Dererick took a moment before speaking.<\/p>\n
I watched him sit with the question he had put off for so long.<\/p>\n
The room was quiet enough that I could hear a car passing outside.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to begin.<\/p>\n
I also wanted a few more seconds in which nothing had changed.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cThe gloves were mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know they were yours. I saw you put them on.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean, they weren't something you imagined or mistook for something else.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did not know what to do with that answer.<\/p>\n
Part of me had wanted him to deny what I saw so that I could finally stop wondering whether my memory had betrayed me.<\/p>\n
Another part had dreaded that possibility.<\/p>\n
He was confirming the details.<\/p>\n
He was not yet explaining them.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd the bag?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was mine too.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt a short, bitter laugh rise in my throat, but I held it back.<\/p>\n
\u201cDererick, I know you had a bag. I want to know why you were carrying it around our bedroom in the middle of the night.\u201d<\/p>\n
He lowered his eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou're right.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He looked up again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn't trying to frighten you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt my hands tighten together.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn't answer my question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d he said. \u201cIt doesn't.\u201d<\/p>\n
For once, he did not try to make the answer sound complete when it was not.<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas there a reason you didn't want me to see what you were doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word seemed to change the air in the room.<\/p>\n
I had spent so long wondering whether he was hiding something that hearing him admit it did not bring relief.<\/p>\n
It made the fear more real.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat was it?\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his palms together.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was dealing with something privately, and I handled it badly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat were you dealing with?\u201d<\/p>\n
He started to answer, then stopped.<\/p>\n
I looked at him carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you need a moment, take one. But please don't give me another answer that leaves me in exactly the same place.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was tired of hearing those words.<\/p>\n
I wanted to believe he understood.<\/p>\n
I needed him to show me that he did.<\/p>\n
He leaned back against the sofa and looked toward the dark television.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I could keep it separate from our life at home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means I thought I could deal with it without involving you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt my face grow warm.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't get to decide that something affecting our home is none of my concern just because you would rather deal with it alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I shook my head.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease stop saying that unless you're going to explain what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
He fell silent.<\/p>\n
I could see that my words had hurt him.<\/p>\n
For once, I did not rush to soften them.<\/p>\n
I had spent too much time worrying about his discomfort while carrying my own fear alone.<\/p>\n
He took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought I was protecting you from something I hadn't figured out how to handle.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cProtecting me from what?\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I felt the old impulse return, the urge to fill the silence with explanations of my own.<\/p>\n
Maybe the bag contained something dangerous.<\/p>\n
Maybe he had been trying to clean something.<\/p>\n
Maybe the tea and the gloves were connected.<\/p>\n
I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
Those were guesses.<\/p>\n
I had promised myself I would not mistake fear for knowledge.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me what you actually know,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He nodded once.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down at his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI should have talked to you when this began. Instead, I convinced myself that keeping quiet was easier.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did it begin?\u201d<\/p>\n
He paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore you saw me that night.\u201d<\/p>\n
The answer unsettled me.<\/p>\n
I had assumed the strange behavior was something that had happened without warning, something I had stumbled upon by accident.<\/p>\n
Now he was telling me there was a history I did not know.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long before?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA while.\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes briefly.<\/p>\n
\u201cDererick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that's vague.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's more than vague. It tells me almost nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked genuinely uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to keep doing that to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don't.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, neither of us spoke.<\/p>\n
I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.<\/p>\n
I had wanted an explanation, but I was beginning to understand that the first honest conversation would not necessarily make me feel safe.<\/p>\n
It might only reveal how much had been missing from the life I thought I understood.<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas the tea part of this?\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not answer quickly enough.<\/p>\n
That hesitation frightened me more than anything he had said so far.<\/p>\n
\u201cDererick, look at me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did.<\/p>\n
\u201cWas the tea part of what you were hiding?\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to answer that carefully.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You need to answer it honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am trying to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen tell me whether I should be worried about what you gave me to drink.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face changed.<\/p>\n
For the first time that evening, he seemed to understand the question I had been carrying beneath every other question.<\/p>\n
He leaned forward.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to be afraid of your food or your drinks because of me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat's not an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
He looked away, then back at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have not given you a reason to think I wanted to hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt cold all over.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn't what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
He did not speak.<\/p>\n
I waited, forcing myself not to turn his silence into proof of the worst possibility.<\/p>\n
Finally, he said, \u201cI did not put anything in your tea to hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I held his gaze.<\/p>\n
The words should have reassured me.<\/p>\n
They did not answer every question.<\/p>\n
But they were clear enough that I could at least ask the next one.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you put anything in it that you didn't tell me about?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down again.<\/p>\n
I felt the room grow very still.<\/p>\n
I had not expected the conversation to become easy.<\/p>\n
I had not expected him to explain everything in a few sentences.<\/p>\n
But I had expected him to understand why this particular question mattered.<\/p>\n
He took a long breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to tell you the whole story,\u201d he said. \u201cNot give you pieces of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen do that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat back.<\/p>\n
He moved to the edge of the sofa, his hands clasped together.<\/p>\n
For the first time since I had seen him with the bag, I did not feel the need to watch the bedroom door or check the time.<\/p>\n
I was watching my husband.<\/p>\n
I was listening to his words.<\/p>\n
I was trying to decide whether he was finally ready to tell me the truth.<\/p>\n
He began again, more slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are things I should have told you before that night. I kept putting them off because I thought I could sort them out myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told myself I was keeping the problem away from you. But every time I delayed, it became harder to explain why I hadn't told you earlier.\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood that feeling.<\/p>\n
I had been doing something similar with my fear.<\/p>\n
Every day I stayed silent made the next conversation harder.<\/p>\n
That did not excuse what he had done.<\/p>\n
It did help me understand how silence could grow into something that seemed impossible to undo.<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't expect you to trust me just because I'm finally talking.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt my eyes sting.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know I have to answer your questions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cYou do.\u201d<\/p>\n
We sat in silence for a moment.<\/p>\n
Then he told me he would show me the things he had been keeping out of sight.<\/p>\n
I felt a wave of apprehension.<\/p>\n
\u201cTonight?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you're ready.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought about the gloves.<\/p>\n
The black bag.<\/p>\n
The tea.<\/p>\n
I thought about how many nights I had spent trying to decide whether I should be afraid of my own husband.<\/p>\n
I was not ready in the sense that I felt calm.<\/p>\n
I was not ready in the sense that I trusted him.<\/p>\n
But I was ready to stop guessing.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cI want to see.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dererick stood.<\/p>\n
I stayed seated for a moment, listening to the sound of his footsteps as he left the living room.<\/p>\n
Then I got up and followed him.<\/p>\n
I did not know what he was going to show me.<\/p>\n
I did know that, for once, I had asked a direct question and was waiting for an answer instead of trying to discover it in the dark.<\/p>\n
Dererick took a moment before speaking. I watched him sit with the question he had put off for so long. The room was quiet enough that I could hear a … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":36711,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36729","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36729","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36729"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36729\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36749,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36729\/revisions\/36749"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/36711"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36729"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36729"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36729"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}