At 10:17 on a wet Tuesday morning, I looked up from a patient chart and saw the two people I had spent the previous year teaching myself not to think about.<\/p>\n
Connor Fleming stood beside the pediatric waiting area at St. Andrews Memorial Hospital, one hand resting on a stroller and the other gripping the strap of an expensive diaper bag. Beside him was Melinda Travis, my former best friend. A little boy sat between them beneath a soft blue blanket, reaching sleepily for a stuffed giraffe clipped to the stroller bar.<\/p>\n
For one suspended second, every sound around me seemed to move farther away. A telephone rang behind the nurses' station. Rubber wheels squeaked against polished flooring. Rain ticked softly against the tall windows. Somewhere down the corridor, a child protested loudly about getting a shot.<\/p>\n
I stayed where I was.<\/p>\n
A year earlier, I might have turned around. I might have found another corridor, another elevator, another excuse to escape before either of them noticed me.<\/p>\n
That woman no longer existed.<\/p>\n
\u201cDr. Sinclair?\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced toward Nora, one of the pediatric nurses. She had been following my gaze and now wore the careful expression medical professionals use when they sense a personal emergency they have no intention of intruding upon.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou all right?\u201d<\/p>\n
I shifted the tablet against my hip. \u201cYes. Just saw someone I wasn't expecting.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nora looked toward Connor, then back at me. Recognition flickered across her face. She knew enough about my divorce to understand.<\/p>\n
Before she could say anything else, Connor turned.<\/p>\n
His expression changed immediately.<\/p>\n
I recognized that smile. It had appeared across restaurant tables whenever he thought he had trapped me in an argument, at parties when he told a story at my expense, and during the final months of our marriage when everything between us had become a contest he was determined to win.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d he called, much too loudly. \u201cThere she is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Several people looked up.<\/p>\n
Melinda followed his gaze.<\/p>\n
Her reaction was different.<\/p>\n
She stiffened.<\/p>\n
Her fingers closed more firmly around the baby bottle she was holding, and her eyes met mine for barely a second before dropping to the stroller.<\/p>\n
I walked toward them because pretending I had not heard would have felt more humiliating than anything Connor could say.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, Connor.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked me over, taking in my white coat, navy dress, hospital identification badge and the tablet tucked beneath my arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cKirsten.\u201d His grin widened. \u201cIt has been a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlmost a year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou've been counting?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
That landed badly.<\/p>\n
He had expected nervousness. Perhaps anger. Certainly something dramatic enough to confirm that he still occupied important territory inside my head.<\/p>\n
Instead, I looked at the child.<\/p>\n
He was beautiful in the careless way babies usually are\u2014soft cheeks, pale hair curling near his ears, clear blue eyes fixed on the giraffe. None of the ugliness surrounding him belonged to him.<\/p>\n
Melinda pulled the blanket higher over his legs.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is Noah,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Her voice was quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello, Noah.\u201d<\/p>\n
Connor gave a short laugh. \u201cYou're surprisingly composed.\u201d<\/p>\n
I lifted my eyes to him. \u201cWas I supposed to be otherwise?\u201d<\/p>\n
His smile tightened.<\/p>\n
There had been a time when Connor could change the temperature of an entire evening simply by entering a room irritated. I would notice how he placed his keys on the counter, whether his shoulders were tense, how hard he closed a cabinet. I had spent years studying him in order to prevent arguments he later insisted I had caused.<\/p>\n
Divorce had cured me of that reflex.<\/p>\n
He tilted his head. \u201cStill living at the hospital, I see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI work here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course I did.<\/p>\n
My career had been one of his favorite weapons. When we married, he admired my ambition. He introduced me as \u201cthe doctor\u201d at every dinner and networking event. Later, whenever he wanted something I would not give him, the same career became evidence that I was cold, absent, selfish or incapable of understanding what a husband needed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always did choose work over everything else,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
Melinda shifted beside him. \u201cConnor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d He glanced at her. \u201cWe're just catching up.\u201d<\/p>\n
We were not.<\/p>\n
The couple sitting nearest the windows had gone silent. A man holding a coffee cup stared very deliberately at his phone. Nora disappeared behind the nurses' station, though I could tell from the set of her shoulders that she was listening.<\/p>\n
Connor enjoyed audiences.<\/p>\n
He always had.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo,\u201d he said, drawing out the word. \u201cHow is life?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust good?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery good.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer irritated him more.<\/p>\n
His gaze slid toward the stroller.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, mine has changed quite a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can see that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He placed a hand on the stroller handle with exaggerated casualness.<\/p>\n
\u201cLeaving you turned out to be the best decision I ever made.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not spontaneous. Not careless.<\/p>\n
Prepared.<\/p>\n
I could almost imagine him rehearsing it.<\/p>\n
Melinda's face colored.<\/p>\n
\u201cConnor, don't.\u201d<\/p>\n
He ignored her.<\/p>\n
The years between us compressed into one familiar pattern: Connor deciding that my discomfort was proof of his strength, Connor speaking more cruelly whenever he sensed other people watching, Connor needing the final word.<\/p>\n
He looked toward Noah with the pride of a man unveiling a prize.<\/p>\n
\u201cI finally have a family.\u201d<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
His eyes sharpened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou remember all those specialists? All those appointments? All that money?\u201d<\/p>\n
My fingers tightened once around the tablet.<\/p>\n
Seven years.<\/p>\n
Seven years of blood tests, ultrasounds, consultations, medications, calendar calculations and private grief. Seven years of telling ourselves next month might be different.<\/p>\n
I remembered sitting in fertility clinics beneath framed photographs of smiling babies sent by former patients. I remembered walking to the parking garage after appointments because I could not bear to cry where pregnant women might see me.<\/p>\n
I remembered Connor beside me.<\/p>\n
Or what I had believed was Connor beside me.<\/p>\n
Back then I thought our disappointment belonged equally to both of us.<\/p>\n
After the divorce, I learned how unequal almost everything in our marriage had been.<\/p>\n
Connor leaned closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cSome women just aren't meant to have children.\u201d<\/p>\n
Melinda's head snapped toward him. \u201cThat's enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
His mouth curved.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou used to hate hearing that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI used to believe a lot of things.\u201d<\/p>\n
For the first time, something uncertain entered his expression.<\/p>\n
It vanished quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I was lucky,\u201d he said. \u201cMelinda gave me what you couldn't.\u201d<\/p>\n
He touched the stroller.<\/p>\n
\u201cA son.\u201d<\/p>\n
The waiting area became strangely still.<\/p>\n
I could feel people pretending not to listen.<\/p>\n
Melinda's knuckles had gone white around the bottle.<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
She still would not meet my eyes.<\/p>\n
That bothered me more than Connor's performance.<\/p>\n
Melinda had known me since medical school. She had sat at my kitchen table after failed treatments. She had held my hand once while I cried so hard I could barely speak. When my marriage began falling apart, she was the friend who told me I deserved honesty.<\/p>\n
Months later, I learned she had been sleeping with my husband.<\/p>\n
Her betrayal had hurt differently from his.<\/p>\n
Connor had already trained me to expect cruelty.<\/p>\n
I had expected loyalty from Melinda.<\/p>\n
The baby made a small sound, and she immediately bent to adjust his blanket.<\/p>\n
Connor watched me, waiting.<\/p>\n
I knew what he wanted.<\/p>\n
Tears would have pleased him.<\/p>\n
Anger would have pleased him more.<\/p>\n
Even walking away would have allowed him to tell himself he had wounded me.<\/p>\n
Instead, I looked from the little boy to Connor.<\/p>\n
Then I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyebrows drew together.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is that supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly what I said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
I started to move past them.<\/p>\n
Connor stepped half a pace into my path.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don't get to act mysterious now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn't aware I was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou heard me. Noah is my son.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd congratulations.\u201d<\/p>\n
His confidence faltered again.<\/p>\n
Melinda finally looked at me.<\/p>\n
The fear in her face lasted only a second, but it was unmistakable.<\/p>\n
Not guilt.<\/p>\n
Fear.<\/p>\n
Before I could decide what it meant, my phone vibrated inside my coat pocket.<\/p>\n
I pulled it out.<\/p>\n
A message waited from Kenneth Boyd.<\/p>\n
Kenneth had represented me during the divorce. Calm, meticulous and almost impossible to surprise, he was the sort of attorney who never sent dramatic messages because he never needed to.<\/p>\n
We had not spoken in months.<\/p>\n
His message contained six words.<\/p>\n
I'm downstairs. We need to talk.<\/p>\n
I read it twice.<\/p>\n
Connor noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSomething wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n
I slipped the phone into my pocket.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why do you look like that?\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost asked what he thought I looked like.<\/p>\n
Instead, I stepped around him.<\/p>\n
\u201cKirsten,\u201d Melinda said suddenly.<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
When I turned, Connor was staring at her.<\/p>\n
She opened her mouth.<\/p>\n
Whatever she had intended to say disappeared.<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing,\u201d she whispered.<\/p>\n
Connor laughed, but it sounded forced now.<\/p>\n
\u201cGo on. Run back to work.\u201d<\/p>\n
The elevator doors opened behind me.<\/p>\n
I stepped inside and turned.<\/p>\n
Connor remained beside the stroller wearing the smile he had arrived with, but now he was trying too hard to keep it in place.<\/p>\n
Melinda stood next to him holding Noah's bottle against her chest.<\/p>\n
She wasn't watching me.<\/p>\n
She was watching the phone disappearing into my pocket.<\/p>\n
The doors began to close.<\/p>\n
Connor called after me.<\/p>\n
\u201cStill running away from your problems?\u201d<\/p>\n
I met his eyes through the narrowing gap.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Connor.\u201d<\/p>\n
The doors were almost shut.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the first time, I'm walking toward one.\u201d<\/p>\n
The elevator carried me downward.<\/p>\n
I watched the floor numbers change and wondered why Kenneth had come to the hospital instead of calling his office, why Melinda had looked frightened, and why Connor's triumphant announcement about his one-year-old son suddenly felt less like an ending than the first sentence of something much larger.<\/p>\n
When the doors opened onto the lobby, I saw Kenneth waiting beside the coffee kiosk.<\/p>\n
He had a thick folder under one arm.<\/p>\n
And the moment he saw me, he stood.<\/p>\n
At 10:17 on a wet Tuesday morning, I looked up from a patient chart and saw the two people I had spent the previous year teaching myself not to think … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":30484,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-30485","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30485","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=30485"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30485\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":30577,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/30485\/revisions\/30577"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/30484"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=30485"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=30485"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=30485"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}