I stayed beside Clara until the room grew quiet again.<\/p>\n
Her hand rested in mine.<\/p>\n
The phone remained on the table.<\/p>\n
I tried to concentrate on the things that were certain.<\/p>\n
Clara was stable.<\/p>\n
The doctors were watching her.<\/p>\n
She had asked me to stay.<\/p>\n
Those facts mattered more than the questions I kept asking myself.<\/p>\n
At least, I wanted them to.<\/p>\n
After a while, Clara opened her eyes.<\/p>\n
"Have you been sitting there the whole time?"<\/p>\n
"Most of it."<\/p>\n
"You must be exhausted."<\/p>\n
"I'll manage."<\/p>\n
She gave me a tired look.<\/p>\n
I almost laughed because it was so familiar.<\/p>\n
Even after everything that had happened, she could still recognize when I was pretending to be stronger than I felt.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether she could recognize anything else.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether she knew how frightened I was of asking the wrong question.<\/p>\n
She shifted her hand in mine.<\/p>\n
I loosened my grip.<\/p>\n
"Is that better?"<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
For a few minutes, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I watched her face and tried to remember what it had looked like before we came to the hospital.<\/p>\n
I remembered ordinary mornings.<\/p>\n
Conversations about things that didn't matter much.<\/p>\n
The way she sometimes started telling me something while I was doing another task, then stopped when she realized I wasn't listening carefully enough.<\/p>\n
I had always told myself I would listen properly later.<\/p>\n
Later, when I finished what I was doing.<\/p>\n
Later, when we had more time.<\/p>\n
Later, when there wasn't something else demanding my attention.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to understand how often people used that word to avoid the present.<\/p>\n
Clara moved her head against the pillow.<\/p>\n
"Are you thinking about something?"<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
She waited.<\/p>\n
I felt the familiar urge to say it was nothing.<\/p>\n
I didn't.<\/p>\n
"I'm worried."<\/p>\n
Her eyes stayed on mine.<\/p>\n
"About the baby?"<\/p>\n
"About everything."<\/p>\n
She lowered her gaze.<\/p>\n
I couldn't tell whether my answer had upset her or whether she simply didn't have the energy to respond.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Then she said, "I know tonight has been frightening."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"I thought I was going to lose you."<\/p>\n
The words came out before I could soften them.<\/p>\n
Clara's expression changed.<\/p>\n
For a moment, she looked more awake than she had all night.<\/p>\n
"I'm still here."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
I looked down at our hands.<\/p>\n
"I just needed to say it."<\/p>\n
She squeezed my fingers weakly.<\/p>\n
I wanted that small gesture to settle something inside me.<\/p>\n
It helped.<\/p>\n
It didn't settle everything.<\/p>\n
A nurse came in to check Clara's condition.<\/p>\n
I moved aside while she worked.<\/p>\n
Clara answered the questions she was asked, and the nurse checked the equipment beside the bed.<\/p>\n
When she finished, she told Clara to continue resting.<\/p>\n
Then she left.<\/p>\n
I returned to my chair.<\/p>\n
Clara watched me sit down.<\/p>\n
"You can go home for a little while if you need to."<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"Not yet."<\/p>\n
She didn't argue.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether she genuinely wanted me to stay or whether she felt responsible for keeping me there.<\/p>\n
I hated that I had begun questioning even her kindness.<\/p>\n
I wanted to stop.<\/p>\n
I wanted to return to the simple understanding that had once existed between us.<\/p>\n
But understanding could not be forced.<\/p>\n
It had to be rebuilt through words and actions, and I didn't yet know what needed rebuilding.<\/p>\n
Clara turned toward the table.<\/p>\n
Her phone was still lying beside the cup.<\/p>\n
She looked at it for a few seconds.<\/p>\n
Then she looked away.<\/p>\n
I noticed the movement.<\/p>\n
I didn't comment on it.<\/p>\n
Instead, I asked whether she wanted the cup moved closer.<\/p>\n
She said no.<\/p>\n
I rested my hands on my knees.<\/p>\n
The silence returned.<\/p>\n
This time, I didn't try to fill it with a question about water, sleep, or whether she needed another pillow.<\/p>\n
I simply stayed.<\/p>\n
After several minutes, Clara spoke again.<\/p>\n
"I don't want you worrying about things you can't control."<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
"I can't help worrying."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
She paused.<\/p>\n
"Just try not to make everything harder than it already is."<\/p>\n
I felt the words land between us.<\/p>\n
She hadn't raised her voice.<\/p>\n
She hadn't accused me of anything.<\/p>\n
Still, I heard the part she hadn't said.<\/p>\n
I was making something harder.<\/p>\n
I wanted to explain that I wasn't trying to.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell her I was doing my best to give her space.<\/p>\n
But I also knew that good intentions didn't erase the effect of my behavior.<\/p>\n
So I nodded.<\/p>\n
"I'll try."<\/p>\n
She closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
I sat beside her, thinking about what she had said.<\/p>\n
I had been so focused on the possibility that Clara was keeping something from me that I had barely considered what my own fear was doing to the room.<\/p>\n
I watched every movement.<\/p>\n
I remembered every pause.<\/p>\n
I treated every unfinished sentence as something I needed to solve.<\/p>\n
Perhaps she felt that attention even when I didn't speak.<\/p>\n
Perhaps it made her less willing to tell me anything.<\/p>\n
I couldn't know.<\/p>\n
But I could change what I did next.<\/p>\n
I could stop searching for an answer in every small gesture.<\/p>\n
I could give her time without pretending that time alone would fix everything.<\/p>\n
And when we were both ready, I could ask the question plainly.<\/p>\n
I didn't know whether that conversation would bring us closer.<\/p>\n
I didn't know whether I would like what I heard.<\/p>\n
I only knew that I couldn't continue living inside a question I was too frightened to ask.<\/p>\n
Clara opened her eyes once more.<\/p>\n
She looked at me and gave a small nod toward the chair.<\/p>\n
"Stay there."<\/p>\n
I settled back.<\/p>\n
"I'm not going anywhere."<\/p>\n
For the moment, that was the only promise I could make without pretending to know what would happen next.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside Clara until the room grew quiet again. Her hand rested in mine. The phone remained on the table. I tried to concentrate on the things that were … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37479,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37488","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37488","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37488"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37488\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37508,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37488\/revisions\/37508"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37488"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37488"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37488"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}