The night before surgery, Allison could not sleep.<\/p>\n
Neither could I.<\/p>\n
Mateo had finally settled after an hour of feeding, burping, changing, and the kind of unexplained crying that made every adult in the house question whether babies were born with secret grievances.<\/p>\n
Rachel had taken the couch.<\/p>\n
Teresa had not returned.<\/p>\n
Our bedroom was dark except for the small lamp on Allison\u2019s side and the green glow of the baby monitor.<\/p>\n
The surgical paperwork sat on the dresser.<\/p>\n
I could see the edge of it from bed.<\/p>\n
Every time I closed my eyes, I imagined someone handing those pages back to me with new boxes checked.<\/p>\n
Left ovary.<\/p>\n
Right ovary.<\/p>\n
Uterus.<\/p>\n
Lymph nodes.<\/p>\n
Words had never seemed so capable of changing a person\u2019s future.<\/p>\n
Allison lay on her back because turning onto either side pulled at her healing incision.<\/p>\n
Her breathing was too shallow for sleep.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you want something?\u201d I whispered.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
A minute passed.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cActually, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned toward her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want you to promise me something.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf tomorrow goes badly, don\u2019t make me comfort you.\u201d<\/p>\n
The sentence landed strangely.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know exactly what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
I thought I did, but I wanted her to explain.<\/p>\n
She stared at the ceiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen things happen, you get overwhelmed. Then I end up reassuring you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I opened my mouth.<\/p>\n
She continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen my grandmother died, I spent the funeral making sure you were okay because you said you hated seeing me cry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I remembered.<\/p>\n
At the time, I had thought I was expressing affection.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen we lost the first pregnancy test after the fertility medication\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice tightened.<\/p>\n
I knew what she meant.<\/p>\n
It had not technically been a miscarriage. Her numbers had risen, then fallen before an ultrasound could confirm anything.<\/p>\n
I had been devastated.<\/p>\n
So had she.<\/p>\n
But I had talked about how unfair it was to me.<\/p>\n
I had asked whether we should stop trying.<\/p>\n
She had ended up reassuring me that we would be okay.<\/p>\n
\u201cI did that,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She turned her head toward me.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf they tell me tomorrow that it\u2019s cancer, I cannot take care of your feelings first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need you to mean that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I fall apart?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you fall apart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I say horrible things?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll listen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if I blame you?\u201d<\/p>\n
That one stopped me.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor the cancer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes stayed on mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor everything else.\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
Our marriage had not suddenly become irrelevant because she might be sick.<\/p>\n
If anything, illness had exposed what was already wrong.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re allowed to be angry with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t the same as promising not to make me manage you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf tomorrow is bad, I will find somewhere else to put my fear.\u201d<\/p>\n
She watched me carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll talk to Rachel if she\u2019s willing. Or a therapist. Or somebody.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word therapist still felt unfamiliar in my mouth.<\/p>\n
Allison noticed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked back at the ceiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stayed quiet.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cThere\u2019s another thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf they say it\u2019s benign, don\u2019t act like this week never happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
That temptation already existed.<\/p>\n
I had imagined the doctor saying it was harmless.<\/p>\n
I had imagined laughing from relief.<\/p>\n
Taking Allison home.<\/p>\n
Ordering dinner.<\/p>\n
Calling everyone.<\/p>\n
Returning to normal.<\/p>\n
But normal was the problem.<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want cancer to be the only reason you notice me.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was no defense against that.<\/p>\n
I reached for her hand.<\/p>\n
She gave it to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to notice you because you\u2019re my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTrying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The honesty mattered.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going to pretend I suddenly know how to do this perfectly.\u201d<\/p>\n
She squeezed my fingers.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
We were silent for a while.<\/p>\n
Then she asked, \u201cAre you scared?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow scared?\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost lied.<\/p>\n
Instead I said, \u201cEnough that I keep imagining raising Mateo without you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her breathing changed.<\/p>\n
I immediately regretted saying it.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She turned toward me as much as her incision allowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s real.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust don\u2019t ask me to make it less scary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
A small sound came from the bassinet.<\/p>\n
We both froze.<\/p>\n
Mateo grunted, stretched, and settled.<\/p>\n
Allison smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe sounds like an old man.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe got that from your side.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked offended.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour father snores like farm equipment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFair.\u201d<\/p>\n
The humor passed.<\/p>\n
For a few seconds, it felt almost normal.<\/p>\n
Then Allison said, \u201cWhat time do we leave?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFive fifteen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRachel?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe set an alarm for five.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou packed the bottles?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDiapers?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy charger?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPaperwork?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re enjoying this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou like being prepared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat part, yes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed softly.<\/p>\n
Then her expression changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou did all of it without asking me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s new.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked almost sad.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wish you\u2019d done it before I got sick.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo do I.\u201d<\/p>\n
No excuse followed.<\/p>\n
That was becoming a skill.<\/p>\n
At four thirty, nobody had actually slept.<\/p>\n
Rachel appeared in the doorway already dressed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou two look terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison groaned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean medically.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel leaned against the frame.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom texted me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s face tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wants to come to the hospital.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI told her I\u2019d ask.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just did.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
No pressure.<\/p>\n
That seemed to help.<\/p>\n
Rachel left.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou agree with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt doesn\u2019t matter whether I agree.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat answer is annoying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m learning from you.\u201d<\/p>\n
She rolled her eyes.<\/p>\n
At five, I fed Mateo while Rachel helped Allison dress.<\/p>\n
The clothes were loose.<\/p>\n
Nothing pressing against her abdomen.<\/p>\n
Nothing difficult to remove.<\/p>\n
I loaded the car.<\/p>\n
Hospital bag.<\/p>\n
Diaper bag.<\/p>\n
Carrier.<\/p>\n
Documents.<\/p>\n
Medication list.<\/p>\n
By five twenty, we were on the road.<\/p>\n
The city was almost empty.<\/p>\n
Streetlights reflected off damp pavement.<\/p>\n
Allison sat in the passenger seat, one hand gripping the door handle.<\/p>\n
Rachel sat in back beside Mateo.<\/p>\n
No one spoke for most of the drive.<\/p>\n
Near the hospital, Allison suddenly said, \u201cPull over.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned into an empty gas station.<\/p>\n
The moment the car stopped, Allison opened the door.<\/p>\n
I thought she was going to vomit.<\/p>\n
Instead she stood outside and took several deep breaths.<\/p>\n
I stayed in the car.<\/p>\n
Rachel did too.<\/p>\n
After a minute, Allison leaned back in.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t go in.\u201d<\/p>\n
Nobody answered quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know that sounds stupid.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt doesn\u2019t,\u201d Rachel said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t let them cut me open again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice began shaking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just healed enough to stand up.\u201d<\/p>\n
I unbuckled my seat belt.<\/p>\n
Then stopped.<\/p>\n
If I got out too fast, it might feel like I was closing in.<\/p>\n
\u201cAllison,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can sit here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe can sit here for ten minutes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSurgery is at seven.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re early.\u201d<\/p>\n
She stared at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not going to tell me I have to go?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou already know what the doctors recommended.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you think I should.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She flinched slightly.<\/p>\n
I continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut you asked me not to make the decision for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo sit.\u201d<\/p>\n
She closed the door and got back inside.<\/p>\n
We sat in the gas station lot while trucks passed on the highway.<\/p>\n
Five minutes.<\/p>\n
Then ten.<\/p>\n
At eleven, Allison said, \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
I started the engine.<\/p>\n
At the hospital, registration moved quickly.<\/p>\n
Too quickly.<\/p>\n
Within half an hour, Allison was in a preoperative room wearing another gown.<\/p>\n
Another bracelet.<\/p>\n
Another IV.<\/p>\n
Mateo could not stay indefinitely, so Rachel planned to take him home once Allison went back.<\/p>\n
A nurse reviewed the consent forms.<\/p>\n
Allison listened carefully.<\/p>\n
When they reached the section on surgical extension, her voice shook but remained clear.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want fertility preserved if medically reasonable.\u201d<\/p>\n
The nurse nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if the surgeon believes disease is advanced?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI authorize whatever is necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n
I watched her sign again.<\/p>\n
That was courage, I realized.<\/p>\n
Not absence of fear.<\/p>\n
Precision in spite of it.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta entered around six forty.<\/p>\n
She reviewed everything one final time.<\/p>\n
\u201cI will preserve the right ovary and uterus if I believe it is oncologically safe.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if you don\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI will follow the authorization you gave.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison\u2019s eyes filled.<\/p>\n
Dr. Mehta placed a hand gently on her arm.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how much trust this requires.\u201d<\/p>\n
That sentence almost broke her.<\/p>\n
After the doctor left, we had only minutes.<\/p>\n
Rachel took Mateo from the carrier and placed him beside Allison.<\/p>\n
Allison held him against her chest.<\/p>\n
She whispered something into his hair.<\/p>\n
I could not hear.<\/p>\n
I did not try.<\/p>\n
Then she handed him to Rachel.<\/p>\n
Rachel kissed Allison\u2019s forehead.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be here when you wake up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Allison gripped her hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever happens?\u201d<\/p>\n
Rachel\u2019s face changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever happens.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then Rachel left with Mateo.<\/p>\n
I stayed.<\/p>\n
The anesthesiologist came.<\/p>\n
Questions.<\/p>\n
Signatures.<\/p>\n
Medication.<\/p>\n
The machinery of surgery began gathering around us.<\/p>\n
Allison looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m scared.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t say I\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t say they do this every day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes filled.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust tell me you\u2019ll be here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll be here.\u201d<\/p>\n
The orderly unlocked the bed wheels.<\/p>\n
I walked beside her toward the operating-room doors.<\/p>\n
The same kind of doors had swallowed her four days earlier.<\/p>\n
This time, she knew exactly what could be taken from her.<\/p>\n
At the threshold, she reached out.<\/p>\n
I caught her hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cDaniel.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I wake up and it\u2019s bad\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me the truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI promise.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo soft version.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo asking the doctor to tell you first so you can protect me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
She squeezed my fingers.<\/p>\n
Then the doors opened.<\/p>\n
They rolled her away.<\/p>\n
I stood there until I could no longer see her.<\/p>\n
For several seconds, I felt panic rising.<\/p>\n
The old instinct came immediately.<\/p>\n
Call someone.<\/p>\n
Do something.<\/p>\n
Fix something.<\/p>\n
Instead I sat in the waiting room.<\/p>\n
I texted Rachel: She went in.<\/p>\n
Then I opened my phone.<\/p>\n
Not the medical notes.<\/p>\n
Not search results.<\/p>\n
A therapist directory.<\/p>\n
I stared at it for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then I booked an appointment.<\/p>\n
Not because Allison had demanded it.<\/p>\n
Because she had asked me for one promise.<\/p>\n
If bad news came, she would not carry my fear too.<\/p>\n
I intended to keep it.<\/p>\n
The night before surgery, Allison could not sleep. Neither could I. Mateo had finally settled after an hour of feeding, burping, changing, and the kind of unexplained crying that made … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":22876,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-22885","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22885","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=22885"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22885\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22920,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22885\/revisions\/22920"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/22876"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=22885"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=22885"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=22885"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}