There were thirty-eight tablets in Arthur\u2019s pain medication bottle that night.<\/p>\n
I counted them twice.<\/p>\n
The first time I lost track at twenty-six because I kept wondering whether Arthur suspected Roy or Sandra. The second time I lined the pills along a clean dinner plate in groups of five, then returned them carefully to the amber bottle.<\/p>\n
Thirty-eight.<\/p>\n
I wrote the number on the back of an old grocery receipt.<\/p>\n
Arthur watched from bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cUse a notebook.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou really want me documenting this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI really do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause memories become arguments.\u201d<\/p>\n
He said it calmly.<\/p>\n
That sentence became the beginning of everything.<\/p>\n
The next morning I bought a black hardbound notebook from the pharmacy while picking up Arthur\u2019s prescriptions. I felt ridiculous placing it beside cough syrup and medical gloves. I was sixty-three years old, buying something that looked like a schoolgirl\u2019s diary because my dying husband wanted a record of his own family.<\/p>\n
When I returned, Roy\u2019s car was gone.<\/p>\n
Sandra was in the kitchen.<\/p>\n
She was opening drawers.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you looking for?\u201d<\/p>\n
She jumped slightly.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad\u2019s insurance papers.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to know where things are.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe?\u201d<\/p>\n
She shut the drawer.<\/p>\n
\u201cRoy and me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf Arthur wants you to have something, ask Arthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her mouth tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad shouldn\u2019t have to worry about paperwork now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why are you making him worry about paperwork?\u201d<\/p>\n
Sandra folded her arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, Helen, everything doesn\u2019t need to become a confrontation.\u201d<\/p>\n
I nearly admired the skill required to say that while standing in someone else\u2019s kitchen searching through someone else\u2019s drawers.<\/p>\n
\u201cI agree.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped aside and gestured toward the hallway.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo stop searching.\u201d<\/p>\n
For several seconds neither of us moved.<\/p>\n
Then Sandra smiled.<\/p>\n
It was the smile she used when retreating without admitting defeat.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m only trying to help.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
She passed me.<\/p>\n
At the doorway she stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cRoy and I are his children.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m aware.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve known him nine years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe\u2019ve known him our entire lives.\u201d<\/p>\n
I put Arthur\u2019s medicine on the counter.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you\u2019ve had much longer to learn what he likes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her expression changed.<\/p>\n
I regretted the remark immediately.<\/p>\n
Not because it was false.<\/p>\n
Because Arthur had spent years hoping his children would come closer, and I had promised myself never to use his disappointment as a weapon.<\/p>\n
Sandra left without answering.<\/p>\n
That afternoon, I called Mr. Katz.<\/p>\n
His reaction to Arthur\u2019s name surprised me.<\/p>\n
\u201cTomorrow at eleven,\u201d he said immediately.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou already knew?\u201d<\/p>\n
There was a brief silence.<\/p>\n
\u201cI knew Arthur might contact me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMrs. Whitmore, I think Arthur should explain that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur slept through most of the drive the next morning.<\/p>\n
He wore the charcoal jacket he had once saved for weddings and funerals. It hung loosely from his shoulders now. Before we left, he insisted on shaving himself. His hand shook so badly that I finally took the razor from him.<\/p>\n
\u201cBossy,\u201d he muttered.<\/p>\n
\u201cBleeding on your lawyer would make a terrible first impression.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKatz has seen worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz\u2019s office occupied the second floor of an old brick building downtown. There was no dramatic mahogany conference room, only beige carpet, shelves crowded with legal volumes, and a receptionist who knew Arthur by name.<\/p>\n
That unsettled me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many times have you been here?\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur smiled faintly.<\/p>\n
\u201cEnough.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz came out himself.<\/p>\n
He was perhaps seventy, with silver hair, rectangular glasses and the manner of a man who never hurried because he had spent his career making other people wait.<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDavid.\u201d<\/p>\n
They shook hands.<\/p>\n
Then Mr. Katz looked at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHelen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know my name too?\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur chuckled.<\/p>\n
I looked between them.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat exactly have you two been doing?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHousekeeping,\u201d Arthur said.<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz almost smiled.<\/p>\n
He led us into his office.<\/p>\n
Arthur lowered himself into a leather chair. I started toward the chair beside him, but he shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not staying.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI need to talk to Katz alone.\u201d<\/p>\n
The words hurt more than they should have.<\/p>\n
For months I had attended every oncology appointment, every scan, every hospice consultation. I knew Arthur\u2019s medications, blood pressure, appetite, sleeping patterns and the exact expression he made before pretending pain was manageable.<\/p>\n
Now suddenly there was a door I could not enter.<\/p>\n
Arthur saw my face.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the point, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat point?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf anyone ever says you made me do something, Katz can tell them you weren\u2019t in the room.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz remained silent.<\/p>\n
I understood.<\/p>\n
Not completely.<\/p>\n
But enough.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is about the will.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur\u2019s expression softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is about making sure my decisions stay mine.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at Mr. Katz.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs Arthur competent to make them?\u201d<\/p>\n
The question angered my husband instantly.<\/p>\n
\u201cHelen.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m asking him, not you.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz studied Arthur for several seconds.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d he said. \u201cI have no concern about Arthur\u2019s capacity.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n
I picked up my purse.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I\u2019ll get coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur caught my hand before I could leave.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice lowered.<\/p>\n
\u201cKnow it when things get ugly.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
Then I walked out.<\/p>\n
The meeting lasted ninety-three minutes.<\/p>\n
I know because I counted every one.<\/p>\n
When Arthur finally emerged, he looked exhausted but satisfied.<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz carried a folder.<\/p>\n
\u201cMrs. Whitmore, I\u2019m going to give you an instruction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBeginning today, maintain a factual record of unusual interactions concerning Arthur\u2019s care, medication, property and finances.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced at Arthur.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe notebook.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat qualifies as unusual?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mr. Katz answered carefully.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll know.\u201d<\/p>\n
I did.<\/p>\n
During the following months, the notebook filled faster than I wanted.<\/p>\n
Roy visited and asked Arthur whether he remembered promising him the house.<\/p>\n
Sandra borrowed jewelry and failed to return it until I asked.<\/p>\n
Roy wanted access to bank statements \u201cin case something happened.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sandra suggested putting her name on an account to simplify future expenses.<\/p>\n
Arthur refused both.<\/p>\n
They blamed me.<\/p>\n
Never directly in front of him.<\/p>\n
Not at first.<\/p>\n
Roy cornered me in the garage one afternoon while I was loading Arthur\u2019s wheelchair into the trunk.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re making Dad suspicious.\u201d<\/p>\n
I kept working.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour father has always been suspicious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou should discuss it with him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m discussing it with you.\u201d<\/p>\n
I slammed the trunk.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Roy. You\u2019re trying to discuss Arthur without Arthur.\u201d<\/p>\n
His jaw tightened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou think because you wipe his mouth and drive him to doctors you suddenly understand our family?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t think anything suddenly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re his caregiver.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m his wife.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, I did.<\/p>\n
That evening I wrote down the conversation.<\/p>\n
Arthur read the entry.<\/p>\n
He said nothing for a while.<\/p>\n
Then he handed the notebook back.<\/p>\n
\u201cKeep going.\u201d<\/p>\n
Every first Tuesday of the month, I drove him to Mr. Katz.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Arthur could walk inside.<\/p>\n
Later, he needed a cane.<\/p>\n
Then a wheelchair.<\/p>\n
Eventually Mr. Katz began meeting us through a side entrance because Arthur hated strangers watching me struggle with the chair.<\/p>\n
I never entered the meetings.<\/p>\n
I sat outside with coffee and a book I rarely managed to read.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two months passed that way.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two visits.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two sets of notes.<\/p>\n
Twenty-two sealed envelopes that I never saw.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Arthur became smaller.<\/p>\n
The firefighter disappeared from his body piece by piece, but never from his temperament.<\/p>\n
He still complained if I overcooked eggs.<\/p>\n
He still insisted on watching baseball even when medication made him sleep through half the game.<\/p>\n
He still flirted shamelessly with the hospice nurses.<\/p>\n
And he still waited for Roy and Sandra.<\/p>\n
That was the part I found hardest to forgive.<\/p>\n
Not their greed.<\/p>\n
Their absence.<\/p>\n
Arthur would hear a car and glance toward the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cThey coming today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRoy said he might.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMight means no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes might means might.\u201d<\/p>\n
Arthur would smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re a terrible liar.\u201d<\/p>\n
One December, he bought presents for both of them.<\/p>\n
Neither came.<\/p>\n
Sandra called at eight that evening and said she had been exhausted.<\/p>\n
Roy texted the next morning.<\/p>\n
Arthur told me it was fine.<\/p>\n
Then I found him in the living room staring at the unopened packages beneath the tree.<\/p>\n
He did not know I was watching.<\/p>\n
That night the notebook entry was only three lines.<\/p>\n
Christmas.<\/p>\n
Neither child came.<\/p>\n
Arthur said he understood.<\/p>\n
I nearly crossed out the final sentence.<\/p>\n
Instead I added another.<\/p>\n
He waited until 10:17 p.m.<\/p>\n
The medication began disappearing six months later.<\/p>\n
At first, I blamed myself.<\/p>\n
Thirty tablets became twenty-eight when there should have been thirty.<\/p>\n
Then forty-one became thirty-seven.<\/p>\n
I started recording each dose immediately.<\/p>\n
Arthur noticed.<\/p>\n
Neither of us discussed it.<\/p>\n
Until the afternoon Roy visited alone.<\/p>\n
He stayed upstairs with his father for twenty minutes.<\/p>\n
When he came downstairs, he looked irritated.<\/p>\n
\u201cDad\u2019s asleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat happens.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe barely knew I was there.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe knew.\u201d<\/p>\n
Roy picked up his keys.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s taking too much medication.\u201d<\/p>\n
The comment stopped me.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat makes you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe was completely out of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe took the prescribed dose.\u201d<\/p>\n
Roy shrugged.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhatever.\u201d<\/p>\n
After he left, I climbed upstairs.<\/p>\n
Arthur was awake.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow was your visit?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cEducational.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does that mean?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCount them.\u201d<\/p>\n
I opened the drawer.<\/p>\n
The bottle felt too light.<\/p>\n
I poured the tablets onto the bedside table.<\/p>\n
My hands went cold before I finished.<\/p>\n
Eight were missing.<\/p>\n
Not one.<\/p>\n
Not two.<\/p>\n
Eight.<\/p>\n
Arthur watched me.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow many?\u201d<\/p>\n
I told him.<\/p>\n
He closed his eyes.<\/p>\n
I expected anger.<\/p>\n
Instead, what I saw was grief.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat bad?\u201d<\/p>\n
I sat beside him.<\/p>\n
\u201cArthur, we don\u2019t know who\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, we do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need proof.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes opened.<\/p>\n
That was when I realized why the notebook existed.<\/p>\n
Why Mr. Katz had insisted on records.<\/p>\n
Why Arthur had kept me outside every legal meeting.<\/p>\n
He was not preparing merely to distribute an estate.<\/p>\n
He was building something that could survive accusations after he was dead.<\/p>\n
Arthur reached into the nightstand and removed a sealed envelope.<\/p>\n
On the front he had written two words.<\/p>\n
FOR HELEN.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut this somewhere Roy and Sandra cannot find it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cInstructions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor when?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen I can\u2019t give them anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
There were thirty-eight tablets in Arthur\u2019s pain medication bottle that night. I counted them twice. The first time I lost track at twenty-six because I kept wondering whether Arthur suspected … <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":18954,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-18956","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-insightdrama"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18956","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=18956"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18956\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19007,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/18956\/revisions\/19007"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/18954"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=18956"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=18956"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/insightdrama.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=18956"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}