I thought the hardest part would be finding Matthew.<\/p>\n
For eleven years, that had been the only thing I could imagine.<\/p>\n
Find him.<\/p>\n
Hear his voice.<\/p>\n
Know he was alive.<\/p>\n
Everything else seemed like a problem I could face afterward.<\/p>\n
Now afterward had arrived.<\/p>\n
And it was more complicated than I expected.<\/p>\n
Matthew was sitting across from me again.<\/p>\n
He had been quiet for several minutes.<\/p>\n
I did not interrupt.<\/p>\n
I was getting better at that.<\/p>\n
At first, every silence frightened me.<\/p>\n
I thought I had said something wrong.<\/p>\n
I thought he might be uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
I thought he might decide he no longer wanted me there.<\/p>\n
Now I was beginning to understand that silence did not always mean something terrible.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he was just thinking.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he was tired.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he did not have anything to say.<\/p>\n
That was allowed.<\/p>\n
He looked toward the door.<\/p>\n
"Is Ramirez still working on it?"<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"About Robert?"<\/p>\n
"About what happened."<\/p>\n
Matthew considered that.<\/p>\n
"Do you think he'll ask Robert questions?"<\/p>\n
"I imagine he'll need to."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
Then he raised his eyes.<\/p>\n
"Do you want to talk to Robert?"<\/p>\n
I felt my jaw tighten.<\/p>\n
The question came too quickly for me to hide my reaction.<\/p>\n
Matthew noticed.<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
"I want answers from him."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"But I don't know what I'd say if I saw him right now."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Are you angry?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
The answer came easily this time.<\/p>\n
I did not need to pretend otherwise.<\/p>\n
I was angry.<\/p>\n
Angry about the missing years.<\/p>\n
Angry about the uncertainty.<\/p>\n
Angry that a man I had trusted had been standing near the pool while Matthew was gone.<\/p>\n
But I still did not know whether Robert had caused any of it.<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
I looked at my son.<\/p>\n
"I'm angry because I don't understand what happened."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"And because I trusted him."<\/p>\n
Matthew rubbed his fingers together.<\/p>\n
"Do you think you were wrong to trust him?"<\/p>\n
I thought carefully.<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"Trusting someone doesn't tell us what they did afterward."<\/p>\n
Matthew watched me.<\/p>\n
"I can question what happened without pretending I know the answer."<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
"I guess."<\/p>\n
I looked toward the door.<\/p>\n
There were moments when I wanted to walk into the adjoining room and demand that Ramirez tell me everything.<\/p>\n
But I remembered what Matthew had said.<\/p>\n
He did not want to hate someone simply because he could not remember.<\/p>\n
I had promised myself the same thing.<\/p>\n
I would not turn uncertainty into blame.<\/p>\n
I would not let my anger decide the facts.<\/p>\n
Matthew leaned back.<\/p>\n
"Do you think about the pool a lot?"<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"More than I used to."<\/p>\n
He looked curious.<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because I didn't question it at the time."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
"I thought Robert was shocked."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"And now?"<\/p>\n
"Now I realize I don't know."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I felt the familiar weight of guilt.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him how many times I had replayed the moment.<\/p>\n
How often I had imagined going downstairs sooner.<\/p>\n
How often I had wondered whether one different decision could have changed everything.<\/p>\n
But I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
Matthew did not need to carry that burden for me.<\/p>\n
He had enough of his own.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Can I ask you something?"<\/p>\n
"Sure."<\/p>\n
"Are you comfortable talking about this?"<\/p>\n
He thought about it.<\/p>\n
"Some of it."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Then we can stop whenever you want."<\/p>\n
He gave me a small smile.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
We sat quietly.<\/p>\n
Then he asked something I had not expected.<\/p>\n
"Do you think we're going to keep seeing each other?"<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Would you like that?"<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"Yeah."<\/p>\n
I felt my chest tighten.<\/p>\n
"Then I'd like that too."<\/p>\n
He looked relieved.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him how much.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him I would spend every day with him if he asked.<\/p>\n
But I knew that would be too much.<\/p>\n
He was not asking me to take over his life.<\/p>\n
He was asking whether there was room for me in it.<\/p>\n
I could answer that without overwhelming him.<\/p>\n
"I'd like to see you as often as you're comfortable."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
We sat quietly again.<\/p>\n
Then he smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"You're being really careful."<\/p>\n
I laughed softly.<\/p>\n
"I am."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
I thought about the first time I walked into the room.<\/p>\n
How afraid I had been to move toward him.<\/p>\n
How I had wondered whether I could even touch him.<\/p>\n
How I had nearly cried when he said Dad.<\/p>\n
"Because I don't want to scare you away."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked surprised.<\/p>\n
Then his expression softened.<\/p>\n
"I'm not planning to disappear."<\/p>\n
The words struck me.<\/p>\n
He noticed immediately.<\/p>\n
His smile faded.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to apologize."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
"I didn't mean it like that."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
For a moment, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I felt the old fear rise.<\/p>\n
The memory of coming downstairs and discovering he was gone.<\/p>\n
The searching.<\/p>\n
The ocean.<\/p>\n
The eleven years.<\/p>\n
Then I looked at Matthew.<\/p>\n
He was still sitting there.<\/p>\n
He had not vanished.<\/p>\n
He was not a memory.<\/p>\n
He was a person who had made an ordinary remark.<\/p>\n
I had to learn how to live with that.<\/p>\n
I leaned back.<\/p>\n
"I'm going to worry sometimes."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"I figured."<\/p>\n
I managed a smile.<\/p>\n
"But I don't want you to feel responsible for making me stop."<\/p>\n
He looked at me carefully.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"That's something I need to work on."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
For a while, he looked out the window.<\/p>\n
Then he asked whether I wanted to see him again the next day.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He looked amused.<\/p>\n
"You didn't even think about it."<\/p>\n
"I didn't need to."<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
The sound warmed something inside me.<\/p>\n
I had missed eleven years of that laugh.<\/p>\n
But I was hearing it now.<\/p>\n
That mattered more than counting every time I had not heard it.<\/p>\n
A little later, Ramirez came to the door.<\/p>\n
He knocked before entering.<\/p>\n
Matthew looked up.<\/p>\n
"Are we finished?"<\/p>\n
Ramirez smiled slightly.<\/p>\n
"For now."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to dread goodbyes.<\/p>\n
Even small ones.<\/p>\n
Even temporary ones.<\/p>\n
The word goodbye had belonged to the worst day of my life for too long.<\/p>\n
Matthew seemed to notice.<\/p>\n
He stood too.<\/p>\n
"Tomorrow?"<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Tomorrow."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Same place?"<\/p>\n
"If that works."<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
I wanted to hug him again.<\/p>\n
But I did not move.<\/p>\n
I remembered what I had learned.<\/p>\n
Ask.<\/p>\n
Do not assume.<\/p>\n
"Would a hug be okay?"<\/p>\n
Matthew smiled.<\/p>\n
"Yeah."<\/p>\n
I stepped forward.<\/p>\n
He hugged me.<\/p>\n
This time, he did not hesitate as long.<\/p>\n
It was still brief.<\/p>\n
Still a little awkward.<\/p>\n
But different.<\/p>\n
I felt his hand rest against my back.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then I let go.<\/p>\n
Matthew stepped away.<\/p>\n
He looked almost embarrassed.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"See you tomorrow."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"See you."<\/p>\n
I watched him return toward the adjoining room.<\/p>\n
Ramirez waited until the door closed.<\/p>\n
Then he turned toward me.<\/p>\n
"How are you doing?"<\/p>\n
I looked at the door.<\/p>\n
"Better than yesterday."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's good."<\/p>\n
I hesitated.<\/p>\n
"Have you learned anything more about Robert?"<\/p>\n
Ramirez's expression became serious.<\/p>\n
"We're still examining the information."<\/p>\n
I felt frustration rise.<\/p>\n
Then I let it pass.<\/p>\n
I had spent eleven years wanting answers.<\/p>\n
I could not force them to appear because I was tired of waiting.<\/p>\n
"What do you need from me?"<\/p>\n
Ramirez regarded me carefully.<\/p>\n
"For now, keep being honest about what you remember."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"I can do that."<\/p>\n
"And don't try to fill in the missing pieces."<\/p>\n
I gave a tired smile.<\/p>\n
"I'm working on it."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I glanced at the table.<\/p>\n
The photograph was still there.<\/p>\n
Matthew with the red bucket.<\/p>\n
Robert behind him.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I wanted to pick it up again.<\/p>\n
I wanted to stare at Robert's face until something became obvious.<\/p>\n
But I knew the picture would not change.<\/p>\n
It showed one moment.<\/p>\n
It did not explain the next eleven years.<\/p>\n
I looked back at Ramirez.<\/p>\n
"I want the truth."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Even if it isn't what I expect."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's important."<\/p>\n
I felt my hands tighten.<\/p>\n
"I don't want Matthew growing up with somebody else's explanation of his life."<\/p>\n
Ramirez said nothing.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"He's already had enough of that."<\/p>\n
I looked toward the adjoining door.<\/p>\n
Matthew was somewhere beyond it.<\/p>\n
Alive.<\/p>\n
Still learning who I was.<\/p>\n
Still carrying questions about his own past.<\/p>\n
I could not answer those questions yet.<\/p>\n
But I could stop making promises I had no right to make.<\/p>\n
I could stop treating every suspicion as proof.<\/p>\n
I could stop expecting my son to become the little boy I remembered.<\/p>\n
And I could keep showing up.<\/p>\n
That part was within my control.<\/p>\n
I looked at the photograph one final time.<\/p>\n
For eleven years, I had believed the ocean ended Matthew's story.<\/p>\n
Now I knew it had not.<\/p>\n
But I still did not know what happened on that beach.<\/p>\n
I did not know why Robert had stood near the pool.<\/p>\n
I did not know what Matthew might eventually remember.<\/p>\n
Those questions remained.<\/p>\n
I would not abandon them.<\/p>\n
But when I turned away from the table, I was no longer thinking only about the day my son disappeared.<\/p>\n
I was thinking about the next morning.<\/p>\n
About walking through the door again.<\/p>\n
About hearing him say hello.<\/p>\n
About having another conversation that did not need to explain everything.<\/p>\n
Matthew had asked to see me tomorrow.<\/p>\n
And for the first time in eleven years, I was beginning to believe that tomorrow could belong to us.<\/p>\n
I thought the hardest part would be finding Matthew. For eleven years, that had been the only thing I could imagine. Find him. Hear his voice. Know he was alive. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37200,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37216","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37216","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37216"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37216\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37236,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37216\/revisions\/37236"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37200"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37216"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37216"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37216"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}