Marcus returned to Seattle full-time in May.<\/p>\n
We had been dating almost six months.<\/p>\n
That number bothered me.<\/p>\n
Six months sounded serious.<\/p>\n
Three months could still be described as experimenting.<\/p>\n
Four months was ambiguous.<\/p>\n
Six months sounded like a relationship.<\/p>\n
I mentioned this to Marcus.<\/p>\n
He said, "We could break up for two weeks and reset the clock."<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
"That isn't how time works."<\/p>\n
"Then we're doomed."<\/p>\n
We were sitting in his apartment.<\/p>\n
It was the first time I had visited.<\/p>\n
I had resisted for months.<\/p>\n
Not because I thought he was hiding anything.<\/p>\n
Because entering someone's home felt more intimate than restaurants.<\/p>\n
His apartment was annoyingly normal.<\/p>\n
Books.<\/p>\n
Plants.<\/p>\n
Architectural drawings.<\/p>\n
A couch that looked chosen for comfort rather than appearance.<\/p>\n
One framed photograph of his parents.<\/p>\n
Another of a dog.<\/p>\n
"Whose dog?"<\/p>\n
"My ex-wife's."<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
"You keep a picture of your ex-wife's dog?"<\/p>\n
"His name was Winston."<\/p>\n
"That does not answer the question."<\/p>\n
"I loved Winston."<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
Marcus smiled.<\/p>\n
Then asked, "Have you thought about when I meet Maisie?"<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
I had.<\/p>\n
Constantly.<\/p>\n
"I talked to the counselor."<\/p>\n
"Of course."<\/p>\n
"And Derek."<\/p>\n
Marcus nodded.<\/p>\n
"How does he feel?"<\/p>\n
"Appropriately cautious."<\/p>\n
"Fair."<\/p>\n
"And Elena."<\/p>\n
His eyebrows rose.<\/p>\n
"You consulted Derek's girlfriend?"<\/p>\n
"She's part of Maisie's life."<\/p>\n
"Also fair."<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
"I don't want the first meeting to feel like an announcement."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"No 'this is Mommy's boyfriend.'"<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Just Marcus."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Short."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Public."<\/p>\n
"Okay."<\/p>\n
"Stop agreeing so easily."<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
"What would make you more comfortable? Resistance?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Then we're doing great."<\/p>\n
The meeting happened at a Saturday farmers market.<\/p>\n
Vanessa came too.<\/p>\n
That was supposedly accidental.<\/p>\n
It wasn't.<\/p>\n
She wanted to inspect Marcus.<\/p>\n
I had warned him.<\/p>\n
"Your friend is evaluating me."<\/p>\n
"Absolutely."<\/p>\n
"Should I bring references?"<\/p>\n
"Three professional and two personal."<\/p>\n
"Credit report?"<\/p>\n
"Helpful."<\/p>\n
When Vanessa arrived, she shook his hand and said, "I've heard almost nothing about you, which means Jenna likes you."<\/p>\n
I wanted the pavement to open.<\/p>\n
Marcus laughed.<\/p>\n
"I've heard enough about you to be afraid."<\/p>\n
Vanessa looked pleased.<\/p>\n
Maisie arrived with Derek ten minutes later.<\/p>\n
She ran toward me.<\/p>\n
Then noticed Marcus.<\/p>\n
Children notice unfamiliar adults immediately.<\/p>\n
"Who?"<\/p>\n
Direct.<\/p>\n
"This is my friend Marcus."<\/p>\n
Marcus crouched slightly but didn't move closer.<\/p>\n
"Hi, Maisie."<\/p>\n
She stared.<\/p>\n
"Hi."<\/p>\n
Then:<\/p>\n
"You Mommy friend?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Like Aunt Vanny?"<\/p>\n
Marcus looked at Vanessa.<\/p>\n
"Nobody is like Aunt Vanny."<\/p>\n
Vanessa whispered, "Correct answer."<\/p>\n
Maisie accepted him within six minutes because he knew the difference between a triceratops and a styracosaurus.<\/p>\n
Apparently all my careful planning had overlooked the primary criterion.<\/p>\n
Dinosaur competence.<\/p>\n
We walked through the market.<\/p>\n
Marcus never tried to hold her hand.<\/p>\n
Never corrected her.<\/p>\n
Never performed.<\/p>\n
When she spoke, he listened.<\/p>\n
When she ignored him, he allowed it.<\/p>\n
I watched everything.<\/p>\n
Too closely.<\/p>\n
Derek noticed.<\/p>\n
At one point he stepped beside me.<\/p>\n
"She's fine."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"You're staring."<\/p>\n
"I am observing."<\/p>\n
"You're staring professionally."<\/p>\n
"Go away."<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
Elena and Sophie joined us later.<\/p>\n
That created a group large enough to look like a poorly organized school trip.<\/p>\n
Maisie and Sophie ran ahead.<\/p>\n
Marcus and Derek ended up walking beside each other.<\/p>\n
I hated that.<\/p>\n
Not because anything was wrong.<\/p>\n
Because I couldn't hear them.<\/p>\n
Vanessa saw my face.<\/p>\n
"Do not."<\/p>\n
"I'm not doing anything."<\/p>\n
"Your eyebrows are doing something."<\/p>\n
"What are they talking about?"<\/p>\n
"Probably sports."<\/p>\n
"Derek doesn't care about sports."<\/p>\n
"Then architecture."<\/p>\n
"He doesn't care about architecture."<\/p>\n
Vanessa sighed.<\/p>\n
"Maybe they're discussing how exhausting you are."<\/p>\n
"Likely."<\/p>\n
After lunch, Marcus left first.<\/p>\n
He hugged me.<\/p>\n
Nothing more.<\/p>\n
Not in front of Maisie.<\/p>\n
That was something we had discussed.<\/p>\n
When he walked away, Maisie asked, "Marcus come again?"<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
"You want him to?"<\/p>\n
"He know dinosaurs."<\/p>\n
High praise.<\/p>\n
"Maybe."<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
Then ran after Sophie.<\/p>\n
Derek stood nearby.<\/p>\n
"What do you think?" I asked.<\/p>\n
He seemed surprised I wanted his opinion.<\/p>\n
"About Marcus?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"He seems decent."<\/p>\n
That was almost glowing praise from Derek.<\/p>\n
"Anything concern you?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
Then he smiled.<\/p>\n
"Other than the fact that he voluntarily dates you."<\/p>\n
"Leave."<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
That evening, Maisie and I were brushing our teeth when she asked, "Marcus your boyfriend?"<\/p>\n
I nearly swallowed toothpaste.<\/p>\n
"Where did you hear that?"<\/p>\n
"Sophie."<\/p>\n
Of course.<\/p>\n
"Did Sophie say Elena is Daddy Derek's girlfriend?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"And Marcus is Mommy's boyfriend?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
I rinsed my mouth.<\/p>\n
"Marcus and I are dating."<\/p>\n
"Boyfriend."<\/p>\n
"Sure."<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
"You marry?"<\/p>\n
"No plans."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"Because we've only known each other a while."<\/p>\n
"How long marry?"<\/p>\n
"There isn't a rule."<\/p>\n
She frowned.<\/p>\n
"Grandma Grandpa married."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Daddy Derek marry Elena?"<\/p>\n
"Still don't know."<\/p>\n
"You marry Marcus, Daddy marry Elena."<\/p>\n
She seemed pleased with this symmetrical arrangement.<\/p>\n
"Life is not a matching game."<\/p>\n
She ignored me.<\/p>\n
"Then I have two family."<\/p>\n
The words made me pause.<\/p>\n
"You already have one family."<\/p>\n
She shook her head.<\/p>\n
"Mommy family. Daddy family."<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
I put down my toothbrush.<\/p>\n
"They aren't separate like that."<\/p>\n
Her expression changed.<\/p>\n
"But different house."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Different people."<\/p>\n
"Sometimes."<\/p>\n
"Then two."<\/p>\n
I realized we were arguing terminology with a five-year-old.<\/p>\n
Still, something about it mattered.<\/p>\n
"You don't have to divide yourself."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
"You can love everyone."<\/p>\n
"At same time?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Even Grandma?"<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
"Even Grandma."<\/p>\n
"Even Elena?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Marcus?"<\/p>\n
"If you want."<\/p>\n
She thought.<\/p>\n
Then asked:<\/p>\n
"Even Daddy when he leave?"<\/p>\n
Everything inside me stopped.<\/p>\n
I stared at her reflection.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"Daddy Derek leave when baby."<\/p>\n
My throat tightened.<\/p>\n
"Who told you that?"<\/p>\n
She shrugged.<\/p>\n
"Know."<\/p>\n
"How?"<\/p>\n
"Grandma say before."<\/p>\n
My pulse accelerated.<\/p>\n
"When?"<\/p>\n
She tried to remember.<\/p>\n
"Long."<\/p>\n
I sat on the edge of the bathtub.<\/p>\n
"Come here."<\/p>\n
She stood between my knees.<\/p>\n
"What exactly did Grandma say?"<\/p>\n
"She say Daddy missed baby time."<\/p>\n
That was different.<\/p>\n
Maybe.<\/p>\n
"Anything else?"<\/p>\n
"Mommy mad."<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
Children collected fragments.<\/p>\n
A sentence here.<\/p>\n
An expression there.<\/p>\n
A story overheard from another room.<\/p>\n
Then they built their own explanations.<\/p>\n
"Yes," I said.<\/p>\n
"Daddy wasn't around when you were a baby."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
The question I had known would come someday.<\/p>\n
I had imagined answering it at eight.<\/p>\n
Ten.<\/p>\n
Twelve.<\/p>\n
Not five.<\/p>\n
"Because he was scared."<\/p>\n
"Of me?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
Immediate.<\/p>\n
"Never of you."<\/p>\n
"Then what?"<\/p>\n
"Of being a dad."<\/p>\n
She frowned.<\/p>\n
"Daddy dad now."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"He no scared."<\/p>\n
"Maybe sometimes."<\/p>\n
"Why leave?"<\/p>\n
There was no answer simple enough to be painless.<\/p>\n
"He made a bad choice."<\/p>\n
"Like Grandma."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Like Uncle Ky."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Like you control."<\/p>\n
I almost laughed.<\/p>\n
"Apparently our family curriculum is very effective."<\/p>\n
She didn't understand.<\/p>\n
"Did Daddy say sorry?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"To me?"<\/p>\n
I paused.<\/p>\n
That was the problem.<\/p>\n
Derek had apologized through behavior.<\/p>\n
Through consistency.<\/p>\n
Through years of showing up.<\/p>\n
But had he ever actually apologized to Maisie?<\/p>\n
Not in words she understood.<\/p>\n
"I think that's something you should ask him."<\/p>\n
She looked worried.<\/p>\n
"He sad?"<\/p>\n
"Maybe."<\/p>\n
"I no want sad."<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The family inheritance I refused to pass down.<\/p>\n
"You are not responsible for making Daddy feel okay."<\/p>\n
She watched me.<\/p>\n
"You can ask questions even if the answer makes someone sad."<\/p>\n
"Even you?"<\/p>\n
That one hurt.<\/p>\n
"Even me."<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
Then she said, "I love Daddy."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"You mad?"<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Because he leave."<\/p>\n
"I was mad about what he did."<\/p>\n
"But I love."<\/p>\n
"You can love him."<\/p>\n
"At same time?"<\/p>\n
"At the same time."<\/p>\n
Her face relaxed.<\/p>\n
The next morning, I called Derek.<\/p>\n
"We need to talk."<\/p>\n
He arrived that evening.<\/p>\n
I told him.<\/p>\n
His face drained.<\/p>\n
"She knows?"<\/p>\n
"Enough to ask."<\/p>\n
He sat down.<\/p>\n
"I thought we'd have more time."<\/p>\n
"So did I."<\/p>\n
"What did you tell her?"<\/p>\n
"The truth at her level."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
Then whispered, "What do I say?"<\/p>\n
I almost answered.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
Not my apology.<\/p>\n
"Your words."<\/p>\n
Derek looked terrified.<\/p>\n
Good.<\/p>\n
Some conversations should be frightening.<\/p>\n
Not because punishment was coming.<\/p>\n
Because they mattered.<\/p>\n
Maisie came out carrying a stuffed dinosaur.<\/p>\n
"Daddy Derek."<\/p>\n
He looked at her.<\/p>\n
"Hey, bug."<\/p>\n
She climbed beside him.<\/p>\n
Then asked immediately, "Why you leave when I baby?"<\/p>\n
Derek looked at me once.<\/p>\n
I stayed silent.<\/p>\n
He turned back to her.<\/p>\n
"Because I was scared."<\/p>\n
"Mommy say."<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
"I was scared, and instead of being brave, I went away."<\/p>\n
Maisie stared.<\/p>\n
"You no like me?"<\/p>\n
Derek's eyes filled instantly.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
His voice broke.<\/p>\n
"No, sweetheart."<\/p>\n
"Then why?"<\/p>\n
"Because I didn't know you yet."<\/p>\n
That was honest.<\/p>\n
"And I was afraid I wouldn't know how to be your dad."<\/p>\n
"You know now."<\/p>\n
"I'm learning."<\/p>\n
She touched his sleeve.<\/p>\n
"You miss me?"<\/p>\n
"Every day after I understood what I'd done."<\/p>\n
She thought about that.<\/p>\n
"Why no come?"<\/p>\n
Derek swallowed.<\/p>\n
"Because then I was ashamed."<\/p>\n
Too complex.<\/p>\n
Her face showed it.<\/p>\n
He tried again.<\/p>\n
"I knew I had done something wrong, and I was scared Mommy wouldn't let me fix it."<\/p>\n
I felt something sharp.<\/p>\n
Not because the statement was entirely wrong.<\/p>\n
But because it moved responsibility toward me.<\/p>\n
Derek caught it himself.<\/p>\n
He corrected immediately.<\/p>\n
"But that was still my choice."<\/p>\n
Good.<\/p>\n
"I should have tried sooner."<\/p>\n
Maisie nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
"You say sorry?"<\/p>\n
Derek began crying.<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
She waited.<\/p>\n
He realized what she meant.<\/p>\n
Not to me.<\/p>\n
To her.<\/p>\n
He moved closer but did not touch her until she leaned toward him.<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were a baby."<\/p>\n
Maisie watched him.<\/p>\n
"You no change diaper?"<\/p>\n
Derek laughed through tears.<\/p>\n
"No."<\/p>\n
"Good."<\/p>\n
I covered my mouth.<\/p>\n
Of course.<\/p>\n
He laughed harder.<\/p>\n
Then she became serious.<\/p>\n
"You no leave now?"<\/p>\n
Derek's face changed.<\/p>\n
"I can't promise I'll never go anywhere."<\/p>\n
Good answer.<\/p>\n
"But I can promise I won't disappear from being your dad."<\/p>\n
She considered.<\/p>\n
"You come pickup Thursday?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"Promise?"<\/p>\n
"Promise."<\/p>\n
She hugged him.<\/p>\n
The conversation ended not with forgiveness as an abstract concept, but Thursday pickup.<\/p>\n
That felt right.<\/p>\n
Children trusted schedules before speeches.<\/p>\n
After Maisie went to bed, Derek and I sat in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
"Thank you," he said.<\/p>\n
"For what?"<\/p>\n
"Not answering for me."<\/p>\n
"I almost did."<\/p>\n
He smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
Then his expression became serious.<\/p>\n
"I said something wrong."<\/p>\n
"I know."<\/p>\n
"About you not letting me fix it."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"I'm sorry."<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
He rubbed his hands together.<\/p>\n
"I still have this instinct to explain myself."<\/p>\n
"Most people do."<\/p>\n
"But explanation starts sounding like excuse."<\/p>\n
"Sometimes."<\/p>\n
He looked toward the hallway.<\/p>\n
"I don't want her growing up thinking I left because you kept me away."<\/p>\n
"Then don't give her that story."<\/p>\n
"I won't."<\/p>\n
A week later, Marcus came for dinner.<\/p>\n
His first time in my apartment while Maisie was home.<\/p>\n
He brought dessert.<\/p>\n
Not flowers.<\/p>\n
I had told him flowers would make the evening feel like a ceremony.<\/p>\n
After dinner, Maisie made him inspect seventeen dinosaurs.<\/p>\n
Then she asked:<\/p>\n
"You leave babies?"<\/p>\n
Marcus blinked.<\/p>\n
I nearly dropped my glass.<\/p>\n
"What?"<\/p>\n
"You leave baby?"<\/p>\n
Marcus looked at me.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
"Recent family history lesson."<\/p>\n
He nodded slowly.<\/p>\n
Then answered her.<\/p>\n
"I don't have any babies."<\/p>\n
"Why?"<\/p>\n
"I never had children."<\/p>\n
"You want?"<\/p>\n
Marcus paused.<\/p>\n
I suddenly became extremely interested in the dishes.<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
That answer surprised me.<\/p>\n
Maisie moved on.<\/p>\n
I didn't.<\/p>\n
After she slept, I asked.<\/p>\n
"You don't know?"<\/p>\n
Marcus understood immediately.<\/p>\n
"About children?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"I used to think no."<\/p>\n
"And now?"<\/p>\n
He looked toward Maisie's room.<\/p>\n
"Now I know the question is more complicated."<\/p>\n
My body tightened.<\/p>\n
"Marcus."<\/p>\n
"I'm not saying I expect you to have another child."<\/p>\n
Good.<\/p>\n
"I'm saying I don't know what I want yet."<\/p>\n
Less good.<\/p>\n
We had reached the first real uncertainty between us.<\/p>\n
Not scheduling.<\/p>\n
Not introductions.<\/p>\n
Future.<\/p>\n
"Do you want biological children?"<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
"That's a big thing not to know."<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
"At forty."<\/p>\n
"Also yes."<\/p>\n
I folded my arms.<\/p>\n
He remained calm.<\/p>\n
"Do you?"<\/p>\n
The question caught me.<\/p>\n
"Want another child?"<\/p>\n
"Yes."<\/p>\n
My immediate instinct was no.<\/p>\n
Then I realized I had not asked myself in years.<\/p>\n
"I don't know."<\/p>\n
Marcus nodded.<\/p>\n
That annoyed me.<\/p>\n
"Why are you so calm?"<\/p>\n
"Because neither of us knows."<\/p>\n
"This could matter."<\/p>\n
"It probably does."<\/p>\n
"And?"<\/p>\n
"And we don't need to solve it tonight."<\/p>\n
I hated that he was right.<\/p>\n
Again.<\/p>\n
After he left, I stood outside Maisie's room.<\/p>\n
I had spent years thinking my future was already shaped.<\/p>\n
One child.<\/p>\n
One career.<\/p>\n
One complicated family.<\/p>\n
One carefully built life.<\/p>\n
Marcus had not asked me to change any of it.<\/p>\n
He had merely exposed a question I had stopped allowing myself to ask.<\/p>\n
Was the life I had built the life I wanted forever?<\/p>\n
Or was it simply the first life in which I finally felt safe enough to choose again?<\/p>\n
Marcus returned to Seattle full-time in May. We had been dating almost six months. That number bothered me. Six months sounded serious. Three months could still be described as experimenting. … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":28819,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28841","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28841","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=28841"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28841\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":28876,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28841\/revisions\/28876"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/28819"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=28841"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=28841"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=28841"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}