For three weeks, neither Marcus nor I mentioned children again.<\/p>\n
That was intentional.<\/p>\n
At least on my side.<\/p>\n
I wanted the question to settle.<\/p>\n
Some questions became clearer when examined.<\/p>\n
Others only became louder.<\/p>\n
This one did both.<\/p>\n
I watched families at work differently.<\/p>\n
Newborns.<\/p>\n
Toddlers.<\/p>\n
Exhausted parents.<\/p>\n
Pregnant women balancing coffee cups against swollen stomachs.<\/p>\n
I remembered Maisie's infancy in fragments.<\/p>\n
Night feedings.<\/p>\n
Milk stains.<\/p>\n
A bassinet beside my bed.<\/p>\n
The terrifying responsibility of loving someone whose entire world depended on me.<\/p>\n
I also remembered doing most of it alone.<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
When I imagined another baby, I wasn't only imagining a child.<\/p>\n
I was imagining the circumstances around one.<\/p>\n
Would Marcus stay?<\/p>\n
Would he panic?<\/p>\n
Would I trust him?<\/p>\n
Would I become responsible for another adult's fear?<\/p>\n
The questions were unfair to him.<\/p>\n
They were also real.<\/p>\n
Marcus finally brought it up during a walk.<\/p>\n
"You're thinking very loudly."<\/p>\n
"I didn't know that was possible."<\/p>\n
"It is with you."<\/p>\n
We were beside the lake.<\/p>\n
Spring had finally reached Seattle properly.<\/p>\n
People were everywhere.<\/p>\n
Children on bicycles.<\/p>\n
Dogs pulling owners toward the water.<\/p>\n
Couples pretending not to argue.<\/p>\n
"I don't know if I want another child," I said.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"But I realized something."<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"I'm afraid wanting one would make me stupid."<\/p>\n
Marcus stopped walking.<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because I've already done this."<\/p>\n
"Parenthood?"<\/p>\n
"Trust."<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
"I trusted someone once with that future."<\/p>\n
"Derek."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"And he left."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
Marcus looked toward the water.<\/p>\n
"You're worried choosing that again means ignoring what you learned."<\/p>\n
Exactly.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
He thought before speaking.<\/p>\n
"What did you learn?"<\/p>\n
"That people can leave."<\/p>\n
"True."<\/p>\n
"That promises don't guarantee behavior."<\/p>\n
"True."<\/p>\n
"That I need to be able to stand on my own."<\/p>\n
"Also true."<\/p>\n
He looked at me.<\/p>\n
"None of those mean you should never trust anyone."<\/p>\n
I knew.<\/p>\n
Still.<\/p>\n
"What did you learn from your marriage?" I asked.<\/p>\n
Marcus smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"That was a sharp turn."<\/p>\n
"Answer."<\/p>\n
He did.<\/p>\n
"That two decent people can become terrible partners."<\/p>\n
Interesting.<\/p>\n
"Did someone cheat?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Abuse?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Money?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Then what?"<\/p>\n
"We stopped telling each other the truth."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
"Not big lies."<\/p>\n
He continued walking.<\/p>\n
"Small ones."<\/p>\n
"I'm fine."<\/p>\n
"Work is fine."<\/p>\n
"I don't mind."<\/p>\n
"Do whatever you want."<\/p>\n
"Nothing's wrong."<\/p>\n
I knew those lies.<\/p>\n
Everyone did.<\/p>\n
"Eventually we had built a marriage around avoiding conflict."<\/p>\n
"What ended it?"<\/p>\n
"She got a job offer in Boston."<\/p>\n
"And?"<\/p>\n
"She wanted to go."<\/p>\n
"You didn't?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"She went?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Without you?"<\/p>\n
"Eventually."<\/p>\n
There was no bitterness in his voice.<\/p>\n
Sadness, maybe.<\/p>\n
But processed sadness.<\/p>\n
"Did you try long distance?"<\/p>\n
"Eight months."<\/p>\n
"Then?"<\/p>\n
"We admitted we had both been waiting for geography to make the decision."<\/p>\n
That sentence stayed with me.<\/p>\n
"What would you do differently?"<\/p>\n
Marcus answered quickly.<\/p>\n
"Speak sooner."<\/p>\n
That was good.<\/p>\n
"About children too?"<\/p>\n
"Especially that."<\/p>\n
We walked another block.<\/p>\n
Then he said, "I don't want a baby because I met you."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"That sounded terrible."<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
"I mean I haven't suddenly developed a life plan."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
"But being around you and Maisie made me realize I had treated the question as closed because my marriage closed it."<\/p>\n
That I understood.<\/p>\n
"You thought that life was over."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"And now?"<\/p>\n
"Now I know it might not be."<\/p>\n
Possibility again.<\/p>\n
That word seemed to define us.<\/p>\n
Not certainty.<\/p>\n
Possibility.<\/p>\n
"I don't want to make decisions based on fear," I said.<\/p>\n
"Neither do I."<\/p>\n
"But fear exists for reasons."<\/p>\n
"Absolutely."<\/p>\n
"So what do we do?"<\/p>\n
Marcus smiled.<\/p>\n
"Keep telling the truth."<\/p>\n
Annoyingly simple.<\/p>\n
The next truth came from somewhere unexpected.<\/p>\n
Brinn.<\/p>\n
She called on Friday.<\/p>\n
"Can I come up tomorrow?"<\/p>\n
"Everything okay?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
That answer sounded suspicious.<\/p>\n
"Brinn."<\/p>\n
"I'm fine."<\/p>\n
"Are you in trouble?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Money?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Cameron?"<\/p>\n
"Fine."<\/p>\n
"Then what?"<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
"Can I tell you in person without being interrogated?"<\/p>\n
"Apparently."<\/p>\n
She arrived Saturday afternoon.<\/p>\n
Cameron was with his father.<\/p>\n
Maisie was at Derek's.<\/p>\n
Brinn brought coffee.<\/p>\n
Then sat on my couch and said:<\/p>\n
"I'm pregnant."<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
She smiled nervously.<\/p>\n
"Pregnant."<\/p>\n
I hugged her before thinking.<\/p>\n
She laughed into my shoulder.<\/p>\n
"Okay, good reaction."<\/p>\n
I pulled back.<\/p>\n
"Was this planned?"<\/p>\n
"Not exactly."<\/p>\n
"Are you okay?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Is the father\u2014"<\/p>\n
"Still Ethan."<\/p>\n
I remembered Ethan.<\/p>\n
Quiet.<\/p>\n
Reliable.<\/p>\n
He and Brinn had been dating almost two years.<\/p>\n
"Does he know?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Reaction?"<\/p>\n
"Terrified. Happy. Then terrified again."<\/p>\n
"Reasonable."<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
Then her expression changed.<\/p>\n
"I wanted to tell you before Mom."<\/p>\n
That sentence carried history.<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because Mom is going to become insane."<\/p>\n
"Probably."<\/p>\n
"And I need help keeping boundaries."<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not help managing pregnancy.<\/p>\n
Help maintaining herself.<\/p>\n
"What boundaries?"<\/p>\n
"No buying a nursery before I decide what I want."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
"No calling every day."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
"No moving into my house after delivery."<\/p>\n
"Excellent."<\/p>\n
Brinn laughed.<\/p>\n
"And no acting like because I'm pregnant, I'm suddenly incapable."<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
"You've thought about this."<\/p>\n
"A lot."<\/p>\n
"Then you don't need me."<\/p>\n
She blinked.<\/p>\n
"I need you."<\/p>\n
"Not to make the boundaries."<\/p>\n
Understanding appeared.<\/p>\n
"Oh."<\/p>\n
"You already know them."<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
"I need you to remind me when I cave."<\/p>\n
"That I can do."<\/p>\n
We told Mom together by video.<\/p>\n
Brinn delivered the news.<\/p>\n
Mom screamed.<\/p>\n
Dad appeared from another room believing someone was injured.<\/p>\n
Then he screamed too.<\/p>\n
For five minutes, everyone was happy.<\/p>\n
Then Mom said:<\/p>\n
"I can come next weekend and help you reorganize the spare room."<\/p>\n
Brinn looked at me.<\/p>\n
I raised my eyebrows.<\/p>\n
Her turn.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
Mom stopped.<\/p>\n
"But the baby\u2014"<\/p>\n
"Doesn't need a room tomorrow."<\/p>\n
"Of course not. I just thought\u2014"<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
Brinn smiled.<\/p>\n
"But no."<\/p>\n
Mom inhaled.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
I almost applauded.<\/p>\n
Then Mom said:<\/p>\n
"Can I send you the crib I saw?"<\/p>\n
Brinn thought.<\/p>\n
"One link."<\/p>\n
Mom smiled.<\/p>\n
"One."<\/p>\n
Dad muttered, "This will require supervision."<\/p>\n
Mom glared at him.<\/p>\n
The call ended peacefully.<\/p>\n
Brinn stared at the blank screen.<\/p>\n
"I did it."<\/p>\n
"You did."<\/p>\n
"I feel mean."<\/p>\n
"Welcome."<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
Then became quiet.<\/p>\n
"Was it this hard for you?"<\/p>\n
"Harder."<\/p>\n
"Because we were worse?"<\/p>\n
"Much."<\/p>\n
"Sorry."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
"I don't think I've ever said it properly."<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
"When you had Maisie, I acted like your boundaries were attacks on us."<\/p>\n
I said nothing.<\/p>\n
"I thought you were becoming selfish."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"And then when I needed money, I expected you to fix it."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
Brinn looked down.<\/p>\n
"I didn't understand what I was asking."<\/p>\n
"Maybe not."<\/p>\n
"I do now."<\/p>\n
Pregnancy had made the past newly visible to her.<\/p>\n
Not because she needed punishment.<\/p>\n
Because roles change perspective.<\/p>\n
"I'm scared," she whispered.<\/p>\n
"Of the baby?"<\/p>\n
"Everything."<\/p>\n
"Normal."<\/p>\n
"What if I'm bad at it?"<\/p>\n
"You will be."<\/p>\n
She stared.<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Everyone is bad at parts of parenting."<\/p>\n
"Comforting."<\/p>\n
"You'll also learn."<\/p>\n
"What if Ethan leaves?"<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
Not my story exactly.<\/p>\n
But close enough to haunt the family.<\/p>\n
"Then you'll survive."<\/p>\n
Brinn's face tightened.<\/p>\n
"That's horrible."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I took her hand.<\/p>\n
"I didn't say he will leave."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"You asked what happens if the worst thing happens."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"You survive."<\/p>\n
She swallowed.<\/p>\n
"And if he stays?"<\/p>\n
"Then you learn how to let someone help."<\/p>\n
That might be harder.<\/p>\n
Brinn laughed softly.<\/p>\n
"Family specialty."<\/p>\n
We spent the afternoon talking.<\/p>\n
No rescue.<\/p>\n
No plan.<\/p>\n
Just sisters.<\/p>\n
Later, after she left, Marcus came over.<\/p>\n
I told him.<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
"Congratulations, Aunt Jenna."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"Brinn asked if Ethan leaves."<\/p>\n
Marcus understood immediately.<\/p>\n
"That hit something."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
We sat quietly.<\/p>\n
Then I said, "I think I might want another child."<\/p>\n
Marcus did not smile.<\/p>\n
That was exactly the right reaction.<\/p>\n
He took the sentence seriously.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Not now."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Maybe not ever."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"But the door isn't closed."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"Mine isn't either."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"That doesn't mean we're making plans."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"It doesn't mean we're trying."<\/p>\n
"Definitely not."<\/p>\n
"It doesn't mean\u2014"<\/p>\n
Marcus touched my hand.<\/p>\n
"Jenna."<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
"We are allowed to discover what we want without immediately turning it into an obligation."<\/p>\n
I exhaled.<\/p>\n
Right.<\/p>\n
Wanting was not a contract.<\/p>\n
Possibility was not a promise.<\/p>\n
That night, I told Derek about Brinn.<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
"Your mom must be losing her mind."<\/p>\n
"With surprising restraint."<\/p>\n
"Growth."<\/p>\n
Then he said, "Elena and I have news too."<\/p>\n
My stomach tightened.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
"We're moving in together."<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
"Where?"<\/p>\n
"My place."<\/p>\n
"When?"<\/p>\n
"End of summer."<\/p>\n
My mind immediately reorganized Maisie's entire custody environment.<\/p>\n
Bedroom.<\/p>\n
Routine.<\/p>\n
Sophie.<\/p>\n
Elena.<\/p>\n
Overnights.<\/p>\n
Privacy.<\/p>\n
Rules.<\/p>\n
Derek watched my face.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Have you talked to the counselor?"<\/p>\n
"Appointment Tuesday."<\/p>\n
"Maisie?"<\/p>\n
"Not yet."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
"Elena wants us to tell you before her."<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
"Thank you."<\/p>\n
Then Derek added:<\/p>\n
"And there's something else."<\/p>\n
Of course.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
He reached into his pocket.<\/p>\n
For one horrifying second, I thought he was about to show me a ring.<\/p>\n
Instead, he handed me a key.<\/p>\n
I stared.<\/p>\n
"What is this?"<\/p>\n
"My apartment."<\/p>\n
"Why are you giving me a key?"<\/p>\n
"Emergency access."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"You've had one for my place for a year."<\/p>\n
True.<\/p>\n
"I realized you don't have one for mine."<\/p>\n
I turned the key in my hand.<\/p>\n
A tiny piece of metal.<\/p>\n
Nothing dramatic.<\/p>\n
But years earlier, Derek had not even known where his infant daughter slept.<\/p>\n
Now he was giving me unrestricted access to the home where she spent part of her life.<\/p>\n
Trust did not always arrive as an apology.<\/p>\n
Sometimes it looked like a key.<\/p>\n
"I won't use this unless necessary."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"Elena is okay with it?"<\/p>\n
"Her idea."<\/p>\n
That surprised me most.<\/p>\n
I closed my fingers around the key.<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
Derek stood.<\/p>\n
At the door, he paused.<\/p>\n
"Jenna."<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"I'm glad you're seeing Marcus."<\/p>\n
I studied him.<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because you look lighter."<\/p>\n
I didn't know what to do with that.<\/p>\n
So I nodded.<\/p>\n
After he left, I added his key to my ring.<\/p>\n
My apartment.<\/p>\n
My car.<\/p>\n
Mom and Dad's townhouse.<\/p>\n
Derek's home.<\/p>\n
For years, family had felt like doors I needed to close to survive.<\/p>\n
Now I carried keys to several.<\/p>\n
The difference was simple.<\/p>\n
Nobody expected me to live behind all of them.<\/p>\n
For three weeks, neither Marcus nor I mentioned children again. That was intentional. At least on my side. I wanted the question to settle. Some questions became clearer when examined. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":28819,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28842","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28842","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=28842"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28842\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28877,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28842\/revisions\/28877"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/28819"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=28842"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=28842"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=28842"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}