Two years after Allison finished chemotherapy, our freezer still contained two embryos.<\/p>\n
Not the kitchen freezer.<\/p>\n
That would have been horrifying.<\/p>\n
They were stored at the fertility clinic in a temperature-controlled tank with identification numbers, consent forms, annual fees, and more paperwork than seemed reasonable for something microscopic.<\/p>\n
Still, in our house, we called them the embryos.<\/p>\n
Not our babies.<\/p>\n
Not future children.<\/p>\n
Not guarantees.<\/p>\n
The embryos.<\/p>\n
Possibility preserved in plural.<\/p>\n
By then, Mateo was almost three.<\/p>\n
He had dark hair, endless questions, and a theory that every truck on the road personally belonged to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cMine truck.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is a city garbage truck.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTaxpayers may disagree.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison laughed from the passenger seat.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe got that from you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have never claimed municipal property.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou claimed the left side of the closet for nine years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was negotiated territory.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mateo shouted, \u201cMine closet.\u201d<\/p>\n
We both laughed.<\/p>\n
Normal life had become so normal again that sometimes cancer felt like a country we had once lived in.<\/p>\n
Then surveillance week arrived and the border reopened.<\/p>\n
Every six months now.<\/p>\n
Blood work.<\/p>\n
Scan.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta.<\/p>\n
The intervals had lengthened.<\/p>\n
That was good.<\/p>\n
It was also unsettling.<\/p>\n
At first, three months had felt cruelly frequent.<\/p>\n
Now six months felt dangerously long.<\/p>\n
Fear adjusted to whatever schedule it was given.<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s latest scan was clear.<\/p>\n
Tumor markers normal.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta used words we had once been afraid to trust.<\/p>\n
Remission.<\/p>\n
Excellent response.<\/p>\n
Encouraging prognosis.<\/p>\n
Then she asked, \u201cHave you thought more about pregnancy?\u201d<\/p>\n
The room changed.<\/p>\n
Allison sat straighter.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
That was news.<\/p>\n
Not entirely.<\/p>\n
We had talked.<\/p>\n
But not lately.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are approaching a point where I\u2019m comfortable discussing it medically.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s fingers tightened around mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cComfortable meaning safe?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI would not use safe as an absolute.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course not.<\/p>\n
Doctors hated absolutes.<\/p>\n
So had we, eventually.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour surveillance has remained reassuring. There is no evidence of disease.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd pregnancy wouldn\u2019t increase recurrence risk?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor your specific tumor type, we do not have evidence that pregnancy itself increases recurrence risk.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBRCA?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is a separate issue.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The second clock.<\/p>\n
Cancer remission.<\/p>\n
Hereditary risk.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta reminded us that Allison would eventually need to consider risk-reducing surgery related to BRCA1.<\/p>\n
Removal of the remaining ovary and fallopian tube.<\/p>\n
Possibly additional preventive decisions.<\/p>\n
Timing depended on multiple factors.<\/p>\n
Age.<\/p>\n
Family history.<\/p>\n
Fertility plans.<\/p>\n
Personal preference.<\/p>\n
Choice again.<\/p>\n
Always choice.<\/p>\n
After the appointment, we sat in the car.<\/p>\n
Mateo was with Teresa.<\/p>\n
Neither of us started the engine.<\/p>\n
I knew better than to speak first.<\/p>\n
Allison stared at the windshield.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cI want another baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence was quiet.<\/p>\n
Definite.<\/p>\n
My chest tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
She turned toward me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I\u2019ve known for a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe six months.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t tell me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Old hurt flickered.<\/p>\n
Then I noticed it.<\/p>\n
Fear beneath.<\/p>\n
She made a decision without me.<\/p>\n
I breathed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted to know whether it was real.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt kept being real.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does wanting another baby mean to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cVery therapist question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m expensive now.\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
Then became serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means I want to try.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEmbryo transfer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNatural conception?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t need another child to repair anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t need proof cancer didn\u2019t win.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t need Mateo to have a sibling.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlso good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked out the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want another person at our table.\u201d<\/p>\n
That image hit me harder than any medical argument.<\/p>\n
A table.<\/p>\n
Four plates.<\/p>\n
Another small voice.<\/p>\n
Another set of shoes by the door.<\/p>\n
I saw it.<\/p>\n
And feared it.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you thinking?\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat I want that too.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed softly.<\/p>\n
\u201cUnfortunately.\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed.<\/p>\n
Then I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m also terrified.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if pregnancy is hard?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt probably will be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if fertility treatment fails?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt might.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if you get sick again?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face changed.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The fear beneath every future plan.<\/p>\n
\u201cI could get sick again without getting pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I could stay healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She took my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want recurrence risk becoming the reason I never live.\u201d<\/p>\n
That sentence became the center of the next year.<\/p>\n
We met with Dr. Patel.<\/p>\n
The fertility specialist pulled up the records on our two frozen embryos.<\/p>\n
Both remained viable.<\/p>\n
Both had been frozen at the blastocyst stage.<\/p>\n
Neither guaranteed anything.<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you recommend transfer?\u201d Allison asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom a reproductive standpoint, yes, if oncology clears you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBoth?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Patel smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison glanced at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cTwins would've been efficient.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCoward.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCorrect.\u201d<\/p>\n
We discussed medications.<\/p>\n
Monitoring.<\/p>\n
Timing.<\/p>\n
Success rates.<\/p>\n
Failure rates.<\/p>\n
Miscarriage.<\/p>\n
Ectopic pregnancy.<\/p>\n
Everything that could happen before pregnancy became pregnancy.<\/p>\n
Then came genetic counseling.<\/p>\n
Because of BRCA1.<\/p>\n
Allison sat across from a counselor named Miriam who spoke carefully about inheritance.<\/p>\n
Each child had a chance of inheriting the mutation.<\/p>\n
Embryo genetic testing might be possible depending on stored samples and technical factors.<\/p>\n
That opened another decision we had not prepared for.<\/p>\n
Test the embryos?<\/p>\n
Transfer without testing?<\/p>\n
Potentially choose one based on genetic status?<\/p>\n
Allison became quiet.<\/p>\n
In the parking lot afterward, she said, \u201cI hate this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat part?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She walked toward the car.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate knowing things.\u201d<\/p>\n
That surprised me.<\/p>\n
After everything her mother had hidden, information had become sacred.<\/p>\n
Now knowledge felt heavy.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we test them,\u201d she said, \u201cthen we know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if one has BRCA?\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do we do with that information?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
She unlocked the car.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother not telling me was wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut knowing creates choices I don't know how to make.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She leaned against the door.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat would you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled weakly.<\/p>\n
\u201cDangerous question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don't know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She groaned.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think we should get information about the testing process before deciding whether to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
She nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cOne step.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOne step.\u201d<\/p>\n
So we learned.<\/p>\n
The embryos had not undergone preimplantation genetic testing.<\/p>\n
Testing would require thawing, biopsy, refreezing.<\/p>\n
Small risks.<\/p>\n
Costs.<\/p>\n
Time.<\/p>\n
No certainty that either embryo would remain suitable.<\/p>\n
Allison listened.<\/p>\n
Then asked the genetic counselor, \u201cIf a child inherited BRCA1, would their life be ruined?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould they definitely get cancer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould they know earlier than I did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
That mattered.<\/p>\n
The family history did not end with mutation.<\/p>\n
It also included secrecy.<\/p>\n
That part we could change.<\/p>\n
One night, Allison sat at the dining table after Mateo went to bed.<\/p>\n
Rachel\u2019s notebook lay open.<\/p>\n
Things You Chose.<\/p>\n
The pages had filled over two years.<\/p>\n
School.<\/p>\n
Embryo preservation.<\/p>\n
Counseling.<\/p>\n
Boundaries.<\/p>\n
Marriage.<\/p>\n
She wrote:<\/p>\n
Transfer one embryo without genetic testing.<\/p>\n
I read it from across the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou decided?\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked up.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think so.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
She closed the notebook.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I don\u2019t believe carrying BRCA makes a life less worth starting.\u201d<\/p>\n
I let that sit.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if our child has it someday?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe tell them.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe give them medicine, screening, information, choices.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe do what should\u2019ve been done for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I\u2019m with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
The transfer was scheduled for six weeks later.<\/p>\n
Those weeks turned us into people we recognized from our infertility years.<\/p>\n
Calendar on refrigerator.<\/p>\n
Medication times.<\/p>\n
Ultrasound appointments.<\/p>\n
Lab results.<\/p>\n
Hope carefully rationed.<\/p>\n
But something was different.<\/p>\n
We were different.<\/p>\n
When Allison forgot one evening injection, she panicked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI ruined it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if timing matters?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe call the clinic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if they say we have to cancel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we deal with that.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not mad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would I be mad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou used to get stressed when treatment changed plans.\u201d<\/p>\n
I remembered.<\/p>\n
I had treated fertility treatment like a joint project that inconveniently happened mostly inside her body.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I handed her the phone.<\/p>\n
\u201cCall.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse told us what to do.<\/p>\n
No disaster.<\/p>\n
The cycle continued.<\/p>\n
Transfer morning arrived cold and bright.<\/p>\n
Teresa watched Mateo.<\/p>\n
Rachel sent Allison a message.<\/p>\n
No crowns. No inspirational nonsense. Just love.<\/p>\n
Allison smiled.<\/p>\n
The procedure was quick.<\/p>\n
Almost anticlimactic.<\/p>\n
On the ultrasound screen, a tiny flash appeared when the embryo was transferred.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere,\u201d Dr. Patel said.<\/p>\n
Allison squeezed my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Minutes later, we walked out.<\/p>\n
Pregnant?<\/p>\n
Not pregnant?<\/p>\n
Too soon for either word.<\/p>\n
Waiting again.<\/p>\n
The two-week wait became its own form of insanity.<\/p>\n
Allison refused home pregnancy tests.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did enough of those during infertility.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAgreed.\u201d<\/p>\n
On day four, she felt nothing.<\/p>\n
On day six, she thought she felt something.<\/p>\n
On day seven, she decided the something was gas.<\/p>\n
On day nine, she cried because she felt normal.<\/p>\n
On day ten, she cried because she felt tired.<\/p>\n
I did not interpret symptoms.<\/p>\n
That rule saved our marriage.<\/p>\n
On the morning of the blood test, Mateo insisted on wearing rain boots despite there being no rain.<\/p>\n
Allison stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe this is a sign.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA sign of what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChaos.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat one\u2019s confirmed.\u201d<\/p>\n
We dropped him at preschool.<\/p>\n
Then went to the clinic.<\/p>\n
Blood draw.<\/p>\n
Home.<\/p>\n
Wait.<\/p>\n
By noon, neither of us could eat.<\/p>\n
At two eleven, Dr. Patel called.<\/p>\n
Allison put the phone on speaker.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour beta is positive.\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
I think both of us stopped understanding English.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d Allison said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
She covered her mouth.<\/p>\n
I sat down.<\/p>\n
Pregnant.<\/p>\n
Again.<\/p>\n
The word carried joy.<\/p>\n
And terror.<\/p>\n
And memory.<\/p>\n
And risk.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat\u2019s the number?\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison asked.<\/p>\n
Of course she did.<\/p>\n
Dr. Patel told her.<\/p>\n
Strong initial result.<\/p>\n
Repeat in forty-eight hours.<\/p>\n
After the call ended, Allison stared at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She started crying.<\/p>\n
I did too.<\/p>\n
Then she laughed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re crying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m allowed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are.\u201d<\/p>\n
We held each other.<\/p>\n
No one managed the other.<\/p>\n
Two separate fears.<\/p>\n
Two separate joys.<\/p>\n
Same room.<\/p>\n
When we picked Mateo up, we did not tell him.<\/p>\n
Not yet.<\/p>\n
At home, Allison stood in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
She placed her hand over her abdomen.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you feel different?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then she smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cScared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat part\u2019s familiar.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAlso familiar.\u201d<\/p>\n
She leaned against me.<\/p>\n
The refrigerator hummed behind us.<\/p>\n
Three years earlier, that kitchen had been the place where our marriage nearly ended.<\/p>\n
Now it held school calendars, surveillance schedules, preschool artwork, and a fertility medication chart with half the boxes crossed out.<\/p>\n
Life had not become safer.<\/p>\n
It had become chosen.<\/p>\n
Two days later, the pregnancy hormone rose appropriately.<\/p>\n
A week after that, it rose again.<\/p>\n
Then came the first ultrasound.<\/p>\n
One small gestational sac.<\/p>\n
One embryo.<\/p>\n
One heartbeat.<\/p>\n
Allison stared at the screen.<\/p>\n
Tears ran toward her ears.<\/p>\n
I held her hand.<\/p>\n
The technician smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cEverything looks where it should be.\u201d<\/p>\n
For that moment, the future became one pulsing point of light.<\/p>\n
Then Allison whispered, \u201cPlease stay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I knew she was not speaking to me.<\/p>\n
She was speaking to the life on the screen.<\/p>\n
There was nothing I could do to guarantee it.<\/p>\n
Nothing she could either.<\/p>\n
We could only want it.<\/p>\n
And wait.<\/p>\n
Two years after Allison finished chemotherapy, our freezer still contained two embryos. Not the kitchen freezer. That would have been horrifying. They were stored at the fertility clinic in a … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22901","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22901","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=22901"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22901\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22936,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22901\/revisions\/22936"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/22876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=22901"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=22901"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=22901"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}