Neither of us spoke for several seconds.<\/p>\n
I could hear a faint television somewhere behind Anna, turned low enough that I could not make out the program. There was also a clock. I could hear that clearly, a slow mechanical tick marking every second I failed to find something intelligent to say.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna,\u201d I said again.<\/p>\n
\u201cI heard you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice was older, of course. So was mine. Forty years had settled into both of us. But underneath the rasp and caution, I could still hear the young woman who once laughed at my burnt hamburgers and sang badly whenever we drove anywhere.<\/p>\n
I pressed my palm flat against the kitchen table.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t know if this number was still yours.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMargaret gave it to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Another pause.<\/p>\n
\u201cI figured she might.\u201d<\/p>\n
That surprised me. \u201cYou knew I called her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe called me immediately afterward.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the yellow notepad where I had written Margaret\u2019s number.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat Carol died.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna said Carol\u2019s name gently.<\/p>\n
There was no uncertainty in it.<\/p>\n
No confusion about who I meant.<\/p>\n
I sat straighter.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew Carol.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna inhaled.<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew of her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
She did not elaborate.<\/p>\n
Outside, the first delivery truck of the morning rattled down Maple Street. Somewhere across the road, a dog barked twice.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarol asked me to find you,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
My fingers tightened around the phone.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMargaret told me what you told her.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You said that before I explained it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice became quieter. \u201cI assumed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou assumed my dying wife would ask me to call the woman I was engaged to before I met her?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt sounds ridiculous any way I say it.\u201d<\/p>\n
A soft breath escaped her. Not quite laughter.<\/p>\n
For one instant, I remembered sitting beside her on the hood of my old Chevrolet after midnight, both of us whispering so we wouldn\u2019t wake her parents.<\/p>\n
The memory vanished as quickly as it appeared.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to ask you something,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI imagine you have more than one question.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother came to see you before you left.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna stopped breathing for a second.<\/p>\n
Diane had told the truth.<\/p>\n
I closed my eyes.<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t she?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word was almost inaudible.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have spent forty-one years believing you changed your mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wrote me a letter saying you didn\u2019t want our life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked me not to look for you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anger rose despite every promise I had made myself to remain calm.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen stop telling me you know.\u201d<\/p>\n
The silence afterward was immediate and painful.<\/p>\n
I regretted the sharpness but not the question.<\/p>\n
Anna spoke first.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou have a right to be angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t what I want.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe truth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou say that now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is that supposed to mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means truth has consequences, Walt.\u201d<\/p>\n
The shortened version of my name hit me harder than it should have.<\/p>\n
Carol called me Walter when she was serious.<\/p>\n
Rebecca called me Dad.<\/p>\n
Almost nobody had called me Walt in decades.<\/p>\n
Anna always had.<\/p>\n
I stood and walked toward the kitchen window.<\/p>\n
\u201cCarol asked me to find you because she said I would understand something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna said nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe asked me to forgive her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Still nothing.<\/p>\n
\u201cDiane knew Carol\u2019s name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother\u2019s name was written in Rebecca\u2019s adoption papers.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna inhaled sharply.<\/p>\n
There it was again.<\/p>\n
Rebecca.<\/p>\n
I turned from the window as though Anna could somehow see my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Not nothing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou reacted.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wasn\u2019t expecting you to say her name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy daughter\u2019s?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know Rebecca?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another silence.<\/p>\n
My pulse began pounding in my ears.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know about her.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every instinct in me sharpened.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve seen photographs.\u201d<\/p>\n
My mouth went dry.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat photographs?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat photographs?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease don\u2019t raise your voice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I lowered it, though my heart was hammering.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow have you seen photographs of my daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna took a long breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are things that can\u2019t be explained over the telephone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople keep telling me that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I don\u2019t think you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand more than you think.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen help me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The ticking clock behind her continued.<\/p>\n
Tick.<\/p>\n
Tick.<\/p>\n
Tick.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere are you?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cPennsylvania.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
She hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cNear Erie.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was nearly six hours away by car.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll come.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
The refusal was immediate.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy wife\u2019s last request was for me to find you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou found me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is not what she meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t know that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew Carol thirty-six years.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna\u2019s response came quickly. \u201cI knew her longer.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everything in me went cold.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
The silence that followed was different from the others.<\/p>\n
This was the silence of someone who had said too much.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou knew Carol before I did?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew who she was.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t what you said.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m tired.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long did you know Carol?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cSince Millfield.\u201d<\/p>\n
I gripped the kitchen counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe was around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChurch events. Your mother\u2019s house. Places like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Carol and Anna had existed in the same town at the same time. I knew that abstractly. Carol\u2019s family had lived outside Millfield most of her childhood, but they attended Grace Methodist and visited Ruth\u2019s circle often.<\/p>\n
Still, I had never considered the possibility that they had actually known each other.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Carol talk to you before you left?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna did not answer.<\/p>\n
My knees weakened.<\/p>\n
I pulled out a chair and sat.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
The word came with unmistakable reluctance.<\/p>\n
My throat tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe day after your mother.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at Carol\u2019s empty chair across the room.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause if I answer that, I have to answer everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen answer everything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t do that over the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just told me not to come.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is insane.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed once, without humor.<\/p>\n
\u201cAt least we agree on something.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old familiarity in the exchange frightened me.<\/p>\n
I rubbed the bridge of my nose.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid Carol know where you were all these years?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot exactly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe knew enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough to contact you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Another pause.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood again.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter, sit down.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you know I\u2019m standing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always stood when you were angry.\u201d<\/p>\n
I almost dropped the phone.<\/p>\n
For forty years I had lived an entire life without Anna Mercer.<\/p>\n
Yet she remembered something as small as that.<\/p>\n
I sat.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen did Carol contact you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot regularly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe first time was years after you married.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many years?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna breathed out.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout three.\u201d<\/p>\n
My mind calculated automatically.<\/p>\n
Rebecca would have been a toddler.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did she want?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not answering that today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cToday?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we\u2019re going to talk about this, I want to see you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just told me not to come.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI changed my mind.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at the table.<\/p>\n
That sentence carried an ugly echo.<\/p>\n
Anna seemed to hear it too.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t mean\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know what you meant.\u201d<\/p>\n
Silence again.<\/p>\n
Then Anna said, \u201cAre you able to drive?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI drove yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat isn\u2019t what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not ninety.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were impatient at twenty-two. I doubt age improved you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Despite everything, I smiled.<\/p>\n
It vanished quickly.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can drive.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not in Erie itself. There\u2019s a town called Harbor Ridge about twenty miles south.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI can find it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI live outside town.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGive me the address.\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna did.<\/p>\n
I wrote it carefully.<\/p>\n
A farmhouse road.<\/p>\n
Number 418.<\/p>\n
She continued, \u201cThere\u2019s a diner beside the pharmacy in the town center.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy the diner?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d rather meet there first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you may decide you don\u2019t want to come any farther.\u201d<\/p>\n
The pen stopped in my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means what I have to tell you may change how you remember several people you loved.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not trying to frighten you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re succeeding.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying to be fair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t need fair anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, you do.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her certainty angered me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t get to decide what I can handle.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n
I was not expecting agreement.<\/p>\n
She said, \u201cCome tomorrow if you still want to.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to come today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I need time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cForty years can\u2019t be unpacked in six hours.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the adoption folder still sitting on the edge of the table.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes Rebecca have something to do with why you left?\u201d<\/p>\n
Anna stopped speaking.<\/p>\n
Every sound in the kitchen disappeared beneath the blood rushing through my ears.<\/p>\n
I waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her voice came back strained.<\/p>\n
\u201cAsk me tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat is an answer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. It isn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt is to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo not call Rebecca before we talk.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood so abruptly the chair tipped backward.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat did you say?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you telling me not to call my daughter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m telling you not to ask her questions neither of us can answer properly over the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNeither of us?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI chose the wrong words.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou keep doing that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I heard something on her end then.<\/p>\n
A door opening.<\/p>\n
Footsteps.<\/p>\n
A man\u2019s voice, too distant to understand.<\/p>\n
Anna quickly said, \u201cI have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho is that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo one.\u201d<\/p>\n
The old answer.<\/p>\n
Nothing.<\/p>\n
No one.<\/p>\n
Words people used when the truth was standing directly beside them.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnna, wait.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTomorrow. Eleven o\u2019clock. Harbor Ridge Diner.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho just came in?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWalter.\u201d<\/p>\n
The man spoke again.<\/p>\n
This time I caught one word.<\/p>\n
Mom.<\/p>\n
My grip loosened on the phone.<\/p>\n
Anna said nothing.<\/p>\n
Neither did I.<\/p>\n
The word hung between us.<\/p>\n
Mom.<\/p>\n
Then Anna whispered, \u201cTomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
The line went dead.<\/p>\n
I stared at the silent phone.<\/p>\n
Anna had a child.<\/p>\n
There was nothing remarkable about that. She was sixty-one years old. She could have children, grandchildren, an entire family I knew nothing about.<\/p>\n
But my mind had already begun making dangerous connections.<\/p>\n
Anna\u2019s green eyes.<\/p>\n
Rebecca\u2019s green eyes.<\/p>\n
My mother\u2019s initial in the adoption file.<\/p>\n
Carol\u2019s last request.<\/p>\n
Diane\u2019s warning.<\/p>\n
And now Anna telling me not to speak to Rebecca until we met.<\/p>\n
I picked up the fallen chair.<\/p>\n
My knees were trembling.<\/p>\n
Tomorrow no longer felt like a meeting with a woman I once loved.<\/p>\n
It felt like an appointment with the part of my own life everyone else had known except me.<\/p>\n
Neither of us spoke for several seconds. I could hear a faint television somewhere behind Anna, turned low enough that I could not make out the program. There was also … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":21959,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21965","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21965","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=21965"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21965\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":22011,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21965\/revisions\/22011"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/21959"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=21965"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=21965"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=21965"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}