I thought the hardest part would be waiting for the baby to arrive.<\/p>\n
I was wrong.<\/p>\n
By the time I reached the hospital, my hands were cold, my thoughts were scattered, and every minute seemed to last longer than the one before it.<\/p>\n
I kept looking at the doors.<\/p>\n
Every time someone came through, I lifted my head.<\/p>\n
Every time it wasn't the person I was waiting for, I looked down again.<\/p>\n
I tried to act normal.<\/p>\n
I sat in a chair near the wall and watched a television mounted in the corner with the sound turned off.<\/p>\n
People walked past carrying bags, folders, and cups of coffee.<\/p>\n
A nurse laughed quietly with another nurse at the end of the corridor.<\/p>\n
Somewhere behind a closed door, a machine beeped at regular intervals.<\/p>\n
Ordinary sounds.<\/p>\n
That was what made the waiting so difficult.<\/p>\n
The world outside that room continued as if nothing had happened.<\/p>\n
I couldn't do that.<\/p>\n
My phone rested in my palm.<\/p>\n
I checked it even when the screen showed nothing new.<\/p>\n
Then I locked it, put it away, and took it out again less than a minute later.<\/p>\n
I had imagined this day so many times that I thought I knew what I would feel.<\/p>\n
I expected excitement.<\/p>\n
I expected relief.<\/p>\n
I expected the kind of nervous happiness people described when they talked about becoming parents or welcoming a child into the family.<\/p>\n
Instead, I felt as though I had arrived somewhere important without understanding why I had been called there.<\/p>\n
I was afraid to ask myself what that meant.<\/p>\n
So I concentrated on the things I could see.<\/p>\n
A scuff mark on the floor.<\/p>\n
A paper cup left beside a chair.<\/p>\n
A clock whose second hand moved with an irritating little jump.<\/p>\n
I counted the seconds.<\/p>\n
Then I lost count.<\/p>\n
A woman came out of another room holding a newborn wrapped in a pale blanket.<\/p>\n
Her husband followed behind her, carrying a bag and trying to keep up.<\/p>\n
They were smiling.<\/p>\n
I looked away before either of them could notice me watching.<\/p>\n
It wasn't jealousy.<\/p>\n
Not exactly.<\/p>\n
I just wondered why something that should have been simple could make a person feel so lost.<\/p>\n
I had no answer.<\/p>\n
A nurse approached and asked whether I was waiting for someone.<\/p>\n
I told her I was there for Clara.<\/p>\n
She checked a paper attached to a clipboard.<\/p>\n
Her expression remained professional, but she took a moment before speaking.<\/p>\n
"Someone will come and speak with you soon."<\/p>\n
Soon.<\/p>\n
I had learned to dislike that word.<\/p>\n
It sounded reassuring without promising anything.<\/p>\n
I thanked her anyway.<\/p>\n
She walked away.<\/p>\n
I sat still for another few minutes before standing up and walking toward the water dispenser.<\/p>\n
I filled a paper cup.<\/p>\n
The water tasted faintly of plastic.<\/p>\n
I drank half of it and threw the rest away.<\/p>\n
Then I returned to my chair.<\/p>\n
I wanted to call Clara.<\/p>\n
I wanted to hear her voice and know that she was still herself, that nothing had changed beyond what we had expected to change.<\/p>\n
But I didn't know whether she was able to answer.<\/p>\n
I didn't know what the doctors had told her.<\/p>\n
And I didn't know what I would say if she picked up.<\/p>\n
That last part bothered me more than I wanted to admit.<\/p>\n
I had always believed that the right words would come when they mattered.<\/p>\n
That night, I discovered how little I trusted myself.<\/p>\n
I could prepare for a conversation a hundred different ways.<\/p>\n
I could imagine every possible response.<\/p>\n
But sitting outside a hospital room, with the person I cared about somewhere beyond my reach, I couldn't form one sentence that felt honest enough.<\/p>\n
I put my phone away.<\/p>\n
Then I heard footsteps approaching.<\/p>\n
A doctor appeared at the end of the corridor.<\/p>\n
She wore a white coat over her clothes and carried a folder against her side.<\/p>\n
She looked around before turning toward me.<\/p>\n
I knew immediately that she was looking for someone.<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
"Are you here for Clara?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
She introduced herself as Dr. Bennett.<\/p>\n
I shook her hand, although I barely felt the movement.<\/p>\n
She asked me to come a little closer so we could speak without disturbing the people nearby.<\/p>\n
I followed her several steps down the corridor.<\/p>\n
She stopped beside a closed door.<\/p>\n
For a moment, she looked at the folder in her hands instead of at me.<\/p>\n
That small pause frightened me.<\/p>\n
I had spent the entire evening waiting for information.<\/p>\n
Now that someone was ready to give it to me, I wanted another minute.<\/p>\n
I wanted to return to not knowing.<\/p>\n
Dr. Bennett raised her eyes.<\/p>\n
"Clara has had a difficult time."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
She explained that Clara's blood pressure had risen to a dangerous level during delivery.<\/p>\n
The doctors had needed to act quickly.<\/p>\n
The baby had been delivered earlier than they had hoped.<\/p>\n
I heard every word.<\/p>\n
I understood the meaning of each one.<\/p>\n
Still, it took me a moment to put them together.<\/p>\n
"Is Clara all right?"<\/p>\n
My voice sounded smaller than I expected.<\/p>\n
Dr. Bennett answered carefully.<\/p>\n
"She's stable now."<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
Just for a second.<\/p>\n
The relief came so quickly that I had to lean one hand against the wall.<\/p>\n
I hadn't realized how tightly I had been holding myself together until that moment.<\/p>\n
"Can I see her?"<\/p>\n
"In a moment."<\/p>\n
She told me Clara was exhausted and needed time to recover.<\/p>\n
The doctors were watching her closely.<\/p>\n
I nodded as if I understood everything she was telling me.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask about the baby.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask what had happened during the delivery and whether there was anything else I needed to know.<\/p>\n
But my mind kept returning to the same question.<\/p>\n
Clara was alive.<\/p>\n
She was stable.<\/p>\n
She was still here.<\/p>\n
For a few seconds, that was enough.<\/p>\n
Then Dr. Bennett shifted the folder in her hands.<\/p>\n
"There is something else I need you to understand before you go in."<\/p>\n
The relief disappeared.<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
"What is it?"<\/p>\n
She didn't answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I searched her face for a clue.<\/p>\n
I found concern, but not the kind I could easily interpret.<\/p>\n
She seemed to be choosing her words.<\/p>\n
I hated that.<\/p>\n
I had spent hours imagining terrible possibilities, and now I was standing in front of someone who knew the facts while I knew almost nothing.<\/p>\n
I wanted her to stop being careful.<\/p>\n
I wanted the truth, even if it hurt.<\/p>\n
"Please tell me."<\/p>\n
She glanced toward Clara's room.<\/p>\n
Then she looked back at me.<\/p>\n
"She has been through a great deal tonight."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"She's very tired."<\/p>\n
"I understand."<\/p>\n
But I didn't.<\/p>\n
Not completely.<\/p>\n
I knew there had been a medical emergency.<\/p>\n
I knew the delivery had become dangerous.<\/p>\n
I knew the doctors had acted to protect Clara and the baby.<\/p>\n
What I didn't know was why Dr. Bennett looked as though those facts were only part of the conversation.<\/p>\n
I waited for her to explain.<\/p>\n
She lowered her voice.<\/p>\n
"Give her time to speak when she's ready."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
I promised myself I would be patient.<\/p>\n
I promised myself I wouldn't ask too many questions or make Clara explain anything before she had recovered.<\/p>\n
I could wait.<\/p>\n
I had already waited all night.<\/p>\n
Another few minutes shouldn't have been difficult.<\/p>\n
But as I stood outside that door, I began to understand that I wasn't only afraid of what had happened during the delivery.<\/p>\n
I was afraid of what might happen after I entered the room.<\/p>\n
Because sometimes the worst part of a frightening night isn't the news you receive.<\/p>\n
It's the moment you realize that someone you love may be carrying something you never knew about.<\/p>\n
And you have no idea whether they are ready to tell you.<\/p>\n
I thought the hardest part would be waiting for the baby to arrive. I was wrong. By the time I reached the hospital, my hands were cold, my thoughts were … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37479,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37480","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37480","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37480"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37480\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37500,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37480\/revisions\/37500"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37479"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37480"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37480"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37480"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}