I wanted to know where Matthew had been.<\/p>\n
I wanted that answer more than anything.<\/p>\n
But I could see how carefully he was choosing his words.<\/p>\n
Every time I asked something, he looked down before answering.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he pressed his lips together.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he rubbed his thumb against his finger.<\/p>\n
I began to recognize the movement.<\/p>\n
He did it when he was uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
He did it when he was trying to remember.<\/p>\n
And he did it when he looked at me.<\/p>\n
That last part was difficult.<\/p>\n
I had imagined my son being happy to see me.<\/p>\n
I had never seriously considered how frightening it might be for him.<\/p>\n
A man he remembered only in pieces had suddenly appeared after eleven years.<\/p>\n
That man was calling himself his father.<\/p>\n
And that man was crying in front of him.<\/p>\n
I wiped my face with my sleeve.<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"You keep saying that."<\/p>\n
I managed a small smile.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"You don't have to."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
"I just don't know what I'm supposed to say."<\/p>\n
That was the first time he sounded like a young man instead of someone answering questions in an interview.<\/p>\n
I felt my shoulders loosen.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to say anything."<\/p>\n
He considered that.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
We sat quietly.<\/p>\n
I looked around the room.<\/p>\n
There was nothing personal in it.<\/p>\n
No family photographs.<\/p>\n
No toys.<\/p>\n
Nothing belonging to either of us.<\/p>\n
Only a table, two chairs, and a closed door.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether Matthew would remember the sound of my voice if I spoke long enough.<\/p>\n
Then I realized I was thinking about myself again.<\/p>\n
I had spent eleven years grieving what I had lost.<\/p>\n
He had spent those same years living a life I knew nothing about.<\/p>\n
Those were not the same experiences.<\/p>\n
I needed to stop pretending they were.<\/p>\n
Matthew leaned forward.<\/p>\n
"Do you still have pictures of me?"<\/p>\n
The question caught me off guard.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"From before?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He looked at his hands.<\/p>\n
"A lot?"<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"More than I can count."<\/p>\n
He took a breath.<\/p>\n
"Do you look at them?"<\/p>\n
I had promised myself I would not overwhelm him.<\/p>\n
I tried to answer simply.<\/p>\n
"Sometimes."<\/p>\n
That was not the whole truth.<\/p>\n
For years, I had looked at those photographs because they were the only way I could see his face.<\/p>\n
But I did not want to make him responsible for my sadness.<\/p>\n
He studied me.<\/p>\n
"I thought maybe you'd gotten rid of everything."<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
His eyes moved toward the door.<\/p>\n
Then back to me.<\/p>\n
"Not even the old stuff?"<\/p>\n
"Not even the old stuff."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I could see him thinking.<\/p>\n
I wanted to ask what he had been told about me.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know whether he had spent eleven years believing I was gone.<\/p>\n
But I was afraid of asking too much at once.<\/p>\n
So I waited.<\/p>\n
He was the one who spoke again.<\/p>\n
"I remember the beach."<\/p>\n
My heart began beating harder.<\/p>\n
I forced myself to stay still.<\/p>\n
"What do you remember?"<\/p>\n
He looked toward the window.<\/p>\n
"The sand."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"And the bucket."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead.<\/p>\n
"There were other kids."<\/p>\n
"The children's club."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"Yeah. I think that's what it was."<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him everything.<\/p>\n
I wanted to fill in every missing part.<\/p>\n
But I remembered what he had said about the photograph.<\/p>\n
He was not sure which things he remembered and which things he had learned afterward.<\/p>\n
I did not want to place my own memories inside his.<\/p>\n
So I kept quiet.<\/p>\n
Matthew stared at the table.<\/p>\n
"I remember somebody laughing."<\/p>\n
My hands tightened in my lap.<\/p>\n
Robert.<\/p>\n
The name came into my mind immediately.<\/p>\n
But I did not say it.<\/p>\n
A laugh was not a name.<\/p>\n
I knew that.<\/p>\n
And I had already made enough mistakes by assuming things.<\/p>\n
"Do you know who it was?" I asked.<\/p>\n
Matthew shook his head.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"That's okay."<\/p>\n
He frowned.<\/p>\n
"Is it?"<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He pressed his fingers together.<\/p>\n
"I keep thinking I should remember more."<\/p>\n
I recognized that feeling.<\/p>\n
I had spent eleven years thinking I should have noticed more.<\/p>\n
Should have stayed downstairs.<\/p>\n
Should have gone to the beach sooner.<\/p>\n
Should have questioned Robert.<\/p>\n
Should have understood what was happening.<\/p>\n
The word should had followed me everywhere.<\/p>\n
I did not want to give it to Matthew.<\/p>\n
"You were a child," I said.<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to explain that day to me."<\/p>\n
For a moment, he looked as though he wanted to argue.<\/p>\n
Then he nodded.<\/p>\n
"I don't remember the ocean."<\/p>\n
I went still.<\/p>\n
He looked directly at me.<\/p>\n
"I remember being near the beach, but I don't remember going into the water."<\/p>\n
I felt something cold settle in my chest.<\/p>\n
That did not prove he had never entered the water.<\/p>\n
Memories could be incomplete.<\/p>\n
Especially memories from childhood.<\/p>\n
I knew that.<\/p>\n
But hearing him say it brought me back to the photograph.<\/p>\n
Robert.<\/p>\n
The red bucket.<\/p>\n
The pool.<\/p>\n
The people searching.<\/p>\n
And the fact that I had never personally seen Matthew disappear into the ocean.<\/p>\n
I lowered my eyes.<\/p>\n
"I didn't see that happen either."<\/p>\n
Matthew watched me.<\/p>\n
"Then why did you think it did?"<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"Because that's what everyone believed."<\/p>\n
He said nothing.<\/p>\n
I could hear how weak the explanation sounded.<\/p>\n
Everyone believed it.<\/p>\n
As though enough people agreeing could turn a guess into a fact.<\/p>\n
I looked at Matthew.<\/p>\n
"I should have asked more questions."<\/p>\n
He shook his head slightly.<\/p>\n
"Maybe nobody knew."<\/p>\n
"Maybe."<\/p>\n
That was the problem.<\/p>\n
I no longer knew which parts of the story had been established and which parts had simply been repeated.<\/p>\n
Matthew leaned back.<\/p>\n
I could see he was tired.<\/p>\n
I did not want to keep him sitting there while I worked through my guilt.<\/p>\n
"Do you want to stop?" I asked.<\/p>\n
He looked surprised.<\/p>\n
"Talking?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He thought about it.<\/p>\n
"Maybe for a minute."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
I nodded toward the door.<\/p>\n
"I can get Ramirez."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to go."<\/p>\n
I stayed very still.<\/p>\n
He shifted in his chair.<\/p>\n
"I just mean we don't have to talk about the beach."<\/p>\n
I felt my eyes burn.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
He looked around the room.<\/p>\n
Then he asked whether I had been living in the same place all those years.<\/p>\n
I answered.<\/p>\n
He asked ordinary questions.<\/p>\n
Small questions.<\/p>\n
Questions that did not require either of us to explain something terrible.<\/p>\n
I answered them as plainly as I could.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he smiled.<\/p>\n
Sometimes he looked away.<\/p>\n
I did not try to make the conversation into anything more.<\/p>\n
After a while, he asked for some water.<\/p>\n
I reached toward the door.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
"Do you want me to ask Ramirez?"<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I opened the door and called quietly.<\/p>\n
Ramirez appeared.<\/p>\n
Matthew asked for water.<\/p>\n
Ramirez said he would bring it.<\/p>\n
When the door closed again, Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
"You still say my name the same way."<\/p>\n
I turned toward him.<\/p>\n
"What do you mean?"<\/p>\n
He shrugged.<\/p>\n
"Matthew."<\/p>\n
He repeated it the way I had said it.<\/p>\n
I felt my chest tighten.<\/p>\n
"I guess I do."<\/p>\n
He looked almost embarrassed.<\/p>\n
"I remembered that."<\/p>\n
I had been frightened that nothing familiar remained between us.<\/p>\n
But something did.<\/p>\n
Not enough to make up for eleven years.<\/p>\n
Not enough to answer the questions waiting outside.<\/p>\n
Just the sound of a name.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
And for the first time since entering the room, I smiled without forcing it.<\/p>\n
I wanted to know where Matthew had been. I wanted that answer more than anything. But I could see how carefully he was choosing his words. Every time I asked … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37200,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37206","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37206","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37206"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37206\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37226,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37206\/revisions\/37226"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37200"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37206"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37206"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37206"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}