The following day, I woke with the same question, but I did not feel the same urgency to chase it through every room.<\/p>\n
I knew what I had seen.<\/p>\n
I knew what I had asked.<\/p>\n
I knew Dererick had said he needed more time.<\/p>\n
Those facts were enough for the morning.<\/p>\n
They were not enough to settle my fear, but I stopped demanding that they do so.<\/p>\n
I got dressed and went downstairs.<\/p>\n
The kitchen was quiet.<\/p>\n
I filled the kettle with water, then paused with my hand on the switch.<\/p>\n
For a moment, I considered making tea.<\/p>\n
The thought felt strange because I had spent so long avoiding it.<\/p>\n
I did not know whether I wanted the drink or wanted to prove that I could still make it without being afraid.<\/p>\n
Those were not the same thing.<\/p>\n
I put the kettle back down.<\/p>\n
Then I made myself breakfast.<\/p>\n
I did not treat the decision as a victory.<\/p>\n
I had no need to turn every ordinary choice into a test of my courage.<\/p>\n
After eating, I washed my plate and opened the kitchen window a little.<\/p>\n
Cool air moved into the room.<\/p>\n
I stood there for a while, looking at the counter and the cupboards.<\/p>\n
The house seemed less crowded when I allowed the objects to be what they were.<\/p>\n
A mug was a mug.<\/p>\n
A drawer was a drawer.<\/p>\n
A bag was a bag, even if I did not know why Dererick had carried it.<\/p>\n
I could not make those things harmless by naming them plainly.<\/p>\n
But I could stop making them into answers they had never given me.<\/p>\n
The morning passed without much happening.<\/p>\n
I folded laundry and returned the towels to the cupboard.<\/p>\n
I cleaned a small mark from the hallway wall.<\/p>\n
I watered a plant that had begun to droop near the window.<\/p>\n
These were small things, but they belonged to my life.<\/p>\n
I did not want fear to take them away from me.<\/p>\n
At midday, I sat down with my book again.<\/p>\n
I read several pages before noticing that I had lost track of the story.<\/p>\n
I smiled at myself.<\/p>\n
For days, I had been unable to focus on anything for more than a few minutes.<\/p>\n
Now, at least, I could see what was happening.<\/p>\n
I closed the book and made lunch.<\/p>\n
I did not punish myself for being distracted.<\/p>\n
I ate, washed my plate, and went outside.<\/p>\n
The sky was bright, and the street was quiet.<\/p>\n
I stood in the doorway and listened to the sounds from nearby homes.<\/p>\n
Someone was talking.<\/p>\n
A gate clicked shut.<\/p>\n
A vehicle passed and faded into the distance.<\/p>\n
The world had not changed because I was afraid.<\/p>\n
That should have been obvious, but I had needed to feel it.<\/p>\n
When I came back inside, I opened the cupboard to put away a glass.<\/p>\n
The chipped mug caught my eye.<\/p>\n
I took it down.<\/p>\n
I held it in both hands and turned it slowly.<\/p>\n
I remembered the tea cooling in it while I stood in the kitchen, waiting for Dererick to leave the room.<\/p>\n
I remembered pouring it into the sink.<\/p>\n
I remembered the faint line that remained after I rinsed it.<\/p>\n
For a long time, I had thought of that moment as the point when I began protecting myself.<\/p>\n
Now I could see another part of it.<\/p>\n
I had been frightened, and I had acted without telling him what I was afraid of.<\/p>\n
I was not ashamed of trying to feel safe.<\/p>\n
I was ashamed of how completely I had withdrawn into my own guesses.<\/p>\n
I could not change that night.<\/p>\n
I could decide what I did with the next one.<\/p>\n
I washed the mug and set it on the drying rack.<\/p>\n
Then I went back to my book.<\/p>\n
When Dererick came home that evening, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner.<\/p>\n
He set down his keys and came over to see what I was making.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat smells good,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt's nothing complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStill smells good.\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
For a moment, the exchange felt like one of our old evenings.<\/p>\n
I did not try to decide whether that meant anything.<\/p>\n
He washed his hands and offered to help.<\/p>\n
I asked him to cut the vegetables.<\/p>\n
We worked side by side.<\/p>\n
I noticed his hands, of course.<\/p>\n
I had become too aware of them not to.<\/p>\n
But I also noticed the way he held the knife, the way he pushed the chopped pieces into a neat pile, and the way he moved the board closer to me when he finished.<\/p>\n
I let those details exist without turning them into proof of innocence or guilt.<\/p>\n
We ate dinner at the table.<\/p>\n
Halfway through the meal, Dererick put down his fork.<\/p>\n
\u201cI've been thinking about what you said.\u201d<\/p>\n
My stomach tightened.<\/p>\n
I placed my fork beside my plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to think I'm ignoring it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't think you're ignoring it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you believe that?\u201d<\/p>\n
I considered the question.<\/p>\n
\u201cI believe you know it's important to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
He looked toward the kitchen, then back at his plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cI still need to work out how to explain it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt disappointment, but I did not let it become anger before I understood it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat makes it difficult to explain?\u201d<\/p>\n
He pressed his lips together.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to say something badly and make things worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot saying anything is making things difficult, too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his hands together once, then rested them on the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hear you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I wanted more than that.<\/p>\n
I wanted a clear answer about the gloves and the bag.<\/p>\n
But I could see that repeating the same question would not necessarily produce one.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm not asking you to have perfect words,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was not sure he did.<\/p>\n
Still, I had told him something true, and he had listened.<\/p>\n
That mattered, even if it did not settle anything.<\/p>\n
We finished dinner.<\/p>\n
I washed the dishes while he dried them.<\/p>\n
He did not offer tea afterward.<\/p>\n
I did not ask why.<\/p>\n
The kitchen routine continued, and I found myself feeling tired rather than frightened.<\/p>\n
There was a difference.<\/p>\n
Fear made every moment feel urgent.<\/p>\n
Tiredness told me I had been carrying too much for too long.<\/p>\n
I wanted to rest without pretending that rest would solve the problem.<\/p>\n
When we went upstairs, I changed into my nightclothes and sat on the edge of the bed.<\/p>\n
Dererick was in the bathroom brushing his teeth.<\/p>\n
The light shone beneath the door.<\/p>\n
I heard the tap run.<\/p>\n
For a moment, the sound returned me to the night when I had poured out the tea.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the dresser.<\/p>\n
The room was still.<\/p>\n
I did not get up to inspect it.<\/p>\n
I did not search for the bag.<\/p>\n
I did not listen for a snap that might or might not come.<\/p>\n
I was not refusing to pay attention.<\/p>\n
I was refusing to make fear my only form of attention.<\/p>\n
Dererick came back into the bedroom and put his phone on the bedside table.<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou okay?\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought about giving him the easy answer.<\/p>\n
Then I decided to be more honest.<\/p>\n
\u201cI'm still worried.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sat beside me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want to keep guessing.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked down at his hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't want you to have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a moment, I felt hope.<\/p>\n
Then I reminded myself that hope was not an answer either.<\/p>\n
But it was something I could feel without being ashamed of it.<\/p>\n
We got into bed.<\/p>\n
He reached for my hand, and I let him take it.<\/p>\n
I did not pretend that everything was fine.<\/p>\n
I did not pull away just to prove that I was still afraid.<\/p>\n
I lay beside him and allowed the uncertainty to remain where it was.<\/p>\n
It was not comfortable.<\/p>\n
It was simply honest.<\/p>\n
The following day, I woke with the same question, but I did not feel the same urgency to chase it through every room. I knew what I had seen. I … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":36711,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36726","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36726","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36726"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36726\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36746,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36726\/revisions\/36746"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/36711"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36726"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36726"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36726"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}