Matthew was the one who mentioned Robert.<\/p>\n
We had been talking for a while.<\/p>\n
Nothing serious.<\/p>\n
Nothing about the beach.<\/p>\n
Then he stopped in the middle of a sentence.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He looked toward the closed door.<\/p>\n
"Can I ask you something about that picture?"<\/p>\n
I felt my stomach tighten.<\/p>\n
"The one with the bucket?"<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"And Robert."<\/p>\n
I tried to keep my face calm.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
Matthew rubbed his thumb against his finger.<\/p>\n
"Why were you looking at it so much?"<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
I could have told him it was because Robert's presence troubled me.<\/p>\n
I could have told him about the pool.<\/p>\n
I could have explained how one memory had changed the way I understood eleven years of my life.<\/p>\n
But I needed to be careful.<\/p>\n
Matthew was not asking for my conclusions.<\/p>\n
He was asking why the photograph mattered to me.<\/p>\n
So I started there.<\/p>\n
"It's one of the last pictures I remember from that day."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"You were there?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"But not in the picture."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Where were you?"<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"I was checking on the excursion."<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
"And Robert was with me?"<\/p>\n
"That's what I remember."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked down.<\/p>\n
I watched him think.<\/p>\n
Then he asked something I had not expected.<\/p>\n
"Did I like him?"<\/p>\n
I felt the question settle between us.<\/p>\n
I wanted to answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I wanted to give him the reassuring version of the day.<\/p>\n
Robert laughing.<\/p>\n
Matthew standing nearby.<\/p>\n
Everything ordinary.<\/p>\n
But I did not know exactly what Matthew had felt.<\/p>\n
I knew what I had seen.<\/p>\n
I knew what I had believed.<\/p>\n
Those were different things.<\/p>\n
"I don't remember you being afraid of him," I said.<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"But I can't tell you everything you felt."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
That seemed to satisfy him.<\/p>\n
For a moment.<\/p>\n
Then he asked another question.<\/p>\n
"Did you trust him?"<\/p>\n
I looked at my hands.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
Matthew waited.<\/p>\n
"I trusted him enough to leave you with him."<\/p>\n
He stared at the table.<\/p>\n
I could see him taking that in.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask what he was thinking.<\/p>\n
But I held back.<\/p>\n
After a while, he raised his eyes.<\/p>\n
"Do you still?"<\/p>\n
I did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
There was no way to make that question simple.<\/p>\n
Eleven years earlier, the answer had been easy.<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
I trusted Robert.<\/p>\n
I accepted his reassurance.<\/p>\n
I went upstairs believing Matthew was safe.<\/p>\n
Now I had seen the photograph again.<\/p>\n
I had remembered Robert near the pool.<\/p>\n
And I knew my son had survived a disappearance everyone had attributed to the ocean.<\/p>\n
I could not pretend my trust was unchanged.<\/p>\n
"No," I said quietly.<\/p>\n
Matthew watched me.<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
I took a slow breath.<\/p>\n
"Because there are things I don't understand."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"About that day?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
I wanted to stop there.<\/p>\n
But he turned back.<\/p>\n
"Like what?"<\/p>\n
I felt myself hesitate.<\/p>\n
I thought about Ramirez's warning.<\/p>\n
Do not fill in gaps with assumptions.<\/p>\n
Do not make Matthew's memories match mine.<\/p>\n
I could tell him what I personally remembered.<\/p>\n
But I had to make sure he understood the limits of it.<\/p>\n
"When I came back downstairs, people were looking for you."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"I remember that."<\/p>\n
I paused.<\/p>\n
"Robert wasn't on the beach when I saw him."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Where was he?"<\/p>\n
"Near the pool."<\/p>\n
He sat still.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"I remember him standing there while other people searched."<\/p>\n
Matthew frowned.<\/p>\n
"Was he helping?"<\/p>\n
"Not when I saw him."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I felt a sudden urge to explain.<\/p>\n
"That doesn't tell us what he was doing before."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"And it doesn't prove he knew anything."<\/p>\n
He raised his eyes.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
I was not sure he did.<\/p>\n
Perhaps I was not sure I did.<\/p>\n
The memory had become so important to me that I sometimes caught myself treating it like an answer.<\/p>\n
It was not.<\/p>\n
It was a question.<\/p>\n
Matthew looked toward the door again.<\/p>\n
"Did you ask him?"<\/p>\n
I swallowed.<\/p>\n
"I don't remember asking him why he was standing there."<\/p>\n
He stared at me.<\/p>\n
"Why not?"<\/p>\n
That hurt.<\/p>\n
Not because he was accusing me.<\/p>\n
Because I had asked myself the same question.<\/p>\n
I rubbed my forehead.<\/p>\n
"I was frightened."<\/p>\n
Matthew waited.<\/p>\n
"Everything was happening at once."<\/p>\n
I looked down.<\/p>\n
"I thought he was in shock."<\/p>\n
Matthew frowned.<\/p>\n
"Did he say that?"<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
He looked at me for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then he said something that stayed with me.<\/p>\n
"So you just thought it."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
I could not defend myself.<\/p>\n
I had given Robert an explanation he had not offered.<\/p>\n
Maybe it was correct.<\/p>\n
Maybe it was not.<\/p>\n
But it had allowed me to stop questioning his behavior.<\/p>\n
Matthew looked down.<\/p>\n
For a while, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
Then he asked whether Ramirez knew about the pool.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"What did he say?"<\/p>\n
"That we need to establish what happened."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's what he keeps saying."<\/p>\n
I almost smiled.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
He leaned back.<\/p>\n
"It's frustrating."<\/p>\n
"Very."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Do you think he knows more than he's telling us?"<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
Matthew sighed.<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
Neither of us wanted another uncertain answer.<\/p>\n
But uncertain answers were better than false ones.<\/p>\n
I had learned that too late.<\/p>\n
Matthew folded his hands.<\/p>\n
"Can I tell you something?"<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to hate somebody just because I don't remember."<\/p>\n
I felt my chest tighten.<\/p>\n
"Neither do I."<\/p>\n
He raised his eyes.<\/p>\n
"Really?"<\/p>\n
"Really."<\/p>\n
I paused.<\/p>\n
"I want to know what happened."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"But I don't want to decide somebody is guilty because I'm angry."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me carefully.<\/p>\n
"Are you angry?"<\/p>\n
I thought about eleven years.<\/p>\n
The empty place Matthew had left behind.<\/p>\n
The photographs.<\/p>\n
The birthdays.<\/p>\n
The old belief that the ocean had taken him.<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
I was angry.<\/p>\n
But I did not know where that anger belonged.<\/p>\n
"Sometimes," I admitted.<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
"Me too."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He rubbed his thumb along his finger.<\/p>\n
"I don't even know who I'm angry at."<\/p>\n
I felt my throat tighten.<\/p>\n
"That makes sense."<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
"Does it?"<\/p>\n
"To me."<\/p>\n
He looked away.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him that I understood exactly how he felt.<\/p>\n
But I did not.<\/p>\n
I understood parts of it.<\/p>\n
I understood confusion.<\/p>\n
I understood fear.<\/p>\n
I understood the ache of unanswered questions.<\/p>\n
But Matthew had lived those eleven years.<\/p>\n
I had mourned him.<\/p>\n
Those were different experiences.<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to feel the same way I do."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"About Robert?"<\/p>\n
"About any of it."<\/p>\n
Matthew watched me quietly.<\/p>\n
Then he nodded.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
The room settled into silence.<\/p>\n
I was beginning to recognize the different kinds of silence between us.<\/p>\n
Some felt uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
Some felt frightened.<\/p>\n
This one felt thoughtful.<\/p>\n
Matthew was considering what I had said.<\/p>\n
I was doing the same.<\/p>\n
After a while, he looked toward the photograph's location in the adjoining room.<\/p>\n
"Can I see it again?"<\/p>\n
I hesitated.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
He stood.<\/p>\n
I stood too.<\/p>\n
Then he stopped.<\/p>\n
"Maybe Ramirez should be there."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"That's fine."<\/p>\n
I opened the door.<\/p>\n
Ramirez was sitting at the other table.<\/p>\n
He looked up.<\/p>\n
Matthew stepped into the room.<\/p>\n
"Can I look at the picture?"<\/p>\n
Ramirez nodded.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He moved the photograph toward him.<\/p>\n
Matthew sat down.<\/p>\n
I remained standing for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then I took the chair beside him.<\/p>\n
The photograph lay between us.<\/p>\n
Matthew stared at the red bucket.<\/p>\n
He touched the edge of the paper.<\/p>\n
"I remember this."<\/p>\n
His voice was quiet.<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
He looked at Robert.<\/p>\n
Then back at the bucket.<\/p>\n
I watched him carefully.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know what he was thinking.<\/p>\n
But I did not ask.<\/p>\n
After a while, Matthew looked at Ramirez.<\/p>\n
"Can I have some time to look at it?"<\/p>\n
Ramirez nodded.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
He stepped back.<\/p>\n
Matthew continued studying the photograph.<\/p>\n
I sat beside him.<\/p>\n
Eleven years earlier, I had stood near that same boy and believed I understood what was happening around him.<\/p>\n
Now I knew how little I had understood.<\/p>\n
I did not want to repeat that mistake.<\/p>\n
So I stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
And for once, I let Matthew decide what the photograph meant to him.<\/p>\n
Matthew was the one who mentioned Robert. We had been talking for a while. Nothing serious. Nothing about the beach. Then he stopped in the middle of a sentence. I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37200,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37214","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37214"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37214\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37234,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37214\/revisions\/37234"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37200"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}