It took me three days to find Anna.<\/p>\n
Not because she had disappeared especially well, but because I kept stopping.<\/p>\n
Every new phone number felt like a door I was not sure I had the right to open.<\/p>\n
Carol had asked me to do this.<\/p>\n
That fact kept pushing me forward.<\/p>\n
By Thursday afternoon, I had spoken to Anna\u2019s sister\u2019s former neighbor, an old church acquaintance, and finally a woman who gave me a number with a Pittsburgh area code.<\/p>\n
I wrote it on the back of an envelope.<\/p>\n
Then I sat staring at it until sunset.<\/p>\n
At seventy, a man should be old enough to make a telephone call without fear.<\/p>\n
Apparently, I was not.<\/p>\n
I poured coffee I did not want.<\/p>\n
Washed a clean plate.<\/p>\n
Walked through the living room twice.<\/p>\n
Finally, I picked up the phone.<\/p>\n
The first ring made me want to hang up.<\/p>\n
The second made my heart pound.<\/p>\n
On the third, someone answered.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n
Forty years vanished.<\/p>\n
The voice had changed.<\/p>\n
Of course it had.<\/p>\n
It was softer, roughened slightly by age.<\/p>\n
But some patterns survive decades: the lift at the end of a word, the careful pause before speaking again.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
My mouth went dry.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Walter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nothing.<\/p>\n
I heard faint traffic through her receiver.<\/p>\n
Then breathing.<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy God.\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor calling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor forty years. For calling. I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to apologize for time.\u201d<\/p>\n
That sounded exactly like Anna\u2014practical even when emotion threatened to overwhelm her.<\/p>\n
I sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy wife died three weeks ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHer name was Carol.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna said nothing.<\/p>\n
A cold sensation moved along my arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBefore Carol died, she asked me to find you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I expected surprise.<\/p>\n
Instead I heard a long, weary breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n
That one word frightened me.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said I would understand something if I found you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna remained silent.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe also asked me to forgive her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot over the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
I gripped the edge of the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen let me come see you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter forty years?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019ll allow it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I expected refusal.<\/p>\n
Instead she asked, \u201cWhere are you living?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMillfield.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s four hours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019d drive four hours for an explanation?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy wife used one of her last breaths to ask me to find you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cSaturday,\u201d Anna said.<\/p>\n
I nearly asked why not tomorrow.<\/p>\n
Instead I said, \u201cSaturday.\u201d<\/p>\n
She gave me the address.<\/p>\n
Before we hung up, I asked the question that had been pressing against my ribs since Diane called.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you write the letter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat letter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe one telling me not to look for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her breathing changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we should wait until Saturday.\u201d<\/p>\n
The line went dead a few seconds later.<\/p>\n
I spent Friday opening drawers.<\/p>\n
I told myself I was looking for a road map.<\/p>\n
What I found instead was an old photograph tucked inside a college yearbook.<\/p>\n
Anna and me beside a lake.<\/p>\n
Her hair had been dark and long then, blowing across her face as she tried to push me away from the camera.<\/p>\n
I remembered the moment.<\/p>\n
A friend had shouted for us to stop moving.<\/p>\n
Anna had laughed.<\/p>\n
I had kissed her temple.<\/p>\n
The camera caught us between poses.<\/p>\n
That was why I had kept the picture.<\/p>\n
I almost put it in my pocket.<\/p>\n
Then I stopped.<\/p>\n
Carol\u2019s jewelry box sat on the dresser.<\/p>\n
Inside was her wedding ring.<\/p>\n
The funeral director had returned it in a small envelope.<\/p>\n
I held it for a moment before slipping it into my pocket instead.<\/p>\n
I did not know why.<\/p>\n
Maybe I needed something solid to remind me which life had actually been mine.<\/p>\n
Saturday morning was clear and cold.<\/p>\n
I left before seven.<\/p>\n
The drive east took me through towns I barely noticed. Every few miles, I considered turning around.<\/p>\n
What if Anna told me Carol had been unfaithful?<\/p>\n
What if Carol had contacted her secretly for years?<\/p>\n
What if there was some betrayal I could not imagine?<\/p>\n
Grief already had enough weight.<\/p>\n
I did not know whether I could carry more.<\/p>\n
But promises made beside deathbeds have their own gravity.<\/p>\n
At eleven fifteen, I parked across from a narrow brick house with white shutters.<\/p>\n
I stayed in the car.<\/p>\n
Ten minutes became twenty.<\/p>\n
At one point, an elderly man walking a terrier stared at me long enough that I realized I probably looked suspicious.<\/p>\n
Finally, I got out.<\/p>\n
My knees felt unsteady as I climbed the steps.<\/p>\n
I knocked.<\/p>\n
Footsteps approached.<\/p>\n
The door opened.<\/p>\n
Anna had silver hair.<\/p>\n
That was the first thing I noticed.<\/p>\n
The second was that I still recognized her.<\/p>\n
Age had softened some features and deepened others. There were lines around her eyes and mouth, but the eyes themselves were unchanged.<\/p>\n
Green.<\/p>\n
Bright even in the shadow of the doorway.<\/p>\n
For one terrible second, another face appeared in my mind.<\/p>\n
Rebecca.<\/p>\n
I dismissed the thought before I could understand it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of us moved.<\/p>\n
I had imagined this meeting in twenty different ways during the drive.<\/p>\n
None included standing silently like two strangers who had once known everything about each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cI almost didn't come,\u201d I admitted.<\/p>\n
\u201cI almost called and told you not to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause Carol sent you.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stepped aside.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome in.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her house smelled faintly of coffee and cedar.<\/p>\n
Books crowded shelves along one wall. Family photographs covered another.<\/p>\n
I tried not to stare at them.<\/p>\n
Anna noticed anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a sister, nieces, nephews. Most of those children aren\u2019t mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMost?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked toward the kitchen.<\/p>\n
\u201cCoffee?\u201d<\/p>\n
I followed her.<\/p>\n
She poured two cups without asking how I took mine.<\/p>\n
Then she stopped with the sugar bowl in her hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou still drink it black?\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
She smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know why I remember that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember you putting enough cream in yours to change the color completely.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI improved.\u201d<\/p>\n
She added only a little.<\/p>\n
For several minutes we talked about nothing consequential.<\/p>\n
My drive.<\/p>\n
The weather.<\/p>\n
Her sister.<\/p>\n
It became unbearable.<\/p>\n
Finally, I put my cup down.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna, I didn\u2019t come here to talk about traffic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCarol told me to find you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said I would understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna\u2019s hand tightened around her mug.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnderstand what?\u201d<\/p>\n
She stared into her coffee.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you were lied to.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room seemed to narrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt a pulse beating hard in my neck.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe letter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wrote it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wrote a letter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood.<\/p>\n
Anna flinched slightly.<\/p>\n
I forced myself to sit again.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cIn 1985, after you got the job offer, I was scared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wanted to leave quickly. I had my parents to think about. My father was already struggling at work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou told me all of that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou proposed because you thought marriage would solve the problem.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat wasn\u2019t the only reason.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna looked directly at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother came to see me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words did not make sense at first.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRuth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThree days after you proposed.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe knew I proposed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe knew everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds like her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Walter. You don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna\u2019s face had gone pale.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe came to my apartment wearing that gray coat with the fur collar.\u201d<\/p>\n
A picture formed instantly.<\/p>\n
I remembered the coat.<\/p>\n
My mother wore it to church, funerals, Christmas dinners.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe sat in my living room and told me I was not going to marry you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost laughed from disbelief.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe couldn\u2019t decide that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s what I told her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat your future mattered more than my feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n
Heat rose along my neck.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother liked you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Your mother was polite to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I opened my mouth.<\/p>\n
Closed it.<\/p>\n
Those were not the same thing.<\/p>\n
Anna continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said my family would hold you back. She said you had opportunities and I had obligations.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy father was a mechanic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother had ideas about what you were supposed to become.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe had ideas about everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her to leave.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna rubbed her thumb along the rim of her mug.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe didn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe mentioned my father\u2019s job.\u201d<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe worked at the grain company.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother knew the owner.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word landed heavily.<\/p>\n
Anna looked ashamed, though none of this was hers to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said accidents could happen to people's livelihoods. She said recommendations could be withdrawn. She said my father had already made enough mistakes at work that one phone call could finish him.\u201d<\/p>\n
I pushed back from the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember every word.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother wouldn't\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped myself.<\/p>\n
Couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
I had started saying the same things people say when the dead can no longer defend themselves.<\/p>\n
Anna watched me quietly.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe also mentioned my sister.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEllen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was engaged.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI remember.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour mother knew things about Ellen\u2019s fianc\u00e9\u2019s family. Nothing criminal. Just embarrassing enough that Ruth believed she could interfere.\u201d<\/p>\n
I felt sick.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should have told me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI tried.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cImmediately.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI never heard from you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI called your apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was already moving.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wrote.\u201d<\/p>\n
My head snapped up.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe letter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot the one you received.\u201d<\/p>\n
A chill ran down my spine.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did yours say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I was frightened, but I still loved you. That I wanted to talk before you left. That I might have been willing to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
My throat closed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI never received that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause months later, I came looking for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence struck harder than anything before it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought you were angry. I thought maybe you needed time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou came to find me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo your new apartment.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did you get the address?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA college friend had it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI lived there almost a year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou weren\u2019t home.\u201d<\/p>\n
Something in her face told me I already knew the next name.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho was?\u201d<\/p>\n
She did not answer immediately.<\/p>\n
I whispered it myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarol.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna nodded.<\/p>\n
The room became silent except for the refrigerator motor humming near the wall.<\/p>\n
I reached into my pocket and closed my fist around Carol\u2019s ring.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna wiped beneath one eye.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe told me you had moved on.\u201d<\/p>\n
I could barely hear myself.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you tell her who you were?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe already knew.\u201d<\/p>\n
My hand opened.<\/p>\n
Carol\u2019s ring lay against my palm.<\/p>\n
Anna stared at it.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said you had told her about me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI had.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said you received my letter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn't.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said you read it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd she said you threw it away.\u201d<\/p>\n
My chair scraped against the floor when I stood.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not true.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI never got anything from you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI waited.\u201d<\/p>\n
My voice broke.<\/p>\n
\u201cI waited for months.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna covered her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo did I.\u201d<\/p>\n
For forty years, I had believed Anna made a choice.<\/p>\n
Across the table sat a woman who had apparently spent those same forty years believing I had made one.<\/p>\n
And somewhere between us had stood my mother.<\/p>\n
Then Carol.<\/p>\n
My wife.<\/p>\n
The woman I had buried three weeks earlier.<\/p>\n
Anna lowered her hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is more.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did not want there to be.<\/p>\n
But I heard myself ask anyway.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face changed.<\/p>\n
Fear.<\/p>\n
Old fear.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn't only trying to find you because I still loved you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat down slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy else?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause by then, Walter, I was pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
It took me three days to find Anna. Not because she had disappeared especially well, but because I kept stopping. Every new phone number felt like a door I was … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":24215,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24217","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24217","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=24217"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24217\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24252,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24217\/revisions\/24252"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/24215"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=24217"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=24217"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=24217"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}