I stayed beside Ethan until he began to relax against me.<\/p>\n
The house was quieter now, but I couldn't settle into the quiet.<\/p>\n
Every time I thought the officers might be finished, someone moved through the hallway or spoke near the entrance.<\/p>\n
I kept looking toward the door.<\/p>\n
Ethan noticed.<\/p>\n
"Are they leaving?"<\/p>\n
"I don't know yet."<\/p>\n
He pulled his sleeves over his hands.<\/p>\n
I wanted to give him a better answer, but I had promised myself I wouldn't pretend to know something simply because he wanted reassurance.<\/p>\n
I was learning how difficult that promise could be.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez came back into the living room and asked whether Ethan needed anything before they continued.<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
She turned toward me and asked whether I was comfortable answering a few more questions.<\/p>\n
I said yes.<\/p>\n
She sat across from us.<\/p>\n
Her notebook was open, and the pen rested between her fingers.<\/p>\n
I had begun to recognize those small movements.<\/p>\n
Whenever she wrote something down, I wondered whether it would help us understand what had happened.<\/p>\n
Whenever she paused, I wondered whether she had reached a question she couldn't yet answer.<\/p>\n
I knew that was not a fair way to judge her work.<\/p>\n
Still, I couldn't stop myself.<\/p>\n
She asked whether I remembered anything else about the barber's reaction.<\/p>\n
I thought about the moment he had moved behind Ethan's chair.<\/p>\n
The clippers had been buzzing.<\/p>\n
I had been looking at my phone.<\/p>\n
Then the sound stopped.<\/p>\n
I remembered looking up and seeing the barber examining the area behind my son's ear.<\/p>\n
I remembered asking what was wrong.<\/p>\n
I remembered his hesitation before answering.<\/p>\n
That hesitation had stayed with me more clearly than anything else.<\/p>\n
"I don't think he expected me to be concerned," I said.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez looked up.<\/p>\n
"What makes you say that?"<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
"I don't know. He seemed to be trying to decide how to tell me something."<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
That was an impression, not a fact.<\/p>\n
I explained that I couldn't be certain what he had been thinking.<\/p>\n
The detective thanked me for clarifying.<\/p>\n
She asked whether the barber had touched the area while examining it.<\/p>\n
I described what I remembered.<\/p>\n
I didn't add anything I hadn't seen.<\/p>\n
Then she asked whether Ethan had reacted as though he felt pain.<\/p>\n
I said he hadn't told me that it hurt.<\/p>\n
I couldn't speak for what he might have felt at the time.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez made a note.<\/p>\n
I looked toward Ethan.<\/p>\n
He was watching us.<\/p>\n
I wondered whether listening to adults discuss him made him feel as if he were no longer part of his own life.<\/p>\n
I turned toward him.<\/p>\n
"You can tell us if you need a break."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
The detective paused to give him a moment.<\/p>\n
Then she asked whether he remembered the barber doing anything that made him uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
Ethan stared at the carpet.<\/p>\n
"I don't remember anything."<\/p>\n
She didn't challenge him.<\/p>\n
She asked whether he understood the question.<\/p>\n
He said yes.<\/p>\n
Then he repeated that he didn't remember.<\/p>\n
I felt my fingers tighten around his hand.<\/p>\n
I loosened them immediately.<\/p>\n
I didn't want him to think I was disappointed in his answer.<\/p>\n
The detective thanked him and moved on.<\/p>\n
I was grateful that she didn't make his silence into a problem he had to fix.<\/p>\n
Afterward, Ethan leaned closer to me.<\/p>\n
"Did I answer right?"<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"There isn't a special answer you're supposed to give. Just tell the truth about what you remember."<\/p>\n
He seemed to think about that.<\/p>\n
"But what if I don't remember?"<\/p>\n
"Then you say you don't remember."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
I hoped he believed me.<\/p>\n
I had spent the afternoon trying to make sense of the things he couldn't explain.<\/p>\n
Now I understood that my need for an answer could make him feel responsible for providing one.<\/p>\n
I didn't want that.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez asked me whether I had spoken with anyone else about the concern.<\/p>\n
I said I hadn't.<\/p>\n
I had spoken with the barber, brought Ethan home, and then dealt with the officers.<\/p>\n
There had been no opportunity to ask other people what they thought.<\/p>\n
She asked me not to rely on guesses from others if conversations took place later.<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
I didn't want rumors to shape what I remembered.<\/p>\n
The detective explained that the information needed to be assessed carefully.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
Then I asked whether there was anything about the situation that I should be doing differently while we waited.<\/p>\n
She told me to follow the guidance the officers provided and to keep Ethan's needs in mind.<\/p>\n
I wrote that down.<\/p>\n
My notes were becoming longer, but the answers remained limited.<\/p>\n
I couldn't tell whether that should have comforted me.<\/p>\n
At least I was no longer confusing my fears with information.<\/p>\n
That was something.<\/p>\n
Ethan asked whether he could have his favorite blanket.<\/p>\n
I brought it from his room.<\/p>\n
He wrapped it around his shoulders and curled up at one end of the couch.<\/p>\n
The blanket had a loose thread near the corner.<\/p>\n
He had worried it between his fingers for years.<\/p>\n
I had told him many times not to pull at it.<\/p>\n
That evening, I let him.<\/p>\n
I sat beside him and watched his fingers move.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I remembered him as a much younger child, small enough to fall asleep against my chest.<\/p>\n
I had believed that being his mother meant I would always know when something was wrong.<\/p>\n
Now I understood that I could love him completely and still miss something important.<\/p>\n
That didn't mean I should stop paying attention.<\/p>\n
It meant I had to pay attention without assuming I already understood.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez stood and spoke briefly with another officer.<\/p>\n
I couldn't hear their conversation.<\/p>\n
I didn't try.<\/p>\n
I had reached the point where listening to every sound only made my imagination work harder.<\/p>\n
Instead, I looked at Ethan.<\/p>\n
His eyes were half closed.<\/p>\n
He was exhausted.<\/p>\n
I asked whether he wanted to lie down for a while.<\/p>\n
He shook his head.<\/p>\n
"Can I stay here with you?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
He settled back against my shoulder.<\/p>\n
I held him quietly.<\/p>\n
The clock above the television ticked.<\/p>\n
I thought about how many times I had sat in that room before, worrying about ordinary things.<\/p>\n
Bills.<\/p>\n
School schedules.<\/p>\n
What to make for dinner.<\/p>\n
Whether Ethan needed new shoes.<\/p>\n
I had considered those worries burdensome.<\/p>\n
Now I would have welcomed any of them.<\/p>\n
I would have welcomed a normal evening in which the only decision I needed to make was whether to wash his hair before bedtime.<\/p>\n
Instead, I was waiting for someone to explain why a barber had become concerned about my son.<\/p>\n
I couldn't force that explanation to arrive.<\/p>\n
I couldn't make it more likely by worrying harder.<\/p>\n
I could only remain available when someone needed information.<\/p>\n
I could keep my memories honest.<\/p>\n
And I could keep reminding Ethan that he wasn't responsible for the adults' uncertainty.<\/p>\n
Detective Alvarez returned and told me that she would update me when she had something concrete to share.<\/p>\n
I thanked her.<\/p>\n
I didn't ask her to promise a time.<\/p>\n
I had learned that a promise made without enough information would only give me another thing to fear when it wasn't fulfilled.<\/p>\n
She moved away.<\/p>\n
Ethan opened his eyes.<\/p>\n
"Is it over?"<\/p>\n
"Not yet."<\/p>\n
He looked disappointed.<\/p>\n
I rubbed his shoulder.<\/p>\n
"But we're still here together."<\/p>\n
He nodded and closed his eyes again.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the entrance one more time.<\/p>\n
The door was closed now.<\/p>\n
The radio sounds had become less frequent.<\/p>\n
For the first time in hours, I allowed myself to sit without trying to anticipate what would happen next.<\/p>\n
I didn't know what the next question would be.<\/p>\n
I didn't know whether the answer would come that evening.<\/p>\n
I knew only that Ethan was beside me, holding his blanket, and that I could still make him feel less alone.<\/p>\n
For now, that was what I did.<\/p>\n
I stayed beside Ethan until he began to relax against me. The house was quieter now, but I couldn't settle into the quiet. Every time I thought the officers might … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":36878,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36887","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36887","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36887"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36887\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36907,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36887\/revisions\/36907"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/36878"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36887"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36887"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36887"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}