
"You don't have to apologize for sleeping."<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
There was something reassuring about hearing her say that.<\/p>\n
She sounded more like herself.<\/p>\n
Still tired.<\/p>\n
Still recovering.<\/p>\n
But present in a way that had been difficult for her earlier.<\/p>\n
I felt grateful.<\/p>\n
I also felt a little foolish for how much relief I drew from such a small exchange.<\/p>\n
I had been looking for signs that things were getting better.<\/p>\n
A smile.<\/p>\n
A question.<\/p>\n
A hand reaching for mine.<\/p>\n
Those moments mattered, but they couldn't answer everything.<\/p>\n
I had to remember that.<\/p>\n
Clara asked whether anything had happened while she was sleeping.<\/p>\n
I told her the nurse had checked her blood pressure.<\/p>\n
"Anything else?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
Then she looked toward the table.<\/p>\n
I followed her gaze before catching myself.<\/p>\n
This time, I didn't look away immediately.<\/p>\n
I simply returned my attention to her.<\/p>\n
She noticed.<\/p>\n
Neither of us commented on it.<\/p>\n
I thought about our conversation earlier.<\/p>\n
I had told her I was worried.<\/p>\n
She had told me she needed time.<\/p>\n
We had acknowledged that we were both frightened.<\/p>\n
It wasn't a complete explanation.<\/p>\n
It wasn't even a complete conversation.<\/p>\n
But it was more honest than the silence we had shared before.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe that meant we had turned a corner.<\/p>\n
I also knew better than to expect one conversation to undo every difficult feeling.<\/p>\n
Trust wasn't a switch.<\/p>\n
Neither was fear.<\/p>\n
They changed through repeated moments, some small enough that nobody else would notice them.<\/p>\n
I had to be willing to keep trying.<\/p>\n
Clara shifted against the pillow.<\/p>\n
"Can I ask you something?"<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
She looked at me carefully.<\/p>\n
"When you were outside the room, what were you thinking?"<\/p>\n
I hadn't expected that question.<\/p>\n
I considered how to answer.<\/p>\n
I could tell her I was worried about her health.<\/p>\n
That was true.<\/p>\n
I could tell her I was frightened by the delivery.<\/p>\n
That was true too.<\/p>\n
But she had asked what I was thinking, not what I had been feeling.<\/p>\n
"I was wondering whether I was missing something important."<\/p>\n
Clara's face became still.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"I didn't know what it was. I just felt like there was something I wasn't understanding."<\/p>\n
She looked down at her hands.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to take the question back.<\/p>\n
I also didn't want to make it sound like an accusation.<\/p>\n
"I know I could be wrong," I added. "That's why I haven't wanted to assume anything."<\/p>\n
Clara was quiet for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then she asked, "And you think I should explain it?"<\/p>\n
I thought carefully before answering.<\/p>\n
"I think we should be able to talk about things that affect us."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"But not everything has to happen right now," I said. "Especially not while you're recovering."<\/p>\n
Clara nodded slightly.<\/p>\n
I couldn't tell whether she agreed or whether she was simply tired.<\/p>\n
I let the moment remain unfinished.<\/p>\n
She turned toward the window.<\/p>\n
I sat beside her, trying not to interpret every movement.<\/p>\n
After a while, she said, "I don't want us to hurt each other because we're afraid."<\/p>\n
The words caught me off guard.<\/p>\n
I felt something tighten in my throat.<\/p>\n
"Neither do I."<\/p>\n
She looked back at me.<\/p>\n
"I don't want you thinking the worst of me."<\/p>\n
I held her gaze.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to."<\/p>\n
It was an honest answer.<\/p>\n
Not a promise that I would never feel doubt.<\/p>\n
A statement about what I wanted to do with that doubt.<\/p>\n
Clara looked down.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
She didn't explain further.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her to.<\/p>\n
A nurse entered a little later and checked Clara's condition.<\/p>\n
I stepped aside while she worked.<\/p>\n
Clara answered the questions and followed the nurse's instructions.<\/p>\n
When the nurse left, I returned to the chair.<\/p>\n
I felt the urge to continue our conversation.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask whether Clara thought I had misunderstood something.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether she could help me understand why she seemed so worried about the phone.<\/p>\n
But I remembered what she had told me.<\/p>\n
She didn't want us to hurt each other because we were afraid.<\/p>\n
If I kept pushing simply because I couldn't tolerate uncertainty, I might do exactly that.<\/p>\n
So I asked whether she needed anything.<\/p>\n
She said she was comfortable.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
For a while, we sat quietly.<\/p>\n
I looked at the phone only once.<\/p>\n
Its screen was dark.<\/p>\n
I didn't reach for it.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask Clara to show me anything.<\/p>\n
I had no right to turn my worry into permission to invade her privacy.<\/p>\n
If there was something we needed to discuss, I wanted us to discuss it openly.<\/p>\n
I didn't want to discover an answer by crossing a boundary she had asked me to respect.<\/p>\n
That decision didn't make the uncertainty disappear.<\/p>\n
It made my next step clearer.<\/p>\n
I would have to wait for a conversation.<\/p>\n
And when it came, I would have to listen without deciding in advance what the truth should sound like.<\/p>\n
Clara eventually closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I sat beside her, holding her hand loosely.<\/p>\n
I thought about how frightened I had been when Dr. Bennett told me the delivery had become dangerous.<\/p>\n
I thought about the relief I had felt when I learned Clara was stable.<\/p>\n
I thought about how quickly that relief had become tangled with questions I didn't know how to ask.<\/p>\n
I had wanted the night to give me certainty.<\/p>\n
Instead, it had shown me how much I depended on it.<\/p>\n
That was uncomfortable to admit.<\/p>\n
But it was true.<\/p>\n
I couldn't control what Clara was ready to tell me.<\/p>\n
I couldn't control what I might learn.<\/p>\n
I couldn't even control how quickly my own fear returned.<\/p>\n
What I could control was whether I listened, whether I respected her boundaries, and whether I was willing to speak honestly about my feelings.<\/p>\n
Those things would have to be enough for now.<\/p>\n
Clara opened her eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
She looked at me and gave my hand a small squeeze.<\/p>\n
I squeezed hers in return.<\/p>\n
Neither of us said anything.<\/p>\n
For once, I didn't need the silence to promise me that everything was fine.<\/p>\n
I only needed it to be a moment when we could rest without pretending we had already solved everything.<\/p>\n
I woke from a short, uncomfortable doze when Clara moved her hand. For a moment, I didn't remember where I was. Then I heard the monitor. I saw the hospital … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37479,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37494","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37494","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37494"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37494\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37514,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37494\/revisions\/37514"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37494"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37494"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37494"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}