Ben did not submit his resignation the next morning.<\/p>\n
That surprised me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou said you were leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI am.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you still holding the letter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPatients.\u201d<\/p>\n
I understood immediately.<\/p>\n
He had ongoing cases.<\/p>\n
Postoperative follow-ups.<\/p>\n
People whose treatment plans extended beyond a convenient resignation date.<\/p>\n
\u201cI need a transition plan.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cProbably eight to ten weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOregon?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou told Elaine?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis morning.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe said they can work with it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Of course they could.<\/p>\n
The more flexible Oregon became, the harder it was to reject for practical reasons.<\/p>\n
\u201cMay first is still the answer deadline?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I checked the calendar.<\/p>\n
Four weeks.<\/p>\n
The decision had stopped feeling abstract.<\/p>\n
That afternoon, I met Lena.<\/p>\n
Not about Oregon.<\/p>\n
About us.<\/p>\n
She closed my office door and sat across from me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re serious about partnership?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow serious?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI had our accountant model three structures.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were told not to research.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat rule expired.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBen told you I know about counseling?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. You complain about rules whenever anyone gives you one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fair.<\/p>\n
I slid the documents across the desk.<\/p>\n
Lena read for almost twenty minutes.<\/p>\n
She had worked with me for seven years.<\/p>\n
She knew our clients.<\/p>\n
Our vendors.<\/p>\n
My strengths.<\/p>\n
My tendency to answer emails at midnight.<\/p>\n
She also knew exactly which tasks I hated.<\/p>\n
Finally she looked up.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019d actually give me forty percent?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a lot.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve earned it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould I run operations?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMostly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCreative direction. Key clients. Growth.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFrom Oregon?\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
She had said it casually.<\/p>\n
Too casually.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cChelsea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho told you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI absolutely did not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou asked me last week whether I could run more client meetings if you were traveling.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat could mean anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou also asked whether I thought the company could operate with you remote three days a week.\u201d<\/p>\n
I sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cApparently I\u2019m less mysterious than I imagine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMuch less.\u201d<\/p>\n
I leaned back.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe haven\u2019t decided.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we stay, I still want the partnership.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her expression softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we move, I\u2019d be here regularly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow regularly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen figure that out before promising.\u201d<\/p>\n
The advice was so sensible I disliked it.<\/p>\n
Lena continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you pretending you can run the same company from three thousand miles away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI wouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou absolutely would.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
She raised one eyebrow.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you move, the company has to change.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if you stay?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked around my office.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt still has to change.\u201d<\/p>\n
That realization had become impossible to avoid.<\/p>\n
For years, I had believed geography protected my professional life.<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
My company was already demanding a restructuring I had postponed.<\/p>\n
Oregon would accelerate it.<\/p>\n
Pennsylvania would merely make postponement easier.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you want?\u201d Lena asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy does everyone keep asking me that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you keep answering with what everybody else needs.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want the company.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s not what I asked.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at her.<\/p>\n
She waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to design again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want fewer clients.\u201d<\/p>\n
She smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cBetter clients?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want to stop measuring success only by revenue.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNow you\u2019re frightening me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked down at the partnership papers.<\/p>\n
\u201cI built this because I wanted freedom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd then built yourself another boss.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMe.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re demanding.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, you don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
She was right.<\/p>\n
Two days later, Carter Financial renewed.<\/p>\n
Not at the original amount.<\/p>\n
Smaller.<\/p>\n
A year earlier, that would have felt like failure.<\/p>\n
This time, I was relieved.<\/p>\n
The reduction gave us room to diversify.<\/p>\n
It also made Lena\u2019s partnership plan more important.<\/p>\n
That evening, I told Ben.<\/p>\n
He was chopping onions.<\/p>\n
His cooking had improved from dangerous to merely questionable.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do you feel?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbout Carter?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStrangely good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause losing part of the account forces me to do what I already knew I should do.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cOregon is doing that to both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI noticed.\u201d<\/p>\n
Olive wandered in.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre we talking about Oregon?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She climbed onto a stool.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I get to vote?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben and I exchanged a look.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe want to know what you think,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat means no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt means you don\u2019t have to carry the whole decision.\u201d<\/p>\n
She frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s unfair.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeing eight is brutal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m almost nine.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mistake.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben placed onions into a pan.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe do want to hear what matters to you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy school.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGrandma.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaya.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy room.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat can be recreated.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, it can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
She was right.<\/p>\n
Her room was not furniture.<\/p>\n
It was pencil marks inside the closet from measuring her height.<\/p>\n
Glow-in-the-dark stars Ben had stuck crookedly to the ceiling when she was four.<\/p>\n
A dent in the baseboard from the time she tried indoor roller skating.<\/p>\n
History.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
She looked surprised.<\/p>\n
\u201cI am?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her room mattered.<\/p>\n
Ben turned down the stove.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat else?\u201d<\/p>\n
She thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cSoccer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll have a different teacher next year anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat doesn\u2019t count.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFair.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then she looked at Ben.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd you.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat about me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI want you at stuff.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She sounded suddenly serious.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you saying you\u2019re coming and then not coming.\u201d<\/p>\n
That hurt all three of us.<\/p>\n
Ben put down the spoon.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf we stay, will you still miss stuff?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll miss some things.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her face fell.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery parent misses things sometimes,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
She looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
That seemed to surprise her.<\/p>\n
I had missed less because my work was more flexible, but I had missed things.<\/p>\n
A field trip.<\/p>\n
One parent breakfast.<\/p>\n
Half a soccer tournament because of a client emergency.<\/p>\n
Children kept their own accounting.<\/p>\n
Ben crouched beside her.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat I can promise is that I\u2019m changing jobs.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes widened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEven if we stay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause the way I work now isn\u2019t good for me or us.\u201d<\/p>\n
She considered that.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo you won\u2019t work at your hospital?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot forever.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIn a few months.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere will you work?\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the part we\u2019re figuring out.\u201d<\/p>\n
Olive thought.<\/p>\n
Then she said, \u201cCan you work at Mom\u2019s office?\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
Ben looked offended.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a surgeon.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe have scissors.\u201d<\/p>\n
That ended the serious portion of dinner.<\/p>\n
Later, after Olive was asleep, Ben and I sat on the back steps.<\/p>\n
Spring air smelled like damp soil.<\/p>\n
The neighbor\u2019s porch light flickered through bare branches.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is what we lose,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
I gestured.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot the steps.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI assumed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis familiarity.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
\u201cI know which neighbor will complain if our trash cans stay out.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMr. Reynolds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know which grocery store has the good strawberries.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cImportant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know which road floods.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cVery important.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know where Dad is buried.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben\u2019s expression changed.<\/p>\n
I stared into the yard.<\/p>\n
That one had arrived without warning.<\/p>\n
My father was buried twenty minutes away.<\/p>\n
I did not visit every week.<\/p>\n
Sometimes not every month.<\/p>\n
But knowing I could mattered.<\/p>\n
Ben took my hand.<\/p>\n
No advice.<\/p>\n
No solution.<\/p>\n
Just his hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to leave him,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou wouldn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know logically.\u201d<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt feels different.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand.\u201d<\/p>\n
I leaned my shoulder against his.<\/p>\n
For several minutes we listened to traffic beyond the neighborhood.<\/p>\n
Then he said, \u201cWe don\u2019t have to go.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you decide the cost is too high, I\u2019ll tell Elaine no.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat will you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFind something else.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHere?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHere, nearby, maybe farther but not Oregon. I don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you resent me?\u201d<\/p>\n
He thought before answering.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d probably grieve the job.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was honest.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut resent you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou don\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m trying not to promise emotions I haven\u2019t had yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was probably something Nina had said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnnoying therapist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s ruining all my easy answers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSame.\u201d<\/p>\n
I rested my chin on my knees.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat if we go and I hate it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen we reassess.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAfter how long?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA year?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a long time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSix months?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat might not be enough.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSee? This is why I used to make decisions alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
I elbowed him.<\/p>\n
He laughed.<\/p>\n
Then his phone buzzed.<\/p>\n
Not the hospital.<\/p>\n
Elaine.<\/p>\n
He read the message.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShe wants to know if we\u2019d come back.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo Oregon?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot for another interview.\u201d<\/p>\n
He read further.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re holding a department family weekend. Spouses, kids. She says if we\u2019re genuinely considering the move, Olive should see the place before we decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo weeks.\u201d<\/p>\n
My first instinct was no.<\/p>\n
My second was more complicated.<\/p>\n
We had been discussing Oregon in front of Olive as an abstraction.<\/p>\n
A threat.<\/p>\n
A place represented by a stuffed beaver and her parents disappearing for a weekend.<\/p>\n
Maybe that was unfair too.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat do you think?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben asked.<\/p>\n
There it was.<\/p>\n
The question before the booking.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think Olive should decide whether she wants to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded.<\/p>\n
We asked her the next morning.<\/p>\n
Her immediate answer was no.<\/p>\n
Then she learned the hotel had a pool.<\/p>\n
Her position softened.<\/p>\n
Then Ben mentioned Priya\u2019s daughter played soccer.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs she good?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf she\u2019s bad, I\u2019m not moving.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat seems like a strong policy.\u201d<\/p>\n
By breakfast\u2019s end, Olive agreed to visit.<\/p>\n
Not move.<\/p>\n
Visit.<\/p>\n
That distinction was repeated at least seven times.<\/p>\n
My mother was less enthusiastic.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re taking her to the enemy camp.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m joking.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are absolutely not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFine. I\u2019m forty percent joking.\u201d<\/p>\n
The flights were booked.<\/p>\n
This time I watched Ben purchase all three tickets.<\/p>\n
No secrets.<\/p>\n
No surprise itinerary.<\/p>\n
No hidden school tour.<\/p>\n
The night before we left, Olive appeared in our bedroom holding the stuffed beaver.<\/p>\n
\u201cMom?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I like Oregon, does that mean we have to move?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf I hate it, does that mean we stay?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
She frowned.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen what\u2019s the point?\u201d<\/p>\n
I smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo know what\u2019s real before we decide.\u201d<\/p>\n
She thought about that.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad should have done that with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ben, brushing his teeth in the bathroom, choked.<\/p>\n
I covered my mouth.<\/p>\n
Olive looked pleased.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d I said. \u201cHe should have.\u201d<\/p>\n
From the bathroom came Ben\u2019s muffled voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can hear both of you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood,\u201d Olive called.<\/p>\n
Then she climbed onto our bed.<\/p>\n
For the first time, Oregon was about to become real to all three of us.<\/p>\n
And I had no idea whether that would make the decision easier or impossible.<\/p>\n
Ben did not submit his resignation the next morning. That surprised me. \u201cYou said you were leaving.\u201d \u201cI am.\u201d \u201cThen why are you still holding the letter?\u201d \u201cPatients.\u201d I understood … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":21183,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-21198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=21198"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":21239,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/21198\/revisions\/21239"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/21183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=21198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=21198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=21198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}