The next meeting with Matthew was easier.<\/p>\n
Not easy.<\/p>\n
Easier.<\/p>\n
We had already sat together without discussing the disappearance for most of an afternoon.<\/p>\n
That gave me something to build on.<\/p>\n
I arrived with no photograph and no notebook.<\/p>\n
I wanted the time to belong to us.<\/p>\n
Matthew was waiting when I arrived.<\/p>\n
He stood when he saw me, then seemed unsure whether he should sit again.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to stand every time I walk into a room."<\/p>\n
He gave a small, uncertain smile.<\/p>\n
We sat down.<\/p>\n
I asked whether he wanted something to drink.<\/p>\n
He did.<\/p>\n
I ordered two drinks and returned to the table.<\/p>\n
We talked about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
I told him about a meal I had tried to cook and ruined.<\/p>\n
He asked how someone could ruin something so simple.<\/p>\n
I told him that he would be surprised what I could manage.<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
It was brief.<\/p>\n
But it was the first time I had heard him laugh without feeling that I was listening for a sound from the past.<\/p>\n
It was his laugh.<\/p>\n
I did not know what kind of humor he liked.<\/p>\n
I did not know whether he laughed easily with other people.<\/p>\n
I did not know what made him feel comfortable.<\/p>\n
I wanted to learn those things without making him feel observed.<\/p>\n
So I told him another story about myself.<\/p>\n
I let him decide whether it was funny.<\/p>\n
When the conversation slowed, I asked whether he wanted to see the house where I lived.<\/p>\n
He thought about it.<\/p>\n
Then he said he wasn't ready.<\/p>\n
I told him that was fine.<\/p>\n
I meant it.<\/p>\n
There would be no surprise visit.<\/p>\n
No pressure.<\/p>\n
No expectation that he should want to see the place where I had kept his things.<\/p>\n
The house belonged to my life now.<\/p>\n
It did not automatically belong to his.<\/p>\n
We continued talking.<\/p>\n
He asked whether I had kept his room the way it was.<\/p>\n
I hesitated.<\/p>\n
"No. Not exactly."<\/p>\n
I explained that I had kept some of his belongings, but the room had changed over the years.<\/p>\n
I had moved.<\/p>\n
I had needed somewhere to sleep, eat, and live.<\/p>\n
I could not preserve an entire childhood forever.<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he had expected me to say something else.<\/p>\n
I told him that I had kept the red bucket and the stuffed elephant.<\/p>\n
He asked whether the elephant still had the folded ear.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He seemed interested in that.<\/p>\n
I told him that I had tried to repair it once.<\/p>\n
The stitching had never looked right afterward.<\/p>\n
He listened.<\/p>\n
For a moment, we were talking about a toy instead of eleven years.<\/p>\n
I treasured the difference.<\/p>\n
Then he asked whether I had ever blamed Robert.<\/p>\n
The question brought me back to the reason our lives had been interrupted.<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
"Not at first."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
"I blamed myself. Then I accepted the explanation that you had been lost at sea."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"I didn't know enough to blame anyone else."<\/p>\n
Matthew nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
I explained that I had recently begun examining my memories more carefully.<\/p>\n
I had written down what I could remember about Robert's behavior.<\/p>\n
I had spoken with Ramirez.<\/p>\n
I had asked Robert questions directly.<\/p>\n
None of those conversations had given me a complete answer.<\/p>\n
Matthew asked whether I believed Robert had lied.<\/p>\n
I did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I wanted to give him certainty.<\/p>\n
I wanted to tell him that I knew what had happened.<\/p>\n
But I did not.<\/p>\n
"I think there are things I still don't understand."<\/p>\n
He looked down.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to tell you that someone did something unless I have a reason to believe it."<\/p>\n
Matthew's expression tightened.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether he thought I was defending Robert.<\/p>\n
I explained that I was not trying to protect him.<\/p>\n
I was trying to be honest about what I knew.<\/p>\n
"I spent too long accepting an explanation because it was easier than living with the questions. I don't want to do that again."<\/p>\n
Matthew looked at me.<\/p>\n
He did not say anything.<\/p>\n
I let the silence remain.<\/p>\n
After a while, he asked whether I would keep looking into the case.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Even if it takes a long time?"<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Even then."<\/p>\n
He looked away.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether that answer gave him any comfort.<\/p>\n
I could not know.<\/p>\n
We finished our drinks and left together.<\/p>\n
Outside, Matthew asked whether I would call him before our next meeting.<\/p>\n
I told him I would.<\/p>\n
He gave me a number where I could reach him.<\/p>\n
I saved it carefully.<\/p>\n
The number appeared on my screen beside his name.<\/p>\n
I stared at it longer than I should have.<\/p>\n
For eleven years, I had no way to call my son.<\/p>\n
Now I could.<\/p>\n
It was such a small thing.<\/p>\n
It felt enormous.<\/p>\n
When I got home, I wrote the number on a piece of paper and placed it beside my telephone.<\/p>\n
I did not want to lose it.<\/p>\n
Then I called Ramirez.<\/p>\n
I told her that Matthew and I had spoken about Robert.<\/p>\n
She asked whether he had shared anything relevant to the case.<\/p>\n
I explained that he had asked whether I believed Robert had lied.<\/p>\n
I told her that I had answered honestly.<\/p>\n
Ramirez said that I should continue to avoid pressuring Matthew.<\/p>\n
I agreed.<\/p>\n
She told me that she would contact me if there were developments.<\/p>\n
After the call, I sat at the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
The red bucket was still there.<\/p>\n
I had moved it away from the edge because I kept knocking against it when I passed.<\/p>\n
I picked it up and placed it on a shelf.<\/p>\n
It was no longer something I needed to see every time I entered the kitchen.<\/p>\n
I could remember Matthew without keeping the bucket in front of me.<\/p>\n
That felt like progress.<\/p>\n
I opened the notebook.<\/p>\n
I wrote down the date of our meeting.<\/p>\n
I recorded the questions we had discussed, but I did not write down my guesses about what Matthew's expressions meant.<\/p>\n
I had learned that I could misread a silence.<\/p>\n
I could mistake hesitation for anger.<\/p>\n
I could mistake a brief smile for forgiveness.<\/p>\n
I did not want to turn every moment into evidence of something I hoped was true.<\/p>\n
When I finished, I closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
Then I looked at the telephone.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether Matthew would call me.<\/p>\n
I decided not to wait beside it.<\/p>\n
I made dinner.<\/p>\n
I washed the dishes.<\/p>\n
I went to bed.<\/p>\n
The next morning, his message was waiting.<\/p>\n
He had asked whether we could meet again the following week.<\/p>\n
I read it twice.<\/p>\n
Then I replied that I would be there.<\/p>\n
I put the telephone down and sat quietly for a moment.<\/p>\n
I was still afraid of what the investigation might uncover.<\/p>\n
I was still uncertain about Robert.<\/p>\n
I still had no explanation for the years my son had been missing.<\/p>\n
But I had something I had not possessed in eleven years.<\/p>\n
A future meeting with Matthew.<\/p>\n
I decided to give that the attention it deserved.<\/p>\n
The next meeting with Matthew was easier. Not easy. Easier. We had already sat together without discussing the disappearance for most of an afternoon. That gave me something to build … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":37124,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-37139","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37139","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37139"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37139\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":37159,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37139\/revisions\/37159"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/37124"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37139"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37139"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37139"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}