By evening, Allison had been moved to a private room.<\/p>\n
Her pain was under better control.<\/p>\n
She could drink water.<\/p>\n
She could speak without drifting away every few sentences.<\/p>\n
The diagnosis still sat between us like a physical object.<\/p>\n
Cancer.<\/p>\n
Probable, pending final pathology.<\/p>\n
I hated how one word could be both certain and incomplete.<\/p>\n
Allison had asked for Mateo.<\/p>\n
Rachel brought him after speaking with the nurses.<\/p>\n
The moment he entered the room, Allison\u2019s face changed.<\/p>\n
Not into happiness exactly.<\/p>\n
Something more complicated.<\/p>\n
Need.<\/p>\n
Fear.<\/p>\n
Grief.<\/p>\n
She held out her arms.<\/p>\n
Rachel stopped beside the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I helped position pillows so Mateo could rest against Allison without pressing on the surgical sites.<\/p>\n
The instant he settled against her chest, she started crying.<\/p>\n
Mateo slept through it.<\/p>\n
Allison touched his ear with one finger.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel and I looked at each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cWho are you apologizing to?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cHim.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n
She did not answer.<\/p>\n
I already knew.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t,\u201d Rachel said softly.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWrite his future for him because you\u2019re afraid.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s face hardened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe could lose me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel stepped closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut he has you right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know how you did this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDid what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSurvived.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel was quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t do it gracefully.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t care.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI screamed at nurses. I fired one oncologist. I stopped answering friends. I threw a plate at my ex-husband.\u201d<\/p>\n
That caught my attention.<\/p>\n
Rachel looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was plastic.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStill counts,\u201d Allison said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was a salad plate.\u201d<\/p>\n
A small smile appeared.<\/p>\n
Then disappeared.<\/p>\n
Rachel touched Mateo\u2019s foot.<\/p>\n
\u201cI survived because the treatment worked.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not strength.<\/p>\n
Not attitude.<\/p>\n
Not inspirational determination.<\/p>\n
Treatment.<\/p>\n
Luck.<\/p>\n
Medicine.<\/p>\n
Time.<\/p>\n
Allison seemed relieved by that honesty.<\/p>\n
A knock came at the door.<\/p>\n
Teresa stood outside.<\/p>\n
She did not enter.<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s body tensed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her she could come to the hospital,\u201d Rachel said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnly if you wanted her in the room.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa stayed beyond the threshold.<\/p>\n
She looked ten years older than she had a week ago.<\/p>\n
Allison stared at her.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, no one moved.<\/p>\n
Then Allison said, \u201cCome in.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa entered slowly.<\/p>\n
Her eyes went directly to Mateo.<\/p>\n
Then to Allison\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
She began crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison stiffened.<\/p>\n
Teresa stopped herself before approaching the bed.<\/p>\n
That restraint mattered.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI should have told you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s mouth tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis isn\u2019t the time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa folded her hands.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just needed to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou saw me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words were sharp.<\/p>\n
Teresa flinched.<\/p>\n
Rachel shifted near the window.<\/p>\n
I stayed seated.<\/p>\n
This was not mine to moderate.<\/p>\n
Teresa swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I do anything?\u201d<\/p>\n
The old Allison would have found a task for her.<\/p>\n
I watched the impulse rise.<\/p>\n
Then Allison stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mother\u2019s answer surprised everyone.<\/p>\n
Teresa looked toward Mateo.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I hold him while you rest?\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison hesitated.<\/p>\n
Then nodded.<\/p>\n
Rachel lifted Mateo carefully and placed him in Teresa\u2019s arms.<\/p>\n
Teresa sat by the window.<\/p>\n
For a while, the room became strangely peaceful.<\/p>\n
Three women connected by blood, betrayal, illness, and a newborn baby.<\/p>\n
I felt like an outsider.<\/p>\n
That was probably appropriate.<\/p>\n
A nurse entered to check Allison\u2019s incision.<\/p>\n
Teresa looked away.<\/p>\n
Rachel stepped outside.<\/p>\n
I remained because Allison asked me to.<\/p>\n
The nurse removed part of the dressing.<\/p>\n
Allison winced.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow does it look?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAppropriate for this stage.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAppropriate is my new favorite word.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse smiled.<\/p>\n
After she left, Allison looked tired.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should sleep,\u201d Teresa said.<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s eyes sharpened.<\/p>\n
Her mother immediately corrected herself.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know you mean well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the problem sometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa nodded.<\/p>\n
I could see how much effort it cost her not to defend herself.<\/p>\n
Allison leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom, I need to ask you something.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t you tell me after they found the mass?\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa went still.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew Rachel\u2019s mutation. You knew yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew what they found on my ovary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy didn\u2019t that change your mind?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mother looked toward Mateo.<\/p>\n
\u201cI convinced myself pregnancy made everything complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cI was ashamed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBy then, telling you about BRCA meant admitting I had hidden it for years.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room went silent.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you kept hiding it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa\u2019s voice cracked.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery month made the truth worse, which made me more afraid to tell it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
The pattern was familiar.<\/p>\n
Avoid.<\/p>\n
Delay.<\/p>\n
Then use the consequences of delay as a reason for more delay.<\/p>\n
I knew it too well.<\/p>\n
Teresa wiped her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told myself the doctors knew what they were doing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey didn\u2019t know my family history.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou let them make decisions without information.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison began crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cStop saying you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa flinched.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want me to say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice broke.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want nine years back.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa covered her mouth.<\/p>\n
Rachel stepped into the room again.<\/p>\n
She had heard.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted that too,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at her.<\/p>\n
Rachel leaned against the doorframe.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa could not look at either daughter.<\/p>\n
Allison took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not forgiving you today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI may not forgive you for a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I also don\u2019t want to spend surgery recovery fighting every hour.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can give you space.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison looked at Mateo.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I need you to stop making decisions because you\u2019re afraid of how people will react.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mother\u2019s face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll try.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s tone sharpened.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t promise to try.\u201d<\/p>\n
Teresa stared.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo it.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence echoed more deeply than Allison probably intended.<\/p>\n
I felt it too.<\/p>\n
Trying had become my favorite excuse.<\/p>\n
Trying to help.<\/p>\n
Trying to remember.<\/p>\n
Trying to change.<\/p>\n
At some point, behavior had to become the evidence.<\/p>\n
Teresa nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will.\u201d<\/p>\n
Later, after she left, Allison was exhausted.<\/p>\n
Rachel took Mateo home for the night.<\/p>\n
For the first time since his birth, Allison spent a night without him in the same building.<\/p>\n
She cried after he left.<\/p>\n
Not loudly.<\/p>\n
She turned her face toward the window and tried to hide it.<\/p>\n
I did not pretend not to notice.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou miss him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll see him tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I moved my chair beside the bed.<\/p>\n
After a while, Allison said, \u201cI\u2019m failing at this already.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAt what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing his mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
I frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re in the hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t failure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe needs me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe needs people who love him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe needs me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice rose.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re here because you had cancer surgery.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t matter to him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. He\u2019s a baby.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked angry.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe just knows I\u2019m gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want me to say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then, immediately, \u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
She was asking for permission to feel contradictory things.<\/p>\n
To know she needed recovery and still hate being away from him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can miss him and still need to be here.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stared at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds obvious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMost useful things do.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes softened.<\/p>\n
A nurse brought medication.<\/p>\n
After she took it, Allison became sleepy.<\/p>\n
I thought the conversation was over.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cDo you regret having him?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question stunned me.<\/p>\n
\u201cMateo?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would I regret him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause now everything is harder.\u201d<\/p>\n
I leaned forward.<\/p>\n
\u201cCancer isn\u2019t his fault.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither is the surgery.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd fertility treatments weren\u2019t a mistake because this happened afterward.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you regret him?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot even for one second?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
That answer came easily.<\/p>\n
Then I understood there was another question underneath.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face crumpled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate myself for even thinking it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou thought it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor maybe ten seconds.\u201d<\/p>\n
She began crying.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen Dr. Mehta said cancer, I thought if I hadn\u2019t gotten pregnant, maybe they would\u2019ve removed the mass sooner.\u201d<\/p>\n
I listened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I thought maybe having Mateo made this worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice shook.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd for one horrible second, I wished I could go back.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took her hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean you regret him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does it mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat you\u2019re scared.\u201d<\/p>\n
She shook her head.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m his mother. I\u2019m not supposed to think that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho said?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I spoke carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cEveryone says parents love their children. That isn\u2019t the same as saying you can never imagine a different life when you\u2019re terrified.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI thought something terrible too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDuring surgery, I imagined life without you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI imagined where Mateo and I would live.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hated myself for it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I squeezed her hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut fear writes terrible futures.\u201d<\/p>\n
She started crying again.<\/p>\n
This time she let me hold her.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI love him more than anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I don\u2019t want to die.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to leave you either.\u201d<\/p>\n
That sentence surprised me.<\/p>\n
She felt it.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m still angry with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I don\u2019t want you gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
That was more hope than I had expected.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you gone either.\u201d<\/p>\n
The next morning, Dr. Mehta returned.<\/p>\n
She had preliminary pathology.<\/p>\n
The cancer appeared to be a germ-cell tumor.<\/p>\n
Rare.<\/p>\n
Often treatable.<\/p>\n
Potentially responsive to chemotherapy.<\/p>\n
The lymph node results were not final.<\/p>\n
Allison listened.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo this might not be the worst version.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d Dr. Mehta said.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut it\u2019s cancer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd I may need chemo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow soon?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOnce we have final staging, we\u2019ll decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
I did not tell her this was good news.<\/p>\n
Not exactly.<\/p>\n
It was better news inside bad news.<\/p>\n
There was a difference.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere is another consideration.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour genetic testing has also returned.\u201d<\/p>\n
The room became still.<\/p>\n
Rachel had warned us this moment was coming.<\/p>\n
Allison already seemed to know.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta sat down.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are positive for the familial BRCA1 mutation.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison closed her eyes.<\/p>\n
Cancer had now entered the present.<\/p>\n
The mutation reached into the future.<\/p>\n
And as I watched my wife absorb one more stolen certainty, I understood that treatment would not be the end of the decisions ahead.<\/p>\n
By evening, Allison had been moved to a private room. Her pain was under better control. She could drink water. She could speak without drifting away every few sentences. The … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22887","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22887","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=22887"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22887\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22922,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22887\/revisions\/22922"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/22876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=22887"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=22887"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=22887"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}