We sat down a few minutes later.<\/p>\n
I had made enough food for a much larger gathering, although there were only three of us.<\/p>\n
That was another habit I had picked up.<\/p>\n
Prepare too much.<\/p>\n
Do too much.<\/p>\n
Make sure nobody had a reason to complain.<\/p>\n
I had roasted vegetables, prepared the main dish, and set out a bowl of salad that I had barely touched while cooking.<\/p>\n
My father thanked me before taking his seat.<\/p>\n
Derek complimented the food.<\/p>\n
I said I was glad they liked it.<\/p>\n
Everything was polite.<\/p>\n
Everything was normal.<\/p>\n
I kept waiting for my father to ask about my face again.<\/p>\n
He didn't.<\/p>\n
Instead, he asked about my job.<\/p>\n
I told him about a project I had been working on and mentioned a problem that had taken me several days to resolve.<\/p>\n
He listened closely and asked a few questions.<\/p>\n
For a little while, I almost forgot why I was nervous.<\/p>\n
Then Derek reached across the table for a serving dish.<\/p>\n
His hand brushed mine.<\/p>\n
I flinched.<\/p>\n
It was a small movement.<\/p>\n
I barely realized I had done it until I saw my father look up.<\/p>\n
Derek continued serving himself as though nothing had happened.<\/p>\n
I picked up my fork.<\/p>\n
My fingers were trembling slightly.<\/p>\n
I pressed them against the handle until they steadied.<\/p>\n
My father returned to the conversation, but I noticed that he was watching me more carefully now.<\/p>\n
He asked how work had been lately.<\/p>\n
I said it was fine.<\/p>\n
He asked whether I had been sleeping well.<\/p>\n
I told him I had been busy.<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
Then he asked whether Derek and I had been getting much time together.<\/p>\n
Derek answered before I could.<\/p>\n
"We've both had a lot going on."<\/p>\n
He smiled at my father.<\/p>\n
"Nothing we can't handle."<\/p>\n
My father glanced at me.<\/p>\n
I looked down at my plate.<\/p>\n
I hated how easily Derek could speak for both of us.<\/p>\n
I hated that I let him.<\/p>\n
There had been a time when I corrected him whenever he misunderstood something I had said.<\/p>\n
I used to insist on finishing my own sentences.<\/p>\n
I used to believe that being married meant I could disagree without having to prepare for the consequences.<\/p>\n
I couldn't remember exactly when I had stopped expecting that.<\/p>\n
Perhaps it had happened gradually.<\/p>\n
One argument at a time.<\/p>\n
One apology that wasn't really an apology.<\/p>\n
One evening when I decided that keeping quiet was easier than explaining why I was hurt.<\/p>\n
By the time I understood what was happening, silence had become my first response to almost everything.<\/p>\n
My father asked about the cake.<\/p>\n
I looked toward the kitchen.<\/p>\n
"It's waiting for us."<\/p>\n
"Strawberry?"<\/p>\n
I smiled despite myself.<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
"You've been making that since you were little."<\/p>\n
"I remember."<\/p>\n
He shook his head with a faint smile.<\/p>\n
"You used to put so many strawberries on top that there wasn't any room for the frosting."<\/p>\n
"I was very serious about the strawberries."<\/p>\n
"You certainly were."<\/p>\n
For a moment, I was a child again.<\/p>\n
I could almost see the old kitchen where I had stood on a chair to reach the counter, carefully arranging fruit while my father pretended not to notice how much frosting I had eaten.<\/p>\n
I remembered his hands helping me carry the cake to the table.<\/p>\n
I remembered him telling me that birthdays were supposed to be enjoyed, not managed.<\/p>\n
The memory hurt in a way I hadn't expected.<\/p>\n
I had spent the entire day managing everything.<\/p>\n
The cake.<\/p>\n
The dinner.<\/p>\n
The makeup.<\/p>\n
Derek's mood.<\/p>\n
My father's expectations.<\/p>\n
My own fear.<\/p>\n
I had managed so many things that I had forgotten the simplest one.<\/p>\n
It was my birthday.<\/p>\n
I was allowed to be happy.<\/p>\n
Or at least, I had once believed I was.<\/p>\n
Derek interrupted the conversation to ask my father about something at work.<\/p>\n
My father answered.<\/p>\n
They discussed it for several minutes, and I used the time to take a sip of water.<\/p>\n
The glass touched my lower lip.<\/p>\n
I set it down carefully.<\/p>\n
I was trying not to think about the argument that had happened before dinner.<\/p>\n
I was trying not to remember how the bruise had appeared.<\/p>\n
I was trying not to notice that Derek seemed more relaxed with every minute that passed.<\/p>\n
He believed the evening was going well.<\/p>\n
My father hadn't confronted him.<\/p>\n
I hadn't said anything.<\/p>\n
The food was good, and the conversation had stayed pleasant.<\/p>\n
As far as Derek was concerned, the problem had been handled.<\/p>\n
I could see it in the way he leaned back in his chair.<\/p>\n
I could hear it in the ease of his laughter.<\/p>\n
He had decided that nothing would happen.<\/p>\n
And because he had decided it, I was expected to accept it too.<\/p>\n
My father asked me another question.<\/p>\n
I didn't hear the beginning of it.<\/p>\n
"Sorry?"<\/p>\n
"I asked whether you were enjoying yourself."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
He wasn't smiling now.<\/p>\n
The question had been simple, but I couldn't answer it honestly.<\/p>\n
I glanced at Derek.<\/p>\n
He was looking at me.<\/p>\n
Not openly threatening.<\/p>\n
Not angry enough for anyone else to notice.<\/p>\n
Just waiting.<\/p>\n
I turned back to my father.<\/p>\n
"Yes," I said.<\/p>\n
The word felt like something I had swallowed without chewing.<\/p>\n
My father put down his fork.<\/p>\n
I noticed the sound because everything else had gone quiet inside my head.<\/p>\n
He looked at me for several seconds.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to look away.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to ask about the food again or make another joke about the cake.<\/p>\n
I wanted him to give me another chance to pretend.<\/p>\n
Instead, he spoke softly.<\/p>\n
"Emily, look at me."<\/p>\n
I lifted my eyes.<\/p>\n
He studied my face.<\/p>\n
I could feel the concealer sitting heavily on my skin.<\/p>\n
I could feel the swelling beneath it.<\/p>\n
I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.<\/p>\n
My father had spent years teaching me that I never needed to hide from him.<\/p>\n
Now I was sitting across from him, doing everything I could to hide the truth.<\/p>\n
He didn't ask another question.<\/p>\n
He didn't reach across the table.<\/p>\n
He didn't make a scene.<\/p>\n
He simply looked at me, and I realized that the makeup had never been the only thing I was afraid he would see.<\/p>\n
I was afraid he would see how accustomed I had become to being frightened.<\/p>\n
We sat down a few minutes later. I had made enough food for a much larger gathering, although there were only three of us. That was another habit I had … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":36588,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-36591","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36591","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=36591"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36591\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":36611,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/36591\/revisions\/36611"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/36588"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=36591"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=36591"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=36591"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}